Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here's the NYCWD update:
As of right now, at midnight EST on Saturday, June 30th, we have just raised $3300! I'm really amazed and proud of the support and generosity of every single blogger who posted a comment on NYCWD's blog, made their own post about his tragic loss, or bought a graphic or two or ten! It's almost enough to turn this cynic's black, twisted heart into a real one.
So, today is it. This is your last chance to buy a graphic, and your last chance to pitch in and make a difference for NYCWD. Let's see if we can hit $3500!
And now, Sunday's post:
Firstly, I've decided that I'm not going to continue doing the Weeks in Review. They were fun to do, but very time consuming, and I think I'd rather focus my energy on a normal post on Sundays. I might come up with another shtick for Sundays, but I guess we'll see.
Today, I want to talk about Jesus.
Well, kind of. I wanted to bring two recockulous videos to your attention. I saw them a while ago, but a recent conversation with a blogger who is under attack by a fundamentalist Christian discussion board made me decide to post this.
Both of these videos are titled: "The Atheist's Nightmare." The first one has Kirk Cameron learning about how the banana is the atheist's nightmare because of the peel, the size, the consistency, and other factors. This video ignores, of course, the fact that this moron is using a domesticated banana that has been crossbred to be like it is, not a wild banana, which looks almost nothing like the domestic one. Which pretty much fucks his entire theory right in the ass, don't you think?
This next video discusses how peanut butter disproves the theory of evolution. I can't even waste the brainpower to explain how retarded this theory is. They completely misunderstand the basics of evolution. It's infuriating that a generation of people could grow up watching this tripe and thinking that it could possibly be true!
It's shit like this that gives normal, intelligent, logical Christians a bad name. This makes everyone think that if you're Christian, you're clearly an idiot lacking the intelligence of the chimpanzee from which you evolved. That you're a sheep who just follows, without thinking or investigating anything for yourself. The rest of the Christians, who make up at least 90% of the Christians out there, should hunt down these idiots and cockpunch them. Repeatedly.
Happy Sunday!
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Wha-? No cartoons?? I am under attack from banana-wielding religious fanatics, and I don't even get a cartoon out of the bargain?!? What up with that?
Comments by Dave2
I'm sorry Avitable. I just don't do god stuff.
Did you know my second favorite sandwich is peanut butter with sliced banana's.
YUM
Comments by bluepaintred
I feel dumber for having watched that! I don't even know where to begin. I might have to go get drunk to forget it.
Comments by Phishez
I see nuttin but x's.
And should we all now blindly follow you? :)
Comments by Wayne
Yeah, I watched about 10 minutes of the Atheist vs. Kirk Cameron videos before turning it off :p. His videos make me cringe with sadness. I had no idea that someone could make being a Christian seem so boring.
Comments by Bethie
What really freaks me out is the anti-evolutionist fixation on food using it to both prove creationism and debunk evolution. Imagine if this kind of argumentative tactic spilled over into our legal system:
"Clearly, as seen from the video footage and the eyewitness testimony, the defendant is guilty of murder."
"Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor. Defense?"
"Your honor, one word: broccoli."
"Damn — case dismissed."
Comments by Schadenfreude
I fill more dumber for having watch them videos. Gawd.
I think those freaks wanted an excuse to play with a phallic symbol. At one point, that guy looked as if he was ready to pull a Mr. Fab on that banana.
The peanut butter thingy...well, that's just odd. I see that they used chunky. I think that they'd be much more pleased with the outcome if they used creamy. It doesn't feel as weird when the dog licks it off.
Comments by DeniseTN
Dave, I still plan on posting artwork once a week, but on an ad hoc basis.
BPR, what do you mean, you don't "do god stuff"?
Phishez, yeah, I know what you mean. It actually saps your intelligence to watch it!
Wayne, it seems to work for everyone else. But yes, blind allegiance is okay with me.
Bethie, not only boring, but so ignorant, too!
Schad, well, that's a poor analogy. Clearly, the prosecutor would only have to use cheese, which trumps broccoli.
Denise, well, I didn't show the rest of the video where the banana guy stripped down and had sex with four men.
Comments by Avitable
Are the people that are getting cockpunched required to turn the other ball? Just askin'.
(Sorry...I could comment on the banana thing without putting in this smiley. I am weak. Forgive me, oh Holy One.
Comments by hot coffee girl
WHAT?! NO MORE WEEK IN REVIEW?! I HATE YOU!!!!
Juuuuust kidding.
Okay, now reading the post.
Comments by Poppy
You can tell Kirk Cameron is smiling because he remembers all those times he got the girls to bite his banana.
That's funny, all my jars of peanut butter have meat inside...
I feel like my brain just rotted.
Comments by Poppy
I thought evolution meant I used to be a monkey??
Adam, you are confusing me.
Thank God it's Sunday. I'll just ask the priest to clarify for me.
Comments by Miss Britt
HCG, nice one.
Poppy, all of my jars of peanut butter actually have small civilizations in them. I smite them regularly.
Britt Robertson and the 700 Club, you evolved from a cute, yappy little chihuahua.
Comments by Avitable
I come here for infinite wisdom from the Holy Church of Avitablism, and this is what I get???? I should have life forms in my peanut butter??? Bananas are mad to fit perfectly in the human hand?? WTF?
Comments by Angel
That's exactly what my priest said!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
I am always up for a good cockpunching.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Holy Fucking Shit! I feel stupider having watched that.... Especially the banana thing.
Christ on Crutches, how retarded can these zealots GET?! It's assholes like this that keep us going to war- they are the Christian Equivalent of pricks who crash planes into buildings.... And just as dangerous.
I have to disagree Avi- no cock punchers- we need to get double ot buckshot and blow their balls OFF to stop them from procreating.
Comments by MsFreud
Oh yes... (and my buttons don;t work for your site- forgive the lack of embedding)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ENEF3OoS-U&mode=related&search=
Comments by MsFreud
This is what happens when you require that the Bible be literal truth - it becomes impossible to reconcile the metaphor with reality and all kinds of odd ideas have to be used to fill in the blank spaces.
I have always found it strange that the Mennonites, Brethren, and Quakers are labeled "peace churches" because of our historic pacifism and anti-war beliefs. If you are doing Christianity at all, shouldn't every church be a "peace" church? Anyway it's always been one of those things I couldn't ever quite stop chuckling about.
Churches that pound the bloody pulpit in favor of war have always given me the heebee-jeebees. I can't believe they're coming from the same Book.
Likewise evolution. I see no incompatibilities between the evolutionary process and Genesis. None. It's the same story, to me. But you teach the science in school and leave the poetry to the person. That's not only how the country is set up, that also happens to be the best way to do it. Science is public, and faith is private.
And here's the rub - Christians that need to have proof, and go out on hunts for physical and tangible evidence for the existence of God, have forgotten both the definition of Faith, as well as what it is for.
Comments by RW
@RW:
*swoon*
Ya know, if you have a button for the Church of Holy RWness, I would totally put that in my sidebar. Just sayin'.
Comments by Miss Britt
I imagine I'm in the minority here but I'm glad the weekly review is gone. I would look at the drawing and skip the rest of the post.
Really, if god made the banana for humans like this pornstar is saying, shouldn't that be the only thing humans eat? All other fruits (and even meats if they aren't vegetarians) should be in banana form. If you eat anything else, you are going against god's will.
Burn, sinners!
Comments by Clown
Clown - this is why I only eat bananas.
I'm 5'2 and weigh 95 lbs. Obviously God's plan is BRILLIANT!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
I'm just feeling guilty because I didn't go in to meeting this morning...
Comments by RW
Britt, if you weigh 95 pounds why the HELL are you EVER complaining about your weight? Just sayin'.
Comments by Poppy
the guy in the first video, sans banana, looked like he was ready to die of embarrassment for even being part of that video. as he should be.
Comments by webmiztris
Angel, I'm here to debunk the "wisdom" of others, too. It's my role in life and exactly why my penis is shaped like a banana.
Sisters of InfinBritt Mercy, those aren't bananas that you're putting in your mouth time and time again.
Mr. Fabulous, yeah, but you like to be the cockpunchee.
MsFreud, well, no procreation would be good, too. Luckily, the main guy here is clearly gay, so we don't have to worry about that.
RW, very well put.
Clown, or maybe God is a monkey who designed bananas for them!
Poppy, she weighs 950 pounds. It's all a ruse, I tell ya.
Dawn, that's Kirk fucking Cameron, from Growing Pains! He actually is a big participant in the series of videos!
Comments by Avitable
1. If the tip of something being angled toward your mouth is proof that you should actually stick it in your mouth, then all men should be able to suck their own cocks. I guess the few who can accomplish this feat are descendants of Jesus?
2. I love how incandescent light bulbs are thought to be what scientists are talking about when speaking of energy on the topic of new life being created.
Just because you dumbasses can't understand the difference between a filament and lightning...
3. Kirk Cameron was probably thinking about how much he would love for the show's host to stick that "tab" up his ass.
Comments by Bonnie
@RW: you can't feel guilty - you're not Catholic anymore, remember?
@Poppy: yes, I am a hefty 95 lbs - but I believe in my heart that God wants me to weigh 82. It came to me in a vision
@Avitable: I do so weigh 95 lbs! And I have big voluptuous boobies and perfectly toned legs AND ankles! Don't hate the playa.
Comments by Miss Britt
Holy fucktards!
When he "inserted" the banana into his fist, I had a nasty thought.
Isn't it great how God puts SEX everywhere?
God is Good.
Comments by annie
Britt, siiiiiiigh. Just, sigh. Go look at a height-to-weight chart, please. Please.
Comments by Poppy
Bonnie, it does show strong support for biblical support of oral sex.
AutoBritt, well, you are a goddess of light and awesomeness.
Annie, I'd love to see someone do a parody showing a gay man talking about how well the penis fit into his hand.
Poppy, do you have one for gorillas?
Comments by Avitable
I am not the keeper of the charts, but I read somewhere that it is okay for gorillas to weigh between 10 pounds and 10,000 pounds.
Is that helpful?
By the way, you are not a gorilla, sweetie. You're a sexy beast. Now go take a nap!
Comments by Poppy
Britt, I'm going to hold you to that. If I'm ever at Uh Vit Uh Bull's house when you are and you're eating anything other than god's perfect food, I'm telling.
I'm not sure who I'll be telling, but I'll be telling.
Comments by Clown
@Poppy - I have a chart! I'm using the one mailed to me by the Association For How God Really Wants Women To Be. Don't you use that??
@Clown - I have been informed that you and are will never be allowed in the same room. Apparently Someone is afraid you will not be able to resist my sexual magnetism. And Someone gets jealous.
Comments by Miss Britt
Britt, I am a heathen.
Comments by Poppy
Ya know, I really liked your post - seriously. As a small child, I was infinitely curious and could never reconcile the two sides of me: my faith and what I was learning in the church and the realistic scientific side that knew that dinosaurs were billions of years old. It wasn't until I watched "Inherit the Wind" in school that the light bulb turned on and I realized that things in faith and reality were not black and white.
Now I am able to be confortable with my beliefs and I don't feel that pull between two sides. We just have to eliminate the other fucktards out there that make us look like backwoods imbiciles and we're all set for total world domination!
Comments by ADW
Poppy, I will pray for you.
Comments by Miss Britt
I don't have to be guilty for not going to meeting this morning...
Oh.... yeah!
Ha.
Comments by RW
Jigsaw?
Comments by Clown
Britt, I've been prayed for before; it doesn't work. I appreciate your caring, though. And I
you in return. Maybe in my next life. I certainly have an abundance of compassion, so I'm on some sort of right track!
Georgie says "mkijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgvbhjmmmmmmm" to her Uncle Avi.
Comments by Poppy
Yeah, Avi told me about your "special relationship" with her. He made me promise not to interfere.
He also asked me to bring only turtlenecks when I come over next week. What's up with that?
Comments by Miss Britt
So, you weigh more than 100 lbs AND you believe in reincarnation?!?!
I'm calling my prayer tree RIGHT NOW!!
Don't you worry Poppy! We will save you!!
Comments by Miss Britt
Holy shit, I just had to de-lurk for this one. Can I come play with you guys?
The Kirk Cameron video was priceless! If I didn't know that he was a Bible-thumper now, I would totally have thought it was a joke.
If I had to talk about a banana's contents squirting in my face and how it is the right shape for the human mouth, I think I'd fall right out of my chair. I wonder how many takes it took for him to get that out with a straight face.
I bet Kirk wanted to squirt his banana's contents all over that other guy's face.
Comments by bdogg_mcgee
Britt - Did I say I weight more than 100 lbs? I measure my weight in stones, so I'm very light.
B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - You finally came to the party!!!!!!
Comments by Poppy
Thanks for stopping by. And the birthday greetings.
As for your topic, there sure are some nuts out there. Weird, but funny.
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
Poppy, that's very helpful. And I will light a candle in the Church of Holy Avitableness for you!
Clown, Jigsaw said you're not allowed over when Britt's here.
The Brittist formerly known as Prince, stop pretending. We all know I'm saving a seat in hell for you.
ADW, who's this "we" you speak of? I think you and Kirk Cameron have a cabal set up on the side.
RW, unless you're Catholic or Jewish, you're not allowed to feel the guilt.
BDogg, glad to see that you popped up to say hi. It's horrifying how serious Kirk Cameron is about the whole thing!
HG5, there may be some nuts out there, but they weren't given life in a peanut butter container . . . or were they?
Comments by Avitable
OMG. Do NOT get me going on Kirk Cameron. He's a fucking moron. I don't know how it happened but the TV got switched to TBN and he was on there. He said, "As Christians WE have something that is MORE important than the cure for cancer, we have SALVATION! And, it is our DUTY to save EVERYONE around us and bring them to Christ!"
Thus proceeded the lesson on
MLM marketingpersuading everyone you love and meet to come to Christ. Complete with the perfect argument and response to any objection.I wanted to puke. I'm not sure where these people get off deciding they know what is best for everyone and that it is their job to bring people to the "right" belief as if all other beliefs are evil.
Comments by Amy
Avi - uh, no, Kirk Blech! The we I speak of is the formal royal "we" as in me, myself and I. I would now like to be addressed as Empress of the Universe and Beyond.
Comments by ADW
Amy, oh, go eat a banana and you'll see the light.
ADW, hm, well, we are accepting applications for Empress. . .
Comments by Avitable
I do my best to avoid all things pertaining to religion.
I don't like, nor do I understand religion and I would rather close my mind to it all then try to decipher it's lies.
I even had to think twice about commenting on this post, but decided letting you know about my sandwich preference was more important.
Comments by bluepaintred
Well, you should try a Peanut Butter Raisin Banana Mayonnaise sandwich.
It's awesome.
Comments by Avitable
Uhm, remember when Kirk Cameron was chasing tail with his buddy Boner?
I must be the only loser who can't see the videos . . .
Comments by Vulgar Wizard
...the only church where I pretend to be affiliated, even though I still haven't found the right burrito. Some day one will fall into my lap and I won't have an excuse anymore.
Comments by Poppy
I'm down with the raisins, but no way in hell is mayo going on anything i plan on putting in MY mouth!
Comments by bluepaintred
VW, you can't see Youtube videos? Hm.
Poppy, I'll have to go on a taste test and see which brands are the ones to try.
BPR, you don't like mayonnaise? What is wrong with you?
Comments by Avitable
You are going to taste test burritos for me? You dirty boy. Looking forward to your feedback.
Comments by Poppy
mmmm, mayonnaise. God's gift to sandwiches....
Comments by bdogg_mcgee
...and women!
(Ahem.)
Comments by Poppy
A good cockpunch never hurt anybody. Funny story– that's how I met my wife.
(Pssst... six new reviews today. Hopefully they'll be regular from here on out. Thanks for asking.)
Comments by Greg
Poppy, anything in the pursuit of burrito perfection.
Bdogg, glad to see someone agrees.
Greg, you cockpunched your wife? Dude. Harsh.
Comments by Avitable
I don't like anyone against sex before marriage.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I OPEN UP THIS JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER–
AND MAKE A FUCKING SANDWICH
Comments by Jordie
Mistress Yoda, what about during?
Jordie, nicely put.
Comments by Avitable
Mike Seaver just made me throw up a little
Comments by Amanda
I dare say, that banana video kind of turned me on. except in my head, he wasn't talking about bananas. Then I remembered that I'm allergic to bananas and I was over it.
I lost IQ points watching the peanut butter thing. I might have to send it to my sister just to wind her up.
Comments by ginamonster
That's fine.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Amanda, yeah, me too.
Gina, it's fun to get people on rants by having them watch these videos. And yes, the penis is also a perfect fit for your hand and mouth!
Mistress Yoda, I guess we'll see what you say about that in 11 months!
Comments by Avitable
We're already an old married couple.
Comments by Mistress Yoda