In case you don't know me, I'm Amy from Amy's Musings. I know, I know, it must seem very strange for a wholesome, mother of 3 to be friends with someone I affectionately refer to as "The Anti-Christ" but I assure you, you just don't know the Adam Avitable that I know.
And, honestly, if it weren't for the nude pics that Adam is holding over my head, I would not be writing this post. Of course, if he hadn't taken advantage of me when I was drunk, he wouldn't have the pictures. He still owes me a naked dance video though, the bastard. (And, Adam, I expect said dance video to include ass-less chaps and a large Stetson hat.)
Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Well, most of us are smart enough to keep them in our closet. Not our good friend, Adam, though. He either keeps the dry cleaning in the closet and hangs the skeletons out the window or his skeletons are the polar opposite of our skeletons. I'm not sure which the case may be but I do have a sneaking suspicion.
That being said, I think we all love to play along with his image that he is evil, nasty, and cares little if anything at all for his fellow human beings. Even with his self-professed apathy he still does the occasional unintentional good deed; I owe him a debt of gratitude, thanks to him my husband is obsessed with snakes and dolphins and I have a lot more time to myself.
But, there is another side to Adam Avitable aside from being a complete workaholic; he's also a brilliant baker. Really, no kidding! The man is a genius in the kitchen and should probably have his own show on the Food Network. My title suggestion would be, "Cooking With Avitable" because that sounds both like a grumpy chef AND an exotic ingredient!
Many a night I have found myself depressed, sad, and in need of a friend. Somehow I always end up hunched over my keyboard picking Adam's brain via IM and discovering new uses for Cream of Tartar or brilliant substitutes for vegetable oil. Prior to my conversations with Adam, I had no idea that baking chocolate chip cookies while naked on webcam would make my cookies even more moist and chewy than baking with clothes on! I mean, sure I had 3rd degree burns on both my nipples, but people raved about those cookies! I did feel bad for Adam though, he said he had a seizure as I was pulling out the last batch, I suppose that explains why his eyes were rolling back in his head and his right arm kept spasming, I had no idea he had temporary epilepsy! And, I'd love to tell you about my muffins, but he made me promise to keep that our little secret.
Then there was the time I wore a white shirt to a Mexican restaurant and ended up with a nasty salsa stain. Bemoaning my misfortune to Adam he quickly rallied to the defense of my shirt and suggested several stain removers. Sure, I had a hard time locating a bum to ejaculate on the stain... but it did come out in the wash!
In return, I think I'm a pretty good friend to him as well. Just like the time he told me he needed a stun gun but that the laws in Florida prohibited him from purchasing one if the stores had security cameras. Imagine my surprise to learn that Florida has such strict laws!! I bought one at a store across town and shipped it right out to him. I sure hope he got rid of those gophers in his front lawn!
So, that's my little stint at guest posting here in Avitaland. You know, it's funny because a lot of times when people guest post it sort of turns out like a roast for the hosting blogger. I hope that instead you guys got to learn something about Adam that you never knew or even suspected.
And, Avitaland really is a nice place. Really!! I don't recommend using the bathroom though, it's hard to relieve yourself when you are trying to avoid the dildos and butt plugs that are attached to the toilet seat not to mention that strange little camera looking thing under the toilet seat that Adam assured me was a toilet bowl ionizer.
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FIRST COMMENT W00t!!!!!
Comments by Bethie
Enjoyed your guest post immensely, Amy.
Comments by e.craig
Great. ANOTHER place I can't go to the bathroom.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I guess when I am at the Halloween party I will have to take a leak in the pool...
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Awww..see,again, between you and Miss Britt, the true Mr. Avitable comes out!!
Comments by TrishK
I just read where the Church of Avitableness has been put on CultWatch.
Comments by RW
Well, it's true that I am like Martha Stewart, except slightly less evil.
Comments by Avitable
This was great. Avitable, Every day I love you a little more.You, marshmallow!
Comments by metalmom
If you can cook, why do I have to bring fucking leftovers for lunch every day? Bastard.
Thanks Amy - now I know to hold out for a real meal!
Comments by Miss Britt
Don't all girls squat over the toilet, anyway?!
This post is hilarious!
It's pretty much how I pictured his house and him to be...
Comments by Sybil Law
he promised you a naked dancing vid? he promised ME pics of his ball sac!!!!!
Comments by Crys
Now I really really want some chocolate chip cookies.
Comments by NYCWD
Bethie - Well, pin a rose on your nose!
e.craig - Thank you.
Tracy - Aren't you glad I warned you?
Fab - I highly recommend it!
Trish - We do what we can.
RW - Just? JUST? WOW, you would have thought it would have hit that list a long time ago.
Avi - True. Now where's my video?
MetalMom - Yep, he's a marshmallow, if marshmallows are actually puffy, sugary little balls of pervert.
Britt - Don't hold your breath.
Sybil - My accuracy even impressed me.
Crys - Yowza, wouldn't you rather have the dance video?
NYCWD - Me too! But I'm not making them!!
Comments by Amy
Can he french braid too?! He seems perfect.
Comments by Brandi
Wow, should I feel bad that my post will have *nothing* to do with how awesome Adam is? :D
Comments by Poppy
Brandi - I'm sure if you were wearing a low cut shirt he would offer to french braid your hair just to get the opportunity to peek over your shoulder.
Poppy - Why am I concerned that my post is seen as touting Adam's "awesomeness?"
Comments by Amy
Bossy doesn't think Avitable is Misunderstood, she thinks he's MisterUnderstood.
Comments by BOSSY
Amy, hehehehehehe. :) I read between lines.
Comments by Poppy
Thank god he has you as a friend to keep him grounded.
Comments by themuttprincess
Wait, wait, wait... there are nudie pictures of Amy on the interwebs? Why was I not informed of this immediately?
Comments by Joefish
Joe now wins top spot for biggest perv! Adam, you have been UNSEATED!
Comments by Poppy
Bossy - Agreed!!
Poppy -
TMP - Grounded? What would the fun be in that?
Joe - Maybe because you never comment on MY blog anymore. *sob* You don't write... you don't call...
Poppy - Are you sure? Need I remind you about the dolphins and the snakes... AND the guy hanging from the sealing by his bits and pieces?
Comments by Amy
Amy, those things aren't perverted, they're disgusting. Joe's a perv, Adam's a criminal.
Comments by Poppy
Excellent point!
Comments by Amy
I'd even ignore it when he "accidently" drops the rubber band down my cleavage and needs to recover it, if it means I get my hair done!
Comments by Brandi
Hmmm... I hate when I accidentally sit on a but plug. On purpose, well that's another story.
Comments by ADW
What a great post! It shows both his creepy side, and his soft side!
Comments by Sarcastica