Saturday was the day.
The fateful day.
My Real Wife and my Work Wife (formerly my Blog Wife) were spending time together.
Without me.
While drinking.
Lots and lots of alcohol.
By having the woman who has seen that tattoo of the Martian Manhunter on my taint talk frankly with the woman who has actually touched said tattoo, only bad things could happen.
Acting as Designated Driver, I chauffeured the two drunk women home and attempted to find out what they discussed during their evening out. Fuckin' whores wouldn't tell me.
So now, my imagination has run wild . . .
Real Wife: So, what's it like working with Avitable? (Yes, my Real Wife calls me Avitable)
Work Wife: Well, he only seems to work in spurts of about 30 seconds at a time, and then he's exhausted and wants to sleep.
RW: Sounds like our sex life.
WW: Really? According to how he tells it, he's like John Holmes with the stamina of long-distance runner.
RW: More like Oliver Wendell Holmes with the stamina of a small-fused firecracker.
WW: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
RW: HAHAHAHAHA!
WW: Seriously, though, it's not too bad. But enough with the working in the underwear already!
RW: Well, I've tried to go through and throw away the pairs that have holes in the crotch so his balls aren't always hanging out.
WW: I think you've missed a few pairs. And he definitely needs to shave or wax or something. It's like he shoved a bear rug down the front of his manties!
RW: His ass is even worse. It's like a Chia Pet gone wild.
WW: Oh, I know! My first day of work he treated me to four separate moonings. The one where he bent all the way over will scar me for life. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night screaming silently at least once a week now.
RW: I can tell you, eight years later, it does not get better. I still have my weekly ass-crack nightmare. If Avitable wakes up when it happens, he just laughs and laughs.
WW: That girly, high-pitched giggle?
RW: HA! Yup, that's the one. I swear, between the giggles, the room sprays, and the Gilmore Girls, he is such a woman.
WW: He told me that I was being mean and that I should be more sensitive yesterday.
RW: I hope you took away his man card.
WW: Not only did I take away his man card, I made him do Time Out in the corner for an hour.
RW: Good for you. He also hates it when you call him Ahmoo. Just don't use it too much or he might cry.
WW: Awesome! I'm so glad that we decided to do this. It's driving Avitable crazy, too.
RW: I know, and that's part of the fun!
WW: Hey, let's make out!
RW and WW: Muamauamammmauamaumaslurp.
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Not THAT RW!
Comments by RW
I almost believed it could of happened, until the make out session there at the end... damned men and their fantasies!
Comments by Sheila
Wow...it is just like I had always pictured it...
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Wow. So... do you still have an employee??? Are you still married???
Or did they run off together???
Comments by NYCWD
I think I just coughed up my left lung I laughed so hard!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
OMG, thank you for that. First thing I read this morning.
Love it!
Chelle
Comments by Cheldear
Is there an opening for your blog wife now that Britt has become your work wife? What duties are required for the position?
Comments by Dave2
Does your RW have a blog? I like her.
Comments by Robin
No, no. It went like this...
Me: Ahmoo is such a girl
Her: I know. At least he cleans and does laundry.
Me: Ah, I was wondering how you stayed married to him.
Her: Well it sure isn't for the sex. Jeez.
Me: Really? I'm sorry. What do you do to get by?
Her: Did I introduce you to this cute little waiter at the gay bar who works in his tightie whities?
Me: No... (OK, she thinks this got awkward, changin the subject, I get it)
Me (again): It's too bad all these guys are gay.
Her: They're not. The straight ones just do it for the tips.
Me: Oh. Really? Wow. How do you know all this stuff?
Her: Did I tell you about how I'm married to a girl?
Comments by Miss Britt
I think you had to throw in the make out scene at the end just so you could forgive all the talk before hand.
Comments by Shelli
RW, are you sure? I see a resemblance.
Sheila, it's all true!!
Mr. Fabulous, I pictured it with more nudity.
NYCWD, I've still got both wives. Sigh.
Geeky, laughing AT me or WITH me?
Chelle, it's good to start off the day with some emasculating humor.
Dave, the duties vary based on the position. Are you more interested in missionary or doggystyle?
Robin, no, she doesn't understand blogs.
Britt, luckily she doesn't know about the housecleaner I pay to clean and do laundry.
Shelli, I'm just transcribing based on the listening device I attached to Britt's ass the day before.
Comments by Avitable
I would bet that they did not make out after. Or have a pillow fight. OR even go to a strip club.
You imagination is one of a kind.....
Comments by themuttprincess
Yeah. Just think. If someone were to tell her about the person you pay to clean house and do laundry, she'd have NO use for you.
Oh, by the way, did I tell you I've been meaning to buy a new purse?
Comments by Miss Britt
Since I'm a girl... I know Britt will let me in on the entire evening... and I won't tell you either.
Comments by Amy
You know those blog entries that are so complete, it seems as if they need no comment. This is one of those.
Comments by Brandi
did you watch britt's kids while she partied with your real wife?
Comments by hellohahanarf
It sucks being a girly man doen't it? I mean unless you're gay, the gals tend to not include you in the pillow fights and make out sessions.
Comments by ADW
You like Gilmore Girls? cool.
Comments by bubblewench
Ah, so THAT's why you always correct me referring you to Ahmoo or Ahpoo. Or Ahchoo. I still like AH-vi-TAH-blay.
Comments by Wayne
Sheesh... I miss the days that The Chief was still married and I could talk like that with the RW... and make out...
Comments by DutchBitch
Yeah, Erik can't type and really never goes on the computer.
Comments by Robin
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
No girl on girl sex for you, dude. Wishful thinking, that. The rest is probably 100% right on, though.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
TMP, well, they were at a drag club.
Britt, purse? Or purses? With diamonds?
Amy, oooh, you suck!
Brandi, should I be proud or sad?
Hello, no, thank Jeebus. Her real husband did that.
ADW, I still try to get involved in those pillow fights and make-out sessions, though. Want to strip down and join me?
Bubblewench, it IS cool! Thank you.
Wayne, I have no problem with Avitahblay.
DB, well, you and Britt can talk like that and make out, anytime you want.
Robin, Amy's on the computer all day long. She understands what a blog is, but she just doesn't get it.
Tracy, let a boy dream, will ya?
Comments by Avitable
Oh really?
You are too kind...
BRITTTT!!!!!
Comments by DutchBitch
Freaking hilarious. Put your version to some sweet porn music, bong chicka bow wow... nice!
You hairy girl...
Speaking of music, when do you decide the winner to the contest?!
Comments by Sybil Law
World's collide.
Comments by annie
Probably more like, "Hey - let's make... two gin and tonics and watch "Never Been Kissed!"
Comments by BOSSY
DB, just get it on video for me, okay?
Sybil, I'm picking it on Friday.
Annie, it's a horrifying thing.
Bossy, why do you have to ruin my fantasy?
Comments by Avitable
Well, at least you got a few years out of it before you turned her gay. I'd prolly go gay for Miss Britt, too.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
Let's make out... That always happens with me and my girlfriends! It's a wonder we get anything done!
Comments by Humor Girl
A lot of people don't get it. Erik gets it and wishes he could blog but he just doesn't have the drive.
Comments by Robin
KG, me too!
HG, do you have video?
Robin, yup.
Comments by Avitable
HAHA lmao! Too perfect. That's how I envisioned it as well.
Comments by Sarcastica