I had an interesting conversation with a foreign client today. We deal with clients from Pakistan to Iraq to China to Nigeria, so it's not uncommon to hear a very thick accent on the other end of the line. And while comprehension can be difficult, usually the message gets across with little trouble. Today was an exception. Here is a transcript of a recent conversation I had. I have removed the name of my company and the names of the products and services I provide and substituted more innocuous words for them.
Me: "VaginaCo, this is Adam."
Him: "Yes, hello Mr. Adam. I am Ramu Parikh."
Me: "Hi, Mr. Parikh."
Him: "Hi."
Me: "Um, hi."
Him: "Hi."
Me: "Mr. Parikh, how can I help you?"
Him: "Hello?"
Me: "Are you there?"
Him: "Hello?"
Me: "Mr. Parikh?"
Him: "Hi."
Me: "Hi, can I help you with something? Are you looking for a Vagina?"
Him: "Yes. Can you provide me with a new Vagina?"
Me: "Yes, we can. We help many people find new Vaginas, and our fees are very reasonable."
Him: "Okay, what to do next??"
Me: "Well, I will do a search for you, explain how we work, and if you're interested, I can take payment and get you started immediately, okay?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Before we get started, Mr. Parikh, did you have a chance to read our website and learn how we work, how much we charge and what we do?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Did you read the brochure we sent you with the letter?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Did you read the email we sent you that explained our services and pricing?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Okay, let me explain how we work."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "We can help you find a perfect Vagina."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Rather than relying on Women to give you a Vagina, we will contact every Woman in the area you want until we find the ones who have Vaginas they're trying to fill."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "The Women don't even know that we're involved. If a Woman has a Vagina, she will contact you directly. That's the nice thing about our service. You can find the best Vaginas out there that will never otherwise be found."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Any questions so far?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Okay, so, obviously, our service is not free. We charge a fee for helping you find these hidden Vaginas. The cost usually varies from $2,000 - $4,000, but we guarantee that you will get the Vagina you want, or we'll throw in a free Boobs!"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Yes, what?"
Him: "Yes, I would like a Vagina."
Me: "Okay, well, where do you live?"
Him: "New York City."
Me: "And are you looking for a Vagina in New York City?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Okay, for your Vagina search, we would reach 1600 different Women, which would result in up to 60-70 Vaginas for you to examine. The cost for our services would be $4800."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Yes, you would like to use our services to find a Vagina?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Okay, well, we can get started by taking payment. Do you have your credit card with you?"
Him: "There is a fee for your service?" Click.
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Awesome.
P.S. I have a vagina and I want in on this little business of yours.
Call me.
Comments by Mistress
Only 60-70 vaginas in the New York City area???
I may have to seriously start considering going gay.
There's no shortage of assholes up here, that's for sure.
Comments by NYCWD
Wow, you're one hell of a pimp.
Comments by Sheila
What about penis searches?
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
I don't need a new vagina, but I could use a few more penis' around the house!
oh wait. nope don't need those Either.
do ou have any maids?
Comments by bluepaintred
Right.
I sometimes don't understand you at all, dude. This is one of those times.
On an entirely random note, four of my closest friends and I hung out in a hot tub last night. We all really need to exfoliate more often. By the end of the night, there was this sheen of shed dermis about the surface of the water.
Thank god for the skimmer...
Comments by The Scoot
I love stupid people. They make me look so much smarter and provide some amazing blogfodder.
Repeat with me: I love my job, I love my job, I love my job...
Comments by Phishez
And you didn't run from the house (naked) screaming down the street? I'd have lost my damn mind. But then, I really have no patience.
Comments by Amy
I don't know if I could bring myself to pay for a vagina.
Watchdog's comment made me choke on my waffle.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Well I for one don't see what's so odd about it. Whoever heard of charging a FEE for finding vaginas in NYC?
Comments by RW
Just to be clear, in order to disguise the name of my business and product that we sell, I merely switched out the words "Vagina" and "Women" for the actual words, right?
Mistress, we're always on the search for new vaginas.
NYCWD, hahahahaha! Very nice.
Sheila, damn straight.
Geeky, we focus purely on Vaginas.
BPR, isn't vagina synonymous with maid?
Scoot, what don't you understand - this is a conversation I had with a client. I changed the name of the product and service we sell to keep it confidential. And that's totally, absolutely, horrifying about the skin floating on the top of the hot tub.
Phishez, if I could have reached through the phone and strangled him, I would have.
Amy, after he hung up on me, I had a nice profanity-laden tirade that I shared with the dead line.
Mr. Fabulous, would you rent one?
RW, funny man!
Comments by Avitable
Holy shite.. OK, so I work in the technogeeky industry and in my previous position (Reverse Cowgirl) I had to deal with tech support from "those" places. Honestly, I couldn't help but laugh because you could have inserted falafal irons into the conversation with that guy and his reactions would have been the same.
Meh, I can picture you trying to figure out how to strangle him from where you were...
Comments by ADW
I would like to receive one of your brochures detailing all the fine Vagina options you have to offer (preferably one with pictures)
Comments by y not i
I'd like a side-order of breasts with my vagina order... does your company provide extras like this as well?
Comments by Dave2
I'd like to recommend The Wonder Twins for your business but they are very high end.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Someone says "I want to buy what you have" and you ask "are you sure you understand"?!?!!?
What the FUCK Dude!?!
Someone says "I want to buy a vagina"
You say "Will that be Visa or MasterCard"
Especially when they are as easily confused as this guy. Jeez Avi, sometimes I swear it's like you hate money.
Comments by Miss Britt
ADW, so you know what I'm dealing with. The usage of "Yes" usually means that he's not paying attention at all.
Y not I, we're all out of vagina catalogues. I've got some asshole ones, though. You can pretend.
Dave, sorry, you're a vegetarian. No breasts for you!
Mistress Yoda, we are a high end establishment, madame.
Always Britt Closing, not when they say "I want a Vagina for free, can you give me one?"
Comments by Avitable
NYCWD: Your comment is priceless.
AVI: It's amazing to think this guy had a Vagina at some point. I'm pretty sure he'll never get a new Vagina with his current skillset. What Woman would want him?
I could go on...
Comments by Mike
You have a point there. Never give away the vagina.
Comments by Miss Britt
see, and now you've gone and made me want to hit you...
Comments by bluepaintred
Wait - you have a Real job?
Comments by BOSSY
Well hell, they do say yes every five seconds. I wonder if that is in the "How to Speak Really Bad, Heavily Accented English for Dummies and/or Foreigners"
What would be fun is to see how many things they would say Yes to:
"Have you ever had a penis in every orifice at once?"
"Yes"
"Do you prefer the Rusty Trombone or the Dirty Sanchez?"
"Yes"
(I guess that one wouldn't really work)
"Do you enjoy being a complete peckerhead with delusions of grandeur while those around you mentally drive spikes through your brain?"
"Yes"
See, I think it could work. Do that next time and let us know how it works out. (Once you qualify that this person is not going to be purchasing anything from you - of course)
Comments by ADW
This post kind of makes me wonder what the real product is. ROFL!
Comments by Lynda
Michael, I bet his last Woman got so sick of his shit that she took away the Vagina, and he's been relying on anything with a hole just to get by.
CapitaBrittst, yup. You taught me that.
BPR, heehee.
Bossy, not only do I have a real job, but I have real employees and everything!
ADW, I'll give that a try - good plan!
Lynda, it's actually penises.
Comments by Avitable
So if I buy a vagina & have TWO, will that up my chances of finding a penis of my very own?
Well, not of my very OWN. I personally don't want one attached. You know what I mean.
I think.
Comments by Tug
HAHAHAHA
Oh man thats funny.
Cough.
Comments by Sarcastica
Mail Order Brides??
Our satellite service outsources it's Customer Service, so when I call I get, "Hello, my name is Bhagyalakshmi, but you can call me Debbie". So I always tell them my name is Victoria Maria de Jose Salenas de la Rosa Luna, but you can call me Vicki. Makes me feel like I won. I'm lame, I know.
Comments by Princess Victoria
I wish businesses would throw in a free Boobs more often.
Comments by themuttprincess
interesting.
the idea of pain makes you giggle like a girl...
Comments by bluepaintred
Good! The last place took all my money and made me perform unspeakable acts.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Vagina is never free. There's ALWAYS a catch when it comes to vagina.
silly foreigners. ;)
Comments by Webmiztris
Well, I got a few of those around the house.
Comments by Lynda
Bwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Thanks! Now I peed my DutchBitch panties...
Comments by DutchBitch
I want a new vagina for free. The last one doesn't fit right.
Comments by Poppy
When my vagina starts to go, I'm not going to buy a new one. I'm planning on a remodel. I'm still torn between the labiaplasty or the vagiplasty.
Comments by Mist 1
Same old story...men never what to pay someone to find them vaginas.
Comments by Dragon
DutchBitch never got the memo on leaking during blog reading Adam. Didn't you xerox that damn thing??
Comments by RW
Tug, better to have two vaginas in the hand than a penis in the bush. Or something like that.
Sarcastica, my pain is here for your amusement.
Princess V, very nice - I think you do win that one!
TMP, I know! A little corporate courtesy goes a long way.
BPR, only when thinking about it being inflicted by a nice little Canadian girl like you!
Mistress Yoda, yeah, but you loved it.
Dawn, exactly! Americans put a high price on Vagina.
Lynda, they're hot right now on the open market.
DB, the Vaginas I sell don't leak.
Poppy, it doesn't? Well, we do have all sizes.
Mist, you should look into the analswitchoplasty, where they just switch your asshole with your vagina. Don't worry, they clean it up first.
Dragon, I know. You gotta spend money to make Vagina, right?
RW, shhh - I might have a sale here! She sounds like she's in the market for a new Vagina!
Comments by Avitable
hee hee...good one! Don't know how true it is, but it was good.
Comments by Tug
Actually, I think I bought it from your competitor, but I still want you to give me a free one.
(Where are the vagina smilies?! Guess this disgusting one will hafta do...)
Comments by Poppy
i feel your pain! i used to do importing of leather goods for dogs & horses & dealt with overseas companies all the time. i probably had that exact conversation 100 times, but without the vaginas, ofcourse.
Comments by dog collar addict
Tug, yup. I'm a fucking comedy genius.
Poppy, that's a disgusting one?
DCA, it's uncanny how the conversations are all alike, isn't it?
Comments by Avitable
I LOVE THE WORD-REPLACEMENT.
From now on, when I get calls from solicitors (I'm a temp in a sales department - no, we don't solicit...or I don't, anyway), I will be imagining them talking about trying to sell me a vagina. And they'll hopefully hang up because they're tired of hearing me laugh.
Comments by Squeaky Wheel
I hate it when Hay makes that face and makes that NOICE "mlalalalal" ewwwwwww. If you like my vagina you don't make the gross sounds.
Oh, and
I'm drunk.
Comments by Poppy
so let me get this straight, you sell a service that hunts down something in the area that the buyer lives in, that they pay you to get them into contact with sellers, in THEIR area?!
Comments by Brandi
He's a total fucking genius, isn't he? People pay him for that!
Avi, you rock.
Shut up about me being drunk.
Comments by Poppy
Comments by Poppy
Yes, but can you exchange said vagina? That's what I want to know. I would like to upgrade mine. Can you hook a girl up?
Comments by Mrs. Brain Bombs
Squeaky Wheel, thanks. I think you should try that. "Sir, can I help you fit into a nice new Vagina?" Heh.
Poppy, wow, you are soooo drunk.
Brandi, pretty much, yes.
Mrs. BB, no refunds, no exchanges. You're stuck with your order.
Comments by Avitable
I'm in shock. Part of me says, teach me i am your grasshopper, but part of me asked the (much smarter economical part) don't you have morals? I'm still not sure either way. But good job at finding a way to make money from people who aren't smart enough to do their own digging!
Comments by Brandi
Well, I don't have morals. But even if I did, I wouldn't feel bad about this. We actually help these clients find something that they wouldn't otherwise be able to find because we have access to information they don't.
Comments by Avitable
Yeah...I did...
Comments by Mistress Yoda
ha ha ha
Comments by Bethie
Yah, I'm not drunk anymore, but I'm hoping to be drunk again real soon.
Comments by Poppy
Mistress Yoda, that was a given. :)
Bethie, oh you think my pain is funny?
Poppy, why weren't you drunk on the day of your birthday?
Comments by Avitable
DUDE, PAY ATTENTION! I was drunk all fucking morning, left over from the night before! :)
Comments by Poppy