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Maximum protection

So, I was sitting on the toilet, pooping, and I ran out of reading material.

I usually keep a stack of books, magazines, and comic books on the counter and stack them until they reach ridiculous heights and my wife tells me I have to put them away. I know that eventually, they will fall over and kill someone in the resulting avalanche, but I’ll cross that lawsuit hurdle when I come to it.

This time in the throne room, though, there was nothing new to read. I’d consumed it all!

There was, however, a small black bag, sitting next to the pile of read material. I didn’t remember ever seeing it before. I assumed it belonged to one of my employees. So, of course, I opened it.

And found tampons!

Now, I don’t get weirded out by tampons. The idea that someone invented a way to cleanly and quickly stick a cotton ball into a woman’s vagina to stem the flow of blood is a little strange, of course, but they clearly have a use. And not just for Aunt Flo.

They pop out nicely into your nostril for a nosebleed when you learn the hard way that you cannot break a board with your face.

They’re excellent for dipping in a cup of tea that has red food coloring in it when you’re pretending to be a cultured vampire.

And they’re awesome as a substitute “binky” when you find a package of them under the medicine cabinet at age three.

I know that there are men out in the world who are relatively simpleminded and get skeeved out at the thought of walking into a grocery store and buying tampons. I don’t understand why this should be an issue at all. Is the clerk going to think that you’re a hairy woman in drag? Or that you’re packing a vajayjay to go with that Adam’s apple? Or maybe that you have a tampon fetish? Nope. The clerk is going to think that you have a girlfriend or wife and that you are a doting partner. Buying tampons for your spouse has no negative implications, unlike when you make a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up a cucumber, condoms, vaseline, batteries, and a turkey baster. Try explaining that one.

So, me and Tampon? We’re old friends. I know all of Tampon’s secrets, we finish each other’s sentences, and we can share a silence at dinner without it getting all uncomfortable. And yes, that one time in middle school when I saw the used applicator in the trash, I might have done some very creepy and disturbing things, but that was then and this is now. I’m a lot older and wiser now.

What I guess I’m saying here is that I’m sorry I opened all of the tampons, assembled them on the counter, and drew little smiley faces on them, with word balloons that said things like “Hell no I won’t flow!”, “Wait a cotton pickin’ minute!”, ” I ain’t got time to bleed!” and “Twat did you say? I cunt hear you.”

I just couldn’t help myself.

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51 Replies to “Maximum protection”

  1. Kat

    I haven’t laughed this hard in work in ages. Now everyone’s looking at me as if I am out of my mind. My husband has the same issues with his reading material and now we got him a little basket for his stuff to go in.

    Why is it that men do the weirdest things in the bathroom? Are you genetically programmed this way?

  2. Wayne

    I thought it was very weird when I first heard “tampon” means “pad” in french. I mean, there are tampons, and THEN there are pads. Why does the French have to confuse everything?!?!?!?!

  3. Luin

    We girls always laugh out men when they get floundered in the tampon isle.

    My dad never knew what to get. So once when I was sick and couldn’t get out of my bed and had my period he bought one of everything. That’s another thing you guys do that makes us laugh.

  4. Mike

    @Wayne: Tampons are still tampons in French (actually “Tampons hygiéniques”). Pads are “serviettes sanitaires”. So there’s no confusion.

    We’re not as crazy as you think we are. ;-P

  5. tana

    I can’t believe I am the only one to bring up an alternate use for tampons.

    Some people may use them when a certain “gasket” gets a little “over expanded” and there is on longer control of waste stemming from another opening. :shit:

    Oh and this: http://www.divacup.com/ is much better feminine protection. Ahem. Or so I have been told.

  6. The Absurdist

    I think it’s Always pads that have sticker on them that say “Have a Happy Period”. Please. Bite me.

    Also, super-plus is NOT super-plus. What’s up with that? I need a tampon called “OMG, I am having my whole period in four hours.”

    I am afraid to ask, but, not knowing how boys are, what could you have possibly done with the applicator you found in the trash when you were a boy?

    My mom used to use OB (no applicator; I have no idea how I could get along without an applicator). I used to fill the sink up with water, and throw them in there and watch them go *POOF* and blow up.

    Stop playing with those things. Do you have ANY IDEA how expensive Tampons are? And we CANNOT buy generic. That’s the ONE thing that generic cannot be substituted for… Generic tampons will rip your insides out faster than a dildo wrapped in barbed wire…

  7. Amy

    He’s baaaaaaaaack.

    And, not in that “gee, no more guest bloggers” kind of way either.

    I mean… wow… excellent. I actually read this out loud to Mike (my Mike… not the other Mike with the extra foot) :sex023:

  8. annie

    Poor Britt! They are SUPPOSED to stay SANITARY, you don’t TOUCH them! Ew.

    Yeah, that Diva cup is fine for you girls who trickle. I can’t even use the tampons without applicators. For me, as it is, it looks like the Mob cut up Ralphie over the toilet, instead of the bathtub.

  9. Avitable

    Amanda, yes. Yes, I do.

    Usedtobeme, would you be laughing if you needed a tampon and found those instead?

    Bethie, but I’m the one that didn’t have any reading material!

    BPR, it takes much effort to telekinetically push each key down.

    Sheila, maybe I should start marketing them.

    e. Craig, tampophobia can be hard to overcome.

    Kat, why are you at work at 2:52 in the morning?

    Mr. Fabulous, thank you, Mr. Generic Commenter.

    Mike, I never go anywhere without my Sharpie!

    ADW, she’s too mean to bleed.

    Wayne, those crazy Frenchies.

    Luin, I’m actually aware of brand names and everything.

    Britt, I’m sure there have been many worse things that have gone in your vagina. And I’ll get you a paper towel on a popsicle stick if you have an emergency.

    Metalmom, the original actually goes like this: “Twat did I say? I cunt hear you? Oh well, I’ll finger it out later.”

    NYCWD, I could be a billionaire. I’m not sharing, though.

    TMP, especially if you imagine Jesse the Body Ventura as a tampon saying “I ain’t got time to bleed”.

    Trish, he’s scared to do that?

    Mike, yes you are.

    Tana, really? People put them in their ass to keep from pooping? Who would do that?

    Absurdist, let’s just say I experienced it with four senses.

    Britt, that’s fucking horrible. I have shivers now.

    Amy, your Mike doesn’t have an extra foot?

    Tana, we whip people who make typos here in Avitableland.

    Absurdist, duh, you should read.

    Poppy, nah, I used it and threw it away. I’m a bastard.

    Tug, I’m definitely thinking about it.

    Dragon, well, if an employee left something in my bathroom overnight, it becomes my property. And I also work in my underwear and talk about my employee’s boobs all the time. So I think any court would just call it assumption of the risk.

    Annie, poor Britt? I was the one with nothing to read!

    Dawn, I’ve seen that site before – it’s given me plenty of ideas.

    Bossy, you always have to be the trendsetter, don’t you?

  10. Britt's mom

    I wish my bosses were more like you. Mine almost had a heart attack and had to go home early when I told her I didn’t need Kegels to respond to overactive bladder – I could pull a tractor with my crotch.

    And THAT, my dear, is your official initiation into the family.

    Please pick Miss Britt up off the floor now.

  11. Sybil Law

    You are so in touch with my menstrual cycle!
    Do what you want with the tampons – just don’t EVER lose the Midol. Or vicodin. That might be grounds for Miss Britt killing you. No jury of her peers would ever send her to jail. 🙂

  12. Avitable

    Tug, I’m like MacGyver.

    Jasmine, I’ve got one with a tampon in my butt – want that one?

    Jay, thanks for the visit and comment!

    Mom, pull a tractor or fit a tractor?

    DB, the bestest!

    SleepyNita, poking holes in the condoms sounds like it might be worse for the women, too.

    Britt, you do win! For grossness.

    Sybil Law, if we have Vicodin around here, I’m keeping it.

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