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100 Things Part 5

In 100 Things: Part 1, I told you 21 things about my family. Then, in 100 Things: Part 2, I told you 19 eccentric things about myself. Then, 100 Things: Part 3 was about my wife. 100 Things: Part 4 was all about the weird and cool things I’ve seen or done. Now it’s time for Part 5:

100 Things: Things I Hate

Rather than pick up on the things everyone hates (political and religious extremism, bigotry, slow drivers, lettuce), I’ve decided to focus on things that I hate that are hopefully a bit less cliched and obvious. Here goes:

30. Fantasy, especially LOTR. Even though I enjoy comic books, I love Star Wars, and I’m pretty much a big ol’ hairy gorilla geek, I hate fantasy. Part of it is hard to explain, but when you watch something like Lord of the Rings, and you watch those fucking horrible Hobbits and they’re dancing around singing and skipping and everything, I just absolutely hate it. It’s so artificial and poorly structured and such a facade, but it permeates almost every work of fantasy out there. I wish Peter Jackson had died at birth. Tolkien should have had his hands chopped off so he couldn’t write anything. (A few exceptions: I consider things like the Oz books and the Princess Bride to be the rare examples of fantasy that don’t have this element.)

29. People who park on the curb directly across the street from another car parked on the curb. If I have to squeeze my car between yours and someone else’s because you’re too fucking stupid to know not to park right there, I’m going to let my side-view mirror scrape down the side of your car. I own my car and I don’t give a shit if it gets a few nicks and scratches. Maybe you’ll be more careful next time, fuckerton.

28. Television Network Executives. These are the people who are so out of touch with reality and so unaware of quality that they rely on flawed surveys and viewer response to determine what gets aired and what doesn’t. This leads to gems like “War at Home” and “Deal or No Deal” getting multiple season orders while good shows like “The Job”, “Veronica Mars”, “Angel”, etc., etc., etc. get canceled. The intelligent executive would realize that while Cleetus and his 6 worthless kids are sitting down to watch a show where someone is trying to play a glorified version of Memory, their advertising dollar is worth only a fraction of mine. What they spend on their weekly trip to Wal-mart is a tenth of what I spend on frivolous purchases. But until they get off their ass and realize this, network execs have a special place in hell.

27. Eggplant.

26. Beer commercials. Nobody goes out and decides to buy a brand of beer because of a commercial. There are two classes of beer drinkers – those who don’t care what they drink, and will drink anything with alcohol in it, or those who are very picky, and they’ll only drink what they’ve tasted. Nobody – NOBODY – watches one of those stupid fucking commercials and says “Hm. Maybe I’ll drink Bud Light from now on.” Disclaimer: If you know someone who makes their beer drinking decision based on the commercials, please let me know so I can come over and punch them in the crotch.

25. Spectator Sports. Yeah, living vicariously through a team as you watch someone who would otherwise be a drug dealer on the street if he wasn’t able to run fast or jump high score points in an imaginary contest that pits random people against each other on a basis of geographic borders or schools while denying the blatant corruption that has rotted every single event from the inside out sounds like a great waste of time, doesn’t it?

24. My left eye. I’ll tell you what, my fucking eye is bothering me again, and I’m about a hair away from getting a melon baller and just scooping it out of my head. I can have it replaced with a cybernetic eye that has x-ray capability. And yes, I know, I could go to the doctor if it’s really that much of a problem, but I try to avoid entrusting my health to an egotistical stranger with no sense of social skills or ability to look beyond a chart unless it’s an emergency.

23. People who hide behind the veil of anonymity. I’m not talking about people who want to keep their information private but still have a way to reach them or talk to them. I’m talking about idiots who post things they’d never say in public or even in private if someone knew who they were and where they lived. That’s one reason I have never tried to even hide who I am. Anything I post on this blog is something I’d say at a party, in public, or to my parents. Well, if they were drunk.

22. The Macarena.

21. Randy Newman. I can’t explain it, but I absolutely hate him. He ruined Toy Story and Monsters, Inc., I have to fast forward past the Monk theme song if I don’t want to retch. Those pieces of shit Focker movies with Ben Stiller were made even worse with his horrible tunesmithing and ridiculous lyrics. He’s a blight on the face of society and someone should travel back in time and kill his mother just to prevent his birth.

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56 Replies to “100 Things Part 5”

  1. Angel

    I hate everything on this list too. Except for your left eye, because it really isn’t bothering me. Here’s a suggestion for it: benadryl. IUt works wonders for allergies.

    So, with the exception of your eye, I hate this whole fucking list. :finger:

  2. Sheila

    You don’t like fantasies?! I thought for sure you have shared a couple of your fantasies on here!!


    Ooooh, you said Fantasy. Well, yeah, besides Star Wars, I’m really interested either.

  3. Kylah

    TV network executives suck. All the shows I like get canceled. The world is not fair. The cancelation of Veronica Mars hit me hard, it ended up with me ranting that good TV is dying, but I’m a fifteen year old girl, I’m allowed to react that way.

  4. MsFreud

    #29… Fuckin A… don’t ever come drive in Europe Avi. The trucks-yes that’s right, trucks- like to pull it the fuck over slightly to the side of the middle of the road in the center of these little village streets.

    And I got to go with Dave- Tim Curry is a sexy mutha in “Legend”- something about that voice. :heartbeat:

  5. Mr. Fabulous

    Mrs. Fab will be happy to hear about your antipathy for Randy Newman. She hates him with the blinding hot white intensity of a thousand suns ever since he wrote “Short People”. To this day if we are listening to the 70’s station on XM and that song comes on, I have to change the station.

    And when he appears on those award shows her her head spins completely around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

  6. HoosierGirl5

    I disagree with you on spectator sports. There is nothing I like better than watching one of my kids play something that there is no way I could play. I used to hate football – until my son started playing. He’s great at it! And soccer – well, there’s no way I could run AND kick a ball. But both of my sons are excellent at it. And my daughter playing volleyball? Well, I could go on and on….oops, too late! I already did! 😛


  7. Christie

    Well there’s a big difference between some Hobbits whining about a ring and a totally awesome ex-Jedi trying to save his wife so he gets seduced by the “dark side…”

    (hehe, I love me some star wars)

  8. AnnieB

    Some I agreed with. Others I never given a second thought to.

    LOTR never appealed to me but frankly I always thought it was something lacking in me and I just didn’t “get” it.

    One thing is for sure … you’re a passionate guy!

  9. Avitable

    The Britt’s in the Mail, I’m sure your macarena is hot. I probably wouldn’t hate it toooo much.

    Amanda, I’m perpetually sad about it.

    Angel, Benadryl makes me sleepy.

    Dave, I have never seen it.

    NYCWD, never seen that one either. Never even heard of it.

    Brandi, that’s one reason I can’t stand Tolkien – it’s all of the fake words.

    Sheila, Star Wars isn’t fantasy – it’s sci fi.

    Kylah, I’m a fifteen year girl on the inside, so I’m allowed to react that way too.

    Dan, I bet it goes a bit heavy on the piano and trumpet, too.

    MsFreud, I think driving in Europe would be fun!

    Mr. Fabulous, my head does that too! I knew I liked Mrs. Fab for a reason. Randy Newman must die!

    Phishez, they’re just not funny!

    HG5, I should have been more specific and explained that I mean professional spectator sports. Watching your kids play anything doesn’t count – you’re allowed to be proud of them and enjoy watching them.

    Mike, I was tired.

    Christie, well, there’s a fine line between sci-fi and fantasy, and I think Star Wars is heavily sci-fi.

    AnnieB, you’ve never given eggplant much thought?

  10. teebopop

    I hated cartoons as a kid. Hated them. Although, my hatred has lessened a bit as an adult. Different ballgame. Shrek, Ice Age, etc.

    Am a SciFi fanatic. Hate hate hate fantasy.

    Being anonymous? I’m all about that. But, it’s not because I wouldn’t say IRL what I say on my blog, given the chance. But I’m afraid that some of the content would entice freaks and bizarros to show up on my doorstep and do god knows what…

  11. MsFreud

    … driving in europe is fun! On the highways.
    Parking in europe SUCKS SACK, as does having to squeeze your car in between asshole trucks in tiny villages without taking off your mirrors or getting run down by on coming traffic.
    But if you wanna try it- I’ll put you up and give you a nice supply of German wines and Beers.

  12. Avitable

    Angel, yeah, I take Claritin occasionally. I can’t tell if it works or not.

    Teebopop, that’s not the type of anonymous I mean. You have an email address and a URL and so someone can respond to you. I’m mainly talking about trolls on blogs and message boards and places like that who think they’re a badass because they’re anonymous.

  13. Avitable

    Dawn, yeah, I love that clip from the Family Guy.

    Poppy, troll!

    AnnieB, I don’t know what you’re talking about. My dick has a great name!

    Teebopop, that’s okay. I forgive you.

    EricaAP, clearly you were not a serious fan of the show!

  14. annie

    I SO agree on all those points, except eggplant. I like eggplant. Rolled around three cheeses and garlic and battered and fried. It’s good that way.
    I never thought of the TV executives that way, it’s so true. The brain dead morons who would like those shows most likely don’t spend the money like us smart types.

  15. Wayne

    Do you have a post of things you love? Maybe that’s the final installment of the 100 things? That would be a great final 20.

    I don’t think I hate anything to the extent you do, but things like bad service in restaurants, folks flinging their cigarette butts out their car window and getting to a movie less than 20 minutes before it starts are all big pet peeves of mine – all worthy of me stating “I _hate_ it when that happens”.

    I’d say more, but since I’m not anonymous…

  16. Lynda

    Have you tried artificial tears for your eye? I use them because I get dry eye, but it also helps with irritants.

    I totally agree with you on the beer commercials. The “Real Men of Genius” grate on my nerves. I usually hear that intro and turn off the radio. I’ll be sure to let you know if I hear of someone who drinks beer for the commercials, especially if I can watch you punch them in the crotch.

    I didn’t mind LotR. My husband had issues with it because he loved the books, and to him the movies weren’t quite as good. Most of the time, I have trouble getting past some of the elements of Fantasy with books, but there are some exceptions. I generally don’t read the Fantasy genre. I enjoyed the Oz books too. I have been thinking of reading them again.

    I always think Randy Newman sounds whiney. I don’t need to hear someone whine a song.

  17. Avitable

    Annie, eggplants are evil!

    Poppy, not to troll, a troll.

    Wayne, that’s not a half-bad idea. A little too optimistic for my tastes, but I might do it anyway. And I agree about the movies – I get there 30 minutes early every time.

    Lynda, I hate the real men of genius!

  18. The Scoot

    Uh… You are just one big fucking ball of sunshine, aren’t you? Thank goodness for pluralism.

    Yep, that’s right! You’ll never get to live in the world of your choosing, because you can’t kill that many people.

  19. HoosierGirl5

    Okay, Avi, you’re forgiven. Actually, you weren’t really in trouble…..hmmmm. I’m confusing myself. Anyway, if you want to make the drive up to Southern Indiana, you’re welcome to watch a totally rockin’ Jr. High football game, featuring my son as fullback. I would like to see any of those shrimpy little kids stop him. :woohoo:

  20. Hilly

    This is gonna get things thrown at me but….I cannot stand fantasy. Because Shawn works at Blizzard on WoW, we meet a lot of those type of people. So when Shawn asks if I will go to dinner with some friends, I ask him, “do they spell fairy with a “y” or an “ie” because that makes a huge difference!”.

  21. Avitable

    Poppy, trolls don’t like hugs!

    The Scoot, did you just quote “Serenity”?

    HG5, I said it was fine for you to watch your kids. I don’t fucking want to watch ’em!

    AnnieB, The One, The All, and The Everything.

    RW, which things, huh?

    Bdogg, you are a very smart woman.

    Hilly, hilarious! The WoW people have to be some of the worst!

  22. Avitable

    RW, okay, that is what I figured.

    Scoot, the antagonist, an assassin, says something along the lines of the fact that he’ll never get to live in the world that he is helping to create because it belongs to good people. Or something.

  23. Michael

    Not much into fantasy, I have seen all Star Wars movies on premiere week at the theater when they came out but LOTR doesn’t do it for me.

    Although I went to the latest Star Wars with a friend who is in to them big time, he was wearing his Jedi cloak! I walked several steps behind him

    I did watch the LOTR movies once and once was enough, someone got me a boxed set of the movies and they are still around here collecting dust.

  24. Avitable

    Poppy, nicely done.

    Michael, same here.

    Duchess, there was a lot of work that went into them, but they consist of walking and fighting and crying and walking and fighting and walking some more. Ugh.

    RW, wow, did I write that? I had to go back and fix it. My brain don’t work so good nomore.

  25. Sarcastica

    I don’t tell people where I live for several reasons;

    1. I’m not comfortable revealing it online.
    2. There are crazies online!
    3. I also have family who would KILL ME if I let anything slip of where I am.
    4. I’m secretly a famous movie star and I don’t want people finding out who I am…. :dance:

    However, anything I write about in my blog I would talk about in conversation with someone else and it really wouldn’t kill me if anyone found my blog and read what I wrote (example; co-worker). I would laugh. And then say haha…what cha gonna do about it?!?

  26. Nobody™

    I totally agree with you network execs and spectator sports. It makes no sense to me how much people get off on watching criminals chase a ball (that isn’t even round! what kind of ball is that?) across a football field.

  27. Avitable

    Sarcastica, I was talking only about people who hide behind anonymity to be trolls. I have no problem with people who are trying to be anonymous for other reasons.

    Nobody, is football the one with the orange ball and the hoops?

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