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On Saturday (my wedding anniversary), I had the distinct pleasure of sitting on babysitting the creatures that spawned from Britt’s unholy vagina. They were very well-behaved, which just made me more nervous since I just knew that they were secretly plotting the best way to sacrifice me to their dark lord. Or maybe just beat me and rob me blind. I never did figure it out.

This time did give me some more context so that I could have a chance to figure out Princess’s ancient dialect. If you ever come across someone speaking Sumerian, this might help you with fostering proper communication:

“Ahtahm pawddyy” means “I have to go the bathroom right now for the fourth fucking time today!”

“Kneehahlp” means “I’m only two, retard. I can’t do this by myself.”

“I deweet” means “I’m two, retard. I can do this on my own. Now piss off.”

“Poakaymahn dubelewe tee eph” means “Dude, I don’t understand Pokemon, either. Can we watch CNN?”

“No jooc vahdcah” means “I’m really fuckin’ sick of juice. Toss a little vodka in there, will ya?”

and finally

“Boosh plehn Ihrek poopy” means “While I disagree with Bush’s Iraq policy, I think that pulling out all at once would cause severe damage to the infrastructure of Iraq.”

If anyone needs help, I can provide my services as a translator and consultant for a modest fee.

On another note, the Halloween party is coming up in less than two weeks! You still have time to plan your trip, take a long weekend, and get your ass down here. You’ll be missing great food, tons of liquor, and an awesome time!

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36 Replies to “Translator”

  1. HoosierGirl5

    Oh yeah, I know that language all too well. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it) 3 of mine have switched from baby language to an even scarier form of communication: teen-speak! It involves a lot of eye-rolling. At least I can still communicate with the 7 yr.old.!

    Sounds like you were a great babysitter!

  2. Angel

    Apparently you do not follow directions well, either. In my comment to you on your anniversary video I said MAKE some babies, not WATCH some.

    On a completely different note, Britt’s daughter sounds like an absolute doll baby!! :clap:

  3. Miss Britt

    HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA – OMG, the scary part is your version of what she sounds like “sound” EXACTLY like her.

    Please compile a longer list so I can give it to her father – who has not made even this much progress in understanding her.

  4. metalmom

    You WATCHED KIDS on your anniversary???
    I’ve been around kids way too long–I understood what she was saying BEFORE the translations! The kids I watch don’t say vodka, but they know to leave MY sippy cup alone!

  5. Stephanie

    I have been reading your blog for a while, but never commented. BUT ANYWAY, I really enjoy your page, and I just wanted to stop by and say that.
    From what I’ve gathered, I’m sure you’d be an excellent influence on any two little children, particularly two who are under 10.

  6. Avitable

    Sheila, yeah, she’s picked up on Britt’s speaking habits very quickly.

    Mr. Fabulous, that would be way too scary. And I am very excited to see your costume!

    HG5, I can understand teen-speak. It’s how I find young girls to hook up with.

    Angel, well, watching them’s a good first step. And she’s more like an evil doll baby – like Chuckie.

    Britt, aww, but it’s so cute the way he just cocks his head at her and says, “What, honey? Huh? What?”

    ADW, why does this make you think I have a heart? I was fearful for my life from the hellions! And I am really good at picking up thick accents – it comes with my job.

    Britt, so you expect me to become a daddyblogger without even fucking having kids?

    NYCWD, don’t you watch the History Channel? It’s a fact.

    Poppy, well, she is Britt’s kid. And it’s no big deal. Amy doesn’t get back until tomorrow night.

    Hello, anytime.

    TMP, my fees can be waived in lieu of naked photos.

    Robin, yeah, hopefully nobody will ever make that mistake.

    AnnieB, that was pretty much my weekend!

    Metalmom, you just think they leave your sippy cup alone.

    Britt, well, yes you are, but that’s ok.

    Bossy, you should definitely beam yourself here. You won’t want to leave.

    Amy, shit, you’re right! My wallet’s here, but the AmEx is missing.

    Lynda, BritT’s (two Ts – big difference) son was not too happy with me about bad lanuage on the magnets that we have on our fridge.

  7. hellohahanarf

    he didn’t like your magnets? i had a friend’s kid give me grief about several of my magnets. i told him that when he grew up and could afford his own fridge he could put whatever the hell he wanted on it. until then i was the adult & would do whatever i wanted because my mommy said so. so there.

    friend was not real impressed, but the kid hasn’t screwed with me about anything else in my house since.

  8. AnnieB

    My sympathies bebe.

    What I was referring to (and I guess you forgot) was RW declaring the 15th as “International Squish The Toady Day.” So I was squishing you. πŸ™‚

  9. Avitable

    Hello, I’d rather he was upset at the words “balls” and “bitch” than running around shouting them.

    Brandi, it’s usually, “1, 2, I’m coming for you, 3, 4, better lock your door, 5, 6, get your crucifix, 7, 8, don’t hesitate . . .”

    Lynda, yeah, I figured. But if I didn’t say anything, somehow I’d get blamed for it.

    AnnieB, I thought it was the 12th. Didn’t realize it was today.

    Britt, and why his toenails are painted pink.

  10. Sybil Law

    That is way too cute. Seriously – are you and the ass kicker extraordinaire going to reproduce anytime soon? I would LOVE to read that stuff! (Not the sex part – the baby part…! Aw, hell – sex part, too. Haha)
    I am such a good mom – my 5 year old is cracking up as I type at the boobs and all the other smilies…. crap!

  11. Sarcastica

    I hope for the Halloween party your hidden cameras are up all over the place so I can see great footage of the party I will not be attending because a)I live in Canada, b) I’m very broke and c)I have prior engagements. :angel:

  12. Avitable

    Stephanie, thanks for the comment – it got caught in the spam filter. And I’m a great influence on little kids!

    Sarcastica, the cameras will mainly be in the bathroom.

    Dave, my powers have their limits.

  13. Stephanie

    Off topic, but do you know why it would get caught? I think it’s happening at any site I visit lately. I know next to nothing about all of that, so I thought I’d ask.

    And I’m sure you’re a good influence. πŸ™‚

  14. Avitable

    Stephanie, it’s probably the domain name. It’s a very spam-sounding name. You might want to try leaving a few comments on a site without putting your URL in, and if it lets you through, then after a few, you could probably start putting it in again.

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