The fall is the busy time for my wife. She leaves tomorrow at 7 AM and will be gone, off and on, until the last week of October. She'll be traveling everywhere from LA to Philadelphia to Seattle to Alabama, just to name a few.
Amy enjoys traveling for business, and I have no problem being a bachelor for a week or so, but when it's this long, it gets a bit tiresome for both of us.
So I've decided that I need to put an ad out for someone to help do all of the things that Amy usually does. Here's what I was thinking:
Needed: Strong-willed woman to clean dishes, do laundry, hang my shirts that can't be dried in the dryer, wash dog, tidy house, go to the movies thirty minutes ahead of time with me, change sheets, put toilet paper on the dispenser, make me laugh, pick up my socks, get the mail, water plants, change light bulbs, go grocery shopping, do small home repair, walk dog, fill soap dispensers, feed dog, make cereal for me to eat in the morning, clean gutters, fix roof, put steak out to thaw, sew holes in my shirts, throw away my shredded socks and underwear, laugh at my jokes, give dog medicine, tie my shoelaces, pinch my butt, and wake me up in the morning. Must be 5'10" or taller, weigh no more than 125, and be able to stare down a rhino with a condescending look. Compensation will be in the form of dinners out, small random compliments, occasional appreciation, and sexual favors that will last between 12-14 seconds.
I'm expecting there to be hundreds of applicants banging down my door.
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Dude. Do you do Anything at home?
Comments by bluepaintred
damn I'd apply but I'm six inches too short. Other than that, it sounds like a sweet deal.
Comments by Amanda
Funny, I thought you had already hired Britt.
Comments by jester
I need one too.
If you get any applicants who can't read and are 5'5" or below, let me know.
Comments by NYCWD
Except for the sock shit, I would apply. Well, that and the 12-14 seconds part...
Comments by Trishk
Huh. I thought this was a babysitting blog. My bad.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Well, I don't fit the physical requirements but I'm already doing the rest around here without the sexual favors, so.....what the heck, I'm in.
I know how much you love hanging out with kids, so I'll be bringing all 4 of mine.
That's not a problem, is it?
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
How about someone who hates all animals, does zero housework, spends all of your money on shoes and can stare down a Rhino??? No?
Comments by ADW
I'm only 5'6"- what if I wore 4 inch heels? lol. But I think I could only work there for an hour, after that I'd probably yell at you to "do your own damn laundry!" lol
Comments by Christie
Whudda Know- it's my busy time of year too, with Halloween coming. Your wife has Hell of a job- I would apply but I have my own job... add 2 kids who live to drive a woman into the laughing academy with bickering, messes and stupid stunts and you can get me a replacement too.
Comments by MsFreud
Ah! That explains the comemnt you left me on my blog. ;-)
Comments by Mike
sheesh man–have you no pride?
Comments by Turnbaby
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
You lost me at strong-willed...
Comments by RW
BPR, I work. And I bring the trash out. And I supervise well.
Amanda, I guess I can relax the height requirement a bit.
Jester, HAHAHAHAHAHAH! She's gonna fucking kill you now.
NYCWD, well, Britt's only like four feet tall.
TrishK, what can I say? I'm an overachiever.
Mr. Fabulous, I'm thinking of making it a sewing blog.
HG5, 4? Jesus Christ, woman. You're insane.
ADW, well, you're hot, so okay.
Christie, I definitely need someone willing to put in full days and nights.
MsFreud, it will be hard enough to find my own substitute wife!
Mike, exactly.
Turnbaby, pride? Why? She makes it for me to make sure that I actually eat breakfst, because otherwise, I'll skip it.
Geeky, are you volunteering?
RW, you limp-wristed woman, you.
Comments by Avitable
But Britt's a blonde... I try to avoid those... unless I plan on investing heavily into the TUMS company
Comments by NYCWD
Um, yeah, no, Jester, I think fucking NOT.
I am only his second wife in that I tell him about all of his shortcomings and make him do me favors.
Avi... did you get lucky last night or WHAT?! Jeez. The fucking syrupy goodness is cavity inducing.
Comments by Miss Britt
and Dawg - I'm hurt. Really.
I come with my own bottle of Tums.
Comments by Miss Britt
Mr. Avitable,
I would like to apply for your position the week of October 8. I do not do windows. I do everything else.
Sincerely,
PM Cede
(Snark!)
Comments by Poppy
Only one bottle? I can swallow that in one gulp.
Comments by NYCWD
Dawg: *bow*
Comments by Poppy
I dunno ... that laughing at your jokes might be a deal breaker.
Comments by AnnieB
Do you think you can extend the sexual favors to 18-20 seconds?
Fuck it, never mind..... I weigh more than 125, I actually eat real food.... (I am 5'11.5" though so that has to count for something......)
Comments by themuttprincess
*claps*
want a gold star?
I have some here somewhere...
Comments by bluepaintred
You have holes sewn in your shirts? How does one sew in a hole?
Comments by Mist 1
NYCWD, yeah, blondes are trouble.
Britt, syrupy goodness? I'm a soft-hearted fellow, what can I say?
Poppy, I'm sorry, but windows are required.
AnnieB, oh, you do it anyway, so you can do it for compensation.
TMP, maybe if I think of Margaret Thatcher.
BPR, I bet you can't find them because you're unkempt! Hah!
Mist, it's like driving in a parking lot and parking in a driveway. Heady stuff.
Comments by Avitable
Fucker.
Comments by Poppy
Comments by Poppy
5'10" and less than 125 lbs.? good lord, and people say I'M skinny! don't your leave any food in the house for your wife? ;)
Comments by Webmiztris
I'm with Britt, you either got lucky or you fucked up really bad.
Comments by Amy
Poppy, trying to butter me up, eh?
Dawn, she's a vegetarian, so I leave her tons of food!
Amy, or I miss my wife who is leaving for a while.
Comments by Avitable
How about combining some of the wifely duties & pet care issues by getting a Therapy dog? Bossy thinks they even answer doors and phones.
Comments by BOSSY
dammit you are a fucker aren't you?
Sigh.
And just to be mean : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od-8H6DPb8g
Comments by bluepaintred
i was in until you said over 5'10" and under a buck twenty five.
so do your own fucking laundry and shit.
xoxo
Comments by hellohahanarf
Everything's better with butter!
Comments by Poppy
Sounds similar to what my ad would look like.
Comments by Robin
Bossy, but will they lick peanut butter from my anus? That's the real question.
BPR, yeah, I saw that. It was pretty cool!
Hello, that's not very nice!
Poppy, very true.
Robin, I'd think you'd want a penis in there somewhere.
Comments by Avitable
Yeah. Good luck with that. Dork.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
i wanted to be nice. really i did. then that 5'10" and 125 lb thing came into your post and i lost it. fortunately you are too far away to slap.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Tracy, what? You don't think it's possible?
Hello, I'm just looking for someone like my wife. Otherwise, I'd just have Britt do all that stuff.
Comments by Avitable
Um, did you just call me fat?
Comments by Miss Britt
I personally could care less what you think of as long as I get about 20 seconds......
Comments by themuttprincess
Britt, hell no! You're the perfect weight for my ad. If only you were a foot taller!
TMP, okay, I can promise 20 seconds.
Comments by Avitable
Found: Strong-willed woman to grumble while cleaning dishes, do laundry, hang shirts that can't be dried in the dryer, wash dog, tidy house, go to the movies thirty minutes ahead of time if it means I get tons of cheap tasting movie foods, change sheets, put toilet paper on the dispenser, make others laugh, pick up and bleach socks, get the mail, kill all of the plants, change light bulbs that do not require a ladder or anything past my tippy toes, go grocery shopping, do small home repair that does not include plumbing or electricity, walk dog, fill soap dispensers, feed dog, call someone to clean gutters and/or fix roof, put steak out to thaw, sew holes in my shirts after Britt puts her cigs out on your chest, throw away my shredded socks and underwear and all other clothing that makes you look poor and dirty, laughs at most jokes, give dog medicine, tie my shoelaces, pinch my butt, and wake me up in the morning. Is certified in CPR and is willing to give stitches without asking any questions to why it was you got shot; and be able to stare down a rhino with a condescending look.
Comments by Brandi
Well done, Brandi!
Comments by Miss Britt
Brandi, bravo! Now all you have to do is pass the final test of being 5'10", 125 lbs, and eat like a rabbit - no meat allowed.
Britt, you're supposed to say "I would never put my cigarettes out on him!"
Comments by Avitable
Please read previous comment on earlier post about how I do not lie.
Comments by Miss Britt
Can't you at least pretend you're not going to scar me for the rest of my life?
Comments by Avitable
Um... sure... I can try.
Although, you big fucking baby, if I went through the SHIRT the likeliness of you being scarred for life is very slim.
Comments by Miss Britt
OK... I was all there until the 12-14 seconds sex thing... No can't do... After 5 years of drought I don't think I have that much control over myself...
Comments by DutchBitch
Does she stir your cereal before serving it, too? You're such a big baby! lol : )
Comments by cat
Britt, my shirts feel pain!
DB, I might be willing to stretch it a bit for a hottie from the Netherlands.
Cat, I just do as I'm told, that's all.
Comments by Avitable
I think your wife is irreplaceable.
Thank God. For us.
Comments by Sybil Law