Man, there’s a lot of pressure to be funny here today. I’ve known about writing a guest post here for a week, and I gotta tell you, I sat frozen for days wondering exactly what I was going to write about that would be entertaining for Adam’s regular readers. When my boyfriend came around with a towel in one hand and a can of Pledge in the other threatening to “dust me,” I figured I had better get to work.
You should all feel quite special that I’m sitting here writing instead of investigating exactly what being “dusted” means.
When Adam guest posted for me several weeks ago, he “came out” as a straight man to all my readers. He relayed his average day of listening to Jewel and the Indigo Girls, drinking apple martinis, and watching The Gilmore Girls. It was an enlightening post, and I have decided to submit a similar break down here:
A Day in the Life of a Fag
08:00 – Ouch. What is that screaming sound? Make it stop. Makeit stop. MakeItStop!
08:27 – Roll over carefully as to not disturb the sleeping figure next to me.
08:28 – Step over the broken plastic shards of the third alarm clock I’ve destroyed this week.
08:29 – Dig a wallet out of the pants laying at the foot of the bed. Use it to identify the sleeping figure in bed. Pray the birthdate is pre-1988. Slip a twenty dollar bill out.
08:30 – Pee. Contrary to popular belief, fags do urinate. It’s usually yellow, if you’re wondering. Find some sort of pain killer to dull the pounding in my temples. What did I drink last night?
08:31 – 08:37 – Locate my clothes and quietly dress. Slip outside and blink into the sunlight. Where the fuck am I? Where’s my car?
09:02 – Arrive at home and shower. Pay particular attention to that area under the scrotum that seems to collect that musty-funk smell.
09:25 – Apply makeup to cover up the scales and horns. Make a note to talk to the Exalted Leader about replacing my skin with the new version that came out last year.
10:00 – Enjoy a healthy breakfast of whole grain cereal, organic yogurt, and a newborn baby. Make a note to pick up a fresh six pack of babies at the Co-op. Maybe I’ll try Chinese this week, as the Mexican kids tend to give me the runs. Read the paper and make a list of all the conservative Republicans that I can seduce.
10:46 – Head out to this week’s missionary job recruiting new members to the Order Of Fags (OOF). The job consists mostly of going door-to-door offering blow jobs. Just like the Mormons.
12:30 – Lunch time. I don’t have much time between appointments, so I’ll just grab a quick hot dog. Miniature Greyhound today, as I’m watching my carbs. I grab an adorable three-day-old kitten, just in case I’m hungry during my afternoon coffee break.
14:07 – Stop at the truck stop for a quick handjob with a 50-something year-old guy named “Mack.” I think. He has four teeth, one of which is on a chain around his neck. This reminds me that I must call and make an appointment with my dentist for my monthly bleaching. Maybe I can combine that appointment with my upcoming hair frosting.
15:45 – It’s been a pretty productive day, so I’ll take all my Recruitment Slips back to OOF headquarters. I have 14 slips today, which means I qualify for the deluxe toaster oven. I can sell that for $56. Excellent!
16:37 – Arrive at my doctor’s office for my weekly injection. It’s designed to make sure if I accidentally get cut my blood will appear red. Nothing is more embarrassing than a bright green nosebleed giving my true identity as a fag away. The cute male nurse flirts with me again, so I take him into the x-ray room for a fun picture.
17:26 – Get stuck in traffic. I personally make it my mission to cut off as many people as possible. I love to make people scream “YOU FAG!” at the back end of my powder blue Beetle with all the rainbow stickers.
17:39 – Stop at the gym for my power workout on the treadmill and free weights. It’s a slow day in the shower, so I only hook up with one cute black guy who couldn’t stop staring.
19:12 – Stop by the house for a quick change of clothes. I need to look especially dashing tonight, so I choose my Armani tuxedo.
19:56 – Arrive at the Westin for the Gay Marriage Now! dinner. My “on call” boyfriend arrives and poses with me for photos before my big speech. We tell everyone that we are thinking of adopting a little boy from Ghana. We are SO Brad and Angelina, but with penises.
22:12 – Finally break free from all the people at the dinner and head out to the bar. Drop a $20 bill on a tab of ecstacy. Wonder where that money came from?
22:30 – 01:45 – Lots of dancing and drinking and making out with shirtless boys at the club. Every twenty minutes or so, stop by and shmooze the old guy at the end of the bar so he’ll by me another drink. If I make him think he’s got a chance with me, he’ll even buy for this hot little Latino boy who has caught my eye.
01:52 – 07:30 – ?????????
07:35 – Destroy my fourth alarm clock of the week. Who the fuck gets up this early? Why is there a high school letter jacket on the desk chair next to the bed? Oh shit!
Well, there you have it. A day in the life of a fag. Of course anyone who knows me, knows that this isn’t MY typical day.
I never go to the gym.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go see if my boyfriend is still interested in making me lemony fresh.