It's not always about being funny.

Zigazig ah

Spice Girls

Even though this happened two weeks ago, this is the first chance I’ve had to post about it. As the president and sole member of the Central Florida Spice Girls Fan Club, my weekly CFSGFC meeting was filled with good news as the weekly Google search for “spice girls” on our agenda turned up article after article about the multi-country reunion tour!

It seems like a lifetime since I was able to turn on the radio or television and flip to any random station, only to find “Wannabe” playing. I would dance in front of my television and attempt to do all of those cool flips just like Sporty Spice. I modeled my attitude after Scary Spice, my laugh after Baby Spice, my sultriness after Posh Spice. I used “zigazig ah” in every conversation. I masturbated when the naked pictures of Ginger Spice surfaced on the Internet. I saw “Spice World” twice in theaters (I laughed, I cried, I came loudly) and bought it on DVD when it came out. I named my testicles Hairy Spice and Wrinkly Spice. I dressed up as all five Spice Girls on Halloween. My wife (my girlfriend at the time) bought me a Spice Girls calendar for Christmas that I still have to this day. Just the sound of the simple drum beat of “Wannabe” was enough to get my head nodding, my ass gyrating, and my feet tapping. I used Posh Spice’s Parfum di Posh cologne (well, they called it perfume, but I knew it was meant for me), Sporty Spice’s Sporty Deodorant for Women (still, it was meant for my armpits), and pierced my tongue with the Scary Spice Pierce-o-rama Home Kit.

1998 dealt a devastating Spice blow as Ginger Spice, aka Geri Halliwell, abandoned her Spice family. I will never Spice forgive her. And then, in 2001, when this synergistic group that symbolized all that was right with the ’90s broke up, I was devastated. I sold my lime green tube top. I had to pay a lot of money to have the tattoo on my ass changed from “Posh Spice” to “Pez Source”. I had to go back to court to legally change my name back to “Avitable” after being “Gorilla Spice” for the better part of a year. My life, my hopes, my dreams – all ruined.

But now, in my darkest hour, a Spice light of holiness shines down on me. When I first heard the news, I was lifted from my body and gazed down at myself while I processed this life-changing news. They’re back! And, of course, they’ll be better than ever! Who could expect any less? I’m getting hard just thinking about it.

It’s a good day to be a self-proclaimed Spice Boy.

78 thoughts on “Zigazig ah”

  1. Wow.

    You are sooooo not right. I never realized before how NOT right you really are. I’m genuinely frightened.

    Now excuse me while I go pull my New Kids on the Block boxers from the dryer.

  2. Poppy, GASP! They’re the most relevant band from the 90s!

    Angel, clearly, she just aborted a Smurf.

    Amanda, thank you. No squee, though?

    Amy, just wait until the next Avril album.

    Erica, why would you want to get them back? That’s five minutes filled with joy and happiness!

    Wayne, that’s Avitaspice to you.

    Dave, nipples may have explained my initial interest in the amazing Spice Girls, actually.

    Phishez, I’m sure they live in you DVD player more than your bedside drawer.

    Talamasca, you gotta get with my friends.

    TrishK, I’ve been singing it for three days!

    RW, says the founding member of the Chicagoans for Spice Girls Fan Club.

  3. God this is just frightening now knowing that you are not, in any way, joking. Not even exaggerating really.

    And now I am going to be doing my naked happy dance all damn day to the tune of “you wanna, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna”.

  4. HG5, I plan on making it just that popular.

    Sassy Spice, I’ll call you and sing it to you if you want.

    BPR, oops. Sorry! I don’t think Posh can sing at all – she’s just there for the hawtness.

  5. What??!!?? I thought my deal with the devil included the demise of this abomination of a group. Damn! If you can’t trust the devil, who can you trust?

    What a sad, sad day. First Satan lets me down and now you. If these chicks get you hard, you’re not the suave, sophisticated, smart man I thought you were.

  6. I like having a good laugh first thing in the morning. I bet you’re pissed that you changed that tattoo now. Are you going to change it back since the Spice Girls are going to torture us, I mean entertain us, with a comeback?

  7. Poppy, Pearl Jam is awesome, but Eddie Vedder sucks balls.

    The Scoot, I think you’re thinking of the Lindbergh baby.

    Dragon, I’m smart. Never said I was suave and sophisticated. And I can’t help it if I loooove them!

    RW, it’s okay. I’ll know the truth.

    Mistress Yoda, frightening? This is glorious news!

    Devilish Girl, I like being a Pez Source now.

  8. Interestingly enough, probably the best show I have ever seen as far as choreography, stages, and fan interaction was The Spice Girls at MSG, and I’ve seen a lot of shows.

    I hope their new tour is just as energetic.

  9. I watched it and noticed the same thing with Posh. She doesn’t get solo parts. All of the others take turns.
    That’s funny.

    Posh went from being by far the hottest of the bunch to the weirdest and most monster like.
    That’s sad.

  10. Wow, Victoria Beckam when she was cute.

    “Comeback” tour? When did they ever “arrive” in the first place?
    It’s amazing what promoters will waste their money on when there are actual musicians out there waiting to be discovered.

  11. Poppy, I don’t have mine anymore, remember. They were taken from me.

    Lynda, I’m not tough, actually. Just an asshole.

    Mistress Yoda, I can tell that you’re bursting at the seams.

    NYCWD, I knew you’d be a girl after my own girly heart.

    Clown, yeah, she’s almost an uggo.

    Annie, gasp! They are real musicians!

  12. Kylah, I’d travel around the world to see them.

    TMP, worthless? It’s priceless!

    Poppy, ooh, good point.

    Dawn, is it stuck in your head now?

    Jordie, when have you ever known me to kid about anything?

    Bella, zigazig ah.

    Bethie, ooh, good one!

  13. i, for one, support you in your love for the Spice Girls. i will say however that the first person i saw in that photo was Geri and i thought OMG SHE HAS NOT AGED WELL. and then i saw the others and realized, OH YEAH, she was like 40 when she joined the group and then lied and said she was 14.

    she’s funny.

  14. Bossy, sounds sexy!

    Crystal, isn’t she 100 now?

    Lynda, you have seen my dance video, right?

    Crazy, I just lift my leg and special pez comes out.

    TMP, no way – it’s beyond imagining the value!

  15. The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

  16. BPR, I did not see that. Link me, please.

    KG, they should join forces. Sting can become Tantric Spice.

    Misstress, you cross-posted this to several different blogs that I read. That’s spam – please don’t do it again.

    Brandi, are you like, old or something? 😀

  17. Yep, I sure am. I’m in the big L.W. I can’t say my exact city on here because I don’t know what kind of pervs you got hangin’ around.

    I’m about 45 minutes from Disney.

  18. Lynda, I have the musical tastes of a 12-year old girl. But I’m still a big mean scary gorilla, k?

    Peggy, I tend to collect stalkers and breed them here.

    Brittona, not Longwood. That’s what I thought initially, too.

    Sarcastica, dork! So now you think they’re cool?

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