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Lazy Sunday X

1. I’m sure we all know what your name is… so, tell us your boss’s name.
Well, I’m a slave to television, Diet Coke, and my wife. Would it be a boss if you’re a slave?

2. Do you actually read your friend’s surveys, or do you just copy paste them and fill them out yourself?
Why would I want to read what anyone else says? I’m the only one that matters.

3. Which is your favorite episode of “I Love Lucy”?
The Threesome, when Lucy and Ethel have sex with Fred, and then Ricky walks in and yells at Lucy, she starts crying, and then Ricky joins in and everything’s okay. That part where Ricky’s teling Ethel to play his bongos like he likes it kills me every time.

4. Tell us your favorite conspiracy theory:
9/11 was orchestrated by a small cabal of midgets who live underneath the desk in the Oval Office, and Osama bin Laden is actually a puppet made by Jim Henson before he died. Oh, and the state of Utah has been inhabited by zombies for four years.

5. Do you consider yourself a deep thinker?
Does the earth consider itself round? Does a cow consider itself full of milk? Does the Pope shit in the woods?

6. Name three people who you are closest friends with.
The closeness of my friendship with someone is in direct proportion with their level of sycophanciness towards me.

7. Which one of those three people would you eat first, if you were starving?
The likelihood of consuming the three most sychophantic people would be reversely proportional to how thin they were.

8. How many red shirts would you say you own, off the top of your head?
Well, I love to walk around town with a string hanging out of my ass pretending that I’m a used tampon. That takes dedication and four different red shirts that I can switch out.

9. No one cares whether or not you believe in love at first sight… but, do you believe in hate at first sight?
I believe in confused at first sight and annoyed at first sight. And I just hate people before I see them.

10. If you said yes to the last question, do you think that the reason you are so hateful and judgemental is because you didn’t receive enough love when you were a child?
You’re the stupid fucker who misspelled “judgmental”. Go suck a tailpipe.

11. How old will you be in 2021?
As long as the 17-year old girls stay 17, does it matter how old I am?

12. Would you rather be tone deaf or color blind?
Knock-knock joke mute.

13. When do you think is the proper time in a relationship to give the other person your business card?
Somewhere before approaching the subject of anal sex but after you do a Dutch Oven.

14. When you were a kid, which comic strip was your favorite?
That Mary Worth was hot.

15. You can only wear a sock on one foot for the rest of your life… which foot do you choose to wear it on?
One foot? I’ll wear it on my 12-inch penis.

16. How many words can you make out of the letters of your name?
In English or Ancient Sumerian?

17. How do you feel about fake plants?
I just get annoyed watering them with fake water.

18. What is your obsessive compulsion?
I can only wear underwear that has six holes in it.

20. Do you know what the heck the difference is between the statements “we’re just dating” and “we’re together”?
Do you know what a “plethora” is? Would you say I have a plethora of pinata?

21. When you think, do you see the words that you are thinking in your mind, as if they were being written down?
I think in pictures. Naked pictures. With lots of rubbing.

22. If a person is brought up speaking both Spanish and English in equal amounts and equally fluently, which language do they think in?
Everyone knows that everybody thinks in Pig Latin. Uhday.

23. Does it make you uncomfortable when people ask you your shoe size?
Only if the next question is “Is it in yet?”

24. Would you feel guilty about cheating on your taxes if you got away with it?

25. You are walking on the beach when suddenly you find a genie lamp. You rub it, and out pops the genie. He proclaims that he is so thankful to you for letting him out after thousands of years that he gives you three wishes. What do you think he did to occupy his time while stuck in that lamp for so long?…
Crochet. How do you think he made that tiny (and slightly gay) hat?

26. If you had braces, would you put little diamonds on your brackets and call them your “grill”?
Hellz yeah! You know what I’m talkin’ about. I’d be all up in that shit.

27. You have 24 hours to live… what are you going to wear?!?!?
Absolutely nothing. Except a tiara.

28. Which is worse… someone blowing cigarette smoke in your face, or kissing someone who has dip in their mouth?
Blowing a dipshit who puts a cigarette out on your face.

29. Had you ever answered any of these questions before?
Only number 19, so I had to put him out of his misery.

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15 Replies to “Lazy Sunday X”

  1. Avitable

    Sheila, fo shizzle my bizzle.

    Mr. Fabulous, and the world is a better place for it.

    Hilly, I’ll get right on that.

    DB, did I say inches? I meant centimeters.

    HG5, it’s a word I just invented.

    Gabriel, is it difficult being you?

    TrishK, full one. With real cubic zirconia!

    Amy, I save that picture for special occasions.

    Britt, no, I know how sycophantic you are in private.

    Hilly, do you have a tiara, too?

    Sybil, ankthay ouyay.

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