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Shooting straight

  • I was watching the extras on “Death Proof”, the Quentin Tarantino-helmed half of Grindhouse, and just realized that while I enjoy his movies, QT annoys the fuck out of me. His face just looks like someone sculpted a face out of Play-doh, then reached out and pinched it, and it stayed that way. And his way of speaking with that constant lisp just makes me shiver. And what’s his fucking obsession with feet?
  • My new favorite TV show is “Pushing Daisies”. It’s quirky and awesome and cute and funny and I fear for its longevity.
  • After coming back from dinner with Poppy and Britt, I had to pee so badly that I almost exploded. Right as I turned on my street, I was ecstatic that I made it home without unclenching. I forgot about the huge dip in the road right before my house, and when we hit that, I almost fucking died. What a eulogy that would have been!
  • I had a dream the other night that had Dr. Phil and Oprah in it. I’m not entirely sure, but I think it was a sex dream.
  • Last night, the caterer for the Halloween party came by so I could sample some of the food and make sure she didn’t suck. I think she was a bit freaked out by the piles of body parts and skulls all over the counter as we have started decorating. Either that, or it was the fact that my nutsack was poking out of my manties.
  • I think my new insult is going to be cockslapping monkeyfucker. It just has a nice ring to it.
  • Does anyone want to come over and do my laundry? My wife’s still out of town, and I’m out of clothes as of . . . now.
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44 Replies to “Shooting straight”

  1. hellohahanarf

    anything with dr. phil in it would be a nightmare. hate that cockslappin monkeyfucker.

    and if something with dr. cockslappin monkeyfucker turned sexual? i would probably never sleep again. (shudders) that shit is scarier than freddy kruger any day.

  2. The Absurdist

    Do like every other man does.

    Sniff it. If it smells badly, throw it into the dryer with a fabric sheet, run it for ten minutes, and voila… You are good to go again.

    Except for underwear. But you guys will wear those for ten days straight anyway. Or, dig those underwear out that have holes all in them. You will find them under the kitchen sink being used for dustrags.

    Or, check that box in the garage that’s been sitting there forever that’s supposed to go to goodwill. They will be in there.


  3. Y2K Survivor

    I tried to get into Pushing Daisies and just couldn’t. Y2K Jr says it is because nothing is good if it has a narrator, he says it with the wisdom that comes with being 13. It lost me when they started singing songs from Grease.

    Qt is Unique looking and sometimes that is more important than classic good looks in portraying characters in movies. Besides, if what I read about him is true… everybody around him does so much drugs they don’t realize his face looks like a living Picasso.

    I have said it over and over again. Dr. Phill scares the hell out of me. I have Dr.Phillophobia and I don’t appreciate you cockslapping monkeyfucking Dr.Phillophiles planting unholy images of him engaged in sexual acts in my terrified mind.

  4. Avitable

    Annie, he’s like a real-life Quagmire.

    Hilly, why does everyone always say “sans lube” like that’s a bad thing?

    Dave, but it’s so cute and fuckable!

    Wayne, she’d be clapping and telling us to look under the bed.

    Mr. Fabulous, I don’t discuss my nightmares.

    HG5, only if they’ll help fold.

    NYCWD, I agree.

    ADW, me too, you cockslapping monkeyfucker!

    Metalmom, yeah, I’d just have to hang out naked from now on.

    Hello, well, I did wake up with an erection, but it was trying to cope with its self-esteem.

    TMP, I just ordered new socks and underwear online!

    Absurdist, ew! I could never do that. I change clothes if I sweat in the slightest. Don’t lump me in with those disgusting habits!

    Britt, pllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaasssseeeee????????

    Robin, do you want a cookie? Jeez, such a pimp!

    Y2K, Pushing Daisies is a certain type of quirky that not everyone will like, I think.

  5. Amy

    I had a similar urgent experience in the car with Mike after a very large iced tea. That’s about the time that Mike decided to slam on the brakes and nearly clotheslined me with the seatbelt.

  6. Avitable

    DeannaBanana, I’ll just choose to blame you instead. You could register and then it’s more likely to remember you.

    Sarcastica, wow that is crazy. /rolls eyes.

    RW, don’t be so inhospitable.

    Amy, do you mean decapitate? Because I don’t think you can be clotheslined by something if you’re not moving.

    Robin, oh, I’m pimptastic!

    Tug, you dream of his big bald head between your thighs, don’t you?

    RW, no. No, it’s not.

    BPR, well it is synonymous with “Avitable”!

  7. Amy

    I don’t know what your experience as a passenger when the driver slams on the brakes has been, but in my world, yeah, you DO move, you fly forward – into the seat belt. Decapitation wasn’t possible – but strangulation was a definite possibility.

  8. Gina

    I think part of Tarantino’s “charm” is his odd look. No director of odd or violent film looks normal, if you think about it. For another example: John Waters.

    I love Tarantino’s work, absolutely love it.


  9. Sybil Law

    Completely with you on Tarantino. If he isn’t careful, I’ll stop liking his movies. He needs to stay off camera completely.
    Cockslapping monkeyfucker is AWESOME.
    I will have to check out Pushing Daisies. What network?
    Do you not know how to do the laundry? Even for these emergencies?

  10. Carmen

    Let’s see – I like new phrase – it definitely has a special sound to it. I’m having a hard time typing out this comment because there is a chick rubbing her tits in my face.

    But, I digress – Hope the food was good – what state do you live in? Anywhere close to Vegas so that I can come to the party?

    My favorite show on TV is the Office. Not sure if you care, but you seem like the kind of person that would like the Office too. :sexytime:

  11. smashman

    Avitable is a closet faggot! I’m certain he has sucked on several penises in the last few hours since he suddenly disappeared. Listen faggot, just come out of the closet.

  12. Avitable

    Amy, I’m surprised you didn’t just pee yourself right there.

    Tug, just imagine that deep Texan accent saying “Oh Tug, is this how you like it?”

    Gina, I’d still prefer he stay behind the camera.

    Crazy Lady, that is a good one, too. What is that from?

    Lynda, it is indeed that good.

    Sybil, I think it’s on ABC. And yes, I figured out how to do laundry. But it’s a pain in the ass!

    Y2K, good thought!

    Carmen, Orlando. It’s just a hop, skip, and a jump away!

    Bossy, do you think I’m the type of erudite educated person who would watch Ken Burns?

    CP, I’ll remember that when I see you in a few weeks.

    Smashman, well, penises do come in those cool flavors, like Creamsicles! And my wife’s badonkadonk isn’t like that – she’s got a cute butt, though.

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