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So clever

Have you ever tried to look casual when you get caught doing something ridiculously stupid? It never works:

Case 1.

I was 14 and giving a female friend a shoulder massage. Thinking I was clever, I used my middle fingers to lift her shirt and bra from her body while I was massaging her shoulder blades with the other fingers. This gave me an unfettered view of her breasts, which I was drinking in with both eyes, concentrating as hard as possible. And that’s why, when her mother walked in, making it look like I was giving her a friendly pat on the shoulder was completely unconvincing, as was the visible bulge in my shorts as I stood up to distance myself from the girl.

Case 2.

What happened to me in 1988.

Case 3.

At age 16, enjoying playing in the front yard with some nunchaku, I practiced carefully, since I was not very good. However, when I noticed the hot female neighbors watching out of the corner of my eye, I started getting faster and faster. Everything was going smoothly and I was quite impressed with myself until I racked myself in the balls solidly and then had to curl up into a ball on the front lawn. My humiliation was further cemented when my mother came out and asked me loudly if I needed to ice my testicles.

Case 4.

Last night, walking out to our lanai from my office, I smacked face-first into the sliding glass door which I swear to God was open when I looked at it a few minutes earlier. I fell flat on my ass and laid there until my wife came out to see what the loud boom she heard was. She thought it was a sonic boom from the shuttle or something. I tried to convince her that I was just relaxing on the floor with the dog, but she was unconvinced due to the fact that the dog was with her and there was a large smear of forehead grease right on the sliding glass door, which was still shaking.

I’m sure if I thought about it, I could come up with a hundred more examples. It’s frightening how many of these involve masturbation, nudity, sex, or some combination, though. Remind me to tell the naked babysitting story sometime.

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28 Replies to “So clever”

  1. e.Craig

    I’m reminded of sitting in class at age 14, and being called on to stand and recite something. The problem was, while I’d been daydreaming, I wasn’t paying any attention to what was going on in class. The bigger problem was my daydreaming was of a certain freshman girl, and I was sitting there with a rock hard boner trying to rip through the front of my Levis.

    It’s probably was just as well that I wasn’t quick enough on my feet to tell the teacher I couldn’t stand because my leg had fallen asleep, because my buddy sitting next to me would have looked down at the front of my pants, and exclaimed out loud, “No wonder your leg is asleep, all your blood has rushed to your dick.”

  2. ADW

    Masturbation stories are always hilarious – when you get caught. I once got caught doing the nasty – not solo though – in the backseat of a car at the drive-in movies. Problem was, I left my real headlights on and we were in one of the front rows, basically illuminating what was going on in my backseat for the whole drive-in to see. Quite a show if I do say so myself.

    Missed ya!!!

  3. Avitable

    BPR, probably. Or the dog likes to shut the door when I’m not looking.

    e.Craig, that’s why God made Trapper Keepers!

    Mr. Fabulous, I know – you’re the very model of decorum.

    ADW, I love silhouette porn! Glad you’re back.

    Sarcastica, the smartest people are the clumsiest – it’s a fact. We’re geniuses!

    Mistress Yoda, well, it does involve swinging around a stick, so kinda.

  4. Kentucky Girl

    Uhm, I’m in a constant state of embarrassment. I have to be the most embarrassing person to be around because of all the dumb shit that I do making myself and others look like morons. I love it though! Make me unique. :sex003:

  5. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, yes, I’ve learned that.

    Tracy, why, thank you.

    Lynda, I don’t get caught most of the time.

    Dragon, liar. You’d be at the hospital with scalded nostrils!

    KG, you are an embarrassment, aren’t you? Now that I think about it, that is. πŸ˜€

    RW, I’ll reword you if you want.

    Bossy, yes.

  6. Sybil Law

    Avitable, you never cease to make me laugh hysterically!!
    I answered your questions on my blog. Thanks for giving me something to write about, because my brain is pretty much like driftwood right now.

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