In 100 Things: Part 1, I told you 21 things about my family. Then, in 100 Things: Part 2, I told you 19 eccentric things about myself. Then, 100 Things: Part 3 was about my wife. 100 Things: Part 4 was all about the weird and cool things I've seen or done. Now it's time for Part 5:

100 Things: Things I Hate

Rather than pick up on the things everyone hates (political and religious extremism, bigotry, slow drivers, lettuce), I've decided to focus on things that I hate that are hopefully a bit less cliched and obvious. Here goes:

30. Fantasy, especially LOTR. Even though I enjoy comic books, I love Star Wars, and I'm pretty much a big ol' hairy gorilla geek, I hate fantasy. Part of it is hard to explain, but when you watch something like Lord of the Rings, and you watch those fucking horrible Hobbits and they're dancing around singing and skipping and everything, I just absolutely hate it. It's so artificial and poorly structured and such a facade, but it permeates almost every work of fantasy out there. I wish Peter Jackson had died at birth. Tolkien should have had his hands chopped off so he couldn't write anything. (A few exceptions: I consider things like the Oz books and the Princess Bride to be the rare examples of fantasy that don't have this element.)

29. People who park on the curb directly across the street from another car parked on the curb. If I have to squeeze my car between yours and someone else's because you're too fucking stupid to know not to park right there, I'm going to let my side-view mirror scrape down the side of your car. I own my car and I don't give a shit if it gets a few nicks and scratches. Maybe you'll be more careful next time, fuckerton.

28. Television Network Executives. These are the people who are so out of touch with reality and so unaware of quality that they rely on flawed surveys and viewer response to determine what gets aired and what doesn't. This leads to gems like "War at Home" and "Deal or No Deal" getting multiple season orders while good shows like "The Job", "Veronica Mars", "Angel", etc., etc., etc. get canceled. The intelligent executive would realize that while Cleetus and his 6 worthless kids are sitting down to watch a show where someone is trying to play a glorified version of Memory, their advertising dollar is worth only a fraction of mine. What they spend on their weekly trip to Wal-mart is a tenth of what I spend on frivolous purchases. But until they get off their ass and realize this, network execs have a special place in hell.

27. Eggplant.

26. Beer commercials. Nobody goes out and decides to buy a brand of beer because of a commercial. There are two classes of beer drinkers – those who don't care what they drink, and will drink anything with alcohol in it, or those who are very picky, and they'll only drink what they've tasted. Nobody – NOBODY – watches one of those stupid fucking commercials and says "Hm. Maybe I'll drink Bud Light from now on." Disclaimer: If you know someone who makes their beer drinking decision based on the commercials, please let me know so I can come over and punch them in the crotch.

25. Spectator Sports. Yeah, living vicariously through a team as you watch someone who would otherwise be a drug dealer on the street if he wasn't able to run fast or jump high score points in an imaginary contest that pits random people against each other on a basis of geographic borders or schools while denying the blatant corruption that has rotted every single event from the inside out sounds like a great waste of time, doesn't it?

24. My left eye. I'll tell you what, my fucking eye is bothering me again, and I'm about a hair away from getting a melon baller and just scooping it out of my head. I can have it replaced with a cybernetic eye that has x-ray capability. And yes, I know, I could go to the doctor if it's really that much of a problem, but I try to avoid entrusting my health to an egotistical stranger with no sense of social skills or ability to look beyond a chart unless it's an emergency.

23. People who hide behind the veil of anonymity. I'm not talking about people who want to keep their information private but still have a way to reach them or talk to them. I'm talking about idiots who post things they'd never say in public or even in private if someone knew who they were and where they lived. That's one reason I have never tried to even hide who I am. Anything I post on this blog is something I'd say at a party, in public, or to my parents. Well, if they were drunk.

22. The Macarena.

21. Randy Newman. I can't explain it, but I absolutely hate him. He ruined Toy Story and Monsters, Inc., I have to fast forward past the Monk theme song if I don't want to retch. Those pieces of shit Focker movies with Ben Stiller were made even worse with his horrible tunesmithing and ridiculous lyrics. He's a blight on the face of society and someone should travel back in time and kill his mother just to prevent his birth.

56 Responses to “100 Things Part 5”