Man, there's a lot of pressure to be funny here today. I've known about writing a guest post here for a week, and I gotta tell you, I sat frozen for days wondering exactly what I was going to write about that would be entertaining for Adam's regular readers. When my boyfriend came around with a towel in one hand and a can of Pledge in the other threatening to "dust me," I figured I had better get to work.
You should all feel quite special that I'm sitting here writing instead of investigating exactly what being "dusted" means.
When Adam guest posted for me several weeks ago, he "came out" as a straight man to all my readers. He relayed his average day of listening to Jewel and the Indigo Girls, drinking apple martinis, and watching The Gilmore Girls. It was an enlightening post, and I have decided to submit a similar break down here:
A Day in the Life of a Fag
08:00 - Ouch. What is that screaming sound? Make it stop. Makeit stop. MakeItStop!
08:27 - Roll over carefully as to not disturb the sleeping figure next to me.
08:28 - Step over the broken plastic shards of the third alarm clock I've destroyed this week.
08:29 - Dig a wallet out of the pants laying at the foot of the bed. Use it to identify the sleeping figure in bed. Pray the birthdate is pre-1988. Slip a twenty dollar bill out.
08:30 - Pee. Contrary to popular belief, fags do urinate. It's usually yellow, if you're wondering. Find some sort of pain killer to dull the pounding in my temples. What did I drink last night?
08:31 - 08:37 - Locate my clothes and quietly dress. Slip outside and blink into the sunlight. Where the fuck am I? Where's my car?
09:02 - Arrive at home and shower. Pay particular attention to that area under the scrotum that seems to collect that musty-funk smell.
09:25 - Apply makeup to cover up the scales and horns. Make a note to talk to the Exalted Leader about replacing my skin with the new version that came out last year.
10:00 - Enjoy a healthy breakfast of whole grain cereal, organic yogurt, and a newborn baby. Make a note to pick up a fresh six pack of babies at the Co-op. Maybe I'll try Chinese this week, as the Mexican kids tend to give me the runs. Read the paper and make a list of all the conservative Republicans that I can seduce.
10:46 - Head out to this week's missionary job recruiting new members to the Order Of Fags (OOF). The job consists mostly of going door-to-door offering blow jobs. Just like the Mormons.
12:30 - Lunch time. I don't have much time between appointments, so I'll just grab a quick hot dog. Miniature Greyhound today, as I'm watching my carbs. I grab an adorable three-day-old kitten, just in case I'm hungry during my afternoon coffee break.
14:07 - Stop at the truck stop for a quick handjob with a 50-something year-old guy named "Mack." I think. He has four teeth, one of which is on a chain around his neck. This reminds me that I must call and make an appointment with my dentist for my monthly bleaching. Maybe I can combine that appointment with my upcoming hair frosting.
15:45 - It's been a pretty productive day, so I'll take all my Recruitment Slips back to OOF headquarters. I have 14 slips today, which means I qualify for the deluxe toaster oven. I can sell that for $56. Excellent!
16:37 - Arrive at my doctor's office for my weekly injection. It's designed to make sure if I accidentally get cut my blood will appear red. Nothing is more embarrassing than a bright green nosebleed giving my true identity as a fag away. The cute male nurse flirts with me again, so I take him into the x-ray room for a fun picture.
17:26 - Get stuck in traffic. I personally make it my mission to cut off as many people as possible. I love to make people scream "YOU FAG!" at the back end of my powder blue Beetle with all the rainbow stickers.
17:39 - Stop at the gym for my power workout on the treadmill and free weights. It's a slow day in the shower, so I only hook up with one cute black guy who couldn't stop staring.
19:12 - Stop by the house for a quick change of clothes. I need to look especially dashing tonight, so I choose my Armani tuxedo.
19:56 - Arrive at the Westin for the Gay Marriage Now! dinner. My "on call" boyfriend arrives and poses with me for photos before my big speech. We tell everyone that we are thinking of adopting a little boy from Ghana. We are SO Brad and Angelina, but with penises.
22:12 - Finally break free from all the people at the dinner and head out to the bar. Drop a $20 bill on a tab of ecstacy. Wonder where that money came from?
22:30 - 01:45 - Lots of dancing and drinking and making out with shirtless boys at the club. Every twenty minutes or so, stop by and shmooze the old guy at the end of the bar so he'll by me another drink. If I make him think he's got a chance with me, he'll even buy for this hot little Latino boy who has caught my eye.
01:52 - 07:30 - ?????????
07:35 - Destroy my fourth alarm clock of the week. Who the fuck gets up this early? Why is there a high school letter jacket on the desk chair next to the bed? Oh shit!
Well, there you have it. A day in the life of a fag. Of course anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't MY typical day.
I never go to the gym.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see if my boyfriend is still interested in making me lemony fresh.
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I knew you had recruitment drives! Did you have ABBA playing in the background during your whole day, too?
Comments by Avitable
Wait. FAGS are lazy??
I thought that was black people.
Comments by Miss Britt
So finally I know. I've always wanted to join your club but the vajayjay warns me otherwise. Stupid vag!
Comments by Brandi
Avitable, if you are wanting to show a little sexual-orientation-diversity on your blog, you might want to look into getting a REAL gay guest blogger. Because once Jester picked up the adorable three-day-old kitten for an afternoon snack, I wasn't buying it... I just don't think any self-respecting fag would even THINK about eating pussy...
Comments by Dave2
This pissed me off!
I grab an adorable three-day-old kitten, just in case I'm hungry during my afternoon coffee break.
Fags don't eat pussy!
Comments by bluepaintred
dammit dave!
I really need to start reading comments before I comment.
Sigh
Comments by bluepaintred
Let us know how the lemony fresh thing goes... that sounds like fun no matter who you are doing it with.
Comments by Amy
Avitable - It was a mixtape of ABBA, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, and Nine Inch Nails. You know how we love Nine Inch Nails.
Miss Britt - Wait til you meet a black fag!
Brandi - Coincidentally, your vajajay had a big hand in my remaining an active member.
Dave2 - I resent the idea that I'm not a real fag. Just because I've eaten Chinese food doesn't make me Chinese.
BluePaintRed - Given enough liquor, fags will eat anything.
Amy - It was too late last night, but I will check back in with a report.
Comments by jester
Dude, where are the SHOW TUNES?
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Tracy Lynn - I sing them in the shower.
Comments by jester
I don't remember reading anything about Liza Minelli either. I'm disappointed.
Comments by Sheila
also, the x-ray mouth person should have a pink feather boa around his x-ray neck. FAIL
Comments by Crys
Sheila - Liza has been replaced by Kylie Minogue.
Crys - Pink feather boas are reserved for our high holy days in June and Hallowe'en.
Comments by jester
Heh.
Comments by ginamonster
ginamonster - One of the things I've always loved about you is your way with words.
Comments by jester
Why thank you Jester, I consider that a compliment. Sometimes, one word says it all. in my world, that word is usually Fuck or Shit or Damnit.
But damnit, that was funny.
Comments by ginamonster
Wait, Mormons give blowjobs at the door?, maybe I should stop turning them away.
Er, okay who typed that when I wasn't looking?
Comments by Michael
Wow your typical day sounds a lot like my typical day as a state employed, middle aged, white, married man with kids. Only I KNOW the name of that lump in bed and it will end up costing me WAYYYY more than $20.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Ha ha. Really madame, do you honestly think that we will believe that you bleed green? I thought it was pink. Or maybe rainbow colored?
Comments by ADW
ginamonster - Of course it was compliment.:)
Michael - Just don't confuse the Mormons with those guys selling windows. They might not be so obliging.
Y2K Survivor - Just so I'm reading that right, you mean you're the guy who gets left sleeping? How does your wife feel about that?
ADW - If you see pink or rainbow blood they've obviously been seeing a different doctor. It's sort of like picking the rubber bands for your braces.
Comments by jester
I was disappointed in the x-ray. I was hoping for some deep-throat action, but apparently you aren't a real flamer. A true fag would have been able to go balls deep.
But, I gotta say, it was a great way to start my day. I gotta go get my underwear out of the dog's mouth. He just trotted off with them. Would write more but...
Damnit Nicky, drop the underwear now!
Comments by The Absurdist
Absurdist,
I'm glad I wasn't the only one that thought he could probably do better than that!
Comments by ginamonster
Perfection.
Comments by Sybil Law
The Absurdist - Why do you assume that I was the sucker and not the suckee in that x-ray?
ginamonster - I could provide references...
Sybil Law - Aaw shucks!
Comments by jester
Hell yes I was the lump under the covers! Uh... if you are reading this out of context, please feel free to scroll up and play along.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
Y2K Survivor - I'm glad you told me... I've been told I should notify you to stop by the doctor's office. It's nothing that a fine comb and some Rid-X won't cure...
Comments by jester
no need, Jester. I'll take your word for it. But ifn I ever decide to pimp you out, I'll need those references. So keep them handy. and up to date.
Comments by ginamonster
HAHAHA HA AHAHAHA
Ohhhhh tooo funny.
A black fag... HA HA HA HA... oh that's a good one!
Comments by Miss Britt
Does it mean I'm going to turn gay if I thought this was really funny?
Comments by Jeff
Jeff - No, it means you probably are already gay. Please fill out this Recruitment Slip.
Comments by jester