Yesterday, Sheila's post of pictures of her messy desk inspired me to blatantly steal pay homage to her idea.
My desk is actually a U shape that surrounds me on three sides, so I've uploaded photos of all sides of this explosion of paper, gum, toys, rubber vaginas, and other detritus. The photos are 1600X1200, so after you click on them, you can zoom in to see the extent of this horrifying mess.
How bad's your desk?
posted by 
Friday, August 31, 2007 @ 12:00 am 
comments (58)
filed under Photos 
tagged avitable, mess, my desk, photos, slob
I had this clever post all ready to go. My eyes were bothering me, so I thought I would just close my eyes and type out a rambling post completely blindly. The plan was that it would be funny because I would make stupid misspellings and errors, and then trying not to go back and correct them would drive me crazy!
Yeah, that didn't work. Apparently, I type better with my eyes closed. I didn't make a single mistake, and I was using quotes and parentheses and numbers, too.
Fuck.
Well . . .
Um . . .
Just go buy some Postcards.
And go check out the latest in hilarity in the form of IM conversations over at These Walls!
posted by Thursday, August 30, 2007 @ 12:01 am comments (39)
filed under Rants tagged avitable, postcardhell, postcards, these walls have ears, thesewallshaveears
Thanks to everyone who submitted their entries for my Mad Lib contest! An unintended result of this contest was that it became a bizarre experiment in groupthink. The 26 responses I got were highly varied, but, more interestingly, they had some surprising similarities. I thought I'd break that down for you first, before getting to the winning entry.
Anyways, on to the good stuff! Read more...
posted by Wednesday, August 29, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (45)
filed under Bloggers tagged avitable, britt, funny, humor, jester, jestertunes, mad libs, miss britt, red right hand, redrighthand
If we eat dinner beyond a bowl of cereal or cheese and crackers, we will go out to a local restaurant. And while we have much in common, our differences are the clearest when we go out to eat:
My wife is a vegetarian.
I am a vegiphobe.
"I'll have the chicken caesar salad, with no chicken. There's no other meat on there, right?" asks my wife.
"I'll have a bacon cheeseburger, no vegetables. That's right, no pickle, no onion, no lettuce, no tomato." I say forcefully.
She'll have a glass or two of wine, or maybe a margarita. Or a beer, if it's that type of restaurant.
I'll have fourteen Diet Cokes that I drink so quickly the waiter will usually just bring a pitcher or bring them two or three at a time.
She takes small, measured bites and uses her fork and knife.
I use my hands and take bites that would choke a horse.
She's well-dressed and very fashionable. She flies out to Los Angeles once a year to do her shopping for the seasons and buys only designer clothing. She has trendy glasses that cost $1500. She looks like a professional.
I'm wearing a black buttoned shirt and black shorts, except the blacks are different shades. I have black sneakers on with red shoelaces. I have a week's growth of beard. I definitely don't look like a lawyer, much less a CEO.
She's supermodel thin and almost six feet tall.
I'm six feet tall but an 800-pound gorilla. My knuckles almost drag on the ground.
She is demure and polite, and while she has no problem using bad language (and is, in fact, quite adept at it), she is also discreet.
I sometimes belch, and if I spill something on my arm, I'll lick it off. I also like to throw around profanity just to frighten the small children seated around me.
Even with all of these clearly disparate elements, it amazes me when the waiter invariably hands me the check. Are they so blind that they don't see that a professional woman is taking pity on a homeless man by taking him out for a warm meal before he dies in the street? Or is sexism so firmly entrenched that they still can't help asking the man to pay for dinner, even if he looks crazier than the Republican National Convention?
posted by Tuesday, August 28, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (57)
filed under Love and marriage tagged avitable, food, hobo, my wife
For once in my life, I'm going to let someone else tell the funny story.
Email me at my first name at my last name dot com with your answers to the following choices. The one that ends up being the funniest with the story I've written will get their Mad Lib posted and if possible, I'll even draw it, too.
1. Noun
2. Adjective
3. Verb (past tense)
4. Noun (gerund - ending in -ing)
5. Adjective
6. Color
7. Noun
8. Sexual position
9. Place
10. Song title
11. Part of the body
12. Verb
13. Cute name for someone or something
14. Adverb
15. Verb
16. Onomatopoeia sound for grunting or moaning
17. Animal
18. Type of liquid
19. Type of taste (i.e., salty, sweet, bitter, etc.)
20. Fruit or vegetable
21. Orifice
22. Movie title.
Good luck!
posted by Monday, August 27, 2007 @ 12:03 am comments (22)
filed under General tagged avitable, mad libs
1. Talk to a jerk today?
Nope. Just this guy named Navin R. Johnson.
2. Do you like anyone?
Well, Billy's dreamy, don't you think?
4. Can you do a cartwheel?
I just tried. Broke three chairs, a window, and four ribs. And apparently, I broke #3.
6. Have any dreams?
I dreamt there was a 5.
7. Do you regret something you did yesterday?
I was walking down the street and a little old lady stopped me and asked me for help crossing the street. I picked her up and hurled her into the middle of the intersection where she unfortunately got hit by a truck. I wish that I had another chance. I would have taken her wallet first.
8. Are you allergic to anything?
When I get ejaculate in my eye, I start sneezing.
9. Have you ever been tubing?
Is that where you stick a tube in your butt and fill it with warm soapy water and try to hold it in for a while? If so, yes.
10. What's your favorite season?
I'm in Florida. We don't have seasons here.
11. Do you own a guitar?
Replace "own" with "understand" and "a guitar" with "ancient Sumerian", and the answer is no.
12. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
I have not. Although I like to stick my head out of my window and yell "Wee-oo Wee-oo" and weave through traffic.
13. Favorite Sport to watch?
Women's Billiards. (You think I'm joking, too).
14. Do you have a piggy bank shaped like a pig?
I do. It was given to my parents before I was born as a gift for me, and I still have it. It's made of some type of tarnished coppery metal and it has my name engraved on the bottom. I will treasure it forever, or as long as it takes for me to figure out if it's worth something as an antique and sell it.
15. Favorite sport to play?
Truth or Dare. Especially when I find a group of high school girls, buy them alcohol, and get them playing.
16. Have you been in love?
To blave?
17. Do you shower facing the shower head or with your back?
I usually detach the shower head and point it towards my crotch.
18. Do you like monopoly?
Like, the game Monopoly? But it's lowercase, so I'm assuming you mean a persistent market situation where there is only one provider of a kind of product or service. I love monopoly!
19. What are you wearing?
A coat made from the pelts of fourteen cats. And a cock ring.
20. What is the closest object to your left?
The closest object to my left hand? The inside of my left thigh.
21. Do you like school?
I like school girls, does that count?
22. How many windows are open on your computer?
One browser with fourteen tabs. All porn. Six other windows. All porn, as well.
23. Where is your computer?
Why? Do you want to steal my porn or something?
24. What kind of cell phone do you have?
Why? Do you want to steal my porn texts or something?
25. What are the colors of your walls?
A relaxing blue.
29. Do you own an MP3 player?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO 26, 27, AND 28? OMG SHOULD WE SEND OUT A SEARCH PARTY?
30. How many songs are on it?
Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive numbers have been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitives' names are 26, 27, and 28. Go get them.
31. Have you been outside your house yet today?
I haven't left my house in 348 days.
32. What is the last movie you saw in theaters?
I caught the 2 AM showing of Booty Pirates of the Crotchribbean. It's a great adult film starring Orlando Bloomer and Johnny Deep, with Keira Nutley.
33. Did you like it?
I came, I saw, I came.
34. What are you doing today?
I'm still on the hunt for our missing numbers. I have hope that we'll find them alive.
35. What are you doing tomorrow?
I am meeting with some top officials of the 2007 Avitable Halloween Party Planning Committee to start getting ready for the biggest party of the year.
36. Are your parents still together?
You mean glued together? From the Gluelube! I gave them for their anniversary? Probably.
ARE YOU:
A Daydreamer: Ooh . . . sunbeams!
Sarcastic: Me? Noooo. Why would you think that? You're smart, aren't you? Your mom must be real proud.
Shy: /looks away
Talkative: Well I wouldn't say I'm talkative but if there's a subject that I like to discuss and I have an important opinion on I will talk about it for hours until the listener's ears bleed.
LAST PERSON THAT:
Slept in your bed: Our pool boy, Pablo, was showing my wife something that he needed to go into the bedroom for. And shut the door. When I went in a few minutes later, my wife said he was just taking a quick nap.
Went to a playground with you: Just me and my trusty handpuppet Elmo. Perfect way to pick up kids girls.
You talked on the phone with: Mistress Monique, from 1-888-TSGIRLS. I asked what "TS" stood for, but she just laughed with that husky voice that's so hawt. And it's only 6.99 per minute!
Text Messaged you: I'm sorry, but text messaging is for losers and children.
posted by Sunday, August 26, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (27)
filed under Memes and more tagged avitable, lazy blogging, lists, meme, memes, myspace
This was a good week. Britt started working and did really well. She trained on Monday and Tuesday, was on the phones by Wednesday, had her first sale by Thursday, and showed me her boobs by Friday. I am more confident than ever that this will work out tremendously well and that this was the right decision.
And now, here's to a good weekend.
posted by Saturday, August 25, 2007 @ 12:39 am comments (23)
filed under General tagged avitable, britt, weekend
Last night, I was watching TV with Amy when I saw the strangest commercial. It was for a product called "Fishpen!" It's a miniature fishing rod in a pen. You just unscrew, release the telescopic rod and fish! Everything you need in a small pen you can fit in your pocket!
Or not. There's also the brass reel that you need. Oh, and the hooks and lures. And bait, of course, since this isn't fly fishing. So you still need a carrying case for all the accessories. But it's so convenient!
The commercial was hilarious - it showed a businessman walking around with this god-awful pen in his shirt pocket, then stopping by a river, making his Fishpen! into a fishing rod, and then fishing before going home, with newly caught fish for his 1950s wife to cook for his dinner! Do you know many women who can take a freshly caught fish and prepare it? Because while I know there are some of you who can, most women today cannot. At all. Nor would they. Nor should they!
But, even with all the ludicrosity and ridiculosity (two real words that I just made up), I still wanted to buy one! I think the only reason for this was the name, Fishpen! Taking two words that don't belong together and making them into an "innovative" product is brilliant. I wonder what other potential products are out there that I could develop and sell to make millions.
Besides the awesome Knifewrench! from Scrubs, here are some of my ideas (and all of them have to have exclamation points - that's what really sells them):
posted by Friday, August 24, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (41)
filed under General tagged avitable, comedy, fishpen, funny, humor, knifewrench, tv
In 100 Things: Part 1, I told you 21 things about my family. Then, in 100 Things: Part 2, I told you 19 eccentric things about myself. Then, 100 Things: Part 3 was about my wife. 100 Things: Part 4 was all about the weird and cool things I've seen or done. 100 Things: Part 5 was about some of the strange things I hate. And now, here's Part 6:
Rather than pick up on the things that I obviously love (cheeseburgers, my wife, lettuce, etc.), I've decided to focus on some of the things that I love that are less obvious. Here goes.
I love:
20. A huge rolling thunderstorm that shakes the windows each time the thunder roars and pours down sheet after sheet of water.
19. Driving 110 mph through four lanes of traffic like it's a chessboard.
18. Walking in the door and taking off my pants.
17. Watching someone open a gift.
16. Swimming bare-ass naked.
15. Taking an entitled, pretentious fuckstick down a notch.
14. When the icing on generic grocery store birthday cake has been in the fridge and is solid enough to pull off the cake.
13. Getting to the movie theater early with Amy and sitting in the middle seats in the row that has the bar in front so you get more leg room, then sitting there and talking while the trivia replays over and over again.
12. Eating a huge holiday meal, then going right to bed and sleeping until the next morning.
11. Curling up somewhere warm and reading an entire book while the entire house is completely quiet and still.
posted by Thursday, August 23, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (53)
filed under 100 Things tagged 100 things, avitable, lists, love
Last night
I dream of toilets and peeing. I dream of oceans and fountains, and peeing in them. I keep having a recurring dream where I wake up, pee, and then go back to bed and then wake up and pee again.
Finally, I wake up. And guess what? I have to pee like a motherfucker.
I gracefully stumble to the bathroom, wearing nothing but underwear and a pair of socks.
I lift the toilet seat and face the toilet.
A stream of urine like none the world has ever seen shoots into the toilet. It takes all of the strength in my right hand to avoid spraying urine around the room like a fire hose.
I close my eyes. Enjoy the feeling. Say "Ahhhh..." in satisfaction of the simple things in life.
Suddenly, without warning, both of my feet begin to slide on the cold bathroom floor. In opposite directions.
Placing my left hand against the wall in an effort to prevent myself from doing what's called the "Urination Split" does absolutely nothing, and my downward trend continues.
Meanwhile, the stream is not abating. Urine continues to flow at an ungodly rate. I fear that I shall soon become desiccated and shrivel into a piece of Avitable jerky.
My feet separate further. I am now more than a foot closer to the ground. Before long I will be urinating directly onto the bathroom rug.
I close my eyes and clench. Not my fist or my foot but my penis. From the inside. And the urine stops. But much like the little boy who stuck his finger in the dike, I couldn't hold back for too long.
Using both hands, I push myself upright.
Quickly, I sit down on the toilet and resume peeing. It sounds like Niagara Falls.
My wife walks in, sees me sitting down to pee, and shakes her head as she walks away to use the other bathroom. I hear her mutter something about "such a girl" and "no balls".
I finish, flush, wash, and slink ashamedly to bed.
posted by Wednesday, August 22, 2007 @ 12:00 am comments (60)
filed under I am not gay tagged avitable, comedy, funny, humor, pee, toilet
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