Captain Rantypants Featured Image

Does not compu*—-

Fucking computers. And fucking computer users!

Okay, here’s a tutorial for anyone who wants to use a PC or the internet.

1. Use a browser like Firefox or Opera. Don’t use IE.
2. Don’t open attachments. Especially if you don’t know the person. If you do know the person, scan it before you open it.
3. Don’t download anything from a site that you’ve never visited before unless you know FOR A FACT that it’s safe.
4. Don’t install any applets or say “Ok” to any windows that pop up when you visit a website.
5. Don’t use Limewire or Gnutella or any of those music sharing sites. They are filled with Trojans.
6. When you search on Google, Yahoo, or any other site, try to avoid using the site that shows up under the advertising section. You never know what you’ll be getting.
7. Don’t accept files through IM from people you don’t know or from people you do know if they just pop up randomly and try to send it to you.
8. If you have internet access at your house, get a router. It will act as a natural hardware firewall that won’t slow down your system like some software firewalls.
9. If you’re going to use a software firewall, make sure you use a legitimate one.
10. Make sure you have Windows do critical updates automatically.
11. Schedule a virus scan and spyware scan on a regular basis.
12. Don’t be retarded.
13. Don’t be a retard.
14. Don’t act like a retard.
15. Don’t act fucking retarded!

Can you tell that I’ve spent the last 7 hours running scans with different spyware and virus programs to try to figure out what’s happened to one of my computers?


Share the love:
Follow by Email

36 Replies to “Does not compu*—-”

  1. The Absurdist

    Well, unfortunately, some of us have to use IE because the application that we support/develop does not work on Firefox; only on IE. So, since I develop all day long, I have to use IE. So there.

    The rest of it is all, “duh” kind of stuff… But I am curious as to what prompted you to give us remedial computing for two year olds?


    Maybe it’s just me, since I work on this stuff all day long… Just curious. 🙂

  2. The Absurdist

    Ah… It was La Britta Tardita!

    Don’t worry Miss Britt. You aren’t a ‘tard. You should see the shit I have had to fix on all my friends’ computers. God I swear I am going over to and getting the “NO I will NOT fix your computer” t-shirt.

    Smiles to you…

  3. Wayne

    I should add one to the list, and it helps a LOT of my family/friends that I support (being the alpha geek west of the mississippi)

    Rule: use a “limited user” account for almost everything, all the time. Don’t be an administrator on your own computer.

    For windows XP and Vista, this is pretty easy. If you’re not an admin on the computer, you can’t install software. You can’t overwrite system files. If you get anything weird, you can just recreate your profile.

    Your friendly local super computer man knows how to do this and can help. Although I’m not local, I can also be friendly.

    If you know of people with a business, and they have a windows domain (like with small business server), a simple group policy can enforce this behavior on ALL the machines, making it MUCH harder for any of them to get infected with anything. Of course, then employees b*tch about not being able to install yahoo toolbar or whatever crap, but, um, that’s the point. Have an admin or knowledgable person do the installing.

  4. Y2K Survivor

    OK I am no deductive genius or nutting but if Mrs. A has been gone so long Adam’s pissy clothes are all piled high, and if Avitable doesn’t fook up the computers…. who does that leave??

    Britt, it looks like once again I have to say you are well busted. heh heh

  5. Amy

    Sounds like your interview process needs to be much different than it has been in the past.

    You know, aside from just hiring a cute blond because she says she’ll show you her boobs.

  6. annie

    Don’t go to anysite that says “Free” in it’s URL, you usually get a virus by just visiting the site. Also, aren’t the new batch of pirating lawsuits getting LimeWire users? Shouldn’t use that shit anyway. I think it’s best to get music from the “underground”.

    “Get a Mac”, sure, that’s fine if you want to be brain-dead about protection. Mac Nazi’s piss me off. I like my PC.
    I haven’t had a Virus in over 3 years and only then because my husband used my computer to look at porn. In IE.

    So who’s the numb-skull who wacked your shit up?

  7. Avitable

    Can’t respond to everyone today.

    1. It wasn’t Britt. Her computer had some malware, but nothing major.

    2. I don’t know how it got on the laptop, but it’s severely screwed.

    3. My post started off saying “for anyone who wants to use a PC”. The ONLY reason that Macs are relatively virus free is because they make up such a small portion of the user market that it’s not worth writing virii for. Otherwise, they’re poorly made machines with little to no upgradability that have limited use to a non-graphical power user.

    4. Well, it might have been Britt. We don’t know.

  8. Poppy

    16. Get a Mac.

    And, btw, just because I posted about B before posting about you doesn’t mean you need to be whiny about it. Crying out loud. You didn’t flip me off. :p Actually, after I saw you I kinda didn’t have internet access until I got to her house. And, really, if I’m *at* her house am I going to post about you, who took me to a restaurant because you were too scared that I’d chop you up into little pieces, or B who loves me enough to bring her into her home and let me sleep in her Paris bedroom (ahhhhh, France)?

  9. Poppy

    17. Get a Mac.

    18. Get a Mac.

    19. Doesn’t matter that it’s only because no one’s writing virii for them, get a fucking

    20. Macs are built on a foundation that is much older than Bill Gates. Get a fucking Mac.

  10. cat

    Do you recommend specific virus scans and spyware scans (free preferably)? I just got a new Mac and my friend told me that I don’t need to worry about viruses with Macintoshes because they’re built better than the other PCs… is this true? Seems a bit too good to be true. Sorry to be a pain, but since we’re talking about computers here and I’m one of those annoying retards!

    Glad to know about Limewire… my friend has been encouraging me to use it and I think that’s what led to my last computer crash.

Leave a Reply