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Lazy Sunday IV

Here’s your Sunday meme, stolen from the very bowels of hell online, Myspace. And don’t forget – tonight at 7 PM EST, I’ll be on air with Mr. Fabulous!

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Well, I thought so, but it turns out that the guy who pulled me over, made me strip, and then put on the rubber gloves was not actually a police officer.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Where’s the fun in that? I prefer to close my eyes while driving and let my passengers really have a good time!

3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?
Seriously? Like I would get down that close to the ground and travel down a hill attached to some flimsy piece of material. I’d rather just hire someone to sled for me and then tell me how it was.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I sleep with my new monitor.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Well, it’s either a ghost or some type of fairy that puts the toilet paper on the roll, puts new tubes of toothpaste in the cabinet, picks up my socks, and makes the bed every morning.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Did you not read my Redneck Haiku? I’m a creative juggernaut.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Not only did he kill his wife, but he also buried Jimmy Hoff, staged the moon landing, and is responsible for the popularity of “Deal or No Deal” on television. But he was awesome in the Naked Gun movies, so I forgive him.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Angelina Jolie is a skanky, ugly whore. Jennifer Aniston is awesome. I love her. I like to go through her trash and steal her underwear and make little outfits that I wear around the house while watching “Picture Perfect”.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
I’m a straight married white male in the highest income bracket. I don’t give a shit who runs the country, because I’ll make out like a bandit no matter what.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
The advent of poker just depresses me. Whatever happened to the grace and beauty of games like Go Fish and War?

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Yes. Other things I’ve done for 48 hours straight: masturbate, eat cheeseburgers, watch Law and Order, scratch my balls, talk on the phone, and tread water.

12. What’s your favorite commercial?
There’s that one with the funny hook and clever slogan that brands the product without actually having anything to do with what it does. Yeah, that one.

13. Who was your first love?
His name was Ferdinand, and he was the son of a sheep farmer.

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
If I’m driving in the middle of the day and I can’t see a cop anywhere, I’ll run a red light.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Yes. I am actually a hermaphrodite, but I need to have vaginoplasty. Don’t tell anyone.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
I don’t understand. Are these bands or towns or something? Or is it a type of clothing?

17. Have you ever been ice skating?
I’ve never been ice skating, water skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing, hang gliding, kayaking, or sledding, and I plan on keeping it that way.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Remember? Not so much. Wake up in a sticky mess after dreaming about Betty White? All the time.

19. What’s the one thing on your mind lately?
What’s the Spanish word for cunnilingus?

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes. If you don’t, you’re a fucking asshole.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
I have every talent I could possibly want. Well, I will as soon as I have these ribs removed so I can autofellate myself.

22. Do you like sushi?
I only eat beef, cheese, potatoes, and mayonnaise. That’s it.

23. What do you wear to bed?
I’ll alternate between a suit of 13th century armor and a pair of parachute pants that I bought from MC Hammer’s bankruptcy auction.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
Not anymore. I hated Princess Diana, but thankfully someone ran that stupid twat into a tunnel wall. Ok, I lie. I still hate plenty of people.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Dakota Fanning. But only because she wouldn’t take up much room in the bed so I could get a good night’s sleep. If I could have sex with any famous person, it would be Sarah Silverman.

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
I knew this one guy, but he escaped with his brother and they are on the run from the US government while they unravel a conspiracy that goes right up to the Presidency. He’s got some cool tattoos, too.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Anything that grows out of the ground.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Never! I make fun of them to their face. That gives them the chance to fight back, and then we get into a slapping fight and watch Oprah to make up.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes, but only if you substitute “ejaculated” for “been punched” and “eye” for “face”.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
Does the Tooth Fairy count?

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21 Replies to “Lazy Sunday IV”

  1. Avitable

    BPR, be my guest, but share your chocolate.

    Girl, Dislocated, seat belts aren’t standard in most of the civilized world?

    Mr. Fabulous, I never did see any money from the videos we sold of that.

    Shelli, Wilkommen.

    Britt, your seat belt was broken. And with your crazy-ass driving, I was scared for my life!

  2. Turnbaby

    5. Do you believe in ghosts?
    Well, it’s either a ghost or some type of fairy that puts the toilet paper on the roll, puts new tubes of toothpaste in the cabinet, picks up my socks, and makes the bed every morning.


    That’s called a ‘wife”

  3. Girl, Dislocated

    BFE is somewhere between civilized and uncivilized. Seat belts are just now starting to become standard, but only in the newer models, which no one around here can afford. Most people drive cars manufactured in the 80s–they either come with no seat belt, or the seat belt is torn, or the cars are so crammed with people that it’s impossible to put on a seat belt because every passenger including the driver and the front passenger has someone sitting on their lap.

  4. Avitable

    Robin, well, you clearly have excellent taste in geriatric women.

    TMP, exactly!

    Metalmom, she was awesome in Lake Placid!

    Turnbaby, nah – it’s a magical fairy!

    Amy, grazie.

    TrishK, they make great necklaces.

    Brandi, good thinking – I could see if it circles the internet and comes back to me.

    Girl, Dislocated, wow. But isn’t it true that you barely go faster than 30 anyway, so the danger is less?

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