On Tuesday night, I went to pick my wife up at the airport after her month-long business trip. As usual, I got there about 10-15 minutes early, and circled around, unable to stop because apparently I might be carrying a car bomb that would blow up the baggage claim area. I guess a car bomb that blows up the parking garage is a better alternative.
As I circled, I saw the same people sitting on benches, waiting to be picked up. And I wondered, who's supposed to be picking them up? Do they have a rude or idiot spouse or significant other who can't bother to get there on time? Or are they counting on a friend who is letting them down yet again? Some of those waiting actually had luggage with them, which meant that they had landed at least 30-45 minutes prior. Where were their rides? Who was that inconsiderate?
If I had a van or a large truck, I would have pulled over and offered each of them a ride. Those who didn't shriek or shy away from the idea of getting a ride from someone who looks like a homeless man's pet monkey would have been able to get home without needing the help of the thoughtless fucker on whom they were counting. My wife might not have liked it, but if we had a van or truck, we would have been traversing Central Florida that night, taking people home where they so clearly wanted to be.
But I don't have a van or a large truck, and I also needed to get home so I could pee, so, instead, I just pulled up to each person, offered them a ride, and then drove away with squealing tires when they got up to take advantage of my altruism. It's just my way of killing people with kindness. Or killing kindness with kindness. Meh - either way works for me.
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
Did you like this post?
posted by 
filed under 
tagged 
you are so generous with your time. Think of how you made their day!
Comments by Amanda
I hate it when I have to pee and am in a vehicle. It always takes so long to get the smell out
Comments by greenpaintblue
There you go... insulting monkey's again... were you attacked by monkeys at the zoo when you were little or something?
Comments by Dave2
Oh. My. God.
At first, I was all, "awwww! He really DOES have a sweet, sensitive, kind side to him!"
And then... I finished reading the entry.
Thanks a lot for making me laugh. Because the side that is going, "THAT WAS SO RUDE! HOW COULD YOU BE LAUGHING?!" is the side that is also telling me that I'm probably going to hell for thinking that was funny.
Even though I'm clearly horrified, too.
Comments by Amber
Your wife is back?
How are you finding time to blog?
I'm just sayin'.....
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
I was getting worried there. Thank God that in the end you proved to be the asshole that we all know and love.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Funny... I noticed a smiliar thing when at the airport.
Needless to say... there was alot of shrieking.
Comments by NYCWD
Alternative #1: The people sitting there were the idiots, because they didn't call for their ride until they landed
#2: The people sitting there are professional people-watchers and they get the most variety at the airport.
#3: Al Queda has released a "you need to pee now" serum and they started in Florida, and most of the people who were supposed to pick people up have already succumbed to it's ill effects, but you being an overgrown pet monkey, the toxin had to work extra special hard to get through.
Comments by Wayne
If you had chopped them all up, it would have been much easier to fit them into your trunk...just sayin'!
Comments by metalmom
Amanda, I know. Hopefully I brought just a little bit of sunshine.
BPR, why did you change your name? And usually, I just uncoil my penis and hang it out the window.
Dave, they threw nasty smelly things at me!
Amber, clearly, you're horrified. But mainly you're amused.
HG5, she came home, and 32 seconds later, I was ready to blog again!
Mr. Fabulous, phew!
NYCWD, shrieking like a monkey shrieking?
Wayne, wouldn't their rides have known when they were landing? I think #3 is right on the money, though.
Comments by Avitable
Metalmom, wow. Even I didn't go there.
Comments by Avitable
It was more like shrieking because "the truck is throttling toward me" shrieking.
How else did they expect me to get around all the fucking flower power cabs other than to use the sidewalk?????
Idiots.
Comments by NYCWD
I actually go there to pick up strangers. No one is a stranger for long around me. I'm easy that way.
Comments by ADW
People sitting around with luggage at an airport? And they're not being arrested or handcuffed??
What's security coming to in this country!?!
Comments by RW
I sense a trend. Every time you talk about driving in the car, you mention how badly you need to pee. You need to carry a large cup around with you or get a catheter or something.
Comments by y not i
Nah, what he needs is a Stadium Pal.
Comments by RW
Heh. I changed it yesterday when I overcome with jealousy over your new DVD.
Comments by bluepaintred
That's funny, I've done a lot of waiting to be picked up in airports. Not by B or Dawg, mind you.
Comments by Poppy
welcome home, mrs. avi!!
now get crackin on that laundry monster that looks like jaba the hutt.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Or possibly they have not called yet. Because they're sitting on the bench after a long getaway and contemplating if they should go home. Or call.
Or just RUN LIKE FUCKING HELL!!!
I mean, you know, maybe.
Comments by Miss Britt
Didn't your mother teach you to go before you got in the car? sheesh
Comments by Turnbaby
Ha - what he doesn't doesn't tell you is that Mrs. A. was sitting on a bench on a curb with her luggage outside ANOTHER terminal because Avi here was at the wrong one.
It's the old "Ooh, I was at the wrong terminal those signs are sooooo confusing" ruse.
Comments by Britt's mom
NYCWD, just like a driveway is for parking and a parkway is for driving, isn't a sidewalk also for driving?
ADW, well, when you drop to your knees that quickly, I'm not surprised.
RW, we're apparently letting the terrorists win.
Y not I, good thinking.
RW, that's horrifying!
BPR, I noticed that and was wondering about that.
Poppy, that explains a lot. That's so rude!
Hello, I broke down and did my own laundry.
Britt, that's an excellent point. Maybe some of them just want to come home to my house to hang out.
Turnbaby, it was all the circling that did it.
Mom, I'd never go to the wrong one. I'd never leave Amy hanging there.
Comments by Avitable
Nahhh, you'd just make her get a cab.
Comments by Miss Britt
But were you wearing your new manties & socks?
Comments by Tug
You could have waited until their suitcases were in your trunk and their hands were on your car door handles...
Comments by BOSSY
Next time I'm in Florida I'll make sure not to have you be the one to pick me up.
Comments by Robin
Britt, dogfucker.
Tug, just the new socks. The manties hadn't arrived yet.
Bossy, ooh, I like your enthusiasm!
Robin, then I guess you'll be sitting there forever. I'm the only one you can trust to be on time!
Comments by Avitable
"I also needed to get home so I could pee"
I'm noticing a trend here - apparently you always have to pee when you are out driving. Didn’t your mom ever tell you to go before you leave the house? Or do you just have a bladder the size of a walnut?
Comments by Crazy Lady in Vegas
Crazy, usually I can drink copious amounts without having to pee. It's something about the car and when I have an urgent errand!
Comments by Avitable
See my fucking goddamned fucking blog about the goddamned fucking holy-hell piece of shit fucking orlando aiport. Just wrote the goddamned fucking thing.
Comments by The Absurdist
That's true...you are far more reliable than MIL.
Comments by Robin
Wow.. you do have a heart. Hidden nicely, but there nonetheless.
Comments by Lin
If only everyone else was half as generous as you are!
Comments by Sarcastica
Absurdist, did you have fun? I can't tell.
Robin, I'm sure.
Lin, shh. Don't tell anyone.
Sarcastica, I know!
Comments by Avitable
Thanks for making me Laugh today
Comments by Vera
Your airport doesn't have shuttle services?
Comments by Lynda
You need to see that commercial for.. damn I don't remember what it's actually called (great advertising), but it's the "gotta go gotta go gotta go right now", drug.
Comments by Sybil Law
Vera, not only did you laugh, but you Laughed? Awesome!
Lynda, yes. Why would someone take a shuttle service if their loving spouse can pick them up at the curb? Besides, she takes a cab to the airport usually.
Sybil Law, this doesn't usually happen to me - except when I write about it, apparently.
Comments by Avitable