Last night
I dream of toilets and peeing. I dream of oceans and fountains, and peeing in them. I keep having a recurring dream where I wake up, pee, and then go back to bed and then wake up and pee again.
Finally, I wake up. And guess what? I have to pee like a motherfucker.
I gracefully stumble to the bathroom, wearing nothing but underwear and a pair of socks.
I lift the toilet seat and face the toilet.
A stream of urine like none the world has ever seen shoots into the toilet. It takes all of the strength in my right hand to avoid spraying urine around the room like a fire hose.
I close my eyes. Enjoy the feeling. Say "Ahhhh..." in satisfaction of the simple things in life.
Suddenly, without warning, both of my feet begin to slide on the cold bathroom floor. In opposite directions.
Placing my left hand against the wall in an effort to prevent myself from doing what's called the "Urination Split" does absolutely nothing, and my downward trend continues.
Meanwhile, the stream is not abating. Urine continues to flow at an ungodly rate. I fear that I shall soon become desiccated and shrivel into a piece of Avitable jerky.
My feet separate further. I am now more than a foot closer to the ground. Before long I will be urinating directly onto the bathroom rug.
I close my eyes and clench. Not my fist or my foot but my penis. From the inside. And the urine stops. But much like the little boy who stuck his finger in the dike, I couldn't hold back for too long.
Using both hands, I push myself upright.
Quickly, I sit down on the toilet and resume peeing. It sounds like Niagara Falls.
My wife walks in, sees me sitting down to pee, and shakes her head as she walks away to use the other bathroom. I hear her mutter something about "such a girl" and "no balls".
I finish, flush, wash, and slink ashamedly to bed.
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
posted by 
filed under 
tagged 
so what will you say when i tell you i do not allow my boys to pee whilst standing?
Comments by bluepaintred
Great! Now I have to pee! And I WILL be sitting!
Comments by metalmom
The fact that your wife calls you a girl, yet she stays married to you, makes me wonder. ;)
Comments by Sheila
You do what you gotta do. Thanks for the good laugh. :)
Comments by yoshi
Sigh... boys... they nevah get over the pee and poop phase... in any way...
Comments by DutchBitch
Oh dear. I hate that. As soon as I see a toilet in a dream, my brain snaps me awake so fast that I get mental whiplash.
Comments by Phishez
My son was not allowed to pee standing up for a month... I got tired of cleaning the miss marks off the floor... I don;t think it had anything to do with splits- just too lazy to aim correctly.
Comments by MsFreud
Eh, don't feel bad. My first live-in boyfriend sat down to pee ALL of the time. I never knew this until we had already signed a lease together. Sex was never the same after that. There's just something so wrong about a man sitting down to pee.
Comments by DeniseTN
You don't close the door when you go to the bathroom?
Umm...I might not be able to make to the Halloween party after all, if that's the rule of the house.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Stopping pee mid-stream without effort is the one advantage we ladies have over you. Well that, and we get to touch boobies anytime we want.
Comments by DaisyJo
You crack me up (no pun intended!!lol).
Comments by mary
LOL at Dutchy
Why do you wear socks to bed in the summer?
Comments by Turnbaby
This is so disturbing to me on so many levels. I can't believe I work for a man who is incapable of keeping himself upright in the bathroom.
Although, the fact that you can't keep your legs together shouldn't surprise me. Whore.
Comments by Miss Britt
I don't believe this story. Amy would never wake up in the middle of the night for any reason.
Comments by Poppy
BPR, you don't? Well, with the overpowering female influence from you as a mother, they're going to be emasculated anyway, so there's no point in mitigating it.
Metalmom, I'm glad that you don't pee standing up.
Sheila, she's a kind soul, isn't she?
Yoshi, thanks for the comment.
DB, it's a way of life!
Phishez, I hate dreaming of peeing, too.
MsFreud, age has nothing to do with it - grown men spray, too.
Denise, you're back! And yes, there is something very wrong about that.
Mr. Fabulous, we took all the doors off of the bathrooms.
DaisyJo, oh, I stopped in mid-stream. And I just touch Britt's boobs if I need a fix.
Mary, I'm quite the pisser!
Turnbaby, I wear socks when I wear shoes. So when I come home and kick my shoes off, the socks stay on. Then I work until I fall asleep at my desk and stumble to bed. It's too much effort to take the socks off.
Britt, my legs have a mind of their own. But stop looking at my balls!
Poppy, she's like clockwork with the waking up in the middle of the night.
Comments by Avitable
What time?
Comments by Poppy
I'm usually asleep, but I always hear her.
Comments by Avitable
You really are quite accident prone, aren't you.
Comments by Trish
then stop sending me the pictures!
Comments by Miss Britt
Cute. But Bossy dreams she is napping.
Comments by BOSSY
That's is so sweet. :) (Not joking.)
I always hear myself when I get up to pee. Is that sweet?
Comments by Poppy
Thanks for the laugh!
Comments by themuttprincess
LMMFAO!! I agree with Britt. You can't keep your legs closed. You really need to work on that.
Comments by Angel
I once had an new-ish boyfriend who explained to me how his Mama had taught him to sit down and pee so it wouldn't splash.
He was quite proud of this.
Yeah, I totally dumped his ass. Weird guy.
Comments by J.
Trish, yes I am. It's the price to pay with having an enormous IQ.
Britt, stop looking under my desk!
Bossy, napping with me? Does Bossy have sex dreams about Avitable?
Poppy, it's probably a bit tart and maybe sour.
TMP, :D
Angel, I can't help being a whore. It's my nature.
J, that is fucking bizarre!
Comments by Avitable
Yah, I don't need to hear about that, thanks. You should keep what goes on in your bedroom to yourself.
Comments by Poppy
Poppy, that reminds me... I snuck back to the bedroom the other day and got some great photos of the swing in there. I was going to email them to you - but, well, if you don't want to know...
Comments by Miss Britt
Britt, so you're saying Avi had a playground swing in his bathroom?
Comments by Poppy
This was so embarrassing that you had to slink back to bed out of shame?
Yet, you bring this shame to us anyway.
I'm glad it turned out the way it did because I was certain that I was going to have to read, in great detail, about how you slipped fell flat on your back and peed in your own face.
Comments by Amy
This happened and you didn't get urine all over the place?
I am impressed!
Comments by Lynda
Comments by themuttprincess
Hahahahahahahah.
Girly man.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Well... since you didn't spill any... at least it was good 'til the last drop.
Comments by NYCWD
Yum, Avitable jerky. Anyway, yeah I had a boyfriend who peed sitting down. He also threw up every morning like a pregnant woman.
Comments by The Mahogany Flower
This is exactly why I had a floor drain installed in the master bath. Now I don't even attempt to aim for the bowl.
Comments by Jay
Poppy, I don't keep what goes on in any room to myself!
Miss Britt, that was your bedroom, because your swing is next to the stripper pole and the butt plug.
Amy, well, here, I'm anonymous and nobody knows that I'm Adam Avitable of Altamonte Springs, Florida.
Lynda, didn't spill a drop.
TMP,
Tracy, you probably fucking pee standing up, don't you?
NYCWD, exactly!
Mahogany, was he a straight man?
Jay, that is fucking brilliant.
Comments by Avitable
Pfft. There would be no room for a swing in my room - what with the shoes and jewelry box and stack of midget porn.
Comments by Miss Britt
Comments by themuttprincess
why didn't you just stick your toenails/claws in the floor?
;-)
Comments by Mike
I can always count on a good laugh when I come here - thanks!!
My son sits while peeing - I dont' know if its lazyness or that he just got sick of me being on him for not aiming properly. lol
Comments by Cheri
I have mad skillz you've never even DREAMED of, little gorilla girl.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Everybody at work thinks you're a girl.
Comments by Clown
Miss Britt, the midget porn is taller than you, ya fuckin' midget.
TMP, you win!
Mike, I had socks on!
Cheri, don't make your son pee sitting down!
Tracy, I knew it!
Clown, well, I'm going to go cry and listen to dreamy Justin Timberlake until I feel better.
Comments by Avitable
What the hell? JT rocks! He's bringing sexy back!
Comments by Poppy
He already brought sexy back.
He also brought herpes with.
Comments by Clown
It is worse waking up in the middle of the night to pee when you also have a raging hard-on, then you have to sit to pee or the bathroom gets hosed!
Comments by Michael
At least he was thoughtful and brought a gift!
Comments by Poppy
You know what? Sometimes I think we've gotten too close. lol
Comments by Dragon
I wish I could remember my dreams.
Comments by Robin
Wow, those are some freakishly strong socks, man. I've seen pictures of your claws, no sock made on Earth could keep them confined.
Think about it: If your balls can tear through your manties...
(I think I gave you enough for a funny comeback, yes?)
:-)
Comments by Mike
Oh .. those compromising positions.
Comments by e.Craig
Seriously, you wear SOCKS to bed? In FLORIDA?? Holy hell...
Comments by Tug
Poppy, he sounds like a higher-pitched Michael Jackson - ugh.
Clown, he brought stinky back, too.
Michael, I just pee in the tub in that case.
Dragon, oh, we haven't even gotten to TMI land.
Robin, they're probably all about me.
Mike, nice setup!
e.Craig, yup. Not as bad as being caught naked, having sex with the pool pump, but close.
Tug, yes - I don't believe in wearing sandals of any kind.
Comments by Avitable
Avi, so do you.
Comments by Poppy
Hah!
Comments by Avitable
But socks - to BED.
Comments by Tug
You're probably right...I'm sure I'm block them out.
Comments by Robin
Hmm...a man peeing while sitting down.
That's a sight I've never seen nor imagined.
Comments by Mistress
Tug, I'm too lazy at night to take them off.
Robin, but you still wake up with your pants all sticky, right?
Mistress, I had to do it - I had no choice!
Comments by Avitable
lolz! funny as hell man!
Comments by the_boy_blunder