I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

And it begins . . .

The fall is the busy time for my wife. She leaves tomorrow at 7 AM and will be gone, off and on, until the last week of October. She’ll be traveling everywhere from LA to Philadelphia to Seattle to Alabama, just to name a few.

Amy enjoys traveling for business, and I have no problem being a bachelor for a week or so, but when it’s this long, it gets a bit tiresome for both of us.

So I’ve decided that I need to put an ad out for someone to help do all of the things that Amy usually does. Here’s what I was thinking:

Needed: Strong-willed woman to clean dishes, do laundry, hang my shirts that can’t be dried in the dryer, wash dog, tidy house, go to the movies thirty minutes ahead of time with me, change sheets, put toilet paper on the dispenser, make me laugh, pick up my socks, get the mail, water plants, change light bulbs, go grocery shopping, do small home repair, walk dog, fill soap dispensers, feed dog, make cereal for me to eat in the morning, clean gutters, fix roof, put steak out to thaw, sew holes in my shirts, throw away my shredded socks and underwear, laugh at my jokes, give dog medicine, tie my shoelaces, pinch my butt, and wake me up in the morning. Must be 5’10” or taller, weigh no more than 125, and be able to stare down a rhino with a condescending look. Compensation will be in the form of dinners out, small random compliments, occasional appreciation, and sexual favors that will last between 12-14 seconds.

I’m expecting there to be hundreds of applicants banging down my door.

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53 Replies to “And it begins . . .”

  1. HoosierGirl5

    Well, I don’t fit the physical requirements but I’m already doing the rest around here without the sexual favors, so…..what the heck, I’m in.

    I know how much you love hanging out with kids, so I’ll be bringing all 4 of mine.

    That’s not a problem, is it? :lmao:
    J.

  2. MsFreud

    Whudda Know- it’s my busy time of year too, with Halloween coming. Your wife has Hell of a job- I would apply but I have my own job… add 2 kids who live to drive a woman into the laughing academy with bickering, messes and stupid stunts and you can get me a replacement too.

  3. Avitable

    BPR, I work. And I bring the trash out. And I supervise well.

    Amanda, I guess I can relax the height requirement a bit.

    Jester, HAHAHAHAHAHAH! She’s gonna fucking kill you now.

    NYCWD, well, Britt’s only like four feet tall.

    TrishK, what can I say? I’m an overachiever.

    Mr. Fabulous, I’m thinking of making it a sewing blog.

    HG5, 4? Jesus Christ, woman. You’re insane.

    ADW, well, you’re hot, so okay.

    Christie, I definitely need someone willing to put in full days and nights.

    MsFreud, it will be hard enough to find my own substitute wife!

    Mike, exactly.

    Turnbaby, pride? Why? She makes it for me to make sure that I actually eat breakfst, because otherwise, I’ll skip it.

    Geeky, are you volunteering?

    RW, you limp-wristed woman, you.

  4. Miss Britt

    Um, yeah, no, Jester, I think fucking NOT.

    I am only his second wife in that I tell him about all of his shortcomings and make him do me favors.

    Avi… did you get lucky last night or WHAT?! Jeez. The fucking syrupy goodness is cavity inducing.

  5. Avitable

    NYCWD, yeah, blondes are trouble.

    Britt, syrupy goodness? I’m a soft-hearted fellow, what can I say?

    Poppy, I’m sorry, but windows are required.

    AnnieB, oh, you do it anyway, so you can do it for compensation.

    TMP, maybe if I think of Margaret Thatcher.

    BPR, I bet you can’t find them because you’re unkempt! Hah!

    Mist, it’s like driving in a parking lot and parking in a driveway. Heady stuff.

  6. Avitable

    Bossy, but will they lick peanut butter from my anus? That’s the real question.

    BPR, yeah, I saw that. It was pretty cool!

    Hello, that’s not very nice!

    Poppy, very true.

    Robin, I’d think you’d want a penis in there somewhere.

  7. Brandi

    Found: Strong-willed woman to grumble while cleaning dishes, do laundry, hang shirts that can’t be dried in the dryer, wash dog, tidy house, go to the movies thirty minutes ahead of time if it means I get tons of cheap tasting movie foods, change sheets, put toilet paper on the dispenser, make others laugh, pick up and bleach socks, get the mail, kill all of the plants, change light bulbs that do not require a ladder or anything past my tippy toes, go grocery shopping, do small home repair that does not include plumbing or electricity, walk dog, fill soap dispensers, feed dog, call someone to clean gutters and/or fix roof, put steak out to thaw, sew holes in my shirts after Britt puts her cigs out on your chest, throw away my shredded socks and underwear and all other clothing that makes you look poor and dirty, laughs at most jokes, give dog medicine, tie my shoelaces, pinch my butt, and wake me up in the morning. Is certified in CPR and is willing to give stitches without asking any questions to why it was you got shot; and be able to stare down a rhino with a condescending look.

  8. Avitable

    Brandi, bravo! Now all you have to do is pass the final test of being 5’10”, 125 lbs, and eat like a rabbit – no meat allowed.

    Britt, you’re supposed to say “I would never put my cigarettes out on him!”

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