So, who is surprised that I am guest posting?

Not you? Or you? Oh you KNEW I'd be on the list, did you?

Shame on you. You all should be shocked. Because if you understood the dynamic of the Miss Britt/Avitable relationship, you would know that he does the favors, and I do the reneging on promises made before said favor was granted. (And yet "I'll show you my boobs" still works. Dumb ass.)

But when asked to do a guest post, I couldn't resist the opportunity to FINALLY bring to this blog what it has been so desperately lacking for… mmmm…. about a year now.

Adam and I constantly argue about blogging (no, really, we are losers) and about how MY blog (that's www.miss-britt.com – go there, bookmark me, become a fan, we have boobs) is a sincere, honest reflection of me. And how his blog is a steaming pile of shit carefully constructed facade meant to delude you into thinking he's a soulless perv.

He maintains that his blog is an accurate portrayal of who he is.

He is, as usual, full of shit. And I take great pleasure in revealing to you today the Real Adam Heath Avitable.

First of all, Avitable maintains that he is a raging pervert who thinks about sex most of the time and perversions against nature the rest of the time.

Acutally, Adam is one of the most a-sexual people I know. I mean sure, he has an odd obsession with 16-18 year old girls. That is, unfortunately, very true. And he does masturbate more than any person I've ever met in life (I just wish he'd stop doing it when I'm in the house). But he's also never been in a strip club. Ever. And he actually READS THE ARTICLES in Playboy. And he has never hit on me. Ever. Which is a sure fire sign that he is not in the least bit interested in sex. Clearly.

Avitable also goes to great lengths to convince you all that he doesn't care about anyone besides himself. He hates people and is a selfish, egotistical bastard.

Adam is, in fact, an egotistical bastard. And I don't think anyone has ever asked me "but what do you think of ME?" more times in one day as this man. I'm running out of creative ways to respond to "do you think I'm pretty/smart/funny?"

But. He is one of the least selfish people I've ever met.

He tucks his wife in every night for bed. If she's out of town, he does it by phone. He also calls her "sweetie" and constantly apologizes for things he admittedly has no reason to apologize for – simply because it "makes her feel better".

He went to great lengths to make plans for me every weekend the first month I moved to Florida. Because he couldn't stand the idea of me "being alone".

And he's loaned more money to more people than most people will make this year (himself included). I'm quite possibly the only person he hasn't loaned money to – unless you count the salary.

And while he does have a tendency to loan money and pick up the tab as an act of superiority – he is generous in other, more altruistic ways.

You need a ride? Adam's your guy. You get invited to a bachelorette party and turn it down because there's no way you're drinking and driving 30 minutes home? Adam will drive 30 minutes to pick you up, take you out, wait for your 3 AM call, and return you safely home. Completely un-felt up.

You hate your husband/mother/friend/kids/self/God/life/cat/neighbors/in-laws/and those cock suckers at Home Depot? He'll sit on the phone for two hours and assure you that those people are "ridiculous" and clearly there is nothing wrong with YOU.

But Adam is more than a generous chauffeur with big shoulders to cry on.

He is also the biggest bundle of Issues you'll ever meet. Amy and I use to jokingly call him the Issueless Wonder, because Denial is at the top of the Issue List. Right above Fear Of Things I Cannot Control.

He's insecure. And afraid. And uncomfortable. And stressed. And disappointed. And embarrassed. And self conscious. And paranoid. And unsure of his future.

Just like us.

And he's also…

…well, the big stuff I could never go into. The secrets he hides in his closet, under the desk, behind the bravado and on that ridiculous hard drive of his – those I would never relay here. Because Adam and I have an understanding – a deal, if you will.

I won't spill his – because I know without a doubt, he'd never spill mine.

Now. Get your ass over to MY blog. I'll show you my boobs.

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