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It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad lib.

Thanks to everyone who submitted their entries for my Mad Lib contest! An unintended result of this contest was that it became a bizarre experiment in groupthink. The 26 responses I got were highly varied, but, more interestingly, they had some surprising similarities. I thought I’d break that down for you first, before getting to the winning entry.

  • For color, 4 people chose “chartreuse”, 2 chose “fuchsia” (neither spelled it correctly), and 2 chose “purple”.
  • For sexual position, 8 people chose “reverse cowgirl” or some variation, 3 chose “69”, and 2 thought that “The Perfumed Garden” was a sexual position. It’s actually a collection of different sexual positions.
  • For cute name for someone or something, 3 people chose “Shnookums”, 3 chose “Pumpkin”, and 2 chose “Pookie”.
  • For type of liquid, 3 people chose some type of milk, 2 chose “syrup”, and 2 chose “vinegar”. Only 1 chose “semen” (well, actually, they said “spooge”.
  • For type of taste, 5 people chose “tangy”, and 2 each chose “pungent”, “lemony”, or “minty”.
  • For type of fruit or vegetable, 6 people chose “kumquat”, 4 people chose “eggplant”, and one genius chose “vegetable juice”.
  • For orifice (this was the most interesting one), 11 people chose “ear”! 6 chose “nostril”, 3 chose “navel”, and I contend that the belly button is not an orifice. 2 chose some “rectum” in some form, 1 chose “colostoma”, 1 chose “dickbox”, 1 chose “blow hole”, and 1 chose “pie hole”. I’m fascinated by the fact that only one person chose mouth and so many people chose ear, all independent of each other.

Anyways, on to the good stuff!

A while back, I asked people for topics they’d like me to discuss. Someone mentioned my first sexual experience, so I thought that would be a good story. However, while writing it, I was struck by the idea that using a Mad Libs approach would be a great way to tell the story and make it funnier. And that’s what I did.

It was hard to choose the winner. The first thing I did was remove the names and paste each person’s entry into an Excel sheet with a number assigned to them. That way I could avoid accusations of favoritism. Then, I went through each one and read the story aloud with their choices inserted, and many of them made me laugh out loud. I eliminated the ones who didn’t follow the instructions by not answering all of them, or by not knowing what a gerund or a noun is, and still had too many good ones.

Finally, after much hemming and hawing, I narrowed it down to three winners. I can’t choose between them, so I’m posting them all. And here you go!

WINNER #1: M from Redrighthand.net

My first sexual experience

When I turned 16, my friends decided that it was about time that I got laid. “We’re getting you a HUBCAP“, they said, “and we’ll pay for it.”

Being a PUNGENT virginal teen, I QUEEFED loudly. “SPITTING for sex is not something that I have any interest in. That’s FRIGID!” My face turned CHARTREUSE.

“But Adam,” they said, “don’t be such an INTESTINE. I bet she’d even do you REVERSE COWGIRL. No arguments!”

And with her address written down on a card in my trembling, sweaty hand, I was off to WALLA WALLA to have sex with a hooker. While I drove there, I remember very clearly that UNION OF THE SNAKE was playing on the radio. Once I arrived, I climbed out the car, and approached the door of the seedy hotel. I was so nervous that my VESTIGIAL TAIL was shaking like crazy.

Before I could CHOP on the door, it swung open and a shadowy figure beckoned. “You must be Adam,” she cooed, “Come over here, CHUMLY, and let me see you.”

EXPEDITIOUSLY, I walked over to the bed. Before I could even EXCRETE, the woman had ripped off my clothes and thrown me on the bed. She mounted me and I was being molested by her vagina in an instant.

UNNGGGHH,” she caterwauled like some type of KOMODO DRAGON, bouncing up and down and up and down. This went on for a good 12 seconds before she jumped off right as my penis shot forth what seemed like several gallons of PURELL. She stuck a finger in the mess, put her finger in her mouth, and said “Ooh, that’s TRASHY. You should drink more SQUASH juice, stud.”

Still shrouded in darkness, she reached for the light. “Come back again, stud, and I’ll let you put it in my EAR CANAL.” As the light clicked on, I gasped in horror. To this day, I’ll never forget her misshapen football-sized head, uneven eyes, little wiggly ears, and small, solitary tuft of hair on the top of her head. And I’ll never forgive my friends for making it so that every time I see Sloth from THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD, I get an erection.

WINNER #2: Britt

My first sexual experience

When I turned 16, my friends decided that it was about time that I got laid. “We’re getting you an IMPLANT“, they said, “and we’ll pay for it.”

Being a FURRY virginal teen, I ENVELOPED loudly. “PROSTRATING for sex is not something that I have any interest in. That’s SMOOTH!” My face turned PURPLE.

“But Adam,” they said, “don’t be such a STILETTO. I bet she’d even do you MISSIONARY. No arguments!”

And with her address written down on a card in my trembling, sweaty hand, I was off to BALLY’S TOTAL FITNESS to have sex with a hooker. While I drove there, I remember very clearly that BARBIE GIRL was playing on the radio. Once I arrived, I climbed out the car, and approached the door of the seedy hotel. I was so nervous that my NAVEL was shaking like crazy.

Before I could SWING on the door, it swung open and a shadowy figure beckoned. “You must be Adam,” she cooed, “Come over here, BINKLES, and let me see you.”

LOUDLY, I walked over to the bed. Before I could even WHISPER, the woman had ripped off my clothes and thrown me on the bed. She mounted me and I was being molested by her vagina in an instant.

MMMMMMMMM,” she caterwauled like some type of CHEETAH, bouncing up and down and up and down. This went on for a good 12 seconds before she jumped off right as my penis shot forth what seemed like several gallons of DIET COKE WITH LIME. She stuck a finger in the mess, put her finger in her mouth, and said “Ooh, that’s SPICY. You should drink more CARROT juice, stud.”

Still shrouded in darkness, she reached for the light. “Come back again, stud, and I’ll let you put it in my EAR.” As the light clicked on, I gasped in horror. To this day, I’ll never forget her misshapen football-sized head, uneven eyes, little wiggly ears, and small, solitary tuft of hair on the top of her head. And I’ll never forgive my friends for making it so that every time I see Sloth from STEEL MAGNOLIAS, I get an erection.

WINNER #3: Jester from JesterTunes.com

My first sexual experience

When I turned 16, my friends decided that it was about time that I got laid. “We’re getting you a PICKLE“, they said, “and we’ll pay for it.”

Being a PIMPLY virginal teen, I DISCOVERED loudly. “FROWNING for sex is not something that I have any interest in. That’s STICKY!” My face turned GREENISH-BROWN.

“But Adam,” they said, “don’t be such a POLE. I bet she’d even do you STANDING WHEELBARROW. No arguments!”

And with her address written down on a card in my trembling, sweaty hand, I was off to the BACKSEAT OF A BLUE GREMLIN to have sex with a hooker. While I drove there, I remember very clearly that LET’S GET DRUNK AND SCREW was playing on the radio. Once I arrived, I climbed out the car, and approached the door of the seedy hotel. I was so nervous that my THIRD TOE ON MY LEFT FOOT was shaking like crazy.

Before I could GESTICULATE on the door, it swung open and a shadowy figure beckoned. “You must be Adam,” she cooed, “Come over here, PUMPKINBUTT, and let me see you.”

INCREDIBLY, I walked over to the bed. Before I could even LEAP, the woman had ripped off my clothes and thrown me on the bed. She mounted me and I was being molested by her vagina in an instant.

ERRRGUHUHHURMPH!,” she caterwauled like some type of SUGAR GLIDER, bouncing up and down and up and down. This went on for a good 12 seconds before she jumped off right as my penis shot forth what seemed like several gallons of KARO CORN SYRUP. She stuck a finger in the mess, put her finger in her mouth, and said “Ooh, that’s RANCID. You should drink more KUMQUAT juice, stud.”

Still shrouded in darkness, she reached for the light. “Come back again, stud, and I’ll let you put it in my COLOSTOMA.” As the light clicked on, I gasped in horror. To this day, I’ll never forget her misshapen football-sized head, uneven eyes, little wiggly ears, and small, solitary tuft of hair on the top of her head. And I’ll never forgive my friends for making it so that every time I see Sloth from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, I get an erection.

And here are a few honorable mentions:

  • Award for best ONOMATOPOEIA goes to Queen Jasmine for “Ungh, ungh, ungh, ongh, ongh eieyeeee”.
  • Award for best NOUN goes to Mr. Fab for “Vietnamese spin fuck chair”.
  • Award for best CUTE NAME goes to Poppy for “Butterballs”.
  • Award for best TYPE OF TASTE goes to Wayne for “Umami (meaty)”.

Thanks to everyone who contributed!

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45 Replies to “It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad lib.”

  1. Miss Britt

    HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

    I have to say that while the idea of you spewing Diet Coke with Lime from your penis is hysterical, Jester’s entry was absolutely magical!

    (That being said, I’d like my prize now. Please. And thank you.)

  2. Jester

    LOL! Such a good idea that I will definitely steal at some point in the future. I’m a bit scared that so many of my entries actually fit in TOO well.

    I’m really surprised that the sexual position that Britt came up with was “missionary.” I would have expected something a bit more exotic. 😀

  3. Avitable

    Britt, yeah, Jester’s was pretty spot on in parts, but the Diet Coke part of yours makes me laugh each time. And the prize is in my pants.

    Amy, see? You should have entered!

    BPR, no, you got the gerund right! Oh, but potatoes are tubers, not vegetables.

    Sheila, I didn’t see your entry either, did I? Tsk, tsk.

    AnnieB, yeah, it was very funny inserting everyone’s entries into the story, too.

    Jester, you can definitely steal it. Your entries were surprisingly apt! And for Britt, missionary is exotic. Well, more exotic than a hole in a sheet.

    Brandi, you should’ve entered!

    Todd, your onomatopoeia (“Guh. Guh. Guh. GAHHHHH!”) and your fruit (“bing cherry”) were pretty damn good, too!

    Mr. Fabulous, you can. I don’t mind if you need to copy this.

    RW, Mrs. RW got hers in right under the deadline last night.

    Poppy, dude!

  4. Mike

    Nicely done!

    …and 2 thought that “The Perfumed Garden” was a sexual position. It’s actually a collection of different sexual positions.

    I actually thought “Why limit myself to just one?”

    I wrote “ear” ’cause I was thinking about aural sex. 😛

  5. Avitable

    Metalmom, thanks. And “snigglypoof” was a pretty good cute name that you chose, too!

    Christie, lmao indeed.

    Mike, good point – more than one sexual position opens up a whole bevy of possibilities.

    Britt, does your face want to join mine?

  6. Wayne

    After I submitted an entry I almost emailed a retraction because I imagined in horror – what if I got chosen?!?!?!

    Hopefully my Coke Reward points cleared your bank so you can keep my “good side” out there on the outside.

  7. Avitable

    Poppy, that did work well.

    Britt, “so’s your face” always makes sense!

    Lynda, only if I can call you Sugartits!

    Crystal, I bet your answers would have been creative if you had lowered yourself from your throne to enter the contest!

  8. jasmine

    You know… I should probably give a little credit to Fabby for my “best” award… he once told me that “Ungh, ungh, ungh, ongh, ongh eieyeeee” is the sound you make when you’re riding his special chair. Thanks Fab. And thanks Adam for the props!

  9. Sybil Law

    I freaking LOVE Mad Libs and even if I didn’t win (sniff), it was still awesome. Those winners rock! So I was the only one who chose both piehole and spooge? Wow. Now I feel… unique. Ha – you must do this again!!! :clap:

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