Archive for September, 2007

Man, there's a lot of pressure to be funny here today. I've known about writing a guest post here for a week, and I gotta tell you, I sat frozen for days wondering exactly what I was going to write about that would be entertaining for Adam's regular readers. When my boyfriend came around with a towel in one hand and a can of Pledge in the other threatening to "dust me," I figured I had better get to work.

When Adam guest posted for me several weeks ago, he "came out" as a straight man to all my readers. He relayed his average day of listening to Jewel and the Indigo Girls, drinking apple martinis, and watching The Gilmore Girls. It was an enlightening post, and I have decided to submit a similar break down here:

A Day in the Life of a Fag

08:00 - Ouch. What is that screaming sound? Make it stop. Makeit stop. MakeItStop!

08:27 – Roll over carefully as to not disturb the sleeping figure next to me.

08:28 - Step over the broken plastic shards of the third alarm clock I've destroyed this week.

08:29 - Dig a wallet out of the pants laying at the foot of the bed. Use it to identify the sleeping figure in bed. Pray the birthdate is pre-1988. Slip a twenty dollar bill out.

08:30 - Pee. Contrary to popular belief, fags do urinate. It's usually yellow, if you're wondering. Find some sort of pain killer to dull the pounding in my temples. What did I drink last night?

08:31 – 08:37 - Locate my clothes and quietly dress. Slip outside and blink into the sunlight. Where the fuck am I? Where's my car?

09:02 – Arrive at home and shower. Pay particular attention to that area under the scrotum that seems to collect that musty-funk smell.

09:25 - Apply makeup to cover up the scales and horns. Make a note to talk to the Exalted Leader about replacing my skin with the new version that came out last year.

10:00 - Enjoy a healthy breakfast of whole grain cereal, organic yogurt, and a newborn baby. Make a note to pick up a fresh six pack of babies at the Co-op. Maybe I'll try Chinese this week, as the Mexican kids tend to give me the runs. Read the paper and make a list of all the conservative Republicans that I can seduce.

10:46 – Head out to this week's missionary job recruiting new members to the Order Of Fags (OOF). The job consists mostly of going door-to-door offering blow jobs. Just like the Mormons.

12:30 - Lunch time. I don't have much time between appointments, so I'll just grab a quick hot dog. Miniature Greyhound today, as I'm watching my carbs. I grab an adorable three-day-old kitten, just in case I'm hungry during my afternoon coffee break.

14:07 - Stop at the truck stop for a quick handjob with a 50-something year-old guy named "Mack." I think. He has four teeth, one of which is on a chain around his neck. This reminds me that I must call and make an appointment with my dentist for my monthly bleaching. Maybe I can combine that appointment with my upcoming hair frosting.

15:45 - It's been a pretty productive day, so I'll take all my Recruitment Slips back to OOF headquarters. I have 14 slips today, which means I qualify for the deluxe toaster oven. I can sell that for $56. Excellent!

16:37 - Arrive at my doctor's office for my weekly injection. It's designed to make sure if I accidentally get cut my blood will appear red. Nothing is more embarrassing than a bright green nosebleed giving my true identity as a fag away. The cute male nurse flirts with me again, so I take him into the x-ray room for a fun picture.

17:26 - Get stuck in traffic. I personally make it my mission to cut off as many people as possible. I love to make people scream "YOU FAG!" at the back end of my powder blue Beetle with all the rainbow stickers.

17:39 - Stop at the gym for my power workout on the treadmill and free weights. It's a slow day in the shower, so I only hook up with one cute black guy who couldn't stop staring.

19:12 - Stop by the house for a quick change of clothes. I need to look especially dashing tonight, so I choose my Armani tuxedo.

19:56 - Arrive at the Westin for the Gay Marriage Now! dinner. My "on call" boyfriend arrives and poses with me for photos before my big speech. We tell everyone that we are thinking of adopting a little boy from Ghana. We are SO Brad and Angelina, but with penises.

22:12 - Finally break free from all the people at the dinner and head out to the bar. Drop a $20 bill on a tab of ecstacy. Wonder where that money came from?

22:30 – 01:45 - Lots of dancing and drinking and making out with shirtless boys at the club. Every twenty minutes or so, stop by and shmooze the old guy at the end of the bar so he'll by me another drink. If I make him think he's got a chance with me, he'll even buy for this hot little Latino boy who has caught my eye.

01:52 – 07:30 – ?????????

07:35 – Destroy my fourth alarm clock of the week. Who the fuck gets up this early? Why is there a high school letter jacket on the desk chair next to the bed? Oh shit!

Well, there you have it. A day in the life of a fag. Of course anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't MY typical day.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see if my boyfriend is still interested in making me lemony fresh.

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

Hi everyone, Poppy here. Don't let all the other Substitute Avitables fool you into thinking otherwise: Avi is all about the absolutely filthy, bordering on criminal, sexual perversion. Because I find his predilection for prepubescent school girls fairly disturbing I thought I’d take it down a notch and post something completely tame just to make him sorry that he asked me to guest post while he lazily hangs out naked in the pool with his Emma Watson Look-Alikes fan club getting a sunburn on his happy stick.

I know he says I can make anything dirty but that’s simply not true. I am completely capable of posting innocent, clean-cut content that is safe for even your freakishly smart 2-year-old to read. As proof I submit to you:

10 things you should do for your kitty. Daily.

1. Feed her. Can’t have a starving kitty, that’s just mean. She prefers foods that will go down her throat easily, but as long as you make bite-sized pieces for her she'll really eat anything.

2. Groom her. She grooms herself, but she does appreciate when you help her out a bit with that. Some kitties even enjoy a bit of a shave!
3. Give her kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. Kisses are her favorite.
4. Pet her. No petting, no love. Plus, petting your kitty is very therapeutic for you, according to "science".
5. Tell her she’s pretty. She does do all that work to keep herself maintained so the least you can do is compliment her for her effort.
6. Call her. She really enjoys it when her Hello Kitty cell phone vibrates. (Polite kitties always have their phones set to "manner mode".)
7. Let her out. She gets a bit musty if she stays inside too long.
8. Talk to her. She’ll mew back.
9. Introduce her to other kitties. The sight of a bunch of kitties at play is pretty much as close to perfection as anyone can get. She enjoys it too, but this is really more for your pleasure than hers.
10. Give her lots of toys. Or at least one big toy. Gotta keep the girl occupied and content all day, not just for the first few minutes of the day.

If you do all these things for your kitty and she's still not happy then might I suggest that you take advantage of my one time special offer for private tutoring lessons. All proceeds go to the Rehabilitate Adam H. Avitable fund. We understand it's a lost cause, but we try anyway.

Here is the direct link.

Today's guest post is brought to you by the gorgeous and powerful Crystal.

I'm Dave from Blogography, and I shouldn't even be here today.

When Avitable asked me to guest-post on his blog, I immediately said "yes" thinking that he was going on a vacation, or needed time to work on a business project, or was having a sex change or whatever. Like me, he's a daily blogger, and so I'm sympathetic to the idea that he might need time away from his blog for something important like that.

Of course, now I know that he's not doing anything important, he just "needs a break."

What a pussy.

I mean, come on! I crank out an entry for my blog every day… even if I'm heinously ill, have no internet access, or am traveling half a world away. Once I even blogged while dead.* But Avitable… he just "wants a break."

And so here I am.

Time to get this show on the road…

MONEY!!

One of my favorite fantasies that doesn't involve chocolate pudding and Elizabeth Hurley is that I somehow acquire a billion dollars. With such a huge sum of money, very little would be out of my reach… razing Mt. Rainier National Park and erecting a fifty-story-tall monument to myself suddenly goes from absurd dream to stunning possibility. And I've got hundreds of other cool ideas, all equally awesome.

But something I've never had the balls to contemplate (until now, anyway) is what Avitable would do with such vast wealth. Because, let's face it, the guy is one seriously twisted individual. While it would be amusing to watch somebody like me spend a cool billion, Avitable would be just plain scary. Here's just a few things we might be forced to endure…

• The Kingdom of Avitablania… Is there anything more frightening than the thought of Avitable as the dictator of his own country? Could there be a more hedonistic and self-indulgent nation on earth? Though you've got to respect any country whose primary export would be either poodle porn or taco-flavored lube.
• Bestiality Theme Park… Everybody's heard of a "petting zoo"… Avitable could take things to the next level and create a heavy-petting zoo. A happy place where he could indulge in all the man-on-snake sex and dolphin fellatio his heart desires.
• Avitable News Network… Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of Ted Turner, Billionaire Avitable could start his own news network, where top stories would involve Avril Lavigne getting a bikini wax and in-depth reports on scrotum-shaving techniques.

And there you have it. I blog so Adam doesn't have to… the lazy bastard.

Now I'm curious to know what Avitable's legion of fans think he would do with a billion dollars. Would his antics be an entertaining diversion, or the end of life on earth as we know it?

*Well, dead-drunk, but still…

In case you don't know me, I'm Amy from Amy's Musings. I know, I know, it must seem very strange for a wholesome, mother of 3 to be friends with someone I affectionately refer to as "The Anti-Christ" but I assure you, you just don't know the Adam Avitable that I know.

And, honestly, if it weren't for the nude pics that Adam is holding over my head, I would not be writing this post. Of course, if he hadn't taken advantage of me when I was drunk, he wouldn't have the pictures. He still owes me a naked dance video though, the bastard. (And, Adam, I expect said dance video to include ass-less chaps and a large Stetson hat.)

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Well, most of us are smart enough to keep them in our closet. Not our good friend, Adam, though. He either keeps the dry cleaning in the closet and hangs the skeletons out the window or his skeletons are the polar opposite of our skeletons. I'm not sure which the case may be but I do have a sneaking suspicion.

That being said, I think we all love to play along with his image that he is evil, nasty, and cares little if anything at all for his fellow human beings. Even with his self-professed apathy he still does the occasional unintentional good deed; I owe him a debt of gratitude, thanks to him my husband is obsessed with snakes and dolphins and I have a lot more time to myself.

But, there is another side to Adam Avitable aside from being a complete workaholic; he's also a brilliant baker. Really, no kidding! The man is a genius in the kitchen and should probably have his own show on the Food Network. My title suggestion would be, "Cooking With Avitable" because that sounds both like a grumpy chef AND an exotic ingredient!

Many a night I have found myself depressed, sad, and in need of a friend. Somehow I always end up hunched over my keyboard picking Adam's brain via IM and discovering new uses for Cream of Tartar or brilliant substitutes for vegetable oil. Prior to my conversations with Adam, I had no idea that baking chocolate chip cookies while naked on webcam would make my cookies even more moist and chewy than baking with clothes on! I mean, sure I had 3rd degree burns on both my nipples, but people raved about those cookies! I did feel bad for Adam though, he said he had a seizure as I was pulling out the last batch, I suppose that explains why his eyes were rolling back in his head and his right arm kept spasming, I had no idea he had temporary epilepsy! And, I'd love to tell you about my muffins, but he made me promise to keep that our little secret.

Then there was the time I wore a white shirt to a Mexican restaurant and ended up with a nasty salsa stain. Bemoaning my misfortune to Adam he quickly rallied to the defense of my shirt and suggested several stain removers. Sure, I had a hard time locating a bum to ejaculate on the stain… but it did come out in the wash!

In return, I think I'm a pretty good friend to him as well. Just like the time he told me he needed a stun gun but that the laws in Florida prohibited him from purchasing one if the stores had security cameras. Imagine my surprise to learn that Florida has such strict laws!! I bought one at a store across town and shipped it right out to him. I sure hope he got rid of those gophers in his front lawn!

So, that's my little stint at guest posting here in Avitaland. You know, it's funny because a lot of times when people guest post it sort of turns out like a roast for the hosting blogger. I hope that instead you guys got to learn something about Adam that you never knew or even suspected.

And, Avitaland really is a nice place. Really!! I don't recommend using the bathroom though, it's hard to relieve yourself when you are trying to avoid the dildos and butt plugs that are attached to the toilet seat not to mention that strange little camera looking thing under the toilet seat that Adam assured me was a toilet bowl ionizer.