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Lazy Sunday IX

1. Where were you 2 hours ago?
I ran out of Diet Pepsi and then went on this crazy adventure dodging cars, a dog, and a clone of myself just to get a new soda. (If you’re under the age of 30)

2. What do you think of your last kiss?
Well, the dog should have eaten one of those breath mint dog bones.

3. Who was your last text from?
I don’t believe in texting. It’s for losers and freaks.

4. Are you wearing socks right now?
Three of them. One on each foot and one to masturbate with.

5. When was the last time you went out of state?
I’m not allowed by law to leave the state without notifying the Department of Homeland Security and every Catholic high school along my route.

6. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Well, I hung around creepily during the final credits to “Bring it On 4: Cheertastic!”.

7. What was the last thing you had to drink?
*sob* It’s like you don’t even know me!

8. What are you wearing right now?
A giant purple wig, a pink tutu, and nipple clamps.

9. What was your last purchase?
Nipple clamps.

10. Last food you ate?
An entire birthday cake, four Chick Fil-a sandwiches, and some beef jerky.

11. Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?
I don’t believe in using the phone. It’s for losers and freaks.

12. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
I fucking told you – Nipple clamps!

13. Do you have a pet?
No, but we have a cute four-legged daughter who just happens to poop outside. Just like her Daddy!

14. What did you do last night?
It’s all a blur, but I must have cut myself with a knife because there was blood everywhere! Don’t see any cuts, though . . .

15. If you could be anywhere you want where would it be?
In your pants!

16. What is the last thing you purchased online?

17. One thing you hate about yourself?
My inability to finish anything I

18. What’s you favorite kind of soup?
NIPPLE CLAMPS! New England style.

19. Do you miss anyone?
Only if I don’t aim carefully enough.

20. Last movie you saw?
Well, it was either “Tit-tanic”, “Mr. Holland’s Penis”, or “The Silence of the Jugs”.

21. What are your plans for the day?
Park in a handicapped spot, point and laugh at a retarded child, and then kick a nun in the crotch. Just like any day.

22. Did you have fun today?
Well, I did, but that’s not how the District Attorney is going to see it.

23. Who is your last text message from?
My brain hurts.

24. Were you an honor roll student in school?
I’m still an honor roll student, regardless what the school’s restraining order says.

25. What do you know about the future?
We’ll all wear the same type of clothing, doors won’t have knobs, and guys in red shirts will always die.

26. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Well, I don’t know, but she was not a hooker, and she was definitely over 18!

27. Do you have a tan?
Only on my left butt cheek.

28. How old do you want to be when you have kids?

29. Did you meet anyone new today?
I told you, she was OVER 18!!

30. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
I have a tattoo of a piercing.

31. How do you like your soda?

32. Do you like hot sauce?
What I don’t like is getting hot sauce on my fingers and then touching my penis with those same fingers.

33. What are you doing tomorrow?
If I get out of bed, I’d be surprised.

34. What day is tomorrow?

35. What is your current mood?
Footloose and fancy free.

36. Do you like anyone?
The problem is that I like with my fingers, not with my eyes.

37. Are you dating someone?
Dating, stalking, looking in their window – whatever.

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27 Replies to “Lazy Sunday IX”

  1. Sybil Law

    YES! I think I am first AND I am already so happy you just made me crack up hysterically!!!
    Good to have you back!
    I am still laughing…
    Oh and I had no idea you were into nipple clamps, too!
    Text me later and we’ll chat. 🙂

  2. The Absurdist

    well, here’s my pathetic answers. Thanks for making the questions so fucking many that it took me ten minutes to answer. Ten minutes I can never get back.

    1. Dreaming about a massive tidal wave that was going to wipe out North America, while I was dismanteling a fence,

    visiting my old high school’s drama club, and getting screamed at by the director of the drama club because I snuck

    in to use the bathroom. She told me that all I could do was wash my hands. We aren’t allowed to go to the

    bathroom in the bathroom in the drama club area. Then, we were trying to decide what area of Africa to move to

    since we were trying to escape the North American tidal wave, and the people I was traveling with where total

    fucking tards.

    2. My last kiss sucked horribly. This guy had NO idea what he was doing. So sad.

    3. My hairdresser, who likes to run my text costs up.

    4. nah. But last time I wore socks, one was yellow and the other was pink. It’s okay. I was naked and at home


    5. Oh my god. I travel 100% of the time. Went to Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago.

    6. Nah. I have a huge TV, and like to watch movies naked. That doesn’t work well at the theatre. Plus, teh last

    guy I went to the movies with liked to grope my breasts in the dark, and I just couldn’t deal.

    7. Coffee.

    8. black underwear. That’s it.

    9. $700 worth of clothes; I need non-travel business clothes… I need trendy but classic business clothes for my

    new management gig. Today is “accessories” day. My friend is going to dress me again. God help me.

    10. Three pieces of pizza, some yogurt, 164 ounces of water.

    11. Tina, my non-hair dresser, who bitches about how I dress.

    12. Uh, yeah. See 9.

    13. Two pain in the ass Lhasa Apsos that are demanding as hell. You don’t do what they want, they get revenge in

    the form of fecal matter.

    14. Cleaned the drawer in my bathroom to get all the jewelry organized to prove to Tina that I do have jewelry.

    15. Having sex with somebody. Anybody. Seriously. Anyone.

    16. A Wacom Bamboo Fun board.

    17. Good lord. All the fat all over the damned place.

    18. Chicken.

    19. Yeah. My first husband, my long-term boyfriend from ages ago, my grandmother, my friends in Austin,
    the guy I had sex with two really bad lays ago, my niece, Anthony, John, Monica, geez. I guess every friend I ever

    had. Traveling sucks.

    20. High School Musical. It was on TV, I was sick and on a cold medicine high. It took years off my life.

    21. Shopping. Today is pants, shoes and accessory day.

    22. Not yet. I feel like shit.

    23. Um…

    24. Yes. I am awesome and incredibly brilliant. Even if you don’t know it. Just ask Wayne. I am 30 points ahead

    of him in the IQ scale. I still don’t get why he has the position he has, and yet, I am still a lowly consultant.


    25. Well, from my last astroligical reading, I am supposed to find a Taurus-based dude, who is super-professional

    like me, work on my Saturn handle so that I can shift all the other stuff in my life.

    26. Tina. Saab. She’s such a Yuppie.

    27. Oh, you gotta be kidding. I am so opaque I am see-through.

    28. See my blog on tubal ligation.

    29. No. I don’t meet anyone. I give off this aura of brilliance and scare all men away.

    30. Yes. Which is why I can’t wear skirts to work. The micro-mini shows it off when I sit down.

    31. Soda? Where the hell do you live? All “soda” is called “Coke” in Texas. Even if you are gettting a DP.

    32. Not so much. It burns the nipples.


    34. The day after today.

    35. Bitchy. I have a headache, I am horny, my dogs are growling at a Nordstrom bag that I got out of the closet as if it was talking to them (they are total tards), and I need more coffee.

    36. I pretend to like people to get what I want, which is more money. Money.

    37. In my own mind. Oh, and since I am so lonely, when I ride on airplanes, I fantasize that the guy sitting next to me is my significant other, that we are on our way to a fantastic trip to hawaii. Because the only human touch I get is when his arm rests on my fast-ass arm.

  3. Avitable

    Sybil Law, nipple clamps are the new pink.

    Dickhead, mom?

    Dave, is this a permanent thing? That sucks. And when you take it rectally, the corn syrup bypasses the stomach completely.

    Poppy, Tuesday is when I wash my hair though!

    Bec, I like it with bacon.

    Denise, because I tan one square foot at a time. It’s a technique.

    HG5, he was playing along with the game that the anonymous coward started! And I like Catholic girls.

    Absurdist, you couldn’t do this on your blog? I’ll forgive all of your misspellings, though.


    Metalmom, they’re sticky . . .

    Brandi, I like him in everything. I have a hetero man-crush on him.

    Britt, no, that was Fists of Fury.

    Mr. Fabulous, wasn’t me. Must have been my assistant.

  4. Samantha_K

    25. What do you know about the future?
    We’ll all wear the same type of clothing, doors won’t have knobs, and guys in red shirts will always die.

    Man, I should really start locking my filing cabinet. I didn’t know the propaganda for my new world order had leaked. Shit.
    But you forgot the part about how stores will be required to have full-sized Mr.Goodbars on the shelf at all times (and not just in the packages of Hershey’s minis).
    Looks like you won’t have any problems with the mandatory nipple clamp rule…that’s good news.

  5. Avitable

    Sarcastica, I usually can only make mothers pee because they can’t help it if they laugh too much. You’re wayyy too young to have that happen!

    Lisa, loser freak-girl texter.

    Mike, 🙂

    Mom, I’m dang hilarious!

    TMP, no. I paid full price. And it was worth it.

    Samantha K, mmmm, Mr. Goodbar. I love those!

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