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Lies of Omission

On my Saturday vlog (which if you didn’t watch, you need to now), Britt said that I lie by omission quite frequently. I think she’s right, so I’ve decided to take this opportunity to correct all of my lies by omission by filling in the omissions. In parentheses is what I’ve left out when I’ve told half-truths all these years:

  • I have not had sex yet. (Vaginally.)
  • I did not spill toothpaste all over your couch. (It was semen, not toothpaste.)
  • I was not the one who ate all of the cookies your mom made. (I was one of four people.)
  • The priest did not touch me. (With his hands.)
  • Of course I’m not masturbating! (I just came.)
  • I did not let your cat out. (It mounted a daring escape.)
  • You do not look fat. (If I tilt my head and squint.)
  • I judge people by what’s on the inside. (Of their clothes.)
  • I didn’t know she was 15. (Already.)
  • It’s not what it looks like! (Unless it looks like I was streaking naked through the college with a balloon attached to my penis, because then, yes, it is exactly what it looks like.)
  • I’ve never been shot down by a woman. (Literally speaking. Figuratively speaking, yeah, it happens all the time.)
  • It was nice seeing you. (Leave.)
  • Of course I paid for this! (With my humiliation of being caught by the likes of you.)
  • I’m on a diet. (A diet designed for bodybuilders who want to gain mass, except I don’t plan on working out.)
  • I didn’t even notice her breasts! (At first.)
  • Would I really jerk off onto your face while you were sleeping? (Yes.)

Hmm – maybe I should start telling the whole truth!

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47 Replies to “Lies of Omission”

  1. Wayne

    No, I didn’t find myself trying to look down below where the camera cut off on the vlog entry (because I have the director’s cut edition that shows full frontal nudity).

  2. Avitable

    Clown, since I am a priest, I actually molested myself.

    Mr. Fabulous, like a weight has been lifted.

    Jason, and that’s why I lie by omission!

    Wayne, you’d be blind if you had that!

  3. Poppy

    You do not look fat. (If I tilt my head and squint.)

    I know for a fact that you would NEVER SAY THAT! I can’t believe you even wrote it down!!!!

    I know you want to pretend you’re some big tough guy but you always tell the ladies how beautiful they are when they’re having a down day.



  4. Avitable

    Poppy, I am a mean bastard!

    TMP, your opinion is clearly very intelligent.

    Mistress Yoda, especially about what I put in the cookie batter.

    Mrs. BB, when is lying NOT fun?

    Amy, when you’re right, you’re right.

  5. hellohahanarf

    i’m so guilty of the ommission lie! all the damn time.

    although friday i pulled off the best lie of my career. told 2 aunts and an uncle that their sister, my gorgeous beloved 65 year old aunt, pierced her nipples. and they belived me! i said some crap about after beating breast cancer she wanted to do something for herself. hehe

    at the end of the night when i tried to back out of the lie and come clean, they didn’t belive me. woops.

  6. Avitable

    Dragon, I’ve been saved by the Church of Holy Avitableness.

    Trish, what about the White Russian I made?

    Bossy, clearance? Pfft. I’m worth every penny of my original retail value.

    Barb, especially because I’d use my Force abilities to get myself a drink from the fridge or make women take their clothes off.

    Tug, well, sometimes I like watching people leave because they have cute butts. Like Britt (‘s husband, Jared).

  7. RW

    Wait… let me check my calendar. I may not be able to do this, I have toddies with the fellows at the club in two.

    Can we do this Friday?

    No… Muffy goes to the groomers…

    Oh this is just impossible!

  8. Lady Rose

    I like your body building diet! I just found a book the orgamic diet and had to blog about it and I have added it to my dear santa list – after all for scientific purposes only of course so I can give it a fair review.

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