I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Things that can get you into trouble

Beware, encumbered men. While these sentences may seem innocent to you, when taken out of context (without the words in brackets), they can cause homicidal feelings in your loved one. But fear not – I am here to help. Avoid these phrases if you can help it:

“I ate her fish taco [that she cooked on her stove].”

“We went for a ride and her top was down [in her convertible].”

“We both played with his [Nintendo] Wii for a while until our wrists hurt.”

“By the time we got started, she was already hot and wet [because it’s 100 degrees and humid as fuck].”

“She sucked it down like a pro. [So the waitress brought her another beer].”

“It really hurt when he stuck it in, but I got used to it. [And then I made him listen to something that wasn’t gangsta rap].”

“I only lasted for about three minutes before collapsing in a hot, sweaty mess. [No more DDR for me].”

So, next time you put your foot in your mouth, you can’t say that Avitable didn’t warn ya!

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23 Replies to “Things that can get you into trouble”

  1. heather

    How about this one? This is something my coworker asked me, very loudly in front of a full waiting room…

    “Did you get to jump Roscoe during lunch?” [Because his car battery died and I had to drive home and give his car a jump during lunch.]

  2. Amy

    You must spend a fortune on flowers and jewelry.

    I’ve caught Mike eavesdropping on the newlywed neighbors next door. He winces, gasps, and whispers, “Shit, man, I would NOT have said THAT!!!”

    I call it stalking, he says he’s being supportive.

  3. Avitable

    Britt, encumbered has several definitions. One of which infers that they are have relationship obligations. Jeez, such a troublemaker!

    Amanda, just the encumbered ones.

    Heather, that’s a good one!

    Amy, he should hide in the bushes next to the husband, ala Roxanne, and give him advice.

    Mr. Fabulous, I know. I’m a veritable saint.

    HG5, I would never have this problem. I choose my words very carefully. And encumbered doesn’t have to have the negative connotation you thought.

  4. Avitable

    Metalmom, that sounds dirty no matter what, from you.

    Bossy, I did the same thing with Playboys.

    Britt, really? That’s where you’re going with that? Dogfucker.

    Carmen, or just understand if your s.o. uses them with you!

  5. Wayne

    “Bend over and don’t forget to come yourself” [when asked who’s coming to the party, and you have a friend named Ben Dover]

    “I’m not partial to the darkies myself; I’d be fine if I never saw one again [,unlike regular M&M’s, which taste AWESOME]” (thanx Dave2 for the unintended inspiration)

    “Oh nothing, honey – I’m just watching a bunch of boobs on TV [these democratic national debates are very taxing on my nerves]”

    “I got it in about half way, but then it just deflated and I had to go home. [I guess you can’t stick an innertube in a cacti-filled Xterra]”

    “Put the nipple in your mouth, there ya go, suck harder. [Damn this formula is expensive]”

  6. Avitable

    RW, yes. Of course.

    TMP, I’m sure it happens not on purpose all the time!

    NYCWD, red, eh? I’d say the pink meat.

    Mike, I could see that one definitely happening to me, too.

    Wayne, your first one was definitely the best.

    Robin, and the check is in the mail, right?

    Sybil, ah, Confucius Avitable – I like the sound of that.

    Tug, I don’t get the threesome hurting one.

  7. Tug

    “It really hurt when he stuck it in, but I got used to it. [And then I made him listen to something that wasn’t gangsta rap].”

    I put in a CD someone had brought for Brady this weekend & it had rap on it – his mom, dad & I all hated it. :lmao:

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