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The first day.

First of all, if you listened to the show last night and IMed or called in, thanks! It was fun, and I might actually consider doing my own show sometime. Would any of you like that idea? If you missed the show, go here to listen to the recorded version. And you definitely should, because we might have talked about you. Or your mom!

Monday is a big day. It’s day one – when we see if it was all worth it – the relocation, the stress, the sadness, and the feelings of loneliness. Today, my company is getting a new salesperson. Sometimes I think about how I know it will be fine and that we’re going to kick ass, but it’s still crazy to think that this was all put in motion four months ago and that I am the reason that someone like her picked up her kids and family and moved halfway across the country. But that makes my stomach do little flips and twists, so I just swallow some Pepto Bismol and think about puppies and rainbows instead.

I like to tell her that the future success of my company is riding on her sales ability, and she nervously chuckles, but it’s all true. My expectations are reasonable, though. All I want is for my company to reach annual revenues over a million, an Internet presence on par with Youtube, and to sell my company within five years for at least 80-100 million dollars so that I can retire.

That’s not too much pressure, is it?

Well, if all else fails, she could make a living selling ice to Eskimos, heaters to Floridians, and car insurance to the blind. And I can always turn to male prostitution – I’m sure there are plenty of women around who would pay good money for some hot gorilla lovin’.

It will all be fine. This will be great! In a few short years, we will have experienced tremendous success, and these moments of insecurity and worry will be behind us. I absolutely know it.

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53 Replies to “The first day.”

  1. Wayne

    Maybe instead of prostitution, people can pay you to lose weight. They lock you in a room with them and you run around after them and they lose weight trying to stay away. You could charge a fortune!

  2. RW

    Speaking as a sales professional myself, and as someone who doesn’t get his checks signed by you, I only have one bit of advice; stay the hell out of her damn way!!

    And then you’ll be just fine.

  3. Avitable

    Britt, I was just thinking that you should bring me gifts instead.

    BPR, Hello Kitty is very calming. And orgasmic.

    Wayne, you may have a genius idea there.

    Shelli, oh, she’s definitely crazy.

    BD, I could be the next Don Imus!

    Mr. Fabulous, true, and I’m her biggest customer anyway.

    Angel, you listened but didn’t call in?

    RW, I plan on it.

    Turnbaby, snarkiness is fine. And welcomed!

    Jester, this may signal the oncoming armageddon, that’s for sure.

  4. metalmom

    I think you could have a future in radio (if last night’s show is any indication of what that would bring!)

    Good luck in your new ventures! Maybe when the money REALLY starts rolling in, you won’t forget all of your little minions! :clap:

  5. Avitable

    ADW, you wouldn’t want hot gorilla lovin’ for only fifty cents?

    MsFreud, fifty cents.

    Metalmom, I’ll never forget the little people.

    Britt, you can’t tell it’s Hello Kitty, though. The business end is up there doing its business!

    TrishK, how about a new pair for each sale? I could do that.

    Amy, I’d rather take those kinds of photos, though!

    Robin, would it be a pharmaceutical company?

    Poppy, you’re disturbed by optimism? Why?

    Crystal, but would it be Mr. FABULOUS? That’s the question.

  6. Angel

    Yes, I heard the show, but I didn’t call in because there is a maximum number of callers that can call in, and I think you were at your limit.

    I did want to call in, however. Also, I will call in to talk to Heather about Disney, Ohio State, and boobies! :boobs5:

  7. Poppy

    Does it not seem fake? I guess if you tell yourself things will be awesome then you make it happen. Or something? Oh, don’t pay attention to me. I have no freaking idea what I’m saying.

  8. Avitable

    Britt, and you wonder why I don’t sit on small barstools.

    Angel, oh – sorry that we were tying up the line!

    Poppy, I have no idea what you’re saying either.

    Robin, good point.

    ADW, sweet – my first customer!

  9. Angel

    You don’t have to apologize to me…it all really depends on how many callers there are on a given show. It was fun just listening in. 🙂 I’ll be sure to be one of the first callers when you do another show with Mr. Fab, or when you do your own show.

  10. Dragon

    Thanks to you I now know what a clevland steamer is. I could have gone my entire life without that piece of knowledge. What’s sadder is that people do this enough that there is a term for it. Very sad.

  11. Mike

    I’m 45 minutes in the show. Interesting! You should definitely do your own. Not that Mr. Fabulous is not… well… fabulous.

    Some students where I worked actually wrote a paper on the Hello Kitty vibrator a few years back. Things you can write about for a university degree. 😉

  12. Miss Britt

    Fucking Great. Thanks, Cathy. Way to ruin (or at least severely dampen) my argument that you don’t have to be a fucking moron to be insulted by the whole Hitler thing.

    And here I was SO close to having him see another perspective… *sigh*

  13. Avitable

    Angel, sweet!

    Britt, well, you asked me to put them in a safe place.

    Dragon, it’s important for every boy and girl to know about the birds, the bees, and the Cleveland Steamers.

    MsFreud, this is just my introductory pricing.

    Brandi, oh, we need it! And did you make sure to log back into Gravatar and activate it?

    Janelle, as long as she remembers who’s boss. (Her, of course).

    Mike, I once wrote a paper about the old monkey from the Lion King discussing religious movies, so I know what you mean.

    Cathy, well, I’m not in like with him. Oh, and there’s a toll for stupid cunts to post comments here. I’ll expect your payment in the mail. Gold krugerrands are fine.

    BPR, exactly!

    Britt, you weren’t that close, but this definitely ended the discussion.

    Oh, and Cathy’s email address is zombie_misfit2@yahoo.com if anyone wants to email her directly.

  14. Tug

    You & Britt will both do just awesome!! And we’ll be here reading the post when you sell the company & you both retire.

    In the meantime, how much is it for monkey love?

    just jokin’.

    really

    😉

    I’ll listen to the archives soon – that’s one show I really wanted to catch.

  15. Dave2

    Wait a second… all this time I thought you were making fun of Hitler! I mean the ice cream and everything certainly makes it LOOK like you’re making fun of Hitler! But now I learn you are a sick bastard who actually LIKES Hitler?!/ How could I have mis-read things so badly?

  16. Avitable

    Mike, I wish I still had it.

    RW, heh. I think she’s more a fan of Hirohito.

    Tug, monkey love is only fifty cents!

    Dave, and here I thought you were smart. Oh well, now you know the truth and it’s too late to do anything about it. Moohahahahaha!

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