Before you get today's post, you get some more pimping. Don't forget to go visit my new site, Postcard Hell and buy some embarrassingly funny postcards to send to your mom, your dad, and your favorite uncle. It's only $4 for a 4-pack, or $5 for the assorted pack. You'll be my favorite people in the whole world!
Sometimes I wonder why I get so many people who seemingly enjoy reading this drivel I write. Is it the nudity? Humor? Dogs licking vaginas? Nope. I figured it out - it's the barber stories!
Tuesday, I went in for a shave and a haircut (say two bits and I'll punch you in the crotch). I decided to make some changes, because even though I have been getting haircuts every two weeks and shaves every week, I still feel shaggy.
"Shave it all off." I said.
"Really?" Cori, the owner, asked.
"Really."
"Reeeealllyyy?"
" . . . Yup. Let's do it."
"Okay," she said and whipped out the razor and moved it towards my head with lightning speed.
"Wait wait wait wait wait!" I flinched with the humming razor a millimeter from my beautiful locks.
"You said okay!"
"Can't a boy change his mind? Let's not shave it all bare. How about you use the #3?"
"Fiiine. Take all of the fun out of my work." Cori put on the #3 guide which would still allow me to keep some of my hair.
"Hey, while you're shaving my beard, can you give me two eyebrows, too?"
"Only if you let me wax it instead of shaving it. You've got hair from your hairline down to your eyebrows, and under your damn eyes. It needs a waxing, Sasquatch!"
"Will it hurt?"
"Only about as much as this." She reached over and yanked one of my eyebrow hairs right out of my head.
"OW!"
"Pussy."
"Fine, I'll let you wax my eyebrows. Sigh."
In the end, the waxing wasn't really painful at all. She had to wax above my eyebrows all the way to my hairline, to the sideburns, and underneath my eyes, and the worst part was the anticipation. I didn't flinch in the slightest and talked to her the whole time that she did it. All of you women who talk about how painful it is are a bunch of pussies. Next week I'm having her wax my asshole.
Go behind the curtain for pictures of me at the barber.
Before
Off with the hair.
Onto the beard.
Britt keeps texting me.
It usually takes her three or four times of shaving to get it smooth.
Trying to conduct business from the barbershop.
Wax on, wax off.
All done!
If you want to see the other 30 or so photos, go see the set on Flickr.
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Dude, we're on some sort of weird hair schedule. I shaved my head (#2) two weeks ago.
Comments by Mike
Very nice... waxing your eyebrows doesn't hurt, its waxing other parts that hurts (so, so badly)
Comments by Amanda234
Dude you went from looking like Kevin Smith to that mean older brother (Buzz?) in the Home Alone movies! However, I am much more likely to believe this story than the previous post.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Looks good!
and waxing the eyebrows - good choice - now you don't have a unibrow!
Comments by Fantastagirl
Oh yeah and that is NOT a barber shop! I go to a barber shop and it is run by old men with strange last names and they still have ash treys and (oddly enough) Weekly Readers between all the waiting chairs. They have pictures of local people we all claim to know but have never really met. And they only offer two types of hair cut prices: Senior Citizens and everybody else. They talk sports, politics and gardening. But only light vegetable gardening or flat out farming. You mention trying to grow a flower and they butcher your head and mock you as you leave in tears, every fuggin time!
You my friend, have a hair salon. There's nuttin wrong with it and no need to feel ashamed. In fact, I envy you. But the sad truth is a woman hasn't touched my hair since... well... back when I had hair.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
I am begging you not to post photos of your next waxing. Because you won't be content to just post them, you'll only be happy if you AMBUSH people with them! I'll be reading a post about bunnies or something, then BAM! Avitable's asshole getting waxed. I may never recover...
Comments by Dave2
So fuckable.
Ha, looks like you brought along the weirdest person I know.
Camera crazy!
Comments by Clown
Yeah, I like it.
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
I dare you to Brazilian wax, motherfucker. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
OMG! It's spreading all over the globe! I just did a similar thing... (NO, not to me!)
Comments by DutchBitch
There is NO comparison to having your eyebrows waxed to a woman having her vajayjay waxed. NONE. Go ahead and get your balls waxed, I dare you. THEN try to make the comparison! Hell, you won't even be able to type for a week because the searing pain will play over and over again in your head. You'll be traumatized.
Comments by teebopop
While you were on the phone conducting business, some sly little ninja nailed you in the head with a throwing star.
Comments by Jacki
So you felt inspired by Britney too?
Choosing a #3 was a wise move though... I don't think the pictures would have sold as well otherwise.
Comments by NYCWD
Eyebrow waxing is not a measure of pain.... plucking the fuckers out one at a time, now that hurts.
So does having the hair yanked from your genitals with a strip of fabric and adhesive wax...( I want pics of the bung waxing as proof.)
You should consider having your sack done too. :) Girls like a well groomed scrot... And I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TOO! Go thee to the barber shop, pulleth out thine testicles and have themwaxed clean!
Comments by MsFreud
Aren't you cute! Please no details of the next one. There really are some things that should be left to our collective imaginations!
Comments by Trish K
I totally want to get my eyebrows waxed, but I shave my own head. Where do I go just for eyebrows?
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Oh, and I don't think you can use the word "drivel" without paying me some kind of royalty.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
When do you go to get the tops of your feet done, Bilbo?
Comments by RW
Sorry, what was this post about? I was just laughing at RW calling you a Hobbit. Do you live in a house with a round door too?
Comments by ADW
Summertime.
Comments by Poppy
Mike, pretty soon we'll start having our periods on the same day.
Amanda, I have to think that the soft tissue right around your eyelids is almost as sensitive as your crotch.
Y2K Survivor, the previous one was also true. I rarely lie on here. And that is a barber shop - it's actually men only, and they do haircuts and full shaves. It might be a bit updated, but it's definitely not a salon.
Fantastagirl, but my unibrow kept my forehead warm during the winter!
Dave, why do you have to spoil all of my nefarious plans? You know me too well!
Clown, and the second and third weirdest, too.
Geeky, I'm still torn. I might like the hairy Cro Mag look better.
Tracy, and here I thought women supposedly had a higher pain threshhold.
DB, you waxed someone's eyebrows? Is that European slang for some type of dirty sex act?
Teebopop, I'd rather just make sweeping statements that all of you women are pussies.
Jacki, well, there was a ninja there . . .
NYCWD, Britney does inspire everything that I do.
MsFreud, you might be the only person on Earth who wants photos of an asshole waxing.
TrishK, maybe I'll draw pictures.
Mr. Fabulous, Carr's Barbers. They charge $7.50 and do a mini-facial, too. And the check's in the mail.
RW, they're more like bear paws than hobbit feet, thank you very much.
ADW, my hatred for all things LOTR is very strong. /shudder
Poppy, what about it?
Comments by Avitable
Actually women that live in the same house often have periods on the same or very close schedules. Just a bit of info for you.
Comments by Angel
My hubby got a shave once at the barber and they gave him horrible razor burn...he never went back. They charged $20.00 for it too.
Now, if he feels lazy, I shave his face and neck for him...lol
Comments by Angel
LMFAO @ RW's Hobbit comment!
I have to admit-My brain screamed 'two bits' before I could stop it!
Now you're a big ol' hunk o' man-meat!I'd do you!
Comments by metalmom
Angel, yeah, I know. That's why I said that. Women who work at the same office can get on the same cycle, too. Your husband's barber must not have been very good - I don't know if there's any way for me to get razor burn the way that they shave me here.
Metalmom, clearly you have low standards!
Comments by Avitable
Who's a pretty boy?
Comments by Mistress Yoda
1 - learn to use the fucking target=_blank tag for fuck's SAKE!
2 - I text you once, ONE time! (That was enough to make my mark on the barber shop)
3 - I was hoping for actual pictures of the forehead and cheek waxing
4 - This is still funny as shit and you are soooooo much cuter like this!!!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
I'm not sure what they did to him, I wasn't there. All I know is that I have found another barber shop that uses a straight edge that I want him to try, and he doesn't want to, because the razor burn from the last time still haunts him.
Comments by Angel
Other than your haircut, I can't really see a difference. Like the haircut though!
Comments by Dragon
RW cracks me up.
Comments by Tug
LOVE the haircut. not a huge fan of the eyebrow was job, though. nuttin wrong with a man looking like a man, ya know?
Comments by hellohahanarf
That's *way* too much hygiene for a bigfoot.
Comments by Wayne
Mistress Yoda, I am! I am!
Britturday Night, learn to middle-click and open in a new tab, for fuck's sake!
Angel, yeah, I'd stay away too if that happened.
Dragon, I have many errant hairs that are now gone. It's noticeably different in person.
Tug, he's a funny old man, isn't he?
Hello, what about a man looking like a Neanderthal?
Wayne, Bigfoot's gotta get laid, too.
Comments by Avitable
Very nice! And you don't have that clown thing going on anymore.
Nice shoes, btw.
Comments by Lynda
I'm betting that Cori can't wait until next week! Glad you were able to de-hair a little bit without it hurting a great deal.
Comments by Devilish Girl
Makes all the boys get their hair buzzed.
Comments by Poppy
Was my text message to you this morning not clear enough?
Comments by Poppy
i have no problem with neanderthal. none at all. unibrows don't bother me a bit. but i realize i am so not the norm.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Lynda, I showed my shoes last week. I wasn't lying about those!
Devilish, my forehead feels entirely too smooth now.
Poppy, I didn't get that until after I saw the post.
Hello, well, they don't bother my wife, but she likes me having two eyebrows, too.
Comments by Avitable
Right clicking is like blow jobs.
I know how. But I shouldn't have to.
Comments by Miss Britt
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! No blowjobs?!?!?! WTffffffffffffF?
Comments by Poppy
Last week, they weren't on your feet. It changes the whole perspective.
Comments by Lynda
Debbie Britts Dallas, I said middle-click. What's that, like a handjob?
Poppy, she didn't say no blowjobs. She just said she shouldn't have to. Everybody has personal tastes, and some people don't want other tastes in their mouths!
Lynda, yes, now I do look like a clown.
Comments by Avitable
Poppy, I think you missed it. Let me try this again....
Right clicking is like blow jobs.
I know how. But I shouldn't have to.
You may now LOL at the quick wit and comedic brilliance of my comment. Thank you.
Comments by Miss Britt
And you're speaking from personal experience?
Comments by Poppy
Britt, I got it the first time. I just didn't like what I saw when I imagined a world with no blowjob "obligations".
Comments by Poppy
Wow, you look very handsome!!!
Great job!
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
Britt,
LOL
HAHAHAHA
ROTFLMAO
Bwahahahahahah
Does that help?
Comments by Clown
HG5, handsome for a gorilla?
Clown, why don't you throw a Squee in there too?
Comments by Avitable
I don't even think drunk, "nice" clown would squee.
And remember, he lets his picture get taken.
No squees.
Ever.
Comments by Clown
Looks great! I think that's your best hair cut yet. It really flatters you. Keep it short!
Yeah, you're right- the worst part of waxing is the anticipation of it... but I have to say that waxing your eyebrows is nothing compared to waxing your nether regions... I've done both and down there is A LOT more sensitive...
Comments by Cat
Soooo hawt!!! You should have gone totally bald like Mike... that would have REALLY been hot!
Comments by Amy
Comments by Suz
Clown, I'll have to make it my goal to make you drink and squee.
Cat, I'll have to give it a try.
Amy, nah, I couldn't do totally bald.
Suz, I've always been high maintenance!
Comments by Avitable
I like it, its more business-esque. I also like the decor of the barber shop except for one picture they have lame ass star streamers up on the wall. Is it manditory for all hair dressers to have incredibuly cheap and holiday oriented decor what ruins what potential the shop could have?!
Comments by Brandi
If I could grow a beard I would want it to look exactly like yours.
Comments by Erica AP
so now, clearly, you are a metrosexual.
this is such a HOT shot of you, btw:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/avitable/841711239/in/set-72157600877644047/
RAWR.
Comments by Crys
Brandi, yeah, other than that, it's a great looking storefront.
Erica AP, thanks, I think.
Crystal, you just made me blush. Fuck.
Comments by Avitable
aw, but it's it's the truth.
Comments by Crys
Damn fine work she did! I think you made a good choice in not going all the way. Not many situations where that phrase will apply.
Comments by Mrs. Brain Bombs
Unfortunately, the eye-area skin is way more sensitive.
Also, did your wife take all those pictures, or did you have a photographer?
And I agree with Crys, that is a particularly flattering shot
Comments by Amanda234
Crystal, hah!
Mrs. BB, good point. Usually I make the wrong choice!
Amanda, I had an employee with me who decided to be a photographer. So you're admitting that the eye area is more sensitive than the crotch?
Comments by Avitable
I'm with Tracy Lynn.
Get back to us when you wax your asshole. We're anxious to hear all about it.
Comments by J.
Comments by Fogspinner
haha whoops. I meant the crotch area is way more sensitive... all I know is the eyebrow pain goes aways in a few seconds, the bikini pain lasts for a LONG time
Comments by Amanda234
J, want pictures and video?
Fogspinner, thanks.
Amanda, damn. I knew that was too easy!
Comments by Avitable
I've never waxed anything luckily. I tweeze my brows and shave my ladyparts. I don't get bumps either cause I have it down to a science!
That's the mark of REAL a high maintenance bitch.
Anyway...let us know how that asshole waxing goes.
Comments by Mistress
I'll take a video and send it to you.
Comments by Avitable
'Take a video and send it to you'??
WTF?
Pretty sure you MUST post that here.
And just so you know ... I left this page open, and my 12 yr old daughter walked by and said "EWWWWWW ... WHAT'S WITH THE EMOTICONS MOMMY???"
So yeah, thanks for that. She's even more scarred than she was before.
(and she knows the word 'emoticon'? WTF?)
Comments by J.
[...] On Tuesday, I had my eyebrows waxed. I remarked that the skin around the eyes is very sensitive, and has to be almost as sensitive as the crotch area. My conclusion was that women who complain about the pain of waxing are a bunch of pussies. Several of you pussies then commented that I should get my balls waxed first, and then see if I still think it's relatively painless. [...]
Comments by Avitable » Gonna dip my balls in it
You still look really hairy! Hairy Potter!
Comments by Sarcastica
J, I usually only try to scar girls between the age of 14-16.
Sarcastica, oh, I am still quite hairy. I am part gorilla, remember?
Comments by Avitable
want to know what hurts? getting your vag. waxed. that's motrin pain! get back to me if you really are going to get your asshole waxed.
Comments by dog collar addict
Yeah, that's what everyone says, but I think you're all a bunch of pussies.
Comments by Avitable
Well, aren't YOU pretty!?!?!!?!?!?!
Comments by Vulgar Wizard
Boys can't be pretty!!
Comments by Avitable