I'm Dave from Blogography, and I shouldn't even be here today.
When Avitable asked me to guest-post on his blog, I immediately said "yes" thinking that he was going on a vacation, or needed time to work on a business project, or was having a sex change or whatever. Like me, he's a daily blogger, and so I'm sympathetic to the idea that he might need time away from his blog for something important like that.
Of course, now I know that he's not doing anything important, he just "needs a break."
What a pussy.
I mean, come on! I crank out an entry for my blog every day... even if I'm heinously ill, have no internet access, or am traveling half a world away. Once I even blogged while dead.* But Avitable... he just "wants a break."
And so here I am.
Time to get this show on the road...
MONEY!!
One of my favorite fantasies that doesn't involve chocolate pudding and Elizabeth Hurley is that I somehow acquire a billion dollars. With such a huge sum of money, very little would be out of my reach... razing Mt. Rainier National Park and erecting a fifty-story-tall monument to myself suddenly goes from absurd dream to stunning possibility. And I've got hundreds of other cool ideas, all equally awesome.
But something I've never had the balls to contemplate (until now, anyway) is what Avitable would do with such vast wealth. Because, let's face it, the guy is one seriously twisted individual. While it would be amusing to watch somebody like me spend a cool billion, Avitable would be just plain scary. Here's just a few things we might be forced to endure...
- The Kingdom of Avitablania... Is there anything more frightening than the thought of Avitable as the dictator of his own country? Could there be a more hedonistic and self-indulgent nation on earth? Though you've got to respect any country whose primary export would be either poodle porn or taco-flavored lube.
- Bestiality Theme Park... Everybody's heard of a "petting zoo"... Avitable could take things to the next level and create a heavy-petting zoo. A happy place where he could indulge in all the man-on-snake sex and dolphin fellatio his heart desires.
- Avitable News Network... Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of Ted Turner, Billionaire Avitable could start his own news network, where top stories would involve Avril Lavigne getting a bikini wax and in-depth reports on scrotum-shaving techniques.
And there you have it. I blog so Adam doesn't have to... the lazy bastard.
Now I'm curious to know what Avitable's legion of fans think he would do with a billion dollars. Would his antics be an entertaining diversion, or the end of life on earth as we know it?
*Well, dead-drunk, but still...
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Avitable New Network? Hmm...I might watch that. After all, look what Ted Turner did with his. What could be worse?
How could you tease us with a possible Avitablania? Ah, Nirvana...so close and yet so far...
Comments by metalmom
Adam already had a billion dollars. He spent it on action figures, comic books and rooms that have ridiculously blue walls. What... you want more of that??
Comments by RW
I, personally, would welcome an Avitable Billionaire.
But only because I know I would be able to convince him to spend loads of it on me. "I'll show you my Boobs!!"
BTW - the Dave and Monkey in the car video kicks the Adam and Hitler in the car video's ASS.
Comments by Miss Britt
I think he'd fake poverty and a crushing illness and make people think he's dying, and he just needs to raise a little money for some rare surgery and end up collecting a couple hundred thousand from the blogosphere.
Then he'd post the names and amounts of all the donors as a "The Biggest Loser" list and post it and then take our money and hire midgets to spell out "Avitable rocks" on a football field while they play his theme song on kazoos.
Comments by Wayne
I recently read that there is a very exclusive club in Japan (of course) where you can have sex with an animal of your choice, then have a chef cook it up, and eat it. I could see Avitable blowing a few mil there, easy.
Comments by y not i
First off... that video is AWESOME!!!
As for what he would do with the billion some odd dollars... just off the top of my head... he would create the Ahmoo Media Empire which would more importantly consist of all known comic publishers including Marvel and DC and Dreamworks Motion Pictures... and THEN we would finally see GOOD comic book movies like Justice League and The Ultimates.
Of course... as his Sci-Fi advisor... he'd also need to purchase MechWarrior from WizKids... and then FINALLY we would have a decent MechWarrior movie with the full glory of the Clans on the big screen.
Ok... so maybe that last part is what I would do with a billion dollars... and that's just off the top of my head.
I haven't even mentioned Dragonlance yet...
Comments by NYCWD
That video = awesome.
I'd vote for the News Network...that would be some fucked up shit that I would love to see!
Comments by Hilly
I'm just confused because I thought we were already living in The Kingdom of Avitablania...where the hell AM I???
Comments by Tug
Hehehehehehe, you said pussy. :D
Comments by Poppy
(Yah, I know how to focus on the important stuff.)
Comments by Poppy
RW nailed it!!!! NAILED IT!!!
And, this post and video are freaking awesome!
Comments by Amy
Great video! I vote we change the banner here to that.
Comments by Trish
damn, avi goes away for a few days and you guys want to throw away his banner while saying how much this video kicks his video's ass. wow, nuttin like getting thrown under the bus. i still luuurve yew, avitable.
but i do SO love what dave has done. sorry. here, look at boobs!
Comments by hellohahanarf
I can't see a video! WAH!
Otherwise, great plans. Maybe he'll appoint you to some great position to help run the town/ country... yeah, no. No; he wouldn't, would he? He'd probably just make you get a boob job.
I'd seriously watch the news network!
Comments by Sybil Law
Ah. Avitable and his own country.
Comments by Sarcastica
I'll have you know that I am a billionaire. I just haven't earned all of it yet.
Comments by Avitable
I think avitablania is a place you'd only visit once
Great video, even as a nazi he's adorable
Comments by Amanda
Let Bossy guess: Otherwise Avitable is a really really nice and really really misunderstood guy. He is a guy, right?
(Oh, you know Bossy loves you, Avitable.)
Comments by BOSSY
I
Dave2.
Comments by Brandi
metalmom... Avitablania may be a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. The taxes levied to support Avitable's excessive lifestyle would be obscene!
RW... Can anybody ever truly get enough Avitable?
Miss Britt... I don't think there's anything I could show Avitable that would convince him to spend loads of money on me. At least I hope not.
Wayne... You had me up until the kazoos... Avitable is a classy bastard, and I'm sure he would insist on autoharps or something equally tasteful.
y not i... Or opening a franchise in his back yard.
NYCWD... Well, there may be hope for MechWarrior now that Transformers pulled in big bank and Star Raiders is in production.
Hilly... So long as you realize that extending viewings of the Avitable News Network can lead to insanity and death.
Tug... The Land of Imagination. Mr. Rogers died and must have left you trapped there! Quick head for King Friday's castle and hop on the train!!
Poppy... Hey, around here, TACT ain't the only thing that's for pussies!
Amy... Yes, and let's hope that RW doesn't get prosecuted for his actions. I suppose I should start some kind of defense fund?
Trish... Actually, I vote that ALL BLOGS put me in their header. Just think of how much better the blogosphere would be if everywhere you went, a Lil' Dave was waiting for you.
Hellohahanarf... Well, that's what Avitable gets for abandoning his post! Just think... if he had done that during World War II, Hitler would have won, and you'd be looking at HIS face in this blog banner! Oh, wait a second...
Sybil... But I don't want a boob job! My boobs (or lack thereof) are perfect just how the are!
Sarcastica... Yes, the horror. The horror.
Avitable... And heaven help us all when you do. I like Disney World just the way it is.
Amanda... Considering most people would never survive a single visit, you're probably right.
BOSSY... Yes, he is a really really nice misunderstood guy that enjoys man-on-snake porn and movies of guys blowing dolphins.
Brandi... Wow! Really? That's cool! It's not every day that somebody rips out their still-beating heart and offers it to me! (but it should be every day, now that I think about it).
Comments by Dave2
MR. ROGERS IS DEAD? What does that mean for the NEIGHBORHOOD.
Damn. There goes the cardigan.
Comments by Tug
Actually, it's still a pretty nice place... if you don't mind the prostitution, crack dens, and meth labs that opened up after Mr. Rogers passed on.
Comments by Dave2
MIND them?? They're what's going to make ME a billionaire!
Comments by Tug
I am so enamored of that video that I'll forgive you for putting ideas into Adam's gorilla brain. So what's the worst that could happen? Total enslavement of the human race to serve Adam's insatiable desire for perversity, cheeseburgers and Diet Coke? Could be worse.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Five simple words dude: Wall-to-wall boob carpeting.
Comments by cris
Um... yeah.
Comments by RW
Excellent guest post. Loved the humor.
Comments by e.Craig
Tug... Well, I suppose if you have a good enough imagination, anybody can be a billionaire in the Kingdom of Make-Believe.
Tracy Lynn... The worse that could happen would be Avitable becoming a nuclear power. I can't even fathom what his demands would be as he threatened global annihilation, though I'm guessing it would involve pickles and lawn darts.
Cris... And with a billion dollars to burn, Avitable could have it hand-woven in Turkey!
RW... You've met the man, so I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. 'Cause right now I can't get me enough Avitable... I'm having custom Avitable bed sheets printed as I type this.
eCraig... Thanks! That would mean a lot more to me, however, if I was being paid...
Comments by Dave2
Welllllll... he could use some of that billion to pay me and Britt for another make-out session. I ain't givin' it away no more if he's got money.
Comments by ADW
Wait, WHAT?!
When was the FIRST make-out session and WHERE IS THE VIDEO?!?!?
Comments by Poppy
He'd probably give the money to charity.
Didn't you read Britt's entry?
;-)
Comments by Mike
Well, he wouldn't need to spend any of his million on dance lessons.
Maybe he could buy a Spice Girl?
Comments by DaisyJo
Oh my god, I haven't seen this close to a woman in years. The heavy petting zoo does sound entertaining.
Comments by Lewis
Awesome video... I can tell this is going to be a wacky week!
Comments by kilax
ADW... Why, I cannot imagine Avitable ever paying for it! He's classy like that.
Poppy... I believe Avitable is selling the video on eBay. If he's not, he should be.
Mike... But of course! I read everything Miss Britt writes! But my entry was completed before Miss Britt posted hers, so that's the way it goes... not that I'd believe for a minute that Avitable would actually give a billion dollars to charity. He's got to put some R&D money into that taco-flavored lube.
DaisyJo... I don't think you can buy a Spice Girl outright, but I'm pretty sure you can rent one for a while.
Lewis... If you end up going straight, you could always sue Avitable out of his billion dollars!
Comments by Dave2
I'm sorry, I read "chocolate pudding and Elizabeth Hurley" and that's all I remember...
Comments by Dustin
I don't have anything to add here, except my avatar.
Oh, and cool vid, Dave2.
Comments by bogup
Dustin... I know what you mean... it took me three hours to write this entry because I kept distracting myself.
Bogup... I bastardized Avitable's video, so I can't really take credit for it... but I will, so thanks!
Comments by Dave2