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Lazy Sunday V

1. Talk to a jerk today?
Nope. Just this guy named Navin R. Johnson.

2. Do you like anyone?
Well, Billy’s dreamy, don’t you think?

4. Can you do a cartwheel?
I just tried. Broke three chairs, a window, and four ribs. And apparently, I broke #3.

6. Have any dreams?
I dreamt there was a 5.

7. Do you regret something you did yesterday?
I was walking down the street and a little old lady stopped me and asked me for help crossing the street. I picked her up and hurled her into the middle of the intersection where she unfortunately got hit by a truck. I wish that I had another chance. I would have taken her wallet first.

8. Are you allergic to anything?
When I get ejaculate in my eye, I start sneezing.

9. Have you ever been tubing?
Is that where you stick a tube in your butt and fill it with warm soapy water and try to hold it in for a while? If so, yes.

10. What’s your favorite season?
I’m in Florida. We don’t have seasons here.

11. Do you own a guitar?
Replace “own” with “understand” and “a guitar” with “ancient Sumerian”, and the answer is no.

12. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
I have not. Although I like to stick my head out of my window and yell “Wee-oo Wee-oo” and weave through traffic.

13. Favorite Sport to watch?
Women’s Billiards. (You think I’m joking, too).

14. Do you have a piggy bank shaped like a pig?
I do. It was given to my parents before I was born as a gift for me, and I still have it. It’s made of some type of tarnished coppery metal and it has my name engraved on the bottom. I will treasure it forever, or as long as it takes for me to figure out if it’s worth something as an antique and sell it.

15. Favorite sport to play?
Truth or Dare. Especially when I find a group of high school girls, buy them alcohol, and get them playing.

16. Have you been in love?
To blave?

17. Do you shower facing the shower head or with your back?
I usually detach the shower head and point it towards my crotch.

18. Do you like monopoly?
Like, the game Monopoly? But it’s lowercase, so I’m assuming you mean a persistent market situation where there is only one provider of a kind of product or service. I love monopoly!

19. What are you wearing?
A coat made from the pelts of fourteen cats. And a cock ring.

20. What is the closest object to your left?
The closest object to my left hand? The inside of my left thigh.

21. Do you like school?
I like school girls, does that count?

22. How many windows are open on your computer?
One browser with fourteen tabs. All porn. Six other windows. All porn, as well.

23. Where is your computer?
Why? Do you want to steal my porn or something?

24. What kind of cell phone do you have?
Why? Do you want to steal my porn texts or something?

25. What are the colors of your walls?
A relaxing blue.

29. Do you own an MP3 player?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO 26, 27, AND 28? OMG SHOULD WE SEND OUT A SEARCH PARTY?

30. How many songs are on it?
Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive numbers have been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitives’ names are 26, 27, and 28. Go get them.

31. Have you been outside your house yet today?
I haven’t left my house in 348 days.

32. What is the last movie you saw in theaters?
I caught the 2 AM showing of Booty Pirates of the Crotchribbean. It’s a great adult film starring Orlando Bloomer and Johnny Deep, with Keira Nutley.

33. Did you like it?
I came, I saw, I came.

34. What are you doing today?
I’m still on the hunt for our missing numbers. I have hope that we’ll find them alive.

35. What are you doing tomorrow?
I am meeting with some top officials of the 2007 Avitable Halloween Party Planning Committee to start getting ready for the biggest party of the year.

36. Are your parents still together?
You mean glued together? From the Gluelube! I gave them for their anniversary? Probably.

ARE YOU:

A Daydreamer: Ooh . . . sunbeams!
Sarcastic: Me? Noooo. Why would you think that? You’re smart, aren’t you? Your mom must be real proud.
Shy: /looks away
Talkative: Well I wouldn’t say I’m talkative but if there’s a subject that I like to discuss and I have an important opinion on I will talk about it for hours until the listener’s ears bleed.

LAST PERSON THAT:

Slept in your bed: Our pool boy, Pablo, was showing my wife something that he needed to go into the bedroom for. And shut the door. When I went in a few minutes later, my wife said he was just taking a quick nap.
Went to a playground with you: Just me and my trusty handpuppet Elmo. Perfect way to pick up kids girls.
You talked on the phone with: Mistress Monique, from 1-888-TSGIRLS. I asked what “TS” stood for, but she just laughed with that husky voice that’s so hawt. And it’s only 6.99 per minute!
Text Messaged you: I’m sorry, but text messaging is for losers and children.

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28 Replies to “Lazy Sunday V”

  1. Amy

    The Jerk, The Princess Bride, and The Fugitive? That’s a pretty schizophrenic way to spend an evening. Were you over at Britt’s house again? Nah, that couldn’t be it, because then you would have had to sit through The Godfather and Steel Magnolias.

  2. Avitable

    Mike, that was fucking awesome. Everybody go check out Mike’s blog. He used my answers but wrote his own questions. Hilarious!

    Poppy, ooh, I meant to say awesome people and hotties.

    Sheila, 3 and 5 were found dead in a well.

    Mr. Fabulous, you’re a whore, remember?

    Britt, I think his phone is just two cups attached to some string.

    Lisa, my mind actually has curative properties.

    Cap, it’s like the news – they only do a story if it’s a white blonde cute girl missing.

    Heather, I meant to type that it’s for gorgeous redheads!

    TrishK, oh, is BPR a fan of pussy?

    Metalmom, I’ll just have to find his name in the phone book.

    Amy, I’m glad somebody caught all of those.

    Andre, yes, how did you know? Do you suffer from it too?

    TMP, nope. They are currently fugitives from justice.

    Tracy, I’d rather be friends than enemas.

    Robin, was there perviness in there? I was going for creepiness.

  3. Avitable

    Poppy, well, Fab is an awesome hottie.

    Peggy, nice Gravatar!

    Robin, good – gotta make sure the creepy comes through.

    Mistress, all you need to know is that his penis is apparently 18 inches long.

    Tug, jizz sneezing is a very important allergy.

    Mike, sweet.

    Dawn, I try my best. And we found 26, 27, and 28 in the woods, eaten by wolves.

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