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Tha Man, The Myth, The Legend

Awwww kissie kissie

So, who is surprised that I am guest posting?

Not you? Or you? Oh you KNEW I’d be on the list, did you?

Shame on you. You all should be shocked. Because if you understood the dynamic of the Miss Britt/Avitable relationship, you would know that he does the favors, and I do the reneging on promises made before said favor was granted. (And yet “I’ll show you my boobs” still works. Dumb ass.)

But when asked to do a guest post, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to FINALLY bring to this blog what it has been so desperately lacking for… mmmm…. about a year now.

Adam and I constantly argue about blogging (no, really, we are losers) and about how MY blog (that’s – go there, bookmark me, become a fan, we have boobs) is a sincere, honest reflection of me. And how his blog is a steaming pile of shit carefully constructed facade meant to delude you into thinking he’s a soulless perv.

He maintains that his blog is an accurate portrayal of who he is.

He is, as usual, full of shit. And I take great pleasure in revealing to you today the Real Adam Heath Avitable.

First of all, Avitable maintains that he is a raging pervert who thinks about sex most of the time and perversions against nature the rest of the time.

Acutally, Adam is one of the most a-sexual people I know. I mean sure, he has an odd obsession with 16-18 year old girls. That is, unfortunately, very true. And he does masturbate more than any person I’ve ever met in life (I just wish he’d stop doing it when I’m in the house). But he’s also never been in a strip club. Ever. And he actually READS THE ARTICLES in Playboy. And he has never hit on me. Ever. Which is a sure fire sign that he is not in the least bit interested in sex. Clearly.

Avitable also goes to great lengths to convince you all that he doesn’t care about anyone besides himself. He hates people and is a selfish, egotistical bastard.

Adam is, in fact, an egotistical bastard. And I don’t think anyone has ever asked me “but what do you think of ME?” more times in one day as this man. I’m running out of creative ways to respond to “do you think I’m pretty/smart/funny?”

But. He is one of the least selfish people I’ve ever met.

He tucks his wife in every night for bed. If she’s out of town, he does it by phone. He also calls her “sweetie” and constantly apologizes for things he admittedly has no reason to apologize for – simply because it “makes her feel better”.

He went to great lengths to make plans for me every weekend the first month I moved to Florida. Because he couldn’t stand the idea of me “being alone”.

And he’s loaned more money to more people than most people will make this year (himself included). I’m quite possibly the only person he hasn’t loaned money to – unless you count the salary.

And while he does have a tendency to loan money and pick up the tab as an act of superiority – he is generous in other, more altruistic ways.

You need a ride? Adam’s your guy. You get invited to a bachelorette party and turn it down because there’s no way you’re drinking and driving 30 minutes home? Adam will drive 30 minutes to pick you up, take you out, wait for your 3 AM call, and return you safely home. Completely un-felt up.

You hate your husband/mother/friend/kids/self/God/life/cat/neighbors/in-laws/and those cock suckers at Home Depot? He’ll sit on the phone for two hours and assure you that those people are “ridiculous” and clearly there is nothing wrong with YOU.

But Adam is more than a generous chauffeur with big shoulders to cry on.

He is also the biggest bundle of Issues you’ll ever meet. Amy and I use to jokingly call him the Issueless Wonder, because Denial is at the top of the Issue List. Right above Fear Of Things I Cannot Control.

He’s insecure. And afraid. And uncomfortable. And stressed. And disappointed. And embarrassed. And self conscious. And paranoid. And unsure of his future.

Just like us.

And he’s also…

…well, the big stuff I could never go into. The secrets he hides in his closet, under the desk, behind the bravado and on that ridiculous hard drive of his – those I would never relay here. Because Adam and I have an understanding – a deal, if you will.

I won’t spill his – because I know without a doubt, he’d never spill mine.

Now. Get your ass over to MY blog. I’ll show you my boobs.

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46 Replies to “Tha Man, The Myth, The Legend”

  1. Miss Britt

    Avitable: Sure.

    Adam, get up. I know you’re not dead. Laying very still on your couch is not going to get me to strip down and do your eulogy. For Pete’s sake.

    Amy: must be in your SPAM filter.

    RW: wait til you see the air humping… that shit is GOLDEN!

    Angel: oh now you can’t go telling him that his blog IS a real reflection of himself. I’m going to lose $50 now!

    Peggy: most of my best friends have been and are male. I’m not sure what that says about me.

    Except that girls hate me.

    Amanda: yep, pretty much.

    bluepaintred: I can assure you, that is not true.

    I don’t do pain. At all. Ever. For any reason.

    Mr. Fabulous: I’ll swap you emails for penis pictures

    TrishK: I think it’s more like Iron Wall

    Avitable: I’m not a nun. And I bruise easily.

    Knock that shit off.

  2. Miss Britt

    NYCWD: no, you’re at the much IMPROVED blog. 😉

    BOSSY: I’ve sent him to the mall to pick me up something pretty.

    metalmom: every word of it is true actually. I do luuurrrve him. When he does what he’s told.

    Poppy: see, you and I know, he’s just a poser! POSER!

    hellohahanarf: I know, EVERYONE should be asking for guest posts now!

    Angel: OH, Ok. Gotcha. So long as we can agree that he is a failure.

    themuttprincess: yes, but I’m not doing those “favors” he asked to get it.

    Hope this will do instead.

    Britt’s mom: oh, this is rich. My mom teaching people about when it’s appropriate to speak and when it’s not.

    Hee hee hee

    Poppy: my mom is pretty cool. 😀

    Turnbaby: wait – people read for comprehension?!?

    I was just sure after Fab… hm..

  3. Robin

    It’s good to learn of another side of Avi, I never believed the hype.

    As far as your blog…I tend to read it pretty regularly but you never visit me so I kind of gave up. I have a “goes both ways” policy with blogging and not in the way it sounds.

  4. jasmine

    Britt… what a great tribute to a good friend, you’re the best and this was a really nice post. I’ve always known Adam is a different person for real than his “blog persona” and I’m so glad he’s got you and Mrs. Avitable to take care of him. You two are part of the reason he’s such a great guy. Fab’s the other part.

  5. Miss Britt

    Robin: I used to really make an effort to always do reciprocal comments and read everyone who read me, etc. etc. etc. But I just found I didn’t have the time.

    Now I blog as much as I can, hope people read me for me, and read a whole crap ton of blogs when I have time. But I don’t do near as much commenting as I used to.

    It might affect my traffic, but it’s much less stressful!

    Turnbaby: and here I thought the entire blogosphere had lost there ability to do that.

    You’ve restored my faith in blogmanity Turnbaby!

    Poppy: I don’t know – clearly his smilies are lacking.

    Tracy Lynn: I know, it’s the same reason I put up with all the masturbating in my office.

    DeannaBanana: great. I can’t tell YOU no.

    Damn it.

    jasmine: you’re right. I think we can all agree that Avi is clearly a product of the awesome ass people around him.

  6. Brandi

    As amazing as it is, I also heard that he makes donates tons of money so that orphans can go to ivy league universities and on Saturdays he invites them to his house to come swimming with him. He LOVES *squeee* talking about hardships and making it through while in group hugs. On Sundays he volunteers at the humane society bathing the poop off of the silly puppy wuppies who think its cute to roll in their own feces. He even adopted the little water-headed runt so because it was just sooo funny when he would bark and shit at the same time!

  7. Miss Britt

    Brandi: he has actually had to discontinue the weekend swimfests as a condition of his probation. So sad.

    Robin: yeah – part of the reason I stopped stressing about it is because I realized a) some people comment ONLY for the traffic they hope to get out of it and b) a lot of people are like me – reading without commenting.

    turnbaby: :batting:

    Janelle: I’m a sweet girl, what can I say?

    summer: yeah, he does love all his wives. Not equally – but still.

    Bethie: i don’t know what’s wrong. I look at my blog and see boobs!

    Mike: thank you 🙂

    Sarcastica: dang it, here I thought this would be earth shattering!! LOL

    e.craig: thank you!

  8. Robin

    I don’t do it for the traffic because I don’t care how many people visit but like I said I do understand. It’s just how I am online and in real life. I need to feel I get the same from my friends that I give. I enjoy reading you though 😀

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