2007 September

Archive for September, 2007

Kyoo enn Ayy

Thursday, September 20th, 2007

That lovely interview meme is going around again, and I asked Amy to ask me some creative questions. Instead, she asked me the following five questions, which I have dutifully answered in an entirely honest manner below. If you would like me to interview you, just let me know in the comments.

1. Favorite artist (as in art, actual art, not movies or music) aside from yourself?

Britt.

2. Current favorite room spray?

I'm waffling between the "Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream" and "Vaginal Secretions" sprays.

3. Favorite Bath and Bodywork product?

They make a great Spanish Fly Potion.

4. Favorite (non fast food) restaurant and why?

If they serve a good filet mignon and dinner costs at least a hundred dollars, it's a favorite.

5. Your last Ebay purchase?

The Fist of Fury.

Exciting, eh? You too can be a part of it by asking me to interview you!

Tags: amys-musings, avitable, interview
Posted in General | 41 Comments »

Psst! I'm not here!

Wednesday, September 19th, 2007

I'm over here guest posting today.

Give me some comment love over there, will ya?

Tags: avitable, guest blogging
Posted in Bloggers | No Comments »

Bullets over Birch Blvd.

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

Go fill out my Johari and Nohari windows. If you don't know what they are, it explains it well. And don't be a fucking pussy – put your name, not something anonymous.
You're not done yet. Thanks to some of you, I have gotten Coke Rewards by email occasionally, and this is getting me closer and closer to my goal. I'm still collecting, though, so keep 'em coming! Email me at my first name at my last name dot com with your reward codes and I'll reward you with a reply email filled with my thanks.
Television season is finally starting, and the very thought makes my nipples erect. I'll be watching some new shows (Journeyman, Chuck, Reaper, Bionic Woman, Back To You, Moonlight, Pushing Daisies, Viva Laughlin) and some returning shows (Supernatural, Heroes, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sarah Silverman Program, The Office, 30 Rock, Scrubs, My Name is Earl, Smallville, Law and Order, The Simpsons). I'm such a slave to the idiot box.
This makes me wonder if I stare at The Office hard enough when it's on the air if Jenna Fischer will read my thoughts and fly to Orlando to be my second (or is it third) wife.
Next week, from Sunday through Saturday, I will NOT be blogging. I have eight guest bloggers lined up who are guaranteed to thrill you. Or maybe bore you. Either way, it will give me much needed respite. I'll still be commenting, though. It's not like I'm going on vacation or anything – my next vacation isn't scheduled until late fall in 2008.
Does anyone want any movie posters for Shoot 'Em Up, SuperBad, or Iron Man? I'm running eBay auctions with them.
My air conditioning unit got clogged up with slime and build-up, which happens about once a year, causing water to back up, pooling in our garage. I had to borrow Britt's shopvac to suck out the gunk from the outflow pipe, and just hooking up the shopvac reminded me of getting caught in the breakroom in 8th grade with the hose of one those attached to the crotch of my pants.

Tags: avitable, bullets, tv
Posted in General | 38 Comments »

When animals attack

Monday, September 17th, 2007

Saturday was the day.

The fateful day.

My Real Wife and my Work Wife (formerly my Blog Wife) were spending time together.

Without me.

While drinking.

Lots and lots of alcohol.

By having the woman who has seen that tattoo of the Martian Manhunter on my taint talk frankly with the woman who has actually touched said tattoo, only bad things could happen.

Acting as Designated Driver, I chauffeured the two drunk women home and attempted to find out what they discussed during their evening out. Fuckin' whores wouldn't tell me.

So now, my imagination has run wild . . .

Real Wife: So, what's it like working with Avitable? (Yes, my Real Wife calls me Avitable)

Work Wife: Well, he only seems to work in spurts of about 30 seconds at a time, and then he's exhausted and wants to sleep.

RW: Sounds like our sex life.

WW: Really? According to how he tells it, he's like John Holmes with the stamina of long-distance runner.

RW: More like Oliver Wendell Holmes with the stamina of a small-fused firecracker.

WW: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

RW: HAHAHAHAHA!

WW: Seriously, though, it's not too bad. But enough with the working in the underwear already!

RW: Well, I've tried to go through and throw away the pairs that have holes in the crotch so his balls aren't always hanging out.

WW: I think you've missed a few pairs. And he definitely needs to shave or wax or something. It's like he shoved a bear rug down the front of his manties!

RW: His ass is even worse. It's like a Chia Pet gone wild.

WW: Oh, I know! My first day of work he treated me to four separate moonings. The one where he bent all the way over will scar me for life. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night screaming silently at least once a week now.

RW: I can tell you, eight years later, it does not get better. I still have my weekly ass-crack nightmare. If Avitable wakes up when it happens, he just laughs and laughs.

WW: That girly, high-pitched giggle?

RW: HA! Yup, that's the one. I swear, between the giggles, the room sprays, and the Gilmore Girls, he is such a woman.

WW: He told me that I was being mean and that I should be more sensitive yesterday.

RW: I hope you took away his man card.

WW: Not only did I take away his man card, I made him do Time Out in the corner for an hour.

RW: Good for you. He also hates it when you call him Ahmoo. Just don't use it too much or he might cry.

WW: Awesome! I'm so glad that we decided to do this. It's driving Avitable crazy, too.

RW: I know, and that's part of the fun!

WW: Hey, let's make out!

RW and WW: Muamauamammmauamaumaslurp.

Tags: avitable, comedy, funny, humor, love, marriage, miss britt, my-wife, women
Posted in Love and marriage | 33 Comments »

Lazy Sunday VIII

Sunday, September 16th, 2007

Before I start this week's meme, don't forget to watch my new vlog intro and suggest a song to use. You could win a $25 Amazon.com gift certificate! And for those of you who paid attention, there are several bloggers in the background including Dave, RW, Amy, Britt, Heather, Poppy, and Mr. Fabulous, along with me and my wife.

1. What's in your wallet?

Let's see. Four receipts to something called "Dildoporium", a card with the Hail Mary on it, another card telling people NOT to donate my organs to anyone, a picture of my penis to show to strangers, and my official FBI identification, which, of course, stands for Federal Boobs Inspector.

2. What's under your bed?

Four boxes from Dildoporium.

3. What's on that way top shelf or in the very far back of your closet?

My Glock 31 that fires .357 SIG rounds, a silencer, a black mask, and a canvas bag that has a giant dollar sign on it. Okay, that's a lie. I'm militantly anti-gun. I like to use a rocket launcher instead.

4. What's in your underwear drawer?

28 pairs of underwear with various holes in them.

5. What's in the trunk of your car?

28 dead hookers with various holes in them.

6. What's in your desk or locker?

My desk doesn't have drawers, so I just pile everything on top very, very neatly. I also put the mail there, and all of the magazines I'm going to read, including Hustler's Barely Legal, MAD, Cracked, Entertainment Weekly, Ladies' Home Journal, Dolphin Aficionado, and Fortune.

7. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it?

I do, but I can't tell you about it because Britt will find it and then sell all of my Nazi gold on the black market.

8. Do you feel guilty about something right now, if yes what?

I feel guilty that this meme isn't turning out nearly as amusing as I thought it was going to. Oh, and that I think I ran over a homeless person while driving home this evening.

9. What is the most embarrassing thing in your room right now?

My blow-up tranny doll. His/her name is Kevina.

10. Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about?

I accidentally shopped at Wal-mart.

11. What is your last thought before you fall asleep?

Sleep is where I'm a Viking!

12. How long have those leftovers been in the fridge?

I don't believe in leftovers.

13. If I confiscated your computer and took a look around….what would I find?

Gigabytes of porn. I swear, they said they were 18!

14. Do you sleep with anything?

An erection. And Kevina.

15. What is your midnight snack weakness?

A bowl of mustard, microwaved for fifteen seconds.

16. Have you ever you shoplifted?

I had 600 VHS tapes in high school and college but made minimum wage. You do the math.

17. Have you ever vandalized anything?

One time we put gasoline in the neighbor's koi pond. Another time we dropped several Lamb's Barricades into the bottom of a shallow pond and at night the bottom of the pond flashed like there was a car or an alien ship in it, and people freaked out. Oh, and I accidentally made the Challenger blow up.

18. Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

No, but I've watched Charlie's Angels naked in a pale dim light.

19. What do you wait until no one is looking to do?

Lick my penis.

20. Have you told the truth in this survey?

I never lie.

Oh, and today's a twofer. I've seen this around on several blogs:

Posted in Memes and more | 27 Comments »

Contest

Saturday, September 15th, 2007

Watch for the contest. Here is the direct link.

Update:

If you want to try to come up with a good song, here's the vlog intro all by itself, in WMV format:

Vlog Intro

Tags: amazon, avitable, contests, music, video, youtube
Posted in Vlog | 68 Comments »

What a difference

Friday, September 14th, 2007

This week has seemed really difficult, and I can't really come up with a reason why. Sales have been good, thanks to my awesome new employee, I've been able to take the occasional break and go swimming and actually get some sun, and I've gotten quite a bit done.

But I've still been feeling rundown and, after 10 PM, I've been so exhausted that I can't even come up with a good post. I'll usually try to work on one while I'm working and finally just publish something, then go to bed around 1-2 AM.

Last night, though, I decided to do a little experiment. I went to bed at 9. And when I woke up at 7 this morning, after 10 hours of sleep, it's amazing how much better everything is! Even sitting down and writing a post is much easier.

So, after this empirical study, we've learned a valuable lesson: 5 hours of sleep might not be enough to function at 100%.

I should get a fuckin' Nobel Prize for that one.

Tags: avitable, sleep
Posted in General | 24 Comments »

Back in time

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

I have absolutely nothing to say today, so here's what I had to say on September 13, 2006:

Satan

You scored 100% Pride, 100% Envy, 95% Ambition, and 75% Deceitfulness!

You are Satan, the consummate villain, and the ascendant figure in the unholy trinity. Throughout history you have been called The Serpent, The Accuser, The Devil, Lucifer, The Prince of the Power of the Air, and The Dragon, among other things. Your "compatriots" in the unholy trinity, the Antichrist and the False Prophet, are merely pawns in your futile struggle with God. Though, they probably don’t know this. This is because you are a master of deception; indeed the Bible calls you "The Father of All Lies".

You are also very ambitious, and you strive to be in positions of the utmost authority. Unfortunately, it was impossible for you to obtain the highest title in heaven and this is part of the reason why you decided to leave. Of course, you couldn’t just leave by yourself, so you managed to use your deceptive abilities to get one third of the angels in heaven to join with you in revolt. God put down the rebellion and expelled you from heaven. To most people, it would seem foolish to start a war against God, but pride can sometimes cause people to do foolish things. In heaven, you were the most beautiful and powerful of all angels and you were well aware of this. Unfortunately, you let your pride consume you and your passions led you down the road to perdition. After you were expelled from heaven, you let another one of your attributes consume you—envy. You knew that you could never defeat God, but you could attempt to destroy humanity, his most beloved creation.

Your goal is to bring as many people as possible to suffer in Hell with you. Fortunately for you, but unfortunately for the rest of us, you’ve been endowed with all of the attributes necessary (deceptiveness, confidence, ruthlessness, and ambition) to do a terribly good job at this.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Pride

You scored higher than 99% on Envy

You scored higher than 99% on Ambition

You scored higher than 99% on Deceitfulness