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Lazy Sunday II

I’m continuing the trend of posting horrible surveys and memes on Sunday. This one’s stolen from Myspace, that wonderful repository of all things stupid and stultifying.

1. Would you make a fool out of yourself in public if it meant you were making your partner laugh?
I’d make a fool out of myself in public for a nickel. Or a penny. Or a photocopy of someone holding a penny.

2. Would you prefer the lights on or off during sex?
Off. The glow-in-the-dark full body condom I wear usually provides enough light for me to see what the holy hell I’m doing.

3. Do you judge people solely by their musical preferences?
I am not prejudiced in that way. I prefer to judge people based on the color of their skin and religious affiliation instead.

4. If you could ‘take back’ your virginity from your first partner, would you?
Those tender moments between me and Uncle Jesse have kept me warm through many cold nights, so no.

5. Would you ever start a relationship with someone who was still living with an ex for financial reasons?
Isn’t that just like writing on your forehead in big black letters, “Cockblock me”?

6. Do you need to know everything about someone’s past?
Yes. I usually investigate everyone I know in great depth. It gives me leverage. Especially when I find those hidden naked photos.

7. It is more worthwhile and satisfying to improve the world or appreciate the world?
Fuck both of those. It is better for the world to appreciate me.

8. Do you feel you have a purpose or calling in life?
Only to be the big fish in a small pond and take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way or that comes someone else’s way that I can co-opt.

9. Do you believe that dreams can be messages from a “higher level”?
If so, I have no idea why God wants me to run naked through the streets of Los Angeles holding Kristen Bell, then take off and fly around while shooting death ray eyebeams into crowds of Bush supporters who have koala bear masks on.

10. Would you rather have a great friend you could share everything with or a great lover you can’t really talk to?
A great sandwich.

11. Is the male or female body the closest to perfection?
Perfection how? I mean, to look at, clearly it’s either women or me. But for everything else . . . ah, who am I kidding? It’s always women.

13. Do you like kissing in public?
I like it, yes. The police, however, have asked me to stop. And so have all the people that I keep kissing.

14. Do you have a fetish that you would like to employ in your next relationship?
I’ve always wanted to be three inches tall and attached to the business end of a vibrator. So, if you know any 40-foot tall women who can make that happen, let me know.

15. Did America really put a man on the moon?
The people who think that the moon landing was a hoax are some of the stupidest people on Earth. If you’re one of those people, please let me know in the comments. I’ll come over and kick you in the crotch.

16. Would you date someone significantly (9 years or over) older than you?
In limited circumstances, yes. Although, typically, my tastes run to the younger crowd.

17. Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
Making other people unhappy.

18. How well do you handle criticism?
Why, do you have something to say about that? Well, why don’t you write it on a piece of paper and shove it where the sun don’t shine, asshole?

19. Would you like to date someone a lot purer than you?
I like the 14-year old girls I pick up on Myspace to be more experienced. They can teach me things.

20. When fooling around with someone, do you sometimes have sexual fantasies about other people?
Only my dog.

21. Is it possible for full-figured women to be equally attractive as thinner women?
Of course it is. It’s also possible for thinner women to look like crack whores, and fatter women to look like blimps. Depends on the person.

22. You’ve just met someone incredible while out with friends, and (s)he’s been kind enough to cough up a phone number. How long would you wait to call?
I would call 436 times in the first day.

23. Do you think the family of a murder victim should have any say in what punishment is given to the murderer?
No. I think the family should have a say in what type of cookies the murderer gets in jail. Chocolate Chip or Macadamia. Because some people really hate macadamia nuts.

24. Would you have a ‘Happy Button’ installed on your body, connected to your brain, which would instantly make you very happy whenever you pressed it?
I already have that. Except it’s more of a ‘Happy Stick’. And it has to recharge occasionally.

25. Would you rather know everything about your mate, or be regularly surprised?
My first mate? Like, I’m a sea captain? Well, as long as he does his job well, I guess I don’t mind being surprised.

26. We are all human, do you judge someone for a past indiscretion?
I don’t judge anyone. Except for you. You disgust me!

27. What is sexiest on a woman or a man?
Peanut butter.

28. Would you rather have your dream job or your soul mate for the rest of your life?
A great sandwich.

29. Do you consider yourself sexually open minded?
I like to think of it as more of an open schedule.

30. Should your mate also become your best friend?
What’s with all the nautical questions? Yar!

32. Have you ever had a true one-night stand?
I had a lemonade stand.

33. Have you ever posed as a nude model?
I get paid to not pose nude.

34. Would you prefer if good things happened, or interesting things?
A great sandwich.

35. Is it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?
It’s better to have two hands in someone’s bush than a bird in your ass. Or something.

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40 Replies to “Lazy Sunday II”

  1. Angel

    I’ve told you about telling people about all of the nude pictures that you found of me. STOP TELLING PEOPLE..you are ruining my reputation of a sweet innocent 20-something. Sheesh!

  2. Avitable

    Poppy, don’t you remember signing that release form?

    Dave, how did you know?

    AnnieB, you did not. Liar.

    Angel, but they’re worth so much money on the black market!

    Mr. Fabulous, what could be more fun?

    Turnbaby, I’d answer you but I’m smearing my dick in Nutella right now.

  3. Sybil Law

    Personally, I liked 15 the most. Well, actually, I liked the entire thing!
    Oh – and I finally got your postcard up on my blogpage! I had to do it the redneck way and take a picture of it to post it (my scanner is fried, I guess), so the quality sucks, but it’s up!! It only took me how long?!

  4. Sybil Law

    Hey- how did you know I was a dirty motherfucker?! Seriously – my friends have all been laughing over that postcard!! They are jealous! I am going to order some from you soon, too. So I can share the love. Because I am hippie-ish like that.

  5. Michael

    That was hilarious and I learnt a new word, stultifying.

    Entertaining and educational with some mental images thrown in that won’t go away. I am never touching white Nutella (well, not your jar at least) again.

  6. Avitable

    Brandi, I’m so confused by your comment.

    Mistress Yoda, exactly!

    Poppy, I wish somebody owed me a cake. I love cake.

    Steph, :heart:

    Sybil, I’m glad you finally posted the postcard, you dirty fucker!

    WeaponM, you’re right. The sexiness might be too much for me.

    Mistress, I wasn’t as happy with this one as I was with some of the others I’ve done.

    KG, you’re a weirdo.

    Michael, I always try to throw a few mentally scarring images into every post. It’s my way of giving back.

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