Beware, encumbered men. While these sentences may seem innocent to you, when taken out of context (without the words in brackets), they can cause homicidal feelings in your loved one. But fear not - I am here to help. Avoid these phrases if you can help it:
"I ate her fish taco [that she cooked on her stove]."
"We went for a ride and her top was down [in her convertible]."
"We both played with his [Nintendo] Wii for a while until our wrists hurt."
"By the time we got started, she was already hot and wet [because it's 100 degrees and humid as fuck]."
"She sucked it down like a pro. [So the waitress brought her another beer]."
"It really hurt when he stuck it in, but I got used to it. [And then I made him listen to something that wasn't gangsta rap]."
"I only lasted for about three minutes before collapsing in a hot, sweaty mess. [No more DDR for me]."
So, next time you put your foot in your mouth, you can't say that Avitable didn't warn ya!
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Um, possibly add calling yourself "encumbered" to this list...
Comments by Miss Britt
You're so nice to look out for all those unencumbered men out there
Comments by Amanda
How about this one? This is something my coworker asked me, very loudly in front of a full waiting room...
"Did you get to jump Roscoe during lunch?" [Because his car battery died and I had to drive home and give his car a jump during lunch.]
Comments by heather
You must spend a fortune on flowers and jewelry.
I've caught Mike eavesdropping on the newlywed neighbors next door. He winces, gasps, and whispers, "Shit, man, I would NOT have said THAT!!!"
I call it stalking, he says he's being supportive.
Comments by Amy
God bless you. It's a mitzvah, what you are doing here on this blog, a mitzvah!
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I'm with Brit. "Encumbered"?
Why do I get the feeling you have personal experience with one or more of these phrases?
Your wife is a saint. Both of them.
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
Damn, it's hard to stay on the "top commenters" list around here. I'm on, I'm off, I'm on, I'm off....with this much up-and-down-ing, I should be having a lot more fun!
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
Britt, encumbered has several definitions. One of which infers that they are have relationship obligations. Jeez, such a troublemaker!
Amanda, just the encumbered ones.
Heather, that's a good one!
Amy, he should hide in the bushes next to the husband, ala Roxanne, and give him advice.
Mr. Fabulous, I know. I'm a veritable saint.
HG5, I would never have this problem. I choose my words very carefully. And encumbered doesn't have to have the negative connotation you thought.
Comments by Avitable
I love eating meat [especially when it's cooked well]
Comments by metalmom
Bossy's Foot-in-It regarding her habit of falling asleep while reading her favorite magazine: "I went to bed with a bunch of New Yorkers."
Comments by BOSSY
relationship "obligations"??
You suck at this.
Comments by Miss Britt
Thanks for the helpful hints! I'll be sure to stay away from those phrases.
Comments by Carmen
Metalmom, that sounds dirty no matter what, from you.
Bossy, I did the same thing with Playboys.
Britt, really? That's where you're going with that? Dogfucker.
Carmen, or just understand if your s.o. uses them with you!
Comments by Avitable
"Don't touch that dwarf!" (Hand me the pliers).
Comments by RW
Luckily my loved one knows I say things like that all the time. Sometimes on purpose, and sometimes not so much....
Comments by themuttprincess
Perhaps if I had read this earlier in life my love for Tex-Mex Fish would not have interfered with the "other" red meat.
Comments by NYCWD
"I'm into adult comic books [you know Wolverine and Spiderman, not Archie]".
True story.
Comments by Mike
"Bend over and don't forget to come yourself" [when asked who's coming to the party, and you have a friend named Ben Dover]
"I'm not partial to the darkies myself; I'd be fine if I never saw one again [,unlike regular M&M's, which taste AWESOME]" (thanx Dave2 for the unintended inspiration)
"Oh nothing, honey - I'm just watching a bunch of boobs on TV [these democratic national debates are very taxing on my nerves]"
"I got it in about half way, but then it just deflated and I had to go home. [I guess you can't stick an innertube in a cacti-filled Xterra]"
"Put the nipple in your mouth, there ya go, suck harder. [Damn this formula is expensive]"
Comments by Wayne
It's because of you I stay out of trouble.
Comments by Robin
Oh, you are so, so wise... I don't know why we don't just call you Confuscious Avi!
But seriously - funny shit. :)
Comments by Sybil Law
Wow. I had a threesome hurting when I stuck it in this weekend...
And once had a guy in an elevator tell me he didn't recognize me with clothes on! 
Comments by Tug
RW, yes. Of course.
TMP, I'm sure it happens not on purpose all the time!
NYCWD, red, eh? I'd say the pink meat.
Mike, I could see that one definitely happening to me, too.
Wayne, your first one was definitely the best.
Robin, and the check is in the mail, right?
Sybil, ah, Confucius Avitable - I like the sound of that.
Tug, I don't get the threesome hurting one.
Comments by Avitable
"It really hurt when he stuck it in, but I got used to it. [And then I made him listen to something that wasn't gangsta rap]."
I put in a CD someone had brought for Brady this weekend & it had rap on it - his mom, dad & I all hated it.
Comments by Tug