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Two bits indeed

It’s time for your final NYCWD update:

We reached $3500! That’s an average of $350 per day, and $14.58 per hour! We received 275 donations from almost every state in the country plus Canada, Australia, Europe, Asia, and the Middle East.

Now, I’m just waiting for some pending check payments through Paypal to officially clear, and a check will be sent to NYCWD to help alleviate any of his costs, personal or otherwise.

Thank you to everyone for your generosity. I was completely amazed at the outpouring of support from the blogging community. It was absolutely tremendous. And thank you to Amy for creating these great graphics that have circled the globe and been downloaded 700 times!

And now, Tuesday’s post:

Since learning about the awesomeness of a professional shave, I started going to the barber’s every Monday. I would get shaved every week, and every third week, I’d get a haircut. I started off with the original guy, but he was a bit unreliable, so I moved on and started getting everything done exclusively by the owner, Cori. She was great, didn’t make small talk, and it’s been a great 4 months.

Then came yesterday. I should have known that something was up when I didn’t see Cori’s car in the parking lot. I walk in and ask the barber who was there (who I didn’t recognize), “Where’s Cori?”

“Oh, Cori’s out until Thursday. She rescheduled all of her customers with Anthernee.”

“Who’s Anthernee?” I ask, with severe trepidation creeping into my voice.

“I am!” A voice booms out from the back of the room. I expect to see a virile young man walk out, ready to give me my shave and a haircut. Instead, a wizened little black man comes slowly around the corner. He was only about four feet tall, and it took him a full five minutes to walk the 15 feet to his chair. “Hop on in,” he booms, and I jump because his voice is so uncharacteristic of his size and age! How do his lungs produce that much power?

I reluctantly sit in the chair and watch helplessly as it takes all of his strength, pushing with both of his hands, to turn the chair to face the mirror. “I’d like you to do a shave, trim the beard, and give me a haircut,” I say. “Just trim the sides and the top – nothing fancy is necessary.”

“No problem,” he says, and, after putting the apron around my neck and fastening it, picks up a comb and a pair of scissors. And I watch in rapt fascination and abject horror as his hands shake worse than Michael J. Fox on a bad day.

Moving so fast that they almost blurred, his shaky hands holding implements of sharp pain got closer and closer to my head. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. “Oh God of Haircutteries and Salons, please let my death be quick and painless at the hands of the vibrating scissors of doom.”

I’m not sure if he just had to get the shaking out of his system, but once the scissors actually touched my head, it stopped immediately. Or so I thought. It could have been that with one hand he was just shaking the chair at such a rhythm that we were all synchronized in our movements. I don’t know. At any rate, the haircut was painless.

Then we move onto the shave. “You’re going to look like Charlie Daniels,” he says.

Having no idea who that is other than a vague memory of the name, I nod sagely. Well, as sagely as one can nod when covered with a towel and with a razor blade against your neck. “Most people think I look like Kevin Smith,” I said.


“Kevin Smith!”

“Cam Sharif? No, you don’t look anything like him.”



“Charlie Daniels.”

“Ah yes, of course.”

Slowly (oh every so slowly), he shaves my face. I feel the straight razor scraping my cheeks, my neck, my ears, and, strangely, right under my lips. That doesn’t make any sense, because I have a beard there, but I assume that he’s just making a straight line so that it doesn’t look quite so grizzly. I soon forget and close my eyes and relax, figuring that I’ll either die by Ol’ Mr. Shaky Hands, or he’ll finish the job and I’ll survive.

Once he’s done, he removes the hot towel from my eyes, raises the chair, and I look at this in the mirror:


I mean, what the fuck? Why do I have bald spots under the edges of my lips? What would entice this ancient barber to give me a perpetual frown? I went home and showed my wife, and the first thing she said was, “Oh my God. You look like a clown now!” And she was right.


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73 Replies to “Two bits indeed”

  1. Fogspinner

    First let me say: WOW and AWESOME on the Dawg part.


    (You don’t have a shocked smilie? You can’t tell me people are never shocked here….)

    OMG I’m so sorry.
    I’ll add to your little prayer.
    “Please lord let whatever ol’ shaky hands does to me grow back quickly”

    You don’t have plans to leave the house for the next week or two do you?

  2. Dave2

    That Avitable… he’s so hot right now.

    I hear the sad clown look is coming back into style, which is pretty remarkable considering the last time it was in fashion was a hundred years ago (or whatever), made popular by Red Skelton!

  3. y2k survivor

    Sadly that’s the way my beard looks all the time. We only have one good barber shop where I live, they are vocal right wing conservative, anti Semitic and I suspect Polish or some Slavic background. They have been here as a family of barbers since statehood, I think.

    One son never talks, the other wont shut up and the father, our own local Mr. Shaky Hands can at times give a kick ass haircut (for a bald man) The worst part of the haircut experience is not the inevitable question of “Trim down them eyebrows for you…?” It the automatic follow up comment, “Yup for some of you fellers, the eyebrows are the biggest part of the hair cut.” Bastards!

  4. y2k survivor

    Dude I just read Dave’s comment and I realize I am not living up to the guy code here. I need to step up and be a problem solver! So, I have been racking my brain trying to think of a quick fix for your face. And I think I have the answer!! Dude, if you are real discrete about it, maybe you can get by with something like a nose hair comb over. Just don’t tell anybody, because comb overs seem to be something rude people make fun of. Good luck!

  5. MsFreud

    Hey, maybe you can look forward to a promising career in the rodeo? I would trade it in for a free job from Cori next time.

    And you do look like Kevin Smith, only cuter. 😛 :heartbeat:

  6. Judy

    Here’s a suggestion :violent029: ….
    Sorry but it really doesn’t look that bad ….. for a clown <:-) Oh Avi, it's not the facial hair that makes a man , It's his penis .... OK, so where was I.... :sex014: You're the best.... Well at something I'm sure LOL OK, Now for my serious side..... Hugs and I really do think your a true diamond in the ruff... I'm so proud of what everyone did for the Dawg... You and Amy rock :clap: Peace!

  7. Avitable

    Bethie, didn’t you know the rules? First commenter has to email me a boob pic.

    Amanda, yes, it really was amazing.

    Fogspinner, if I leave the house, it will be with my face wrapped in a niqab.

    Dave, I am a trendsetter, what can I say?

    Phishez, who said it was Photoshop? I ran off and joined the circus. And you can go to NYCWD’s blog to see his recent posting about his son.

    Y2K, I’m used to having my eyebrow turned into two svelter eyebrows. I’m proud of my hirsute nature.

    RW, I didn’t even notice THAT! Damn it.

    Mist, I was going to shave pubic hair and then just glue it there. Do you think that would work?

    MsFreud, I think I’d rather join the circus – less chance of being attacked by bulls. And there’s no rodeo in Florida, but we are the home to all of the circus freak show retirees.

    Dee, the haircut is okay – it’s just the way that I’m sitting and that I didn’t comb it that makes it look poofy.

    Mr. Fabulous, Amy would kill me! I’ve had this for 13 years – she’s never seen me without facial hair.

    Judy, well, if it’s the penis that makes the man, I’m fucked.

  8. ADW

    The 3500.00 thing is so fantastic.

    Um, as for the beard thing, just wear a burka(sp?) until it grows back. Or a giant Sombrero that covers your face. Or one of those fancy Kentucky Derby hats. See, solutions abound.

  9. Avitable

    ADW, you could just come walk around in front of me at all times so that they can’t see the lower half of my face! I might have to hold onto your boobs to steer, though.

    Pete, what about, “You look like you could use some Jack Daniels.” Is that close enough?

    Trish, ooh, brilliant! I think I’ll make SARS sexy again.

    Poppy, I actually drew that red line around my mouth in real life, so it’s permanent. Sorry.

    Mistress Yoda, people have always called me “Silent Bob – except you talk a lot”.

  10. Miss Britt


    You really should have posted it without the lines too, because it’s hysterical. It doesn’t even need explaining or pointing out.

    I am putting you in charge of all negotiations this weekend. Who could say no to a sad clown??

    P.S. and: Why do I have to bald spots under the edges of my lips? – I believe you meant 2, or “two”

  11. metalmom

    I was taught never to laugh at another’s misfortunes, but-DAMN!!(Sorry,Mom! I just gotta :lmao: )
    Avi, I’m so glad we got acquainted over here. If this blog is the worst thng you do in your life, you’ll still go to heaven for what you did for NYCWD! :angel:

  12. Amy

    Oh SNAP – Britt nailed your ass!!!!

    I :heartbeat: Britt. Really, in that totally platonic girl crush way. And, no Avi – we will not do a topless pillow fight video for you.

    Now that you are somewhat distracted – dear GOD that looks terrible… shave it all off and start over!!!! Please!!!! Mike did that once – and I begged him to grow it back. He did – all was fine. Your marriage will survive.

  13. Avitable

    Bec, I do that anyway, naked!

    Mistress Yoda, know him? Damn near rectum!

    Send in the Britts, when I was looking at it last night, it didn’t seem as obvious. I think I’m getting used to it. And that “to” was in there as a test to see who the smartest commenter is. You win!

    Mary, thanks for the visit and comment!

    Metalmom, we’re big fans of schadenfreude here. Laugh away.

    Amy, terrible? It looks terrible?

  14. Lynda

    I bet with the clown frown you DO look like Charlie Daniels! (Actually, I wouldn’t know, because I don’t listen to country music.)

    I would guess that you look good without facial hair. However, after my dad shaved his mustache off, the whole family avoided him until it grew back. My sister even said he looked scary.

    That is fantastic about the donations! I was hoping it would get to at least $3500.

  15. Avitable

    Hellohahanarf, but in the meantime, I might not have a chin. I don’t know – I haven’t seen myself without it for 13 years!

    Lynda, exactly. That’s why the beard stays.

    Scratch-off Brittket, you win a trip to Florida for two. Airfare not included.

    Mistress Yoda, yeah, that’s all I’ve got.

    Poppy, no dirty time with the photos!

  16. Summer

    It’s nice to know that women are not the only sex that meet a new hairdresser or barber with trepidation. We’re very loyal once we find someone we like. At least your hair grows fast!

  17. Amber

    God. Damn. Smilies.

    I just had to say thank you for organizing the drive. I will never in my life give back as much as you did in a week.


    Back to the funny. I dug the clown photochop. Well done.


  18. Avitable

    Poppy, and do you remember when that electrician showed up and said he had to do work on your wiring . . .

    Tug, probably 3-4 days total.

    Amber, do you see the words “Click for Smilies”? Click them once (sometimes twice), and the smilies will disappear! Why do you hate the boobs?

  19. Amber

    Ooh! Now they’re gone! Yer a genius! I like boobs. I don’t like my mother-in-law or boss seeing them over my shoulder.

    Besides, I gotta bust yer chops about something, A.


  20. Cat

    You would have been better off with a soul patch! That’s hilarious! I laughed SO hard! Yeah, what didja say to him? It’s hard to be mean to a nice old man, so inquiring mindds want to know what you did!!

  21. Avitable

    Poppy, yup. You missed a golden chance.

    Dawn, that’s after the Paypal fees!

    Amber, I am indeed a genius.

    Hello, what type of cretin do you take me for? I’m a gentleman at all times.

    Shelli, I just left. And cried.

    Cat, maybe I should have them make it into a soul patch. Now that would be cool.

  22. Erica AP

    I used to work with a guy who would spray paint his hair black – there would be a perfect line on his forehead… So maybe you could just get that paint for your little, frowny, frown, frown…

  23. CP

    I am amazed at the total we ended up with for the Dawg. The blogging community is comprised of the greatest most generous people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Great job, Avitable. You championed an incredible gesture and I want you to know how proud I am to have you as a friend.

    Love love love.


  24. Wayne

    So now the Avitable artwork will have a new era – the clown phase.

    Oh, and would you turn off the postcard? it keeps following me in the bathroom and asks to be “used”. I don’t even know what it means.

  25. Avitable

    BPR, you detest facial hair? You clearly only like little petite girls with penises.

    Amy, ha!

    Angel, of course.

    Jasmine, I’m used to my balls being people’s wallpaper – my face is a new thing.

    Poppy, I’m tons of fun!

    Brandi, what about “Send in the Clowns”?

    Crystal, can’t you fix it with your magical powers?

    Wayne, there is no off switch.

    Girl, Dislocated, hey – clowns are cuddly and fun!

    Sarcastica, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Very nice!

    Tug, she’s a funny one.

    Jen, oh, and I am hungry!

    Betty, thanks for the visit and comment!

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