Thanks to:

• RW for showing that old people know more profanity than "fiddlesticks" and "dagnabit".
• Mr. Fabulous for putting me on the FBI Watch List. Oh, and thanks for the new bowling ball. You're right about Korean babies making the best ones!
• Britt for being a fucking liar. And here I thought she knew me.
• Amy for ruining some of the best-kept culinary secrets since KFC's secret recipe.
• Dave for making Hitler fun again.
• Crystal for being Crystal. And for finally making my regency official.
• Poppy for somehow managing to be dirtier and more twisted than Mr. Fabulous.
• Jester for giving me a raging hard-on.

It was nice to take a week off. But I'm back. And as mundane as ever! So let's talk about my balls.

The location is Kappy's. It's an old dive of a diner about two minutes from my house with a '50s feel, including a long counter with old vinyl spinny stools, upon which we promptly planted ourselves.

My meal consisted of an excellent Philly Cheesesteak sandwich, waffle fries, and a hot dog with ketchup, cheese, and mayonnaise. Accompanied by a large Diet Coke, it was a great meal.

While eating, I started to feel very disconcerted. Something was not right. It wasn't pain or discomfort. It was almost an absence of something. A sense of nothingness. Like there was a part of me missing.

In an instant, it hit me.

I couldn't feel my crotch.

Whether it was the way that I was sitting or the angle of my legs, it didn't matter. My frank and beans had fallen asleep and my love zone had become a black hole. A quick subtle tug proved nothing. Without stripping down in the middle of the busy diner, I had no way of ascertaining if my bait and tackle even existed anymore!

I tried shifting. Moving from one leg to the other, sitting further back or further forward, or even perching on my toes. Nothing worked. My pornucopia wasn't just numb – it was non-existent.

Finally, I did the only thing I could think – I got up and started walking around so that I could get the blood flowing again.

And do you know what's worse than thinking that your cock and balls are missing?

The horrible, horrible, agonizing, tingly pain as the feeling slowly comes back.

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