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u r sew kewl

Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here’s the NYCWD update:

I’m still tallying the final totals – I have a few stragglers who I know are donating, so I want to wait until they do so before I give the final total amount that we’ll be sending. That should be tomorrow or Wednesday, and then I’ll give a complete breakdown.

And now, Monday’s post:

And now, due to popular demand, I’m tackling another Myspace survey!

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
No. I have, however, licked the back of a homeless person to get him to work. Changed his life.

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
Well, she was 16, and I was 48. What’s that, two score plus some?

Ever been in a car wreck?
One time, I was in a bus that was going extremely fast, and we came up on a part of the interstate that wasn’t finished yet. We weren’t able to stop, so this guy in the front of the bus with a monotone said that we had to go faster, and we jumped the gap.

Were you popular in high school?
In my day, popularity was determined by the number of people that would come up and randomly punch you. So yes, I was one of the most popular kids in school.

Have you ever been on a blind date?
Yes, but I severely misunderstood. If I had realized she wasn’t actually blind, I would have worn clothes. And I wouldn’t have masturbated right there at the table.

Are looks important?
My looks? No. Yours? Yes.

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?
No. My friends only last six months before they go insane and run off to join a convent or monastery.

By what age would you like to be married?
Someday, I hope a man will come along and make me his beautiful bride before I reach old age at 22.

Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them?
Only if it’s made their butthole too loose.

Have you ever made a mistake?
No. I can say with absolute certainty that I have never made a mistake. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Are you a good tipper?
Yes. I give a minimum of 20%, and sometimes up to 40-50%. And sometimes, I leave tips like “Please brush your teeth” and “Don’t bathe in rat-piss next time”.

What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?
I just spread peanut butter on my head and lay down in an alley for rats to chew my hair off. It’s free!

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Mr. Belding was fucking hot.

Have you ever peed in public?
I have a goal to pee on the “Welcome to” signs of every state in the United States. I’m only 10 states away! I’m really worried about Alaska, though.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
“I Touch Myself”, by the Divinyls. And I want to be buried with my penis pump, hand lotion, and a large supply of toilet paper rolls. I’ll be wanking in Hell.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
Answer yes or no. Does your mom know that you’re a retard?

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
I eat every meal as if I’m getting executed in the morning.

Beatles or Stones?

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
I’d find some athlete in his prime, go buy all his memorabilia and get him to sign a shitload of baseballs, and then pick him. I’d be set.

Beer, wine or hard liquor?
I usually just drink lighter fluid. It gets the job done.

Do you have any phobias?
I have a fear of waking up to find my penis missing and then find out he moved away to Argentina with a tranny named Alfreda.

What are your plans for the future?
Gradual insertion into the world’s subconscious. Removal of all ugly people. Fathering children to lead every country in the world.

Do you walk around the house naked?
The house, the yard, the grocery store, the movie theater . . .

If you were an animal what would you be?
Something that can perform oral sex on itself.

Hair color you like on someone you’re dating?
I usually don’t look above the chest area.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
That reminds me. How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They would rearrange the furniture and leave the plunger in the toilet. How did Helen Keller masturbate? With one hand in the air signing “Oh! Oh!” How did Helen Keller go deaf in her right ear? The phone rang and she picked up the iron. How did she go deaf in her left ear? They called back.

Do you have any special talents?
I can identify erect nipples over the telephone.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
I usually kill the hooker before the door has even closed.

Do you like horror or comedy?
I only watch foreign historical documentaries that are in their native tongue with no subtitles.

Are you missing anyone?
My God! Where did Bobby go? He was right here a second ago, I swear!

Where do you want to live when you are old?
I plan on having the ability to breathe underwater by then, so Atlantis would do fine.

Who is the person you can count on the most?
My dealer. That guy will never let me down or screw me over.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Sarah Silverman. Or George Burns.

What did you dream last night?
That I was eating raw chicken. I can’t find Jigsaw today, now that I think about it . . .

What is your favorite sport to watch?
Teenage Lesbian Sex.

Are you named after anyone?
The first man on Earth to get fucked over by a woman who got greedy and had to take that fucking apple. Stupid whore.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
A Nectarini.

Non alcoholic drink?
Diet Coke with Lime. Or ballsweat.

Have you ever been in love?
The real question is “Has Love ever been inside me?” And the answer is yes. Many, many times.

Do you sing in the shower?
Only until I drop the soap. Then I yodel.

Have you ever been arrested?
Well, there was this one show – To Catch a Predator, I think it was called. Let’s just say that they didn’t have any evidence, and I thought I was sending photos of my penis to a consenting 15-year old girl, not a naive 15-year old girl.

What is your favorite Holiday?

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Well, I plan on having my testicles replaced with actual brass at some point.

Have you ever caught a fish?
This is how you end the survey? With a question about fishing? That’s like a nice date that ends up back in her bedroom, and you go into the bathroom only to come out and find her in leather with a whip and a 14″ strap-on, holding onto a small midget gimp named Fernando. It just lowers the bar so much.

64 thoughts on “u r sew kewl”

  1. Jesus. Mr. Belding was a flamer. Mr. Horton though – HAWT.

    Great answers, though remind me never to lick your tongue, seeing as you licked the backside of a homeless dude. Blech.

  2. Will Britt let you borrow yours long enough so that they can make a mold for the brass?

    Just wondering because she’s really cool, but SO not that generous or compassionate.

    You’re going to end up with brass balls that are identical to that monkey from Pirates of the Caribbean.

  3. Karen, did you have plans to lick my tongue before this? Rawr. And go to http://www.gravatar.com to set up your own image that will work on every blog with the Gravatar plugin.

    Amanda, are you encroaching on my dreams?

    BPR, happy birthday! I gave in and sent you an e-card, you needy bastard.

    Tracy, it can be very motivating for the lickee.

    Sheila, I’m wanted in 38 states.

    Amy, she’d better, or I’ll have to pull off a daring heist to get them back.

    Angel, I found her. She’s just missing a leg now.

    Mr. Fabulous, who hasn’t?

    DaisyJo, Dave loves ballsweat, too.

  4. “”Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them?
    Only if it’s made their butthole too loose.””

    Is this why you no longer use lube with Fabby?

  5. Why do you make your Monday posts so fucking long?! Ugh! I’ll be back later to actually read. Sorry to join the party late again, but I don’t speed read like you.

  6. HoosierGirl, you don’t believe me?

    Turnbaby, no – we actually have to use more lube now.

    Poppy, I guess I’ll set up a post committee ahead of time to get approval.

    Mr. Fab, there will always be the videos you two recorded.

  7. I enjoy committees, so I’ve placed myself on it. Britt and Amy can approve the content, I’ll approve the length and help you brainstorm lame content ideas so that you can come up with the genius ones.

    Still haven’t actually read the post.

  8. Why oh why do I start my morning with you. Now I will spend all day trying to figure out how to pee on state signs. I must drink, er think upon this and figure out how that would work for a member of the vagina brigade.

    Plus Mr. Belding was and still is hawt. I rub one out to him at least once a week. Usually on Tuesday as the other days are reserved already.

  9. :sex023: That stick wood yer sportin up there ^ (you know on the stick dude at the top)
    Well he’s turning me on, so put his pants back on ! :crazywife:
    hahahahahaa1 avitar no avitable,(I did watch your vlog and now am reinforced on how to say your name LOL) “You are one wild and crazy guy”-Steve Martin…
    Really I think your very very funny and I enjoy your humor.

  10. Poppy, I have lame content ideas?

    Mistress Yoda, Guatemala.

    ADW, just left your leg and concentrate.

    Mist, I live my life by the Boy Scout motto, “Be Prepared.”

    SQD, have you had your morning coffee yet?

  11. Are looks important?
    My looks? No. Yours? Yes.

    That would be funnier if it wasn’t so true.

    RE: a committee to approve your blog content – I have tried, you don’t listen, and then we get lame ass answering machine videos!

  12. Beatles or Stones?

    Well, the Monkees did have a TV show. :dance:

    If you were an animal what would you be?
    Something that can perform oral sex on itself.

    So, you want to be a house cat?

  13. Of course not I went straight to the bottle and left the :martini: behind….. Why fuck with tact when you’re pissed off already ….
    Yes of course Ive had my coffee silly , I’m addicted to it how could I even think of starting a day without it ! I mean people would die and I do hate to clean house . I try and make people stay outside so I don’t have to fuck with it at all…..
    gosh I can see I’m going nowhere:banghead: with this so, whatever…. LOL LOL
    Have a good Day….

  14. House Un-American ComBrittee, that was a funny video! Dogfucker.

    Crystal, you, of course, are a glorious and edifying exception.

    Mistress Yoda, who let the dogs out?

    Lynda, yeah, that would be cool.

    SQD, have fun and try not to kill anyone!

    Poppy, yeah, she’s evil.

  15. i got the whole way through this meme but I’m still stuck on the first one…. licking CDs? is this supposed to work? gross! I feel like I need to start wearing latex gloves before I watch my Blockbuster movies now…. ugh.

  16. For the last few weeks I have been hearing …more like reading the hype about you. And I finally gave into temptation. I checked out your site. I think I am gonna have to keep your link.

  17. Mistress Yoda, I’m actually very meticulous and conscientious.

    Dawn, I know! I’ve never heard that before. Maybe I can start a trend of people licking things to get them to work.

    PhD in Brittory, oh har fucking HAR!

    BPR, you mean you’re not a homeless person?

    Poppy, as soon as it happens, I know. It’s a gift.

    DB, I’m trying to bring enlightenment and joy to the world here. You should continue reading.

    MisstressM, I’d urge you not to place my link into any orifices as it can cause itching and swelling.

  18. (Sorry I’m here so late–my damn job blocks any websites with foul language. And boobs. :boobs5: )

    Anyhoo, Mr. Belding and I went to the same high school. Not at the same time, mind you. I was subjected to that damn show every fucking day after school on TBS by my sister.

    Just some pointless trivia for Monday.

  19. Poppy, you’re all about nipplage.

    Bdogg, did you show up at reunions and try to hook up with Dennis Haskins?

    Mistress Yoda, where are my pants?

    Angel, oh, if you wanted me to tell you, you have to pay!

    Trish, tastes like sugar and burnt poop.

  20. I thought I recognized you from when I was homeless…the licks I get when I come here feel real familiar.

    You’re Canoe – fun bus ride the first time…but then the big boat sucked.

  21. Sarcastica, I only use Myspace to hit on 12-year old girls.

    RW, you probably couldn’t see it without your bifocals, though.

    Trishk, it’s a Jelly Belly jellybean flavor.

    Tug, I don’t understand the latter part of your comment at all. Were you speaking grandma?

  22. Um, no more jelly belly’s for me.ugh. by the way the people I work with think I am nuts now. I walk around the office saying the correct pronunciation of your name, repeating it over and over and over….(did I mention my OCD?)

  23. Canoe – Keanu.

    One time, I was in a bus that was going extremely fast, and we came up on a part of the interstate that wasn’t finished yet. We weren’t able to stop, so this guy in the front of the bus with a monotone said that we had to go faster, and we jumped the gap.

    No grandma-speak, please try & keep up.

    And no, the weekend with the young ‘uns didn’t even kill me – I ROCK. :clap: :sexytime: :boobs1:

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