Fucking computers. And fucking computer users!
Okay, here's a tutorial for anyone who wants to use a PC or the internet.
1. Use a browser like Firefox or Opera. Don't use IE.
2. Don't open attachments. Especially if you don't know the person. If you do know the person, scan it before you open it.
3. Don't download anything from a site that you've never visited before unless you know FOR A FACT that it's safe.
4. Don't install any applets or say "Ok" to any windows that pop up when you visit a website.
5. Don't use Limewire or Gnutella or any of those music sharing sites. They are filled with Trojans.
6. When you search on Google, Yahoo, or any other site, try to avoid using the site that shows up under the advertising section. You never know what you'll be getting.
7. Don't accept files through IM from people you don't know or from people you do know if they just pop up randomly and try to send it to you.
8. If you have internet access at your house, get a router. It will act as a natural hardware firewall that won't slow down your system like some software firewalls.
9. If you're going to use a software firewall, make sure you use a legitimate one.
10. Make sure you have Windows do critical updates automatically.
11. Schedule a virus scan and spyware scan on a regular basis.
12. Don't be retarded.
13. Don't be a retard.
14. Don't act like a retard.
15. Don't act fucking retarded!
Can you tell that I've spent the last 7 hours running scans with different spyware and virus programs to try to figure out what's happened to one of my computers?
ARRRGGGHHHH!
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Comments by Sheila
'cept the whole lime wire thing. I lurves limewire
Comments by bluepaintred
/whisper go mac.
/end whisper
Comments by jester
Why couldn't you have posted that two months ago? My son may still have a computer. The whole don't download things rule? Yeah, he broke it and therefore broke his computer.
Comments by heather
Could you be more specific?
Comments by AnnieB
So your saying you didn't appreciate the little wooden horse left on your doorstep/pc?
Some people are just so ungrateful.
Comments by Too Much Hand
What AM I allowed to use?
Comments by metalmom
i blame eric coleman and his multiple personalities
Comments by hellohahanarf
Well, unfortunately, some of us have to use IE because the application that we support/develop does not work on Firefox; only on IE. So, since I develop all day long, I have to use IE. So there.
The rest of it is all, "duh" kind of stuff... But I am curious as to what prompted you to give us remedial computing for two year olds?
:-)
Maybe it's just me, since I work on this stuff all day long... Just curious. :-)
Comments by The Absurdist
Oh. Nevermind. What 'tard screwed up your 'puter?
Comments by The Absurdist
I did not break your computer.
Can we clarify that, please?
Can we please get on the Internet and say "BRITT is NOT retarded"?
Thank you.
Comments by Miss Britt
Ah... It was La Britta Tardita!
Don't worry Miss Britt. You aren't a 'tard. You should see the shit I have had to fix on all my friends' computers. God I swear I am going over to thinkgeek.com and getting the "NO I will NOT fix your computer" t-shirt.
Smiles to you...
Comments by The Absurdist
NO NO NO!! It really wasn't my computer that was breaking everything. He 'deep scanned' me and everything and it was NOT me!!
PROMISE!
Comments by Miss Britt
Comments by Sarcastica
I should add one to the list, and it helps a LOT of my family/friends that I support (being the alpha geek west of the mississippi)
Rule: use a "limited user" account for almost everything, all the time. Don't be an administrator on your own computer.
For windows XP and Vista, this is pretty easy. If you're not an admin on the computer, you can't install software. You can't overwrite system files. If you get anything weird, you can just recreate your profile.
Your friendly local super computer man knows how to do this and can help. Although I'm not local, I can also be friendly.
If you know of people with a business, and they have a windows domain (like with small business server), a simple group policy can enforce this behavior on ALL the machines, making it MUCH harder for any of them to get infected with anything. Of course, then employees b*tch about not being able to install yahoo toolbar or whatever crap, but, um, that's the point. Have an admin or knowledgable person do the installing.
Comments by Wayne
Comments by Jerzy Shore
Comments by themuttprincess
OK I am no deductive genius or nutting but if Mrs. A has been gone so long Adam's pissy clothes are all piled high, and if Avitable doesn't fook up the computers.... who does that leave??
Britt, it looks like once again I have to say you are well busted. heh heh
Comments by Y2K Survivor
If it helps, we use this at work at it is wonderful.
Comments by Luin
Sounds like your interview process needs to be much different than it has been in the past.
You know, aside from just hiring a cute blond because she says she'll show you her boobs.
Comments by Amy
#5 is always fucking me over and I can't seem to abandon it.
Comments by Robin
Dude. No wonder you're being cranky in the comments, you poor hairy bastard. Let me know if you need me to send you spoons (for the stabbing).
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Don't go to anysite that says "Free" in it's URL, you usually get a virus by just visiting the site. Also, aren't the new batch of pirating lawsuits getting LimeWire users? Shouldn't use that shit anyway. I think it's best to get music from the "underground".
"Get a Mac", sure, that's fine if you want to be brain-dead about protection. Mac Nazi's piss me off. I like my PC.
I haven't had a Virus in over 3 years and only then because my husband used my computer to look at porn. In IE.
So who's the numb-skull who wacked your shit up?
Comments by annie
also, don't ever use a hair dryer to remove the crotch crumbs (read: dust particles for the uninitiated) from inside the CPU.
HP can eat a bowl full of Compaq dick.
Comments by Grouch
Sadly, I break rules 12,13,14 and 15 on a regular basis. You're probably not surprised to hear that though are you?
Comments by jasmine
What I did to my PC after I got sick of fixing it
then I stole my Partners MacBook because hey, I am a cheap ass like that and there are shoes to buy.
Comments by SleepyNita
I'm going to echo a previous comment and say "go MAC." Still, mine has a wireless router, and I don't open spam mail, or anything suspicious for that matter.
Comments by e.Craig
Can't respond to everyone today.
1. It wasn't Britt. Her computer had some malware, but nothing major.
2. I don't know how it got on the laptop, but it's severely screwed.
3. My post started off saying "for anyone who wants to use a PC". The ONLY reason that Macs are relatively virus free is because they make up such a small portion of the user market that it's not worth writing virii for. Otherwise, they're poorly made machines with little to no upgradability that have limited use to a non-graphical power user.
4. Well, it might have been Britt. We don't know.
Comments by Avitable
That SUCKS.
I feel bad for you.
I would even take pity on you and do your laundry for you. If I lived closer.
Go take a dip in the pool.
Seriously - there is little worse.
Comments by Sybil Law
16. Get a Mac.
And, btw, just because I posted about B before posting about you doesn't mean you need to be whiny about it. Crying out loud. You didn't flip me off. :p Actually, after I saw you I kinda didn't have internet access until I got to her house. And, really, if I'm *at* her house am I going to post about you, who took me to a restaurant because you were too scared that I'd chop you up into little pieces, or B who loves me enough to bring her into her home and let me sleep in her Paris bedroom (ahhhhh, France)?
Comments by Poppy
17. Get a Mac.
18. Get a Mac.
19. Doesn't matter that it's only because no one's writing virii for them, get a fucking
Mac.
20. Macs are built on a foundation that is much older than Bill Gates. Get a fucking Mac.
Comments by Poppy
Awww Hon... Did you figure it out? You didn't infect all of us by being a fucking retard, did ya? Hey! Just asking...
Comments by DutchBitch
Like I said; all that fucking SNAKE and DONKEY porn you're looking at, I'm sure that is coming from REAL reputable sites.
Comments by annie
Do you recommend specific virus scans and spyware scans (free preferably)? I just got a new Mac and my friend told me that I don't need to worry about viruses with Macintoshes because they're built better than the other PCs... is this true? Seems a bit too good to be true. Sorry to be a pain, but since we're talking about computers here and I'm one of those annoying retards!
Glad to know about Limewire... my friend has been encouraging me to use it and I think that's what led to my last computer crash.
Comments by cat
Was my co-worker at your computer? Cause she does stupid shite like that all the time.... drives our IT dept nuts...
Comments by Fantastagirl
that's weird....i've never had a problem with limewire...but then again, how would I know? I'd NEVER download music illegally. ;)
Comments by webmiztris