And it begins . . .

The fall is the busy time for my wife. She leaves tomorrow at 7 AM and will be gone, off and on, until the last week of October. She’ll be traveling everywhere from LA to Philadelphia to Seattle to Alabama, just to name a few.

Amy enjoys traveling for business, and I have no problem being a bachelor for a week or so, but when it’s this long, it gets a bit tiresome for both of us.

So I’ve decided that I need to put an ad out for someone to help do all of the things that Amy usually does. Here’s what I was thinking:

Needed: Strong-willed woman to clean dishes, do laundry, hang my shirts that can’t be dried in the dryer, wash dog, tidy house, go to the movies thirty minutes ahead of time with me, change sheets, put toilet paper on the dispenser, make me laugh, pick up my socks, get the mail, water plants, change light bulbs, go grocery shopping, do small home repair, walk dog, fill soap dispensers, feed dog, make cereal for me to eat in the morning, clean gutters, fix roof, put steak out to thaw, sew holes in my shirts, throw away my shredded socks and underwear, laugh at my jokes, give dog medicine, tie my shoelaces, pinch my butt, and wake me up in the morning. Must be 5’10″ or taller, weigh no more than 125, and be able to stare down a rhino with a condescending look. Compensation will be in the form of dinners out, small random compliments, occasional appreciation, and sexual favors that will last between 12-14 seconds.

I’m expecting there to be hundreds of applicants banging down my door.

Enjoy this post? Try these:
100 Things for 2010: Part One
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This entry was posted in Love and marriage and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to And it begins . . .

  1. bluepaintred says:

    Dude. Do you do Anything at home?

    Reply

  2. Amanda says:

    damn I’d apply but I’m six inches too short. Other than that, it sounds like a sweet deal.

    Reply

  3. jester says:

    Funny, I thought you had already hired Britt. :poke:

    Reply

  4. NYCWD
    Twitter:
    says:

    I need one too.

    If you get any applicants who can’t read and are 5’5″ or below, let me know.

    Reply

  5. Trishk says:

    Except for the sock shit, I would apply. Well, that and the 12-14 seconds part…

    Reply

  6. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Huh. I thought this was a babysitting blog. My bad.

    Reply

  7. HoosierGirl5 says:

    Well, I don’t fit the physical requirements but I’m already doing the rest around here without the sexual favors, so…..what the heck, I’m in.

    I know how much you love hanging out with kids, so I’ll be bringing all 4 of mine.

    That’s not a problem, is it? :lmao:
    J.

    Reply

  8. ADW says:

    How about someone who hates all animals, does zero housework, spends all of your money on shoes and can stare down a Rhino??? No?

    Reply

  9. Christie says:

    I’m only 5’6″- what if I wore 4 inch heels? lol. But I think I could only work there for an hour, after that I’d probably yell at you to “do your own damn laundry!” lol

    Reply

  10. MsFreud says:

    Whudda Know- it’s my busy time of year too, with Halloween coming. Your wife has Hell of a job- I would apply but I have my own job… add 2 kids who live to drive a woman into the laughing academy with bickering, messes and stupid stunts and you can get me a replacement too.

    Reply

  11. Mike
    Twitter:
    says:

    Ah! That explains the comemnt you left me on my blog. ;-)

    Reply

  12. Turnbaby says:

    make cereal for me to eat in the morning,

    sheesh man–have you no pride?

    Reply

  13. RW says:

    You lost me at strong-willed…

    Reply

  14. Avitable says:

    BPR, I work. And I bring the trash out. And I supervise well.

    Amanda, I guess I can relax the height requirement a bit.

    Jester, HAHAHAHAHAHAH! She’s gonna fucking kill you now.

    NYCWD, well, Britt’s only like four feet tall.

    TrishK, what can I say? I’m an overachiever.

    Mr. Fabulous, I’m thinking of making it a sewing blog.

    HG5, 4? Jesus Christ, woman. You’re insane.

    ADW, well, you’re hot, so okay.

    Christie, I definitely need someone willing to put in full days and nights.

    MsFreud, it will be hard enough to find my own substitute wife!

    Mike, exactly.

    Turnbaby, pride? Why? She makes it for me to make sure that I actually eat breakfst, because otherwise, I’ll skip it.

    Geeky, are you volunteering?

    RW, you limp-wristed woman, you.

    Reply

  15. NYCWD
    Twitter:
    says:

    But Britt’s a blonde… I try to avoid those… unless I plan on investing heavily into the TUMS company

    Reply

  16. Miss Britt says:

    Um, yeah, no, Jester, I think fucking NOT.

    I am only his second wife in that I tell him about all of his shortcomings and make him do me favors.

    Avi… did you get lucky last night or WHAT?! Jeez. The fucking syrupy goodness is cavity inducing.

    Reply

  17. Miss Britt says:

    and Dawg – I’m hurt. Really.

    I come with my own bottle of Tums.

    Reply

  18. Poppy says:

    Mr. Avitable,

    I would like to apply for your position the week of October 8. I do not do windows. I do everything else.

    Sincerely,

    PM Cede

    (Snark!)

    Reply

  19. NYCWD
    Twitter:
    says:

    Only one bottle? I can swallow that in one gulp.

    :lmao: @ Poppy

    Reply

  20. AnnieB says:

    I dunno … that laughing at your jokes might be a deal breaker.

    Reply

  21. Do you think you can extend the sexual favors to 18-20 seconds?

    Fuck it, never mind….. I weigh more than 125, I actually eat real food…. (I am 5’11.5″ though so that has to count for something……)

    Reply

  22. bluepaintred says:

    *claps*

    want a gold star?

    I have some here somewhere…

    Reply

  23. Mist 1 says:

    You have holes sewn in your shirts? How does one sew in a hole?

    Reply

  24. Avitable says:

    NYCWD, yeah, blondes are trouble.

    Britt, syrupy goodness? I’m a soft-hearted fellow, what can I say?

    Poppy, I’m sorry, but windows are required.

    AnnieB, oh, you do it anyway, so you can do it for compensation.

    TMP, maybe if I think of Margaret Thatcher.

    BPR, I bet you can’t find them because you’re unkempt! Hah!

    Mist, it’s like driving in a parking lot and parking in a driveway. Heady stuff.

    Reply

  25. Webmiztris says:

    5’10″ and less than 125 lbs.? good lord, and people say I’M skinny! don’t your leave any food in the house for your wife? ;)

    Reply

  26. Amy says:

    I’m with Britt, you either got lucky or you fucked up really bad.

    Reply

  27. Avitable says:

    Poppy, trying to butter me up, eh?

    Dawn, she’s a vegetarian, so I leave her tons of food!

    Amy, or I miss my wife who is leaving for a while.

    Reply

  28. BOSSY says:

    How about combining some of the wifely duties & pet care issues by getting a Therapy dog? Bossy thinks they even answer doors and phones.

    Reply

  29. bluepaintred says:

    dammit you are a fucker aren’t you?

    Sigh.

    And just to be mean : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od-8H6DPb8g

    Reply

  30. hellohahanarf says:

    i was in until you said over 5’10″ and under a buck twenty five.

    so do your own fucking laundry and shit.

    xoxo

    Reply

  31. Poppy says:

    Everything’s better with butter! :3some:

    Reply

  32. Robin
    Twitter:
    says:

    Sounds similar to what my ad would look like.

    Reply

  33. Avitable says:

    Bossy, but will they lick peanut butter from my anus? That’s the real question.

    BPR, yeah, I saw that. It was pretty cool!

    Hello, that’s not very nice!

    Poppy, very true.

    Robin, I’d think you’d want a penis in there somewhere.

    Reply

  34. Tracy Lynn
    Twitter:
    says:

    Yeah. Good luck with that. Dork. :loser:

    Reply

  35. hellohahanarf says:

    i wanted to be nice. really i did. then that 5’10″ and 125 lb thing came into your post and i lost it. fortunately you are too far away to slap.

    Reply

  36. Avitable says:

    Tracy, what? You don’t think it’s possible?

    Hello, I’m just looking for someone like my wife. Otherwise, I’d just have Britt do all that stuff.

    Reply

  37. Miss Britt says:

    Um, did you just call me fat?

    Reply

  38. I personally could care less what you think of as long as I get about 20 seconds……

    Reply

  39. Avitable says:

    Britt, hell no! You’re the perfect weight for my ad. If only you were a foot taller!

    TMP, okay, I can promise 20 seconds.

    Reply

  40. Brandi says:

    Found: Strong-willed woman to grumble while cleaning dishes, do laundry, hang shirts that can’t be dried in the dryer, wash dog, tidy house, go to the movies thirty minutes ahead of time if it means I get tons of cheap tasting movie foods, change sheets, put toilet paper on the dispenser, make others laugh, pick up and bleach socks, get the mail, kill all of the plants, change light bulbs that do not require a ladder or anything past my tippy toes, go grocery shopping, do small home repair that does not include plumbing or electricity, walk dog, fill soap dispensers, feed dog, call someone to clean gutters and/or fix roof, put steak out to thaw, sew holes in my shirts after Britt puts her cigs out on your chest, throw away my shredded socks and underwear and all other clothing that makes you look poor and dirty, laughs at most jokes, give dog medicine, tie my shoelaces, pinch my butt, and wake me up in the morning. Is certified in CPR and is willing to give stitches without asking any questions to why it was you got shot; and be able to stare down a rhino with a condescending look.

    Reply

  41. Miss Britt says:

    Well done, Brandi! :clap: :thumbsup:

    Reply

  42. Avitable says:

    Brandi, bravo! Now all you have to do is pass the final test of being 5’10″, 125 lbs, and eat like a rabbit – no meat allowed.

    Britt, you’re supposed to say “I would never put my cigarettes out on him!”

    Reply

  43. Miss Britt says:

    Please read previous comment on earlier post about how I do not lie.

    Reply

  44. Avitable says:

    Can’t you at least pretend you’re not going to scar me for the rest of my life?

    Reply

  45. Miss Britt says:

    Um… sure… I can try.

    Although, you big fucking baby, if I went through the SHIRT the likeliness of you being scarred for life is very slim.

    Reply

  46. DutchBitch says:

    OK… I was all there until the 12-14 seconds sex thing… No can’t do… After 5 years of drought I don’t think I have that much control over myself… :boobs3:

    Reply

  47. cat says:

    Does she stir your cereal before serving it, too? You’re such a big baby! lol : )

    Reply

  48. Avitable says:

    Britt, my shirts feel pain!

    DB, I might be willing to stretch it a bit for a hottie from the Netherlands.

    Cat, I just do as I’m told, that’s all.

    Reply

  49. Sybil Law says:

    I think your wife is irreplaceable.
    Thank God. For us. :lmao:

    Reply

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