Hi everyone, Poppy here. Don't let all the other Substitute Avitables fool you into thinking otherwise: Avi is all about the absolutely filthy, bordering on criminal, sexual perversion. Because I find his predilection for prepubescent school girls fairly disturbing I thought I’d take it down a notch and post something completely tame just to make him sorry that he asked me to guest post while he lazily hangs out naked in the pool with his Emma Watson Look-Alikes fan club getting a sunburn on his happy stick.
I know he says I can make anything dirty but that’s simply not true. I am completely capable of posting innocent, clean-cut content that is safe for even your freakishly smart 2-year-old to read. As proof I submit to you:
10 things you should do for your kitty. Daily.
- Feed her. Can’t have a starving kitty, that’s just mean. She prefers foods that will go down her throat easily, but as long as you make bite-sized pieces for her she'll really eat anything.
- Groom her. She grooms herself, but she does appreciate when you help her out a bit with that. Some kitties even enjoy a bit of a shave!
- Give her kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. Kisses are her favorite.
- Pet her. No petting, no love. Plus, petting your kitty is very therapeutic for you, according to "science".
- Tell her she’s pretty. She does do all that work to keep herself maintained so the least you can do is compliment her for her effort.
- Call her. She really enjoys it when her Hello Kitty cell phone vibrates. (Polite kitties always have their phones set to "manner mode".)
- Let her out. She gets a bit musty if she stays inside too long.
- Talk to her. She’ll mew back.
- Introduce her to other kitties. The sight of a bunch of kitties at play is pretty much as close to perfection as anyone can get. She enjoys it too, but this is really more for your pleasure than hers.
- Give her lots of toys. Or at least one big toy. Gotta keep the girl occupied and content all day, not just for the first few minutes of the day.
If you do all these things for your kitty and she's still not happy then might I suggest that you take advantage of my one time special offer for private tutoring lessons. All proceeds go to the Rehabilitate Adam H. Avitable fund. We understand it's a lost cause, but we try anyway.
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we could hold a 5K run for it. (No, that's not 5000 miles)
Comments by Amanda
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(That entire episode was pure gold.)
Comments by Poppy
A "How to" guide for Pampered P-word. (I was thinking P-E-T! HONEST!! I AM NOT LYING!)
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Poppy, you're hilarious - NICE.
Comments by Tug
Don't forget, I shaved mine, too! She absolutely loved that "hairless" feeling. Sometimes, no amount of licking will do the job right.
Comments by Kristen
Heh heh heh. Poppy said "kitty".
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I have but one question... where do I sign up for the private one on one tutoring and does that cover items 6, 5, 4, 2, and 3??? In that order???
Comments by NYCWD
Bravo.
Comments by Avitable
That was a very
well groomed shavenclean post. Great job.Here kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty...
Comments by Mike
Damn girl. Your boobs are second only to mine in size. Do you fall over too?
You go girl.
Comments by The Absurdist
Animals belong in the wild.
Comments by RW
Good Advice... :)
Comments by kilax
Y2k Survivor, you are absolutely filthy and disgusting, but in the very good way.
Tug, thanks. Ooh, and a little playing for me, bonus!
K, sometimes the licking actually makes it worse, according to her favorite groomer.
Tracy Lynn, I'm not sure a day goes by where I don't say "kitty" about 15 million times. Kitties are my life.
Dawg, I knew you'd be my first taker. The private lessons require you to bring your own kitty, in case there was any doubt about that.
Avi, I think your halo is crooked.
Mikey, are you calling my kitty?
Abs of Steel, they just look huge in the photo.
RW, you know you're an animal, right?
Comments by Poppy
Kilax, I'm here to educate.
Comments by Poppy
So the fourth, unwritten word on your shirt is Boobs?
Do I win a prize?
Comments by Wayne
My two year old is trying to lock her kitty in the bathroom for alone time after reading this.
I'm confused.
Comments by Miss Britt
Wah, your prize is that photo.
Britt, I think liquid would have shot out my nose if I had been drinking any while reading your comment. :)
Comments by Poppy
Hmm, this might explain why our kitty is so grumpy.
Comments by Amy
Amy, kitties are high maintenance. Not enough attention leads to a very unhappy kitty.
Comments by Poppy
BTW would you PLEASE tell the last post-mistress that guys who love Kitty can't possibly be freakin gay??? I mean, I enjoy a little kitty lovin nearly every night. I simply plop down in my chair and suddenly my lap is all warmed up by eager kitty hungry for love. And it don't stop there, sometimes I have kitty in my face first thing in the morning and kitty all over me in bed at night. In fact, I think you could say Kitty is drawn to me... it's natural manly, NON GAY appeal. HONEST!!! You'll her, won't you?
YES I was talking about my damn cat! Don't you judge me... dogfuckers.
Oh yeah, I hope I have the right understanding of this post since I do not have access to DSL on weekends and could not open all links.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
SCANDALOUS
and Y2K—i love gay people. no worries
Comments by Crys
Y2k Survivor, wait, what? Who said you're gay? And, wait, what's wrong with being gay and liking kitties?
Crys, no scandals here. Just giving the facts about kitty care.
Comments by Poppy