My name is RW and I will never come back here again.
When I logged on I had a post all ready to go on my clipboard and all I was going to have to do was paste it and set the time and never have to do this again as long as I lived.
But the moment I got settled in here a popup took over my screen and I had to find a way (with my limited internet skills) to X it out before my wife walked in!
See, I'm the kind of a guy who, when he enters "MILF" into his Google search, gets detailed news about the Moro Islamic Liberation Front - and is actually looking for that! So how was I supposed to explain these cycling photographs of throbbing members and generous orbs to the Mrs if she came in right then?
My God, though, I thought they were trying to start a damn fire for Christ's sake!
Anyway, once I got rid of that, all of a sudden this burgeoning penile object started expanding into the screen from the "Save and Continue Editing" button. My God. It was green and veiny and the head looked like a German soldier or something. I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to get rid of that... so I started clicking it. But every time I clicked it all I got was these stupid moaning sounds. So I stopped and just waited. And I waited. And I waited.
It didn't go away until it took over everything and then all of a sudden my whole screen was white and I had to start all over again! And now I have no idea what this stuff is all over my cursor, but it's been trailing this... gunk around as I move it from point to point on the screen. So listen - if there are any misspelled words after the third paragraph - don't look at me!
Needless to say by the time I was ready to paste my entry into the post box my clipboard had already been erased but for that tit bounding icon over there in the smilies. Everywhere I clicked - bounding tits, bounding tits, bounding tits. It was ridiculous!
Then when I minimized my browser to reopen Word and copy it again - my wallpaper was a picture of a red snake wrapped around some woman's leg with this animated little tongue kind of wiggling towards her... well there.
And when a new popup showed up saying "Out of memory. Download aborted" I found myself yelling "WHAT download!!?" At the top of my lungs.
Now every time I've tried to open a program since, all I get are pictures of Bambi getting it up the ass from Jiminy Cricket, Mother Teresa's head going back and forth and back and forth in front of some guy in a garage, and all kinds of things just like that. By the way, I had no idea people's waists were that flexible!
Now I seem to have tits popping up like daisies at random for a screensaver. sigh...
How does this guy FUNCTION in this universe!?!??
So I'm outta here. My entire photo collection of lapidary anomalies is GONE. So are my Balance sheets for the 793 stocks I'm following. My treatise on conceptual design of the electrical balance of plants for an advanced battery energy storage facility is RUINED. Forget this noise, I'm not staying here a minute longer.
You people following me this week, consider yourselves warned. Now I know why everybody wanted me to go first.
You bastards.
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RW, you're a dork. And brave for going first.
Comments by Poppy
PS - I think I have a cold, so I'm here to sspreadd it.
Comments by Poppy
I can't believe you didn't see that coming! The first time I logged in to make a comment my cursor turned into a penis with S.S. Avitable tattooed on the side!
Oh, and thanks a bunch for setting the bar so high. I'm Wednesday so I'm screwed (and not in that you-know-what kind of way!!!)
Comments by Amy
Excellent guest post, RW.
Comments by e.Craig
It's all about multitasking.
Comments by Avitable
serves ya right.
Comments by Gino
You've taken "the dog ate it" to a whole new level.
Comments by golfwidow
U sure it wasn't actually Avi's leg the snake was wrapped around with and Avi's well... ehm.. business... the tongue doing.. well, "that" to?
Comments by DutchBitch
That's funny RW, but expected, don't ya think?
Comments by TrishK
It's a talent to deal with a lot of tits at once.
Comments by Robin
Golfwidow beat me to the "The dog ate it" excuse.
I think I found what the issue is: You're using Word.
(and I honestly believe it's the first time I hear a man complain about too many boobies.)
;-)
Comments by Mike
So now the dolphin video is your screen saver?
Comments by Turnbaby
This is the BEST guest poster I've read in a long time!!! Way to go RW!!
Comments by metalmom
Heh heh. Now I know what to expect for tomorrow. Thanks, sucker.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Being first is way better than being last, trust me ;). I love this post...very very creative and more stuff like that!
Comments by Hilly
I can kind of ignore the bouncing tits. It's the ass that makes me cringe
Comments by Capricorn Cringe
Poppy - Dork Pride!
Amy - I'm a naive dork I guess...
e. - A thankful naive dork.
Avitable - DON'T TALK TO ME.
Gino - I know. I should have stayed with political blogging. That way all I get is death threats.
golfwidow - No honest! It disappeared from my clipboard! Really!
Dutch - No it wasn't avi's leg. There weren't any hobbit tufts behind the knee.
Trish - I'm a thankful, naive, dork.
Robin - I never could juggle...
Mike - Well, you know, you seen one boob...
Turnbaby - No that's the background on my email now dammit!!!
metalmom - I'm an extra thankful naive dork.
Mr Fabulous - You just wait, mister. You'll get yours!
Hilly - Yes I suppose sloppy eighths is a lot worse than sloppy seconds. ew...
cap - Oh yeah, and THAT thing is now my default icon everywhere I go!
Comments by RW
RW, you poor bastard, you probably should have known. Planet Avitable is a creepy place, with very little oxygen.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
HAHA RW! That's awesome!
Ya I get sick of the bouncing boobs too. I have my own, if I really wanted to look at them I would. But I don't.
Comments by Sarcastica
Greetings from Homeland Security:
You sick sick bastard! It has come to our attention that using the power of the internet and a popular Web Log DBA "Avitable," YOU as a guest writer are in flagrant violation of several pornography laws. And since this crime was broadcast and bragged about on the popular web log "Avitable" you have effectively crossed state lines in the commission of your perverted activities. We have been following your on-line path of filth and depravity on the internet for only a few hours and have been appalled and disgusted by your frequent downloads of teen age porn. It would be bad enough if it was just teen age girls, but dolphins and Disney characters...? You make us sick!
As a result of the powers left to us by the revered leader Alberto Gonzales (may his example be a beacon to all law enforcement everywhere) we have seized your bank accounts, repossessed your home and activated the satellite based kill switch on all of your cars. A SWAT team is in route to your home and I can only (on a personal basis) wish that you would resist. Please put up a resistance!
Have a good day
– Commander Woodcock
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Great job, RW! You've made my day. Uh... not that it took much. I've been scrubbing floors and scooping the kitty litter. Uck!
Comments by birdie
Oh my God. RW said tits. TITS! Like over and over and over again!!
Comments by Miss Britt
Tracy - Is that what that gag reflex is all about?
Sarcastica - Which is, you know, the way it is supposed to be.
Y2 - That's quite enough kool aid for you.
birdie - Don't go raising my expectations or anything.
Britt - I have a question; is "Britt's Tits" anything like "Blue's Clues"?
Comments by RW
I'll never look at the world the same way again.
And no.
Comments by Miss Britt
Britt - Sounds ok with the same music tho... (walks away singing in his head)
Comments by RW
Oh great now I have that damn song stuck in my head too! "I just saw some Britt's tits! I just saw some Britt's tits! I just saw some Britt's tits, I wonder how they'll feel?"
Comments by cris
Yes ok - thank you cris and good night now.
Comments by RW
You don't fool me - I happen to read Avi's email when I'm bored and I saw you ask to do this again next year already.
Comments by Wayne
Wayne, I thought you hacked into his email just to get the naked nun pictures...
Comments by RW
This post cracked me up...RW doing comedy.
NICE.
Comments by Tug
Why Tug you sound so surprised.
Well actually you don't really sound surprised. In fact I can't hear you at all. If anything you sound like a fan going in the background.
How do you do that?
Comments by RW
I blow well, but don't give away my secrets.
Mama always told me to do what I'm good at.
Comments by Tug
You do realize that this said at any other venue would sound different, don't you?
Comments by RW
Comments by Tug