There's this hot, intelligent, powerful, motivated, manipulative, logical woman I know. We will call her "Shmitt".
She has the world in the palm of her hand, and most of the people in it wrapped around her little finger.
She understands people very well, and can cajole them or capitalize on their vanity or otherwise convince them to do what she wants, whenever she wants.
There is almost nothing that she cannot do.
And watching her two-year old utterly destroy her, turning her into the she-devil from the ninth level of hell, was simultaneously horrifying and hilarious.
Hilarious because she really did turn into this:
Horrifying because if a child can do this to her of all people, what the hell would a child do to me?
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That is why children should be controlled chemically. It's what Benadryl is for.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I think a child would turn you into a big lovable teddy bear.
Comments by Angel
i think its more of a question of what you would do to a child...
Comments by bluepaintred
Egads. Yeah, I'm sure I'm not meant for children either.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
I think that picture is terrifying. Just show it to the two year old. That oughta do it.
Comments by Shelli
Aren't you making it worse by doing this post?
Of course due to the subtlety of changing the person's I.D - she can't kick your ass as she can't prove you were talking about her.
I would lock your office door though - just incase.
Comments by Jacki
Hey, you could get a kid like I was. From the age of two I was watching The Simpsons and Married With Children (I could even sing the theme), and I could hold conversations with adults. Plus my mom trained me to give people the finger.
Comments by Kylah
Kids hey? Yeah, what can ya say...
KidsShit happens...Comments by DutchBitch
Excellent point. Dear God, I hope you are sterile.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Induce vomiting?
Comments by RW
When I get like that I've considered a bullet to the brain....mine, not theirs!
Comments by metalmom
That's the trade off - children do turn even the most wonderfully tempered folks into raving lunatics. As for you - well I can kinda see you just laughing it off and teaching your little boy the benefits of walking around with no pants and a can of Diet Coke Lime...
By the way - I can easily insert the devil horns onto my head at least once a day - AND it's my 10 year old that does it to me, rarely the little 3 year old. I am never going to survive adolescence.
Comments by ADW
Renaming the person "Schmitt" is a smooth move. Leaving the ALT Tab as "Devil Britt"... Not so much. ;-)
My kids (8, 9 next week and 6) are adorables. But then again, they're scared of me. :-)
Comments by Mike
The first rule of Britt Club is, you do not talk about Britt Club.
The second rule of Britt Club is, you do NOT talk about Britt Club.
The third rule of Britt Club is. YOU DO NOT TALK about BRITT CLUB!
Comments by Wayne
What Wayne said.
(Hi, wHall! *wave*)
Comments by Poppy
Comments by Miss Britt
BTW - do you see the earrings I'm wearing in this picture? They are part of the lost now!!!!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
AND... not to worry. You will handle your children far better than I am able to handle mine.
(don't lie - you know you're thinkin' it)
Comments by Miss Britt
LOL
It's not YOU I would worry about–it's your lovely wife!! ;-)
Comments by Turnbaby
I like her with devil horns.... I wish I had 'em myself!
Comments by webmiztris
Gee, dude, why do you want to know?
Comments by BOSSY
A 2 year old can do that to most anyone!!
Comments by themuttprincess
I guess the only way to find out is to have kids yourself.
Comments by Lynda
Why I like grand kids you can send them home before the devil horn inducing stage starts. Unless we have all eight running around here at once then I look like that picture (minus the ear rings).
Comments by Michael
Tracy, or duct tape.
Angel, I think I'd be a bit of a disciplinarian, actually.
BPR, no, it's definitely what a kid would do to me.
KG, there is a huge part of me that would love kids, but that's not the logical or rational part of me.
Shelli, oh, she saw it yesterday.
Jacki, making what worse? I'm just impressed at the havok a child can wreak.
Kylah, and look how you turned out!
DB, very true.
Mr. Fabulous, me too!
RW, projectile vomiting, probably.
Metalmom, I bet you've considered theirs, too.
ADW, when they're teens, they're going to kill you!
Mike, clearly you're the last resort disciplinarian, aren't you?
Wayne, who said Britt? This is Shmitt.
Poppy, what I said to Wayne.
Turnbaby, oh, she can handle anything.
Webmiztris, oh, I bet you have devil horns somewhere.
Bossy, why? Just in case!
TMP, yeah, I know. That's horrifying.
Lynda, someday, I'm sure it will happen.
Michael, I wish I could just skip right to grandkids!
Comments by Avitable
OMG you totally fucking skipped me!!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
HAHAHHAHA! I just realized that I was doing that while I was talking to you on the phone. Oops.
Umm.....
Er....
Actually, I am quite impressed with how you handle your children and can't imagine keeping your temper in check for as long as you do!
Comments by Avitable
Hm... well... that is worthy of at least the consideration of forgiveness then...
(and if you come put my end tables together, forgiveness is guaranteed!)
Comments by Miss Britt
That is one of the many reasons I'm afraid of children and carry duct tape wherever I go.
Comments by Robin
I wouldn't worry about A child... I would worry about THAT child specifically. I think Emma could totally kick all yo asses at one time, all the while speaking in that cute little squeaky voice she has.
Comments by Amy
My wife had three adult kids when I married her so I did skip straight to them.
Comments by Michael
Meh, that's because you can't beat kids now-a-days. Back in the olden days when I had kids, they knew how to behave because they KNEW they could get a SPANKING.
Comments by annie
well in that case, don't go for more than one. In packs they are REALLY dangerous. I found out this morning that my lovely heathens ruined a months worth of work for me.
they are lucky they are alive right now
Comments by bluepaintred
Hmmm....is there something you are preparing to tell us? Hmmm????
Comments by Trishk
Britt, by forgiveness, do you mean boobs? Because if so, I'm there!
Robin, they'd probably see your breasts and drain you dry.
Amy, I don't know - I've seen Maggie destroy you, too!
Michael, lucky fucker.
Annie, good point.
BPR, that's what I've heard. Especially three boys.
TrishK, oh no, nothing like that. Just thinking about the distant horrifying future.
Comments by Avitable
Yes it is! Oh yes it is!!!!
(it also explains why most parents drink heavily....)
Comments by themuttprincess
I can almost picture Baby Avi.
Thank christ your wife is hot.
Comments by hot coffee girl
I have 3 kids. Why else do you think I call my self Crazy Lady
Comments by Crazy Lady in Vegas
I never thought of that...damn!
Comments by Robin
It's probably ok to let it out of the bag now, but you should know that while Britt says she wants me to come visit and claims she wants me to move - she really doesn't.
You see, the two of us got together and decided that it would be best if we got as much distance as possible between Emma and Maggie. We originally opted for separate continents but you know what a tight-ass Britt is. So we opted for opposite coasts instead.
Comments by Amy
TMP, yeah, I think I'll have to start drinking if we have kids.
HCG, I was a cute monkey baby!
Crazy Lady, good point.
Robin, your boobs are like magnets!
Amy, the two of them in the same room would probably spell disaster for us all.
Comments by Avitable
The two of them in the same STATE would mean the onset of Armageddon.
Comments by Amy
Dude, just think of all the blog fodder children would give you.
Comments by Joefish
If you add a vein popping out of her forehead, she looks just like my mom.
Comments by The Mahogany Flower
Amy, well, I guess that Maggie can never come to the real Disney, then.
Joefish, you're right about that. But then I'd be a daddyblogger!
Mahogany, if I could have drawn that, I would have.
Comments by Avitable
I drove my parents crazy, do I get a prize?
Comments by Sarcastica
Sarcastica, no, you get a spanking.
Comments by Avitable
Comments by Sarcastica
Comments by Avitable
Hmmmm...so this is Britt's true persona????
Comments by Meagan Avitable
It's one of them!
Comments by Avitable