To mangle a phrase: "Behind every perverted gorilla man is an awesome woman who is really in charge." And with that, I would like to present a post written by my wife Amy. Read and comment in droves!
How do I put up with thee? Let me count the ways.
When Adam told me that he had a big fan base for his blog, I was sure that was the case since he’s always had followers of his wit. But when he said he was afraid that many people would think that his stories were exaggerated or never really happened, I knew that only I, his wife, could set the record straight. And yes, in case you’re wondering, I really do exist. So let me just tell you a little bit about why I love Adam.
10. He’s cute and funny. Adam has always been adorable. Whether as a precocious five year old who loved wearing lederhosen or as a cuddly man-boy with an obsession for cheesy girl bands, people have always loved Adam. Like the mail man who stalked him in college. Or the peeping tom who watched Adam unabashedly leave his dorm windows open when he was naked (yes, Adam was the naked guy). Or the bevy of girlfriends he’s managed to collect during our years together. What’s amazing is that he has all of these female hangers-on and it doesn’t occur to him that some of them have crushes on him. One carried his picture around, one used to give him free food as an excuse to talk to him, and one used to call him at all hours because “no one understands me like Adam.” What can I say – he’s just so dreamy.
9. He has a great fashion sense. On the runway, we see the Avitable in his trademark ensemble - black button-up shirt, long indigo shorts and black shoes with red shoelaces that do bear a certain resemblance to clown shoes. Why indigo shorts, you might ask? Because he thought indigo was another word for black and he’s colorblind. And yes, I do let him go out of the house looking like that with holes in his socks and occasionally in the crotch of his pants. I’m not his fucking mother.
8. He’s trusting. Let me give you a little example. In law school, he was having car trouble and didn’t feel like paying to have his car looked at by a professional. So he gave the transient at the crack house next to his apartment $200 to fix his car, and even took him to the liquor store so that the guy could get “parts.” Unfortunately, the guy disappeared (we’re still worried about what happened to him), but not before he took Adam’s starter so Adam couldn’t even get his car started to take it to a professional. I still feel guilty about being the jaded one who said you shouldn’t hire the homeless to fix your car.
7. He’s great with people. Adam has a natural charisma, particularly on the road. He drives fast even though he has no particular place to go, and cuts people off just to teach them a lesson. There have been a number of times when we’ll be sitting at a red light and someone will get out of their car and come up to us to express to Adam just how much they appreciate his lessons. One time, when I was out of town on business, I was talking on the phone to Adam and he had to go because the cops were at the door. Sadly, that was not the first time he’d said that to me. Apparently, he had cut an old lady off in traffic, she’d followed him home and blocked the driveway, he tried to “teach her a lesson,” and she called the cops. Lucky for us, there were no witnesses. And don’t even get me started about when the cops came to our wedding.
6. He’s observant and witty. Of course, one of the reasons that he’s so popular is his sense of humor. You see, when I make snide remarks, am sarcastic or judge people, I’m an insensitive bitch. When Adam does it, he’s witty. I love that.
5. He’s fair. He takes every opportunity to offend people equally. You have to hand it to him, he really doesn’t try to offend one group more than another. Except for fundamentalists. They drive him crazy. Oh, and ugly people. He just can’t take those uggos. And the disabled. Oh, never mind.
4. He’s patient. He puts up with all of my faults, like my drinking and cursing and domestic abuse. But he does get a little frustrated with the barfights.
3. He’s imaginative. He imagines all sorts of things, like that it’s ok for grown men to wear clown shoes or that the Spice Girls had talent. But the most impressive is his night terrors. He imagines giant spiders on the walls and the bed, and he used to leap across the room in the middle of the night when he saw them – which is a very eye-opening sight, let me tell you. He even sees them on my face sometimes, which may just be a defense for when he someday plans to murder me.
2. He’s a teddy bear. Not figuratively. Literally.
1. He’s honest. Oh yeah – I just remembered why I’m writing this damn thing. Because he is honest, and everything he’s written so far is true. Except for the size of his penis in his illustrations. It’s much bigger.
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You guys are PERFECT for each other!!! I'm glad you found her, Adam!
And, I'm glad that she's willing to deal with you for the rest of her life!
Comments by Sheila
Nice to meet you Mrs. Amy.
Comments by Brandi
Yeah...nice try. I want a notarized copy saying Amy wrote it. 'Cause I'm a bitch like that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see the boytoy that just showered.
hee.
Comments by Tug
oh, P.S. He loved your post card, so if you have more, please let me know & I'll get his address so you can send him one. You & Fab's - he loved them both. ;-)
Comments by Tug
Amy kicks ass for the lord.
Adam smells like pineapples.
Both are true.
Comments by Clown
aw how sweet
Comments by Amanda
Plus he is a very gentle lover.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
He paid you to say that stuff, right?
Comments by teebopop
hmmm , You almost had me fooled there for a minute Adam, I thought YOU wrote this but then it occurred to me,You hired a rent a wife! Yep! Thats so like you .... Someone to say just the right things at the right time. You are such a thinker and a doer..... I admire that, now cut it out .....
Really, I think its great you found someone who will put up with (your ego) You... It just goes to show you , there's one in every crowd, err I mean theres someone waiting for you thats the perfect match.
Peace!
Comments by Judy
Spice Girls did too have talent!! and I wake up in horror imagining big hairy spiders on the wall or hanging down into my face as well.
I have just "found" your husband and he is quite my favourite too.
Lucky you and I think you are a lovely wife to write such good ol' things about your fella.
love betty big boobs
Comments by Betty Boob Hug
As the Past President of the Homeless Coalition here, I do not believe the homeless crack addict meant to harm or disillusion you in any way. I firmly believe he used the $200 to better his life and is now an elected official in DC;
Comments by Trishk
Putting words into her mouth again. :)
You should trick Amy into guest posting more awesome, because is awesome.
And I love that photo.
Comments by Poppy
I guess the only thing to say is that you two are made for each other. Do you have kids? (she asks worriedly)
Very funny post.
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
No - it's got to be her for real - there's actual continuity and structure to the writing.
Comments by RW
Sheila, I'm glad, too. Otherwise, I'd be screwed!
Brandi, usually, it's Mrs. and then the last name. "Mrs. Amy" sounds like you're Short Round from Indiana Jones.
Tug, oh, it's Amy. I asked her to write a post last week, and she jumped on the idea. Glad your boy liked the postcard!
Clown, Amy kicks ass for pineapples, and I smell like the Lord. Get it straight.
Amanda, she is definitely a sweetheart.
Mr. Fabulous, only because you cry too much otherwise!
Teebopop, she makes more money than I do - I can't pay her anything!
Judy, well, I do rent her by the hour.
Betty Boob Hug, you have night terrors, too?
Trishk, that's what I thought, too, but my wife said that he probably used all to buy booze or more crack.
Poppy, it is a great photo from her trip to Paris last winter.
HG5, no kids. We'd scar them for life!
RW, I am not to be having the structure when I wrote?
Comments by Avitable
Don't let her get away ever!! This plan may involve rope and a time out closet, but wow, that lady is perfect for you. Plus she's funny and definitely no uggo.
Comments by ADW
"I'm not his fucking mother."
This is a perfect example of why I have a mega girl crush on Amy.
Hmm... she won't read these comments, will she? At least not while I'm still sleeping in her guest room, casually trying to mimic her mannerisms... picking up pieces of her hair...
That could be awkward.
@RW
Comments by Miss Britt
Was this really her? I never know when to believe you anymore, you've fooled me one too many times.
If it is her then I like her and I might borrow her from time to time.
If it's not her then I might suggest you lay off of the drugs just a little.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Doesn't count when you pay her off to say nice things about you.
Comments by sam
ADW, damn skippy.
Loose Britts Sink Ships, yeah, the hair thing was a little weird. Stop smelling it!
Mistress Yoda, it was her.
Sam, she did it of her own free will!
Comments by Avitable
Hey, I never doubted you, but I like your wife's post.
This is my favorite part: And yes, I do let him go out of the house looking like that with holes in his socks and occasionally in the crotch of his pants. I’m not his fucking mother.
I am the same way with my husband, and for the same reason.
Comments by Lynda
Ok, I'll take your word for it.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I'm surprised she didn't say that there was a life-sized model of your penis in the photo, behind and to the right.
Comments by Wayne
"I’m not his fucking mother."
i love that. that's what I say when Jason's friends ask if he can come out and "play"...lol
You two sound like soul mates. Seriously. :)
Comments by Webmiztris
I still don't believe she's real. That was almost convincing.
Comments by Mist 1
OMG! She IS you just skinnier and no penis.
Very freakin' cool.
Comments by Amy
I know why you and Fab like each other so much. It must be like looking in the mirror.
Comments by Shelli
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only guy out there with a taste for clown shoes, and a problem with spider-based night terrors. However, people seem a lot more likely to refer to me as "dickhead" than they do "teddy bear."
Comments by Jay
She sounds fucking awesome. One question... does she have a brother??
Also, I have a few coke rewards codes for you. Where should I send them?
Comments by Mel
Mel, who are you kidding??! You'll take Amy! You don't need "a brother"!!!
Hi, sweetie.
Comments by Poppy
Poppy, I'd be lying if I said that didn't cross my mind. But EVERYONE wants Amy (and for good reason). But you know me... I don't want to be like everyone else!
Also, hell yes I need "a brother". I like the ladies, but I can't live without cock!
Now, can I touch your boobs?
Comments by Mel
you are color blind? Cool ness
Comments by bluepaintred
Lynda, that was my favorite part, too.
Mistress Yoda, I'd never lie to you.
Wayne, well, she didn't want to make everyone jealous.
Dawn, it's true!
Mist, she's real!
Amy, told you!
Shelli, and the sex is fantastic.
Jay, I manage to be a dickhead with a smile. I get away with alot.
Mel, no brother, but a sister who's just like her.
Poppy, no giving Amy away!
BPR, not officially. Only when it comes to trying to match.
Comments by Avitable
I have the power, I have the power! Mel is a lot of fun, you sure you don't want to lend Amy out to her?
Comments by Poppy
If I can't have Amy, I'll always have you, my naughty Poppy!
Comments by Mel
Comments by Poppy
Ok, I'm just about ready to build a fucking altar to worship your wife. Not your fucking mother, indeed.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I like Amy's attitude. You are a very lucky man to have her. :) She seems like a sweetheart, because I totally would have kicked my husband's ass if the police showed up at our wedding for him.
Comments by Angel
Nice to meet you Mrs. Amy
You and Adam are very lucky to have eachother and we're pretty lucky to have him. And now you too... if you really wrote this, you should have your own blog!
Comments by jasmine
Poppy, I'd never get her back.
Tracy, she deserves an altar!
Angel, she's very understanding of my need to teach stupid people lessons.
Jasmine, she really wrote it. She's funny!
Comments by Avitable
Wow... I envy you... Have you any idea how many of us would want to be in your shoes... Kazillions!
Comments by DutchBitch
That’s it! There is nothing better than your spouse writing about how amazing you are.
Comments by MisstressM
I want to see a picture of the lederhosen!!!
Comments by Devilish Girl
DB, my shoes are pretty frightening, though.
Misstress, is that what she was doing?
Devilish, I will try to find a picture next time I'm over my parents' house. I think everyone would find it hilarious.
Comments by Avitable
With all of the stunts you've pulled on us and the funny stories you've told, one thing has always been clear... your love for Amy.
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
I need one.
Does this mean I have to go to law school to get one?
Damn.
Comments by NYCWD
Ha ha! I can't believe he gave a homeless guy $200 to fix his car!! Too funny. And so sweet!! : ) You two are quite a witty pair!
Comments by cat
Geeky Tai-Tai, I always thought my lack of shame was the one thing that has always been clear.
NYCWD, you could just hang out at one of the NY law schools and wait for one who wants to chase ambulances!
Cat, yeah, I thought he'd be cheaper than a professional!
Comments by Avitable
she's quite the whipper-snapper, Adam. i look forward to meeting her live and in person in September
Comments by Crys
She tends to avoid blogger gatherings, but I'll see if I can convince her to come.
Comments by Avitable
Well, yeah, that too!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
You invested well, Avitable. Many happy returns.
Comments by BOSSY