It's time for your final NYCWD update:
We reached $3500! That's an average of $350 per day, and $14.58 per hour! We received 275 donations from almost every state in the country plus Canada, Australia, Europe, Asia, and the Middle East.
Now, I'm just waiting for some pending check payments through Paypal to officially clear, and a check will be sent to NYCWD to help alleviate any of his costs, personal or otherwise.
Thank you to everyone for your generosity. I was completely amazed at the outpouring of support from the blogging community. It was absolutely tremendous. And thank you to Amy for creating these great graphics that have circled the globe and been downloaded 700 times!
And now, Tuesday's post:
Since learning about the awesomeness of a professional shave, I started going to the barber's every Monday. I would get shaved every week, and every third week, I'd get a haircut. I started off with the original guy, but he was a bit unreliable, so I moved on and started getting everything done exclusively by the owner, Cori. She was great, didn't make small talk, and it's been a great 4 months.
Then came yesterday. I should have known that something was up when I didn't see Cori's car in the parking lot. I walk in and ask the barber who was there (who I didn't recognize), "Where's Cori?"
"Oh, Cori's out until Thursday. She rescheduled all of her customers with Anthernee."
"Who's Anthernee?" I ask, with severe trepidation creeping into my voice.
"I am!" A voice booms out from the back of the room. I expect to see a virile young man walk out, ready to give me my shave and a haircut. Instead, a wizened little black man comes slowly around the corner. He was only about four feet tall, and it took him a full five minutes to walk the 15 feet to his chair. "Hop on in," he booms, and I jump because his voice is so uncharacteristic of his size and age! How do his lungs produce that much power?
I reluctantly sit in the chair and watch helplessly as it takes all of his strength, pushing with both of his hands, to turn the chair to face the mirror. "I'd like you to do a shave, trim the beard, and give me a haircut," I say. "Just trim the sides and the top - nothing fancy is necessary."
"No problem," he says, and, after putting the apron around my neck and fastening it, picks up a comb and a pair of scissors. And I watch in rapt fascination and abject horror as his hands shake worse than Michael J. Fox on a bad day.
Moving so fast that they almost blurred, his shaky hands holding implements of sharp pain got closer and closer to my head. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. "Oh God of Haircutteries and Salons, please let my death be quick and painless at the hands of the vibrating scissors of doom."
I'm not sure if he just had to get the shaking out of his system, but once the scissors actually touched my head, it stopped immediately. Or so I thought. It could have been that with one hand he was just shaking the chair at such a rhythm that we were all synchronized in our movements. I don't know. At any rate, the haircut was painless.
Then we move onto the shave. "You're going to look like Charlie Daniels," he says.
Having no idea who that is other than a vague memory of the name, I nod sagely. Well, as sagely as one can nod when covered with a towel and with a razor blade against your neck. "Most people think I look like Kevin Smith," I said.
"Who?"
"Kevin Smith!"
"Cam Sharif? No, you don't look anything like him."
"KEVIN SMITH!!"
"Who?"
"Charlie Daniels."
"Ah yes, of course."
Slowly (oh every so slowly), he shaves my face. I feel the straight razor scraping my cheeks, my neck, my ears, and, strangely, right under my lips. That doesn't make any sense, because I have a beard there, but I assume that he's just making a straight line so that it doesn't look quite so grizzly. I soon forget and close my eyes and relax, figuring that I'll either die by Ol' Mr. Shaky Hands, or he'll finish the job and I'll survive.
Once he's done, he removes the hot towel from my eyes, raises the chair, and I look at this in the mirror:
I mean, what the fuck? Why do I have bald spots under the edges of my lips? What would entice this ancient barber to give me a perpetual frown? I went home and showed my wife, and the first thing she said was, "Oh my God. You look like a clown now!" And she was right.
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haha, first comment.
Comments by Bethie
clowns are scary
Oh and great job on the NYCWD part. The whole effort is amazing.
Comments by Amanda
First let me say: WOW and AWESOME on the Dawg part.
Next.
(You don't have a shocked smilie? You can't tell me people are never shocked here....)
OMG I'm so sorry.
I'll add to your little prayer.
"Please lord let whatever ol' shaky hands does to me grow back quickly"
You don't have plans to leave the house for the next week or two do you?
Comments by Fogspinner
That Avitable... he's so hot right now.
I hear the sad clown look is coming back into style, which is pretty remarkable considering the last time it was in fashion was a hundred years ago (or whatever), made popular by Red Skelton!
Comments by Dave2
I heart photoshop!
And thats excellent news about dawg. How is he doing?
Comments by Phishez
Sadly that's the way my beard looks all the time. We only have one good barber shop where I live, they are vocal right wing conservative, anti Semitic and I suspect Polish or some Slavic background. They have been here as a family of barbers since statehood, I think.
One son never talks, the other wont shut up and the father, our own local Mr. Shaky Hands can at times give a kick ass haircut (for a bald man) The worst part of the haircut experience is not the inevitable question of "Trim down them eyebrows for you...?" It the automatic follow up comment, "Yup for some of you fellers, the eyebrows are the biggest part of the hair cut." Bastards!
Comments by y2k survivor
Yeah and one side is lower than the other. I say go back there and kill his ass.
Comments by RW
Dude I just read Dave's comment and I realize I am not living up to the guy code here. I need to step up and be a problem solver! So, I have been racking my brain trying to think of a quick fix for your face. And I think I have the answer!! Dude, if you are real discrete about it, maybe you can get by with something like a nose hair comb over. Just don't tell anybody, because comb overs seem to be something rude people make fun of. Good luck!
Comments by y2k survivor
Surely, you have an eyebrow pencil in your home. Color those bald patches in until you decide if you're going to to the toupee or hair plug route.
Comments by Mist 1
....?
Hey, maybe you can look forward to a promising career in the rodeo? I would trade it in for a free job from Cori next time.
And you do look like Kevin Smith, only cuter.
Comments by MsFreud
But it looks good with your mushroom-cloud haircut!
Comments by Dee
Just shave it all off, baby, and start from scratch!
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Here's a suggestion
....
Sorry but it really doesn't look that bad ..... for a clown < :-)
Oh Avi, it's not the facial hair that makes a man , It's his penis ....
OK, so where was I....
You're the best.... Well at something I'm sure LOL
OK, Now for my serious side.....
Hugs and I really do think your a true diamond in the ruff... I'm so proud of what everyone did for the Dawg... You and Amy rock
Peace!
Comments by Judy
Bethie, didn't you know the rules? First commenter has to email me a boob pic.
Amanda, yes, it really was amazing.
Fogspinner, if I leave the house, it will be with my face wrapped in a niqab.
Dave, I am a trendsetter, what can I say?
Phishez, who said it was Photoshop? I ran off and joined the circus. And you can go to NYCWD's blog to see his recent posting about his son.
Y2K, I'm used to having my eyebrow turned into two svelter eyebrows. I'm proud of my hirsute nature.
RW, I didn't even notice THAT! Damn it.
Mist, I was going to shave pubic hair and then just glue it there. Do you think that would work?
MsFreud, I think I'd rather join the circus - less chance of being attacked by bulls. And there's no rodeo in Florida, but we are the home to all of the circus freak show retirees.
Dee, the haircut is okay - it's just the way that I'm sitting and that I didn't comb it that makes it look poofy.
Mr. Fabulous, Amy would kill me! I've had this for 13 years - she's never seen me without facial hair.
Judy, well, if it's the penis that makes the man, I'm fucked.
Comments by Avitable
The 3500.00 thing is so fantastic.
Um, as for the beard thing, just wear a burka(sp?) until it grows back. Or a giant Sombrero that covers your face. Or one of those fancy Kentucky Derby hats. See, solutions abound.
Comments by ADW
"You're going to look like Charlie Daniels"
I would grow a beard just on the off chance of someone, somewhere eventually saying that to me.
Comments by Pete
Just wear a mask for a couple of days. Tell people you have the bird flu. Start a panic!
Comments by Trish
STOP DRAWING ON YOURSELF? Please send me a photo of your face without all the lines and paint
of them - what?!on it. Right now. Do it!Comments by Poppy
LMAO! I was actually watching Catch and Release and was like "That's Avitable!" especially when he was in the bathrobe.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
ADW, you could just come walk around in front of me at all times so that they can't see the lower half of my face! I might have to hold onto your boobs to steer, though.
Pete, what about, "You look like you could use some Jack Daniels." Is that close enough?
Trish, ooh, brilliant! I think I'll make SARS sexy again.
Poppy, I actually drew that red line around my mouth in real life, so it's permanent. Sorry.
Mistress Yoda, people have always called me "Silent Bob - except you talk a lot".
Comments by Avitable
Now you can go out and scare small children anytime you like!
Comments by Bec
The real question is, do you know Ben Affleck?
Comments by Mistress Yoda
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
You really should have posted it without the lines too, because it's hysterical. It doesn't even need explaining or pointing out.
I am putting you in charge of all negotiations this weekend. Who could say no to a sad clown??
P.S. and: Why do I have to bald spots under the edges of my lips? - I believe you meant 2, or "two"
Comments by Miss Britt
I just discovered your blog last week and have been laughing ever since. This one made me read it out loud to my husband. Funy stuff.
Comments by mary
I was taught never to laugh at another's misfortunes, but-DAMN!!(Sorry,Mom! I just gotta
)
Avi, I'm so glad we got acquainted over here. If this blog is the worst thng you do in your life, you'll still go to heaven for what you did for NYCWD!
Comments by metalmom
Oh SNAP - Britt nailed your ass!!!!
I
Britt. Really, in that totally platonic girl crush way. And, no Avi - we will not do a topless pillow fight video for you.
Now that you are somewhat distracted - dear GOD that looks terrible... shave it all off and start over!!!! Please!!!! Mike did that once - and I begged him to grow it back. He did - all was fine. Your marriage will survive.
Comments by Amy
Bec, I do that anyway, naked!
Mistress Yoda, know him? Damn near rectum!
Send in the Britts, when I was looking at it last night, it didn't seem as obvious. I think I'm getting used to it. And that "to" was in there as a test to see who the smartest commenter is. You win!
Mary, thanks for the visit and comment!
Metalmom, we're big fans of schadenfreude here. Laugh away.
Amy, terrible? It looks terrible?
Comments by Avitable
shave it all off, start from scrath! won't take a big strong man like you long at all to grown it back.
Comments by hellohahanarf
I bet with the clown frown you DO look like Charlie Daniels! (Actually, I wouldn't know, because I don't listen to country music.)
I would guess that you look good without facial hair. However, after my dad shaved his mustache off, the whole family avoided him until it grew back. My sister even said he looked scary.
That is fantastic about the donations! I was hoping it would get to at least $3500.
Comments by Lynda
YAY! I win! I win!
And what is the prize for Most Condescending Commenter?
Comments by Miss Britt
Impressive.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Thank you for my pictures, my life is now fulfilled. Excuse me, I need some alone time.
Comments by Poppy
Hellohahanarf, but in the meantime, I might not have a chin. I don't know - I haven't seen myself without it for 13 years!
Lynda, exactly. That's why the beard stays.
Scratch-off Brittket, you win a trip to Florida for two. Airfare not included.
Mistress Yoda, yeah, that's all I've got.
Poppy, no dirty time with the photos!
Comments by Avitable
I'm just not going to tell you about it, then.
Comments by Poppy
It's nice to know that women are not the only sex that meet a new hairdresser or barber with trepidation. We're very loyal once we find someone we like. At least your hair grows fast!
Comments by Summer
Hm. I don't know. I kinda prefer Vegas...
Comments by Miss Britt
You look adorable as a sad little clown. Do you do parties? My neice's birthday is coming up. :)
Comments by Dragon
Ooo, Britt - maybe you should move to Vegas instead?
Comments by Amy
Poppy, oh, I'll know. I'll know.
Summer, it grows like the wind.
Let the Britts fall where they lay, dogfucker.
Dragon, is she over the age of 14? Because if so, I'm available.
Comments by Avitable
Amy, I've got two words for you, and they aren't "love" and "kisses".
Comments by Avitable
You have a webcam installed in my house, don't you!!!!!!! I *knew* there was something fishy about that package you sent me!
Comments by Poppy
How long will it take you to grow it back - a day?
YAY for the $3500 - beyond awesome!!
Comments by Tug
God. Damn. Smilies.
I just had to say thank you for organizing the drive. I will never in my life give back as much as you did in a week.
Kudos.
Back to the funny. I dug the clown photochop. Well done.
-AD
Comments by Amber
Poppy, and do you remember when that electrician showed up and said he had to do work on your wiring . . .
Tug, probably 3-4 days total.
Amber, do you see the words "Click for Smilies"? Click them once (sometimes twice), and the smilies will disappear! Why do you hate the boobs?
Comments by Avitable
Boy, do I. I'm still sore from that!
Comments by Poppy
(Damn, that would have been the perfect opportunity for my
smiley.)
Comments by Poppy
you look like the saddest clown ever...lmfao!
$3,500. Wow. Just, wow. I hope Paypal isn't going to take too much in the transfer. I know their fees aren't the best.
Comments by Webmiztris
Ooh! Now they're gone! Yer a genius! I like boobs. I don't like my mother-in-law or boss seeing them over my shoulder.
Besides, I gotta bust yer chops about something, A.
-AD
Comments by Amber
"boobs" and "bust" all in the same comment, amber? are you handing him another breat joke on a silver platter??
Comments by hellohahanarf
I want to know what you said to Shaky hands,
Comments by Shelli
You would have been better off with a soul patch! That's hilarious! I laughed SO hard! Yeah, what didja say to him? It's hard to be mean to a nice old man, so inquiring mindds want to know what you did!!
Comments by Cat
Poppy, yup. You missed a golden chance.
Dawn, that's after the Paypal fees!
Amber, I am indeed a genius.
Hello, what type of cretin do you take me for? I'm a gentleman at all times.
Shelli, I just left. And cried.
Cat, maybe I should have them make it into a soul patch. Now that would be cool.
Comments by Avitable
I wondered where my mop went. You stole it, dyed it green, and stuck it on your head.
Comments by Angel
Why is every comment bold??
Comments by Angel
I used to work with a guy who would spray paint his hair black - there would be a perfect line on his forehead... So maybe you could just get that paint for your little, frowny, frown, frown...
Comments by Erica AP
I am amazed at the total we ended up with for the Dawg. The blogging community is comprised of the greatest most generous people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Great job, Avitable. You championed an incredible gesture and I want you to know how proud I am to have you as a friend.
Love love love.
cp.
Comments by CP
Fuck.
(Phew!)
Comments by Poppy
Angel, yes, I stole your mop. Moohahahaha!
Erica AP, ooh, that's a good idea!
CP, you must have me confused with another Avitable.
Poppy, too little, too late.
Comments by Avitable
since i really detest facial hair, this is super amusing to me!
what a great birthday gift you have given me Oh Clowny one!
Comments by bluepaintred
Comments by Amy
Well, when you are done with it, can I have it back, signed please. When you become famous I want to be able to say that I knew you when you had a fucked up beard. LMAO!!
Comments by Angel
Adam... that was the FUNNIEST post I've EVER read and your face is now my desktop wallpaper. You gave Fabby a run for his money today buddy boy! Thanks for the uber-giggles.
Comments by jasmine
Um. You? Are no fun.
Comments by Poppy
Cue music - The Entertainer aka Charlie Chaplin's theme.
Comments by Brandi
oh...my...god.
you do.
i'm so sorry Adam!!!
Comments by Crys
So now the Avitable artwork will have a new era - the clown phase.
Oh, and would you turn off the postcard? it keeps following me in the bathroom and asks to be "used". I don't even know what it means.
Comments by Wayne
STILL NO FUN. But I still
you.
Comments by Poppy
I really never understood the whole clown phobia thing. Until now.
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
HAHAAHAHA lmfao.
I can photoshop that ugly out if you want...
Comments by Sarcastica
"I can photoshop the ugly out"
HolyHELL, that cracked my ass up. Sarcastica - you could make a living doing that for people.
Comments by Tug
I've always feared that clowns will eat me...now I know what that clown will look like!
Comments by Jen
Hey I have found your blog and you are now one of my faves. big laughs all around.
sorry about your beard shave. pity.
Comments by Betty Boob Hug
BPR, you detest facial hair? You clearly only like little petite girls with penises.
Amy, ha!
Angel, of course.
Jasmine, I'm used to my balls being people's wallpaper - my face is a new thing.
Poppy, I'm tons of fun!
Brandi, what about "Send in the Clowns"?
Crystal, can't you fix it with your magical powers?
Wayne, there is no off switch.
Girl, Dislocated, hey - clowns are cuddly and fun!
Sarcastica, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Very nice!
Tug, she's a funny one.
Jen, oh, and I am hungry!
Betty, thanks for the visit and comment!
Comments by Avitable