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Last night

I dream of toilets and peeing. I dream of oceans and fountains, and peeing in them. I keep having a recurring dream where I wake up, pee, and then go back to bed and then wake up and pee again.

Finally, I wake up. And guess what? I have to pee like a motherfucker.

I gracefully stumble to the bathroom, wearing nothing but underwear and a pair of socks.

I lift the toilet seat and face the toilet.

A stream of urine like none the world has ever seen shoots into the toilet. It takes all of the strength in my right hand to avoid spraying urine around the room like a fire hose.

I close my eyes. Enjoy the feeling. Say “Ahhhh…” in satisfaction of the simple things in life.

Suddenly, without warning, both of my feet begin to slide on the cold bathroom floor. In opposite directions.

Placing my left hand against the wall in an effort to prevent myself from doing what’s called the “Urination Split” does absolutely nothing, and my downward trend continues.

Meanwhile, the stream is not abating. Urine continues to flow at an ungodly rate. I fear that I shall soon become desiccated and shrivel into a piece of Avitable jerky.

My feet separate further. I am now more than a foot closer to the ground. Before long I will be urinating directly onto the bathroom rug.

I close my eyes and clench. Not my fist or my foot but my penis. From the inside. And the urine stops. But much like the little boy who stuck his finger in the dike, I couldn’t hold back for too long.

Using both hands, I push myself upright.

Quickly, I sit down on the toilet and resume peeing. It sounds like Niagara Falls.

My wife walks in, sees me sitting down to pee, and shakes her head as she walks away to use the other bathroom. I hear her mutter something about “such a girl” and “no balls”.

I finish, flush, wash, and slink ashamedly to bed.

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60 Replies to “Futile”

  1. DeniseTN

    Eh, don’t feel bad. My first live-in boyfriend sat down to pee ALL of the time. I never knew this until we had already signed a lease together. Sex was never the same after that. There’s just something so wrong about a man sitting down to pee. :lmao:

  2. Miss Britt

    This is so disturbing to me on so many levels. I can’t believe I work for a man who is incapable of keeping himself upright in the bathroom.

    Although, the fact that you can’t keep your legs together shouldn’t surprise me. Whore.

  3. Avitable

    BPR, you don’t? Well, with the overpowering female influence from you as a mother, they’re going to be emasculated anyway, so there’s no point in mitigating it.

    Metalmom, I’m glad that you don’t pee standing up.

    Sheila, she’s a kind soul, isn’t she?

    Yoshi, thanks for the comment.

    DB, it’s a way of life!

    Phishez, I hate dreaming of peeing, too.

    MsFreud, age has nothing to do with it – grown men spray, too.

    Denise, you’re back! And yes, there is something very wrong about that.

    Mr. Fabulous, we took all the doors off of the bathrooms.

    DaisyJo, oh, I stopped in mid-stream. And I just touch Britt’s boobs if I need a fix.

    Mary, I’m quite the pisser!

    Turnbaby, I wear socks when I wear shoes. So when I come home and kick my shoes off, the socks stay on. Then I work until I fall asleep at my desk and stumble to bed. It’s too much effort to take the socks off.

    Britt, my legs have a mind of their own. But stop looking at my balls!

    Poppy, she’s like clockwork with the waking up in the middle of the night.

  4. J.

    I once had an new-ish boyfriend who explained to me how his Mama had taught him to sit down and pee so it wouldn’t splash.
    He was quite proud of this.
    Yeah, I totally dumped his ass. Weird guy.

  5. Avitable

    Trish, yes I am. It’s the price to pay with having an enormous IQ.

    Britt, stop looking under my desk!

    Bossy, napping with me? Does Bossy have sex dreams about Avitable?

    Poppy, it’s probably a bit tart and maybe sour.

    TMP, 😀

    Angel, I can’t help being a whore. It’s my nature.

    J, that is fucking bizarre!

  6. Amy

    This was so embarrassing that you had to slink back to bed out of shame?

    Yet, you bring this shame to us anyway.

    I’m glad it turned out the way it did because I was certain that I was going to have to read, in great detail, about how you slipped fell flat on your back and peed in your own face.

  7. Avitable

    Poppy, I don’t keep what goes on in any room to myself!

    Miss Britt, that was your bedroom, because your swing is next to the stripper pole and the butt plug.

    Amy, well, here, I’m anonymous and nobody knows that I’m Adam Avitable of Altamonte Springs, Florida.

    Lynda, didn’t spill a drop.

    TMP, 😛

    Tracy, you probably fucking pee standing up, don’t you?

    NYCWD, exactly!

    Mahogany, was he a straight man?

    Jay, that is fucking brilliant.

  8. Cheri

    I can always count on a good laugh when I come here – thanks!!
    My son sits while peeing – I dont’ know if its lazyness or that he just got sick of me being on him for not aiming properly. lol

  9. Avitable

    Miss Britt, the midget porn is taller than you, ya fuckin’ midget.

    TMP, you win!

    Mike, I had socks on!

    Cheri, don’t make your son pee sitting down!

    Tracy, I knew it!

    Clown, well, I’m going to go cry and listen to dreamy Justin Timberlake until I feel better.

  10. Mike

    Wow, those are some freakishly strong socks, man. I’ve seen pictures of your claws, no sock made on Earth could keep them confined.

    Think about it: If your balls can tear through your manties…

    (I think I gave you enough for a funny comeback, yes?)


  11. Avitable

    Poppy, he sounds like a higher-pitched Michael Jackson – ugh.

    Clown, he brought stinky back, too.

    Michael, I just pee in the tub in that case.

    Dragon, oh, we haven’t even gotten to TMI land.

    Robin, they’re probably all about me.

    Mike, nice setup!

    e.Craig, yup. Not as bad as being caught naked, having sex with the pool pump, but close.

    Tug, yes – I don’t believe in wearing sandals of any kind.

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