If we eat dinner beyond a bowl of cereal or cheese and crackers, we will go out to a local restaurant. And while we have much in common, our differences are the clearest when we go out to eat:
My wife is a vegetarian.
I am a vegiphobe.
"I'll have the chicken caesar salad, with no chicken. There's no other meat on there, right?" asks my wife.
"I'll have a bacon cheeseburger, no vegetables. That's right, no pickle, no onion, no lettuce, no tomato." I say forcefully.
She'll have a glass or two of wine, or maybe a margarita. Or a beer, if it's that type of restaurant.
I'll have fourteen Diet Cokes that I drink so quickly the waiter will usually just bring a pitcher or bring them two or three at a time.
She takes small, measured bites and uses her fork and knife.
I use my hands and take bites that would choke a horse.
She's well-dressed and very fashionable. She flies out to Los Angeles once a year to do her shopping for the seasons and buys only designer clothing. She has trendy glasses that cost $1500. She looks like a professional.
I'm wearing a black buttoned shirt and black shorts, except the blacks are different shades. I have black sneakers on with red shoelaces. I have a week's growth of beard. I definitely don't look like a lawyer, much less a CEO.
She's supermodel thin and almost six feet tall.
I'm six feet tall but an 800-pound gorilla. My knuckles almost drag on the ground.
She is demure and polite, and while she has no problem using bad language (and is, in fact, quite adept at it), she is also discreet.
I sometimes belch, and if I spill something on my arm, I'll lick it off. I also like to throw around profanity just to frighten the small children seated around me.
Even with all of these clearly disparate elements, it amazes me when the waiter invariably hands me the check. Are they so blind that they don't see that a professional woman is taking pity on a homeless man by taking him out for a warm meal before he dies in the street? Or is sexism so firmly entrenched that they still can't help asking the man to pay for dinner, even if he looks crazier than the Republican National Convention?
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You can't fool waiters: they recognize your designer diamond-tipped shoelaces a mile away.
Plus, you still have ways to go before you look crazier than the Republican National Convention. They lick stuff from each other's arms, you know. Compared to them, you're gently eccentric. At best. ;-)
Comments by Mike
Awww... she completes you!
Either that, or you have somehow brainwashed her into marrying you.
In which case I'd like to know your secret brain-washing techniques.
Comments by Dave2
Heh. Mrs. Fab usually gets the check when we go out. They're no fool.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
... but your amusement value is priceless!
Comments by AnnieB
You know, now that you mention it, I don't ever hear you swear. Ever.
Except when you call me a fucker.
But otherwise, you don't ever insert swear words and shit casually into conversation.
OMG. You're such a fraud!!
Comments by Miss Britt
The psychology works like this - you look like you have so much money you don't care what you look like. So people automatically figure you're stinking rich because, hell, people who aren't rich are usually the ones who have gone over the top. So, since you look like a gorilla and you have a princess along with you + you look like you have so much money you don't care what other people think of your red shoe laces = checks will just gravitate to you from your servers.
But if you really didn't want to be handed the check you need to have your wife hold you at the end of a collar and lead and you should just drool a lot. The check will pass you every time and - Jesus - that wouldn't be much of a real stretch now would it?
Comments by RW
It's this.
Comments by Turnbaby
Oh, and on the whole sexism thing.
I always get the check.
Always.
Even if it's just me and the husband in an upscale restaurant, I get the check.
And even though we BOTH have our own debit cards that take money from the EXACT same account, he ALWAYS expects me to "pay".
*sigh*
I think I suffer from Hillary Syndrome.
Comments by Miss Britt
This may shock you Ahpoo, but did you know that most meat comes from animals that (gasp) once ate vegetables? In fact, most meat comes from vegetarians! You're eating refined grass!
Comments by Wayne
Mike, well, I'm okay with not being quite as eccentric as them.
Dave, she thinks I'm funny. That's all that matters!
Mr. Fabulous, yeah, I can see that. She's cleary in charge there.
AnnieB, next time I'll try pushing a shopping cart into the restaurant with us.
Britt, I call you a fucker a lot. And I do swear all the time - just not around your kids, because I'd like to keep my balls.
RW, that must be it. And now, that's not a real stretch - the leash comes out next time we go out!
Turnbaby, yeah, I don't think it is. I really think it's just the dominant person at the table - the one who always takes charge. Either that, or waiters think Britt has a penis. Not that I'm not sure she doesn't somewhere . . .
Wayne, the vegetables are once removed, so it's okay.
Comments by Avitable
Hmmm then the waiters must not be that bright;-)
And I am certain Britt's balls are what's confusing them hehehe
Comments by Turnbaby
No, you don't. You use the word "fucker" or "fuckers" - but that's it.
Which is odd. Most people who rarely swear NEVER use the F-bomb. And yet that's all you use... and even that is sparingly.
Face it. You're a prudish little fairy in "real life".
Comments by Miss Britt
When my BF and I go out, even if I am the one asking for the check, they seem to always give it to him as well..... (not that I am complaining)
Comments by themuttprincess
Looking homeless is in style now.
Comments by Robin
My hubby always gets the check though he always hands it right over to me to pay.
You know I cuss like a sailor, at least I've always said so. However I use the F word more than any other. So maybe I just cuss like a sailor who hasn't had shore leave.
Comments by Fogspinner
You use your hands?
For cheeseburgers and fries, that's it.
Of course, not eating other things with your hands isn't about good manners but instead it's you being a baby.
Comments by Clown
Clown, and his irrational fear of getting dirty.
"OH my god, Oh my god, CHICKEN WINGS?!?! But I could get SAUCE on my HANDS!!!!"
I actually watched him cry the other day when a waiter brought him a large pita that wasn't wrapped properly.
Comments by Miss Britt
You're not so bad. You might drag your knuckles on the ground but at least you don't throw around your own feces. Right?
Comments by Dragon
I've heard you swear, but then again that might have just been for show. I tend to believe Britt on this topic.
My theory is that restaurant people hand the check to the guy (the oldest guy if there's more than one guy) because that's what they're instructed to do. No more thought to it than that.
But, this was a beautiful post. You should post more about Amy.
Comments by Poppy
You don't swear?
Hmmm. That shows a decided lack of vocabulary skills, in my opinion.
Now I am puzzled.
Comments by Britt's mom
Turnbaby, well, I don't think most people turn down MIT to go become waiters.
Britt, I'm realizing now that you just don't listen to me at all. I'm so hurt. *sob*
TMP, do you ask for the check but then subtlely point at your boyfriend?
Robin, well, sweet. I'm en vogue!
Fogspinner, the fucking f-word is better than other profanity.
Clown, it's creepy!
Britt, they should have wrapped the bottom. It was hard to eat otherwise.
Dragon, I don't touch poop. EW! I won't even touch dirt.
Poppy, Britt's a filthy whore of a liar.
Comments by Avitable
And why does my avitar on here look like you? That disturbs me - not that I'm going to use the boobies ones. Yuuuuccccckkkkkkkk.
Comments by Britt's mom
So are you, ergo I'm choosing to believe her over you. ;)
Comments by Poppy
I believe it, Britt
Sadly, I think he would rather starve than eat something messy with his fingers.
I'll eat wings in front of him just to make his skin crawl.
Comments by Clown
Mom, Britt just doesn't listen to me, that's what it is. And I use a website called Gravatar.com where you can choose your own Gravatar. Otherwise, you have to be me!
Poppy, she's a ditzy blonde, though.
Clown, fucker.
Comments by Avitable
Hmmmm...interesting.
My husband is a food vacuum cleaner. I think they give him the check because he finished eating a half hour ago while I am still chewing my food.
Comments by Lynda
Come to think of it... they always set the check in between us. As if they are going to let us fight it out.
I'm not sure what this implies.
Comments by Amy
You're a ditzy blond too, just the Italian version.
Comments by Poppy
My mom is commenting on Avitable's blog.
People, take cover. Surely the apocalypse is near...
(P.S. I don't use the boobie smilies either mom. ;-))
Comments by Miss Britt
Poppy - for the record, I am not a liar. I am a dirty, dirty whore and an evil, selfish person.
But I do not lie.
Seriously.
Ergo, you are right, as usual, in choosing to believe me.
Comments by Miss Britt
Britt, I knew it. He gets so confused that sometimes he projects his own character traits onto you. Sad.
Comments by Poppy
Carnivores usually pick up the tab.
Comments by BOSSY
I think the waiter is just using logic-
You're the one that ate the most food.
Comments by annie
Lynda, that's a good point, too.
Amy, they're definitely looking for a fight.
Poppy, I'm not ditzy!
Britt, you are the bomb and I love you. More than anyone. Except Amy.
Bossy, I'd think they'd want to keep their hands away from the meat eater.
Annie, that's true, too!
Comments by Avitable
No silly, they look at you and assume that you MUST be absolutely loaded to keep a catch like that around.
Comments by psychobabble
Even though you are a freak of the highest caliber, I am pleased to see that you recognize that vegetables are what food eats.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
"Mr. Avitable", I suspect that the waiters all stand in the back, look at your table and dare your waiter to have the nerve to hand the check to you. Maybe they are waiting to see if you have an attack of some sort?
Hi Miss Britt's mom!!
Comments by Trish
Gee and all this time I thought they were all just like 'Diane' from Cheers ;-p
Comments by Turnbaby
Yeah, you can bus a few tables for leftovers as you're leaving.
Comments by AnnieB
Last Wednesday Matt and I went to the grocery store *I realize you do not know who Matt is but I am ok with that*. I was the one to unload the cart. I also was the one who paid the cashier in cash. I literally handed her money. She handed the change to Matt. I reached for it before it could get in his hand and she makes a sarcastic remark about "oh I guess it all goes to HER huh" *snicker snicker*
I really want to disect her brain, find that part that holds all of her stupid ass morals and set it on fire.
Comments by Brandi
I am the loud mouth. I ask for the check (because we are obviously done eating) and usually assume the would hand it to me (not that I want it, but still) and it does not matter if it is a waiter or waitress.... They hand it or set it down on his side of the table.
Comments by themuttprincess
Psychobabble, you and RW are on the same page, and right, I think.
Tracy, damn straight, fucker.
Trish, ooh, enough with the "Mr. Avitable"!
Turnbaby, no, that's what strippers are like.
AnnieB, and maybe get some spare change.
Brandi, oh, that is obnoxious!
TMP, you must look like a spoiled princess!
Comments by Avitable
I expect them to give the bill to my husband. I think I would get upset if they gave it to me.
Does that make me weird?
Comments by bluepaintred
Unless I intend to pay, I stare off into the distance. (like you would imagine Luna Lovegood to do) They would have to staple the check to my face if they would like any acknowledgment from me.
Comments by Brandi
BPR, yes.
Brandi, Harry Potter reference, eh? Hm.
Comments by Avitable
Dood,
you are so huge and scary that they have no choice but to hand you the check.
Who cares if they offend the person who won't eat them with as much ease as one who eats the burger in one bite?
See..?
Its hard... i know.
Comments by eatshit
Probably. That would explain A LOT of things that happen in my life.
Comments by themuttprincess
After a meal your size... the diet Coke HAS to just be for the taste.
Sadly... or maybe not... I feel you on that.
Comments by NYCWD
Eatshit, it's always hard.
TMP, :D
NYCWD, hell yeah. Although I figure that it's also better for me not to have that extra 1200-1500 calories.
Comments by Avitable
My husband is an atheist and I'm one of those born-again types. We should go to dinner sometime.
Comments by Kristi
Well, they always give the oldest person at the table to guest check. I think they're taught that. Maybe you just look really, really old.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
Hey Adam - you don't know me from..heh Adam and neither does Mist but I wanted to be sure everything was cool with her.
It is yes?
Comments by ScottsdaleGirl
Maybe he was scared of her
Comments by Lorraine
Kristi, ooh! Can we invite my Jewish/Muslim couple friend too?
KG, well, that probably is it. I do look older than her, even though she's the old lady in actuality.
Scottsdale Girl, she is fine. I've been in touch with her. She's just taking a break from the Internet.
Lorraine, that is a good point. She is a vicious lawyer!
Comments by Avitable
As they should! Besides, servers can recognize an expensive hair cut and professional shave a mile away- you're not fooling anyone ; )
BTW- I know you're probably just using the chicken caesar salad as an example, but just in case not- I do hope your wife knows that Caesar salad is usually made with anchovies...
Comments by cat
Awww I didn't know your wife was a vegan!
I guess what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat said all those years ago was true...
Opposites Attract.
It ain't fiction, just a natural fact.
Comments by Mistress
Cat, I was just using that as an example, and I had no idea!
Mistress, she's not. Just a vegetarian.
Comments by Avitable