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I had such a hard time keeping my eyes open on my drive home from Britt’s this evening. Right now, as I type this, I’m struggling to stay awake so that I can post and then go to bed. It did get me thinking about the things people try to keep themselves awake while driving:

  • Cold. You crank the AC up full blast and let yourself slowly get frostbite. Downfall? You just start to fall asleep and dream of snuggling under blankets.
  • Pain. You pinch yourself. Under your arms, your leg flab, your cheeks, whatever you can. Downfall? After a while, it just doesn’t hurt anymore.
  • Wind. Open the windows and sunroof, even on the interstate. Let the wind buffet you around as you drive and roar in your ears. Downfall? Sometimes it’s still soothing!
  • Noise. Crank your stereo up to the top volume and find a fast beat to listen to. Downfall? Even a fast beat can start to lull you back to sleep.
  • Pleasure. Start masturbating while you’re driving. It keeps your brain interested and can keep you active. Downfall? Well, if you aren’t careful and let yourself ejaculate, the wind whipping through the car at 90 miles an hour can create quite a mess, and even though you’ll be wide awake as you’re trying to deal with the stringy streams of jizz that are flying through the air, getting absolutely everywhere, it will take you an hour just to clean the car out enough to get rid of that “new jizz” smell.

What things do you do when you’re trying to stay awake during a drive?

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47 Replies to “Toothpicks”

  1. Donisia

    Well actually the best way to keep yourself awake is by chewing gum. The jaw action of chewing helps supply oxygen to the old noggin, therby helping one stay awake. Not as colorful as masterbating, but it does work! :thumbsup:

  2. ADW

    I prefer to have someone else drive me at all times. In the rare cases that I don’t have a driver and I get tired, I sit on a railroad spike. Painful, but there’s no ignoring it.

  3. AnnieB

    I visualize myself lying on the side of the road, my car totally smashed up, blue lights flashing, the people that wish me dead rejoicing. You know, happy thoughts.

  4. Avitable

    RW, can your little car go fast enough for a cop to chase you? Do you have put your feet on the ground and run, through the flooboards?

    Amanda, so you’re not one those “squirters”.

    Mixednut, you see, that’s just a lullaby to me, so I can’t think of that or I’ll fall right asleep.

    Kal, that seems like a pretty good idea.

    Donisia, except that I’m always chewing gum. I buy gum by the case, and usually when I’m sleepy while driving, I already have a piece of gum in my mouth.

    Mr. Fabulous, I actually thought that when I got home. “Hmmm, Mr. Fab’s going to be really surprised that I didn’t reply instantly.”

    NYCWD, I never know any lyrics.

    Heather, you dance, too?

    ADW, I always have to drive. Having someone else drive will make me crazy.

    AnnieB, do you close your eyes to visualize this? Because that sounds like it would lead to sleeping!

  5. Y2K Survivor

    uh…. office etiquette aside… I learned the wonders of Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng years ago while Mrs. Y2K and I got our Master’s Degrees. Working all day then driving an hour to Tulsa for classes had us coming home around 11:30 pm several nights a week. WAYYYY too late for old fuckers to be rocked gently in a car traveling faster than a mile a minute. Other than that, I seem to shake my head alot as I start to doze off.

  6. MsFreud

    I find taking micro-naps on straight streches of highway is good… but waking up from them is a bitch. 🙂 The only time I was in danger of sleeping while driving- I found the motivation of my psychotic mother driving the “land cruising hovercraft” car behind me enough to keep me running full steam at 80mph.

    Of course… Annie’s plan is best. A few lines before getting on the road was always a good help- but that was before I had to play grown up.

  7. Avitable

    Britt, I can still hear you even when you’re outside!

    Y2K, if I drank tea, I’d try that.

    Topncal, what about pouring it on your head and crotch? That might be a good idea, too. I’ll have to try it.

    Heather, she thinks I wank under the desk. It’s usually just standing up behind her head.

    Amy, you always have your thumbs ready for awesome eye-gouging, don’t you?

    Annie, I’m anti donor-cycle.

    MsFreud, if I’m driving somewhere, I’m not pulling over to sleep. I can sleep when I get there!

    Sybil, I was hoping you were going to say that like me, you masturbate while you drive.

    Robin, pleasuring a man while he’s driving is easy!

    RW, now, RW, don’t be a crybaby. Go play with your toy car.

    Tracy, do you even know what driving is?

    Cat, I’d rather yank out pubic hair to stay awake.

    AnnieB, yes, thanks.

    Usedtobeme, never thought about crunchy and salty – that’s an interesting one.

    Mist, I’m usually annoyed because of the glare of the oncoming car’s headlights waking me up.

  8. Miss Britt

    you know, I was going to call you a liar – but then I’d have to endure the sound of your cracking boy in puberty voice when you try to convince me “I don’t liiiieee”.

    And that’s almost worse than the masturbating.

  9. Wayne

    Rule #1 for me: singing.

    Rule #2: open windows

    Rule #3: stick headset on and call someone

    I’ve done the 23hr drive from Austin to Pittsburgh 5 times and only 2 of them had an actual sleeping rest stop in them. Can’t do it any more tho szzzzzzzzz

  10. Avitable

    Britt, I can’t help it. I just hit puberty.

    Amy, you are well-trained in maim-ology.

    Robin, yeah, cocks fit in well.

    Michael, must be nice to be an old grandpa who can do that!

    Wayne, yeah, calling people is usually good, too, because you have to stay awake to talk to them.

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