Categorically Uncategorized

Dead from the Waist Down

Thanks to:

  • RW for showing that old people know more profanity than “fiddlesticks” and “dagnabit”.
  • Mr. Fabulous for putting me on the FBI Watch List. Oh, and thanks for the new bowling ball. You’re right about Korean babies making the best ones!
  • Britt for being a fucking liar. And here I thought she knew me.
  • Amy for ruining some of the best-kept culinary secrets since KFC’s secret recipe.
  • Dave for making Hitler fun again.
  • Crystal for being Crystal. And for finally making my regency official.
  • Poppy for somehow managing to be dirtier and more twisted than Mr. Fabulous.
  • Jester for giving me a raging hard-on.

It was nice to take a week off. But I’m back. And as mundane as ever! So let’s talk about my balls.

The location is Kappy’s. It’s an old dive of a diner about two minutes from my house with a ’50s feel, including a long counter with old vinyl spinny stools, upon which we promptly planted ourselves.

My meal consisted of an excellent Philly Cheesesteak sandwich, waffle fries, and a hot dog with ketchup, cheese, and mayonnaise. Accompanied by a large Diet Coke, it was a great meal.

While eating, I started to feel very disconcerted. Something was not right. It wasn’t pain or discomfort. It was almost an absence of something. A sense of nothingness. Like there was a part of me missing.

In an instant, it hit me.

I couldn’t feel my crotch.

Whether it was the way that I was sitting or the angle of my legs, it didn’t matter. My frank and beans had fallen asleep and my love zone had become a black hole. A quick subtle tug proved nothing. Without stripping down in the middle of the busy diner, I had no way of ascertaining if my bait and tackle even existed anymore!

I tried shifting. Moving from one leg to the other, sitting further back or further forward, or even perching on my toes. Nothing worked. My pornucopia wasn’t just numb – it was non-existent.

Finally, I did the only thing I could think – I got up and started walking around so that I could get the blood flowing again.

And do you know what’s worse than thinking that your cock and balls are missing?

The horrible, horrible, agonizing, tingly pain as the feeling slowly comes back.

Share the love:
RSS
Follow by Email
Google+
Google+
http://www.avitable.com/2007/10/01/dead-from-the-waist-down/
YouTube
Pinterest
LinkedIn
Instagram
snapchat
whatsapp

34 Replies to “Dead from the Waist Down”

  1. Dave2

    That has happened a couple of times while riding my motorcycle. I can assure you that it is no less horrifying the second time. You might think that you’d think “hey, it happened before and everything worked out” but you don’t… the only thing on your mind is “HOLY SHIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BALLS!!”

    “Say goodbye to your two best friends… and I don’t mean your pals in the Winnebago.”

  2. Avitable

    Dave, when you come to Orlando, you, Britt and I should sit down and watch Spaceballs and quote it.

    Amanda, it’s my horn of plenty!

    Jester, but if I can’t feel it, it’s not my schmekel.

    BPR, I don’t think they missed me, though.

    Sheila, if I wasn’t in the middle of an eating establishment, I would have.

    Mike, no, I think I was sitting on the edge of the seat in a weird way that was putting pressure on something. I’m not sure.

    Britt, well, I had my balls slung over my shoulder the whole time.

    RW, poppycock!

    Metalmom, now that’s service.

    Poppy, you’re right. Maybe danger zone would be better.

    Trish, that’s the way to eat a hot dog. Mmmmhmmmm!

  3. Amy

    Your foot falls asleep, you don’t panic. Hand, arm, ditto. WTF is wrong with you men that your bits and pieces are something OTHER than just another part of your body?

    Dear GOD! I just don’t get it.

    Walk it off for Christ’s sake.

    Know what REALLY irritates me? It’s NOT just the bits and pieces it’s your damn nipples too. Or at least Mike’s. If you tweak his nipple he immediately has to reach up to make sure you didn’t pluck it off.

    WTF!!!! :banghead:

  4. Y2K Survivor

    OK When my foot falls asleep I stomp on it until feeling comes back. You pussy!

    BTW I didn’t really have a comment here but I am just tickled Britt showed me her…. way to get my picture thingy in the comments!

  5. e.Craig

    Welcome back, Adam. You had some awesome guests there. I had the same memorable crotch experience a couple times while riding my 12 speed. Glad you got your balls back … I think. πŸ˜‰

  6. Avitable

    Poppy, but “poppyvag” just doesn’t sound right.

    Tug, by your age, don’t your balls hang down to your knees anyway?

    Amy, it was the tingling pins and needles pain that made it horrible! And my nipples don’t go numb. Except when I use ice. Rawr.

    Brandi, you can’t welcome back Avitable without welcoming the balls back!

    Annie, luckily, mine is small enough that I can tuck it away for safe keeping.

    Sarcastica, bitch.

    Robin, since I think they probably draw more blood flow than the rest of your body and brain combined, I think you’ll be okay! πŸ˜€

    Jester, if I can feel it on the shmeckle! And stop doing that!

    BPR, well, you’re post-op. And not in a tranny type of way. I don’t think . . .

    Sybil, well, except for tingly balls.

    Y2K, it’s working now. Very nice.

    e. Craig, well, someone still controls the balls. They just have the feeling back!

Leave a Reply