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Redneck haiku

My favorite blogger Mist and I did these back and forth in her comments a few months ago and I thought it would be fun to revisit them on my blog. Let me hear yours, too!

Pitbulls are so great
‘specially around the kids.
What harm could thar be?

Dead armadillo
Scraped him off I-95
Eatin’ good tonight

A rusted Ford truck
Good playpen for them kids, or
Lawn decoration?

Book larnin’ never
Did nothing for nobody
Nohow and no way.

Nuthin’s sexier
Than a girl with a mullet
And at least four teeth

Shooting junkyard rats
Driving around parking lots
Life sure is real good.

Rent-to-own is like
Borrowing the coolest shit
For about three months

Virgins are no good
Not good ’nuff for her own kin
Not good ’nuff for me

Disability –
Cain’t work when I got this here
infected hangnail.

Fucking foreigners
Taking all of the good jobs
Where’s my welfare check?

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43 Replies to “Redneck haiku”

  1. Avitable

    RW, so you are operating under the assumption that rednecks don’t know meter and proper form for haiku?

    Brandon, nicely done!

    Amy, good attempt, but haiku are 5 7 5 not 7 5 7.

    Mr. Fabulous, they were doing a lot of haiku there?

    Turnbaby, excellent!

    DaisyJo, bad? Everybody knows rednecks don’t have computers, so they can’t read this!

    ADW, so punny. Groan.

    Robin, what happened to Mistress Yoda?

    Britt, don’t forget 20 years of living in Iowa, too. I don’t think there are any rednecks in Hawaii. We should take a trip there and investigate.

    Metalmom, ahh, the classic “I’m my own grandpa” song!

    Y not I, is Hee Haw still on? Well, maybe they have it on DVD.

  2. Mike

    Okay,

    Last hockey season I was in this hockey pool. Ever so often, I would send a “Hockey Haiku” to Craig. At first he was leading, then I passed him and at the end he almost cought up. You can see the progression:

    Me double digits.
    Mark Recchi had seven points
    Twenty-five from lead.

    I am still gaining
    Emery has been suspended;
    Can I survive this?

    Snow all around us
    They finally see the light
    Devils everywhere.

    It still stays the same.
    Six versus half a dozen:
    slowest race ever.

    I can’t believe it,
    Against the odds I prevail
    You still see my ass.

  3. y not i

    QVC, Wal-Mart
    What more do I need in life?
    Oh, yeah. A purpose.

    Growin’ corn and wheat
    Hope the feds don’t find the pot
    in the back forty.

    No job, no money
    But I gots a cool new boat
    Off to go fishin’.

  4. Hilly

    LOL, I love the “pitbulls” thing. Back in my early 20’s, when I lived on the not-so-nice part of town, I would always ask, “why do all these mother fuckers on food stamps and welfare have dogs to feed, especially rottweillers and pit bulls?”

  5. Brandi

    *clears throat*

    Traded in the Ford
    for a slightly used shotgun
    Good riddence, McCoy!

    Sis rotten her teeth
    with too much copenhagen
    swallowin aint good.

    I a got a skoal ring
    in my favorite wranglers
    it’s about time too.

    “Spit it out Ol’ Red!”
    I hollered at the coon hound,
    “That’s the baby’s food!”

    They jus fired me
    for bringin home a girlfriend
    grave diggin’s hard werk.

    Just visited Mom
    she says please tell the vicitims
    “Sorry ’bout the cat.”

    Titties and cold beer,
    don’t get much better ‘en porn
    on stolen cable.

    The fair’s rollin’ in.
    Mama shore cain’t wait to try
    them deep fried twinkies.

    I tried tellin’ yall,
    just cause the whole house’s got clap,
    it don’t mean nothin’!

    Take yer bra off Sis,
    Cousin Grandpa’s check came in.
    Yes sir, that should hewlp.

    Crashed another truck.
    The driver had insurance.
    Merry x-mas yall!

    Why don’t you let Dad
    Borry them dentures you got?
    My dick’s gettin sore!

    Boy howdy Fatso,
    You shore got a perdy mouth!
    Now squeel like a pig!

    I could do this all day.

  6. Avitable

    Y not I, sheep are damned sexy.

    Mike, is hockey the one with the puck and ice?

    Crystal, it’s okay, some of my friends are rednecks. I can say this stuff.

    Robin, you’re just trying to confuse all of us!

    Dragon, yeah, that’s a good one.

    RW, you’re not even trying.

    Hilly, it’s frightening, isn’t it? I do wonder how many pitbull owners are on foodstamps and welfare.

    Turnbaby, eight toes might be a bit high for our typical redneck.

  7. Y2K Survivor

    Dude I have been putting my extra artistic brain lobes on overdrive trying to think of the perfect haiku. I hope they astonish you with their simplistic beauty and dead on description of redneck culture.

    In Oklahoma
    I live in a trailer house
    I fear tornados

    Wal-martin is fun!
    The whole family likes to shop
    It’s where we buy clothes

    Tin roofs get real hot
    air conditioner is broke
    Death, please take me now

    Litter is real bad
    They have big fines and shit
    Dont toss that trash out

    Florida is cool!
    They got hurricanes and shit
    Cleans them yards smooth off

    Haiku’s are real fun
    Wish I could get paid per post
    but they aint funny

  8. Avitable

    KG, well, I’ll take tit-rubbing over haiku any day.

    Turnbaby, exactly!

    Wayne, your first one is very nice. Second one’s not a haiku, though.

    RW, slacker.

    Hello, almost. Not quite, though.

    Robin, sneaky fucker.

    Y2K Survivor, not a bad attempt.

    Poppy, since your comment is not in haiku form, I can’t answer it.

  9. Wayne

    Dangit allta hell!
    Why’s my haiku-checker broke?
    Here goes second try:

    We’ll git sum vitlins
    Dat derr squirrel goes down reel good
    with strawberry wine.

    (yes, squirrel is a single AND double syllable word)

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