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My Lessons

Who would have thought that eating nothing all day, drinking about 10-12 sodas, and then eating a large pepperoni pizza right before bed would give me such horrible heartburn that I’d be hugging the toilet and dry heaving into it?

Shouldn’t there be a warning on said pizza box that if you open it and steam comes pouring out, maybe you shouldn’t take a piece and bite right into it, scalding the roof of your mouth and your tongue with pizza sauce that is the temperature of hell itself?

Why didn’t anyone tell me that when my eye is bothering me I shouldn’t mess with it while I walk through the kitchen, lest I trip and almost pierce my eyeball with my fingernail like a rotten grape?

It would also have been nice for someone to tell me not to mess with my eyes after using my fingers to pick jalapenos out of a salad because it’s going to burn like hell.

And how could I be expected to know that when I accidentally dropped the entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, trying to flush the whole thing down the drain was only going to result in a massive overflow?

Was there any reason to suspect that those Catholic school girls were going to have their cell phones ready and dial 911 to complain about the flasher so quickly?

If I had realized that those signs saying “Don’t feed the alligators” weren’t a joke, I might still have my left arm.

And I’ll bet that you didn’t know that when you take a cock ring off, you shouldn’t take it off the shaft first and then let it snap onto your balls, because it will slowly constrict your testicles to death.

Why is it that I always have to learn these lessons?

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35 Replies to “My Lessons”

  1. RW

    This is what happens when you won’t listen to anybody. I remember specifically saying “don’t mess with alligators after sticking a jalapeno in your eye, you’ll never see the Catholic girls hitting the redial button” but did you listen? No. And why not? Because you just think you know EVERYTHING is all.

    Oh well, it’s a tough old world out there. Too bad for you Mr Smartypants…

  2. Avitable

    ADW, I’ll stay away from my Ob/Gyn on Mexican night, then.

    RW, clearly I have something to prove.

    Taming of the Britt, I know. It’s my biggest flaw.

    Mistress Yoda, I’m just glad that I can help you avoid the pain.

    Metalmom, the pizzas I get are so greasy, it eats through the box, the table, and the floor!

    Angel, that I do. Especially when they’re bothering me.

    Y not I, there should definitely be warnings on Catholic school girls. On their inner thighs. And I can be the Warning Inspector.

  3. themuttprincess

    I think heartburn is a result of getting older…. (I never had it until last year. Ever. No matter what I ate….)

    Alligators are not friendly–regardless of what Animal Planet wants us to believe. Also, watching a half hour show about alligators does not make you a Professional. Why don’t they tell us that????

  4. Wayne

    When I first started wearing contacts, we went to Chuy’s (staple mexican food restaurant here in Austin) and someone squeezed their jalapeno over their meal and a drop squirted out across the table and into my eye. Yeah, it hurt. And yeah, I had to throw that contact away (this was in the days before disposables).

  5. tana

    It also hurts when you start foreplay with your sweetie after cutting up HABANEROS!

    The(female)manager of the pizza place I worked at in high-school learned that it is not pleasureable to visit the restroom after refilling the shaker jars of red pepper flakes.

  6. Avitable

    TMP, alligators are my friend!

    Dawn, yeah, I’m very adept at typing with one hand.

    Wayne, dear God that sounds horrible!

    Crystal, well, I do it for you there, sweetheart.

    Britt’s all Fun and Games until Someone Loses an Eye, is it a repeat? Damn!

    Amy, if karma’s real, you’re fucked.

    Tana, I have learned that Vicks Vapo Rub on the penis is not a fun sensation.

    Poppy, well, then I’m leaving a reply. That’s all I can do! 🙂

    Crazy Lady, I hand out warning labels when I meet people.

  7. Michael

    You learn these lessons the hard way, recount them and we learn the easy way.

    A public service.

    Shaking a bottle of Frank’s Hot Sauce while lid isn’t on tight and getting it in your eye is no fun, I can attest to that one.

    See if you had found that out I might have been spared the pain.

  8. Avitable

    Michael, someone should just put me in a room with a bunch of dangerous objects, and at the end I can provide them with instructions on what not to do.

    Sheila, over a period of time – one day would have been a bit too much!

    BD, your second comment took the words right out of my mouth!

    Lynda, did you masturbate with a jalapeno?

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