Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here's the NYCWD update:

I'm still tallying the final totals – I have a few stragglers who I know are donating, so I want to wait until they do so before I give the final total amount that we'll be sending. That should be tomorrow or Wednesday, and then I'll give a complete breakdown.

And now, Monday's post:

And now, due to popular demand, I'm tackling another Myspace survey!

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
No. I have, however, licked the back of a homeless person to get him to work. Changed his life.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
Well, she was 16, and I was 48. What's that, two score plus some?

Ever been in a car wreck?
One time, I was in a bus that was going extremely fast, and we came up on a part of the interstate that wasn't finished yet. We weren't able to stop, so this guy in the front of the bus with a monotone said that we had to go faster, and we jumped the gap.

Were you popular in high school?
In my day, popularity was determined by the number of people that would come up and randomly punch you. So yes, I was one of the most popular kids in school.

Have you ever been on a blind date?
Yes, but I severely misunderstood. If I had realized she wasn't actually blind, I would have worn clothes. And I wouldn't have masturbated right there at the table.

Are looks important?
My looks? No. Yours? Yes.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
No. My friends only last six months before they go insane and run off to join a convent or monastery.

By what age would you like to be married?
Someday, I hope a man will come along and make me his beautiful bride before I reach old age at 22.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?
Only if it's made their butthole too loose.

Have you ever made a mistake?
No. I can say with absolute certainty that I have never made a mistake. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Are you a good tipper?
Yes. I give a minimum of 20%, and sometimes up to 40-50%. And sometimes, I leave tips like "Please brush your teeth" and "Don't bathe in rat-piss next time".

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?
I just spread peanut butter on my head and lay down in an alley for rats to chew my hair off. It's free!

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Mr. Belding was fucking hot.

Have you ever peed in public?
I have a goal to pee on the "Welcome to" signs of every state in the United States. I'm only 10 states away! I'm really worried about Alaska, though.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
"I Touch Myself", by the Divinyls. And I want to be buried with my penis pump, hand lotion, and a large supply of toilet paper rolls. I'll be wanking in Hell.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
Answer yes or no. Does your mom know that you're a retard?

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
I eat every meal as if I'm getting executed in the morning.

Beatles or Stones?
Monkees.

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
I'd find some athlete in his prime, go buy all his memorabilia and get him to sign a shitload of baseballs, and then pick him. I'd be set.

Beer, wine or hard liquor?
I usually just drink lighter fluid. It gets the job done.

Do you have any phobias?
I have a fear of waking up to find my penis missing and then find out he moved away to Argentina with a tranny named Alfreda.

What are your plans for the future?
Gradual insertion into the world's subconscious. Removal of all ugly people. Fathering children to lead every country in the world.

Do you walk around the house naked?
The house, the yard, the grocery store, the movie theater . . .

If you were an animal what would you be?
Something that can perform oral sex on itself.

Hair color you like on someone you're dating?
I usually don't look above the chest area.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
That reminds me. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They would rearrange the furniture and leave the plunger in the toilet. How did Helen Keller masturbate? With one hand in the air signing "Oh! Oh!" How did Helen Keller go deaf in her right ear? The phone rang and she picked up the iron. How did she go deaf in her left ear? They called back.

Do you have any special talents?
I can identify erect nipples over the telephone.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
I usually kill the hooker before the door has even closed.

Do you like horror or comedy?
I only watch foreign historical documentaries that are in their native tongue with no subtitles.

Are you missing anyone?
My God! Where did Bobby go? He was right here a second ago, I swear!

Where do you want to live when you are old?
I plan on having the ability to breathe underwater by then, so Atlantis would do fine.

Who is the person you can count on the most?
My dealer. That guy will never let me down or screw me over.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Sarah Silverman. Or George Burns.

What did you dream last night?
That I was eating raw chicken. I can't find Jigsaw today, now that I think about it . . .

What is your favorite sport to watch?
Teenage Lesbian Sex.

Are you named after anyone?
The first man on Earth to get fucked over by a woman who got greedy and had to take that fucking apple. Stupid whore.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
A Nectarini.

Non alcoholic drink?
Diet Coke with Lime. Or ballsweat.

Have you ever been in love?
The real question is "Has Love ever been inside me?" And the answer is yes. Many, many times.

Do you sing in the shower?
Only until I drop the soap. Then I yodel.

Have you ever been arrested?
Well, there was this one show – To Catch a Predator, I think it was called. Let's just say that they didn't have any evidence, and I thought I was sending photos of my penis to a consenting 15-year old girl, not a naive 15-year old girl.

What is your favorite Holiday?
Billie

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Well, I plan on having my testicles replaced with actual brass at some point.

Have you ever caught a fish?
This is how you end the survey? With a question about fishing? That's like a nice date that ends up back in her bedroom, and you go into the bathroom only to come out and find her in leather with a whip and a 14" strap-on, holding onto a small midget gimp named Fernando. It just lowers the bar so much.

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