Who would have thought that eating nothing all day, drinking about 10-12 sodas, and then eating a large pepperoni pizza right before bed would give me such horrible heartburn that I'd be hugging the toilet and dry heaving into it?
Shouldn't there be a warning on said pizza box that if you open it and steam comes pouring out, maybe you shouldn't take a piece and bite right into it, scalding the roof of your mouth and your tongue with pizza sauce that is the temperature of hell itself?
Why didn't anyone tell me that when my eye is bothering me I shouldn't mess with it while I walk through the kitchen, lest I trip and almost pierce my eyeball with my fingernail like a rotten grape?
It would also have been nice for someone to tell me not to mess with my eyes after using my fingers to pick jalapenos out of a salad because it's going to burn like hell.
And how could I be expected to know that when I accidentally dropped the entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, trying to flush the whole thing down the drain was only going to result in a massive overflow?
Was there any reason to suspect that those Catholic school girls were going to have their cell phones ready and dial 911 to complain about the flasher so quickly?
If I had realized that those signs saying "Don't feed the alligators" weren't a joke, I might still have my left arm.
And I'll bet that you didn't know that when you take a cock ring off, you shouldn't take it off the shaft first and then let it snap onto your balls, because it will slowly constrict your testicles to death.
Why is it that I always have to learn these lessons?
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It does hurt to poke yourself in the eye after handling jalepenos... it hurts worse to get an OB/GYN exam after the doctor has been handling jalepenos.
Comments by ADW
This is what happens when you won't listen to anybody. I remember specifically saying "don't mess with alligators after sticking a jalapeno in your eye, you'll never see the Catholic girls hitting the redial button" but did you listen? No. And why not? Because you just think you know EVERYTHING is all.
Oh well, it's a tough old world out there. Too bad for you Mr Smartypants...
Comments by RW
Why?
Because you don't listen to your wives.
Comments by Miss Britt
I'm not married to Avitable....
Comments by RW
You know, I was thinking of eating jalepenos tonight and rubbing my eyes but now...I don't think I will. Thanks Avitable!!
Comments by Mistress Yoda
@RW - you're not?
You know that makes what you two are doing a sin, right?
Comments by Miss Britt
Pizza boxes DO come with warnings! They're printed on the bottom of the box where they they get covered by the grease.
Comments by metalmom
I learned that you mess with your eyes a lot.
Comments by Angel
OOH!! I see lawsuit potential! There SHOULD be warnings on the pizza box...and on the toilet paper rolls...and on the Catholic school girls...
Comments by y not i
ADW, I'll stay away from my Ob/Gyn on Mexican night, then.
RW, clearly I have something to prove.
Taming of the Britt, I know. It's my biggest flaw.
Mistress Yoda, I'm just glad that I can help you avoid the pain.
Metalmom, the pizzas I get are so greasy, it eats through the box, the table, and the floor!
Angel, that I do. Especially when they're bothering me.
Y not I, there should definitely be warnings on Catholic school girls. On their inner thighs. And I can be the Warning Inspector.
Comments by Avitable
I think heartburn is a result of getting older.... (I never had it until last year. Ever. No matter what I ate....)
Alligators are not friendly–regardless of what Animal Planet wants us to believe. Also, watching a half hour show about alligators does not make you a Professional. Why don't they tell us that????
Comments by themuttprincess
you type surprisingly well for only having one arm, but then again, you're probably used to typing with one hand when you're surfing Avril Lavigne's website. ;)
Comments by Webmiztris
When I first started wearing contacts, we went to Chuy's (staple mexican food restaurant here in Austin) and someone squeezed their jalapeno over their meal and a drop squirted out across the table and into my eye. Yeah, it hurt. And yeah, I had to throw that contact away (this was in the days before disposables).
Comments by Wayne
i was waiting for you to get to the balls!
i knew it!
Comments by Crys
Well, aside from the man bush. That's pretty big too.
Comments by Miss Britt
BTW - I think Taming of the Britt is a repeat.
Slacker.
Comments by Miss Britt
Why? K-A-R-M-A.
Comments by Amy
Where's the smiley for "duck and cover"?
Comments by Miss Britt
It also hurts when you start foreplay with your sweetie after cutting up HABANEROS!
The(female)manager of the pizza place I worked at in high-school learned that it is not pleasureable to visit the restroom after refilling the shaker jars of red pepper flakes.
Comments by tana
I'm leaving you a comment. See? Here's a comment. Best I can do today.
Comments by Poppy
It seems to me like YOU should be the one to come with a warning lable.
Comments by Crazy Lady
TMP, alligators are my friend!
Dawn, yeah, I'm very adept at typing with one hand.
Wayne, dear God that sounds horrible!
Crystal, well, I do it for you there, sweetheart.
Britt's all Fun and Games until Someone Loses an Eye, is it a repeat? Damn!
Amy, if karma's real, you're fucked.
Tana, I have learned that Vicks Vapo Rub on the penis is not a fun sensation.
Poppy, well, then I'm leaving a reply. That's all I can do! :)
Crazy Lady, I hand out warning labels when I meet people.
Comments by Avitable
Fair enough.
Comments by Poppy
Clearly, you need a handler.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
You're kind of klutz aren't you?
Comments by Trish K
Poppy,
Fab, a manhandler!
TrishK, only when I'm alone. In public, I'm the very essence of grace.
Comments by Avitable
You learn these lessons the hard way, recount them and we learn the easy way.
A public service.
Shaking a bottle of Frank's Hot Sauce while lid isn't on tight and getting it in your eye is no fun, I can attest to that one.
See if you had found that out I might have been spared the pain.
Comments by Michael
Okay, so I'm late commenting, but I had to know if you learned all this in ONE day or over a period of time?
Comments by Sheila
damned gravatars. damned multi email addresses.
and damned yellow tube tops and glossy photos.
(I don't know.)
Comments by Sheila
The life long saying appears to be true. Misery truly DOES love company. I shall insist the doc wash his hands repeatedly before my next prostate exam.
BD
Comments by briliantdonkey
And highly suggest he wash them afterwards as well now that I think of it.
BD
Comments by briliantdonkey
At least I can learn from your mistakes.
And it is best not to touch jalepenos and other regions as well. Don't ask how I know this.
Comments by Lynda
Michael, someone should just put me in a room with a bunch of dangerous objects, and at the end I can provide them with instructions on what not to do.
Sheila, over a period of time - one day would have been a bit too much!
BD, your second comment took the words right out of my mouth!
Lynda, did you masturbate with a jalapeno?
Comments by Avitable
ROFLMAO! haha!
Do you really want to know? Well, you got the area right, anyway.
Comments by Lynda
Ha ha! Just don't win any Darwin awards on us, PLEASE!
Comments by cat