Even though this happened two weeks ago, this is the first chance I’ve had to post about it. As the president and sole member of the Central Florida Spice Girls Fan Club, my weekly CFSGFC meeting was filled with good news as the weekly Google search for “spice girls” on our agenda turned up article after article about the multi-country reunion tour!
It seems like a lifetime since I was able to turn on the radio or television and flip to any random station, only to find “Wannabe” playing. I would dance in front of my television and attempt to do all of those cool flips just like Sporty Spice. I modeled my attitude after Scary Spice, my laugh after Baby Spice, my sultriness after Posh Spice. I used “zigazig ah” in every conversation. I masturbated when the naked pictures of Ginger Spice surfaced on the Internet. I saw “Spice World” twice in theaters (I laughed, I cried, I came loudly) and bought it on DVD when it came out. I named my testicles Hairy Spice and Wrinkly Spice. I dressed up as all five Spice Girls on Halloween. My wife (my girlfriend at the time) bought me a Spice Girls calendar for Christmas that I still have to this day. Just the sound of the simple drum beat of “Wannabe” was enough to get my head nodding, my ass gyrating, and my feet tapping. I used Posh Spice’s Parfum di Posh cologne (well, they called it perfume, but I knew it was meant for me), Sporty Spice’s Sporty Deodorant for Women (still, it was meant for my armpits), and pierced my tongue with the Scary Spice Pierce-o-rama Home Kit.
1998 dealt a devastating Spice blow as Ginger Spice, aka Geri Halliwell, abandoned her Spice family. I will never Spice forgive her. And then, in 2001, when this synergistic group that symbolized all that was right with the ’90s broke up, I was devastated. I sold my lime green tube top. I had to pay a lot of money to have the tattoo on my ass changed from “Posh Spice” to “Pez Source”. I had to go back to court to legally change my name back to “Avitable” after being “Gorilla Spice” for the better part of a year. My life, my hopes, my dreams – all ruined.
But now, in my darkest hour, a Spice light of holiness shines down on me. When I first heard the news, I was lifted from my body and gazed down at myself while I processed this life-changing news. They’re back! And, of course, they’ll be better than ever! Who could expect any less? I’m getting hard just thinking about it.
It’s a good day to be a self-proclaimed Spice Boy.