Airport


 

On Tuesday night, I went to pick my wife up at the airport after her month-long business trip. As usual, I got there about 10-15 minutes early, and circled around, unable to stop because apparently I might be carrying a car bomb that would blow up the baggage claim area. I guess a car bomb that blows up the parking garage is a better alternative.

As I circled, I saw the same people sitting on benches, waiting to be picked up. And I wondered, who's supposed to be picking them up? Do they have a rude or idiot spouse or significant other who can't bother to get there on time? Or are they counting on a friend who is letting them down yet again? Some of those waiting actually had luggage with them, which meant that they had landed at least 30-45 minutes prior. Where were their rides? Who was that inconsiderate?

If I had a van or a large truck, I would have pulled over and offered each of them a ride. Those who didn't shriek or shy away from the idea of getting a ride from someone who looks like a homeless man's pet monkey would have been able to get home without needing the help of the thoughtless fucker on whom they were counting. My wife might not have liked it, but if we had a van or truck, we would have been traversing Central Florida that night, taking people home where they so clearly wanted to be.

But I don't have a van or a large truck, and I also needed to get home so I could pee, so, instead, I just pulled up to each person, offered them a ride, and then drove away with squealing tires when they got up to take advantage of my altruism. It's just my way of killing people with kindness. Or killing kindness with kindness. Meh - either way works for me.

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39 comments

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  1.  

    you are so generous with your time. Think of how you made their day!

    Comments by Amanda

    comment by Amanda Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 12:41 am

     

  2.  

    I hate it when I have to pee and am in a vehicle. It always takes so long to get the smell out

    Comments by greenpaintblue

    comment by greenpaintblue Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 1:35 am

     

  3.  

    There you go... insulting monkey's again... were you attacked by monkeys at the zoo when you were little or something?

    lmao

    Comments by Dave2

    comment by Dave2 Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 2:14 am

     

  4.  

    Oh. My. God.

    At first, I was all, "awwww! He really DOES have a sweet, sensitive, kind side to him!"

    And then... I finished reading the entry.

    Thanks a lot for making me laugh. Because the side that is going, "THAT WAS SO RUDE! HOW COULD YOU BE LAUGHING?!" is the side that is also telling me that I'm probably going to hell for thinking that was funny.

    Even though I'm clearly horrified, too.

    Comments by Amber

    comment by Amber Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 2:37 am

     

  5.  

    Your wife is back?

    How are you finding time to blog? sex011

    I'm just sayin'..... P

    J.

    Comments by HoosierGirl5

    comment by HoosierGirl5 Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 3:15 am

     

  6.  

    I was getting worried there. Thank God that in the end you proved to be the asshole that we all know and love.

    Comments by Mr. Fabulous

    comment by Mr. Fabulous Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 5:00 am

     

  7.  

    Funny... I noticed a smiliar thing when at the airport.

    Needless to say... there was alot of shrieking.

    Comments by NYCWD

    comment by NYCWD Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 7:24 am

     

  8.  

    Alternative #1: The people sitting there were the idiots, because they didn't call for their ride until they landed

    #2: The people sitting there are professional people-watchers and they get the most variety at the airport.

    #3: Al Queda has released a "you need to pee now" serum and they started in Florida, and most of the people who were supposed to pick people up have already succumbed to it's ill effects, but you being an overgrown pet monkey, the toxin had to work extra special hard to get through.

    Comments by Wayne

    comment by Wayne Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 7:53 am

     

  9.  

    If you had chopped them all up, it would have been much easier to fit them into your trunk...just sayin'! batting

    Comments by metalmom

    comment by metalmom Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 7:59 am

     

  10.  

    Amanda, I know. Hopefully I brought just a little bit of sunshine.

    BPR, why did you change your name? And usually, I just uncoil my penis and hang it out the window.

    Dave, they threw nasty smelly things at me!

    Amber, clearly, you're horrified. But mainly you're amused.

    HG5, she came home, and 32 seconds later, I was ready to blog again!

    Mr. Fabulous, phew!

    NYCWD, shrieking like a monkey shrieking?

    Wayne, wouldn't their rides have known when they were landing? I think #3 is right on the money, though.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 8:01 am

     

  11.  

    Metalmom, wow. Even I didn't go there.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 8:01 am

     

  12.  

    It was more like shrieking because "the truck is throttling toward me" shrieking.

    How else did they expect me to get around all the fucking flower power cabs other than to use the sidewalk?????

    Idiots.

    Comments by NYCWD

    comment by NYCWD Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 8:04 am

     

  13.  

    I actually go there to pick up strangers. No one is a stranger for long around me. I'm easy that way.

    Comments by ADW

    comment by ADW Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 8:41 am

     

  14.  

    People sitting around with luggage at an airport? And they're not being arrested or handcuffed??

    What's security coming to in this country!?!

    Comments by RW

    comment by RW Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 9:19 am

     

  15.  

    I sense a trend. Every time you talk about driving in the car, you mention how badly you need to pee. You need to carry a large cup around with you or get a catheter or something.

    Comments by y not i

    comment by y not i Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 9:39 am

     

  16.  

    Nah, what he needs is a Stadium Pal.

    Comments by RW

    comment by RW Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 9:49 am

     

  17.  

    Heh. I changed it yesterday when I overcome with jealousy over your new DVD.

    dunce

    Comments by bluepaintred

    comment by bluepaintred Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 10:04 am

     

  18.  

    That's funny, I've done a lot of waiting to be picked up in airports. Not by B or Dawg, mind you.

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 10:14 am

     

  19.  

    welcome home, mrs. avi!!
    now get crackin on that laundry monster that looks like jaba the hutt.

    Comments by hellohahanarf

    comment by hellohahanarf Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 10:49 am

     

  20.  

    Or possibly they have not called yet. Because they're sitting on the bench after a long getaway and contemplating if they should go home. Or call.

    Or just RUN LIKE FUCKING HELL!!!

    I mean, you know, maybe.

    Comments by Miss Britt

    comment by Miss Britt Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 11:10 am

     

  21.  

    Didn't your mother teach you to go before you got in the car? sheesh

    Comments by Turnbaby

    comment by Turnbaby Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 11:56 am

     

  22.  

    Ha - what he doesn't doesn't tell you is that Mrs. A. was sitting on a bench on a curb with her luggage outside ANOTHER terminal because Avi here was at the wrong one.

    It's the old "Ooh, I was at the wrong terminal those signs are sooooo confusing" ruse.

    Comments by Britt's mom

    comment by Britt's mom Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 12:05 pm

     

  23.  

    NYCWD, just like a driveway is for parking and a parkway is for driving, isn't a sidewalk also for driving?

    ADW, well, when you drop to your knees that quickly, I'm not surprised.

    RW, we're apparently letting the terrorists win.

    Y not I, good thinking.

    RW, that's horrifying!

    BPR, I noticed that and was wondering about that.

    Poppy, that explains a lot. That's so rude!

    Hello, I broke down and did my own laundry.

    Britt, that's an excellent point. Maybe some of them just want to come home to my house to hang out.

    Turnbaby, it was all the circling that did it.

    Mom, I'd never go to the wrong one. I'd never leave Amy hanging there.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 12:25 pm

     

  24.  

    Nahhh, you'd just make her get a cab.

    Comments by Miss Britt

    comment by Miss Britt Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 12:28 pm

     

  25.  

    But were you wearing your new manties & socks?

    Comments by Tug

    comment by Tug Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 1:19 pm

     

  26.  

    You could have waited until their suitcases were in your trunk and their hands were on your car door handles...

    Comments by BOSSY

    comment by BOSSY Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 1:24 pm

     

  27.  

    Next time I'm in Florida I'll make sure not to have you be the one to pick me up.

    Comments by Robin

    comment by Robin Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 1:38 pm

     

  28.  

    Britt, dogfucker.

    Tug, just the new socks. The manties hadn't arrived yet.

    Bossy, ooh, I like your enthusiasm!

    Robin, then I guess you'll be sitting there forever. I'm the only one you can trust to be on time!

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 3:05 pm

     

  29.  

    "I also needed to get home so I could pee"

    I'm noticing a trend here - apparently you always have to pee when you are out driving. Didn’t your mom ever tell you to go before you leave the house? Or do you just have a bladder the size of a walnut?

    Comments by Crazy Lady in Vegas

    comment by Crazy Lady in Vegas Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 6:09 pm

     

  30.  

    Crazy, usually I can drink copious amounts without having to pee. It's something about the car and when I have an urgent errand!

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 6:41 pm

     

  31.  

    See my fucking goddamned fucking blog about the goddamned fucking holy-hell piece of shit fucking orlando aiport. Just wrote the goddamned fucking thing.

    Comments by The Absurdist

    comment by The Absurdist Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 7:05 pm

     

  32.  

    That's true...you are far more reliable than MIL.

    Comments by Robin

    comment by Robin Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 7:47 pm

     

  33.  

    Wow.. you do have a heart. Hidden nicely, but there nonetheless.

    Comments by Lin

    comment by Lin Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 10:13 pm

     

  34.  

    If only everyone else was half as generous as you are!

    Comments by Sarcastica

    comment by Sarcastica Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 10:28 pm

     

  35.  

    Absurdist, did you have fun? I can't tell.

    Robin, I'm sure.

    Lin, shh. Don't tell anyone.

    Sarcastica, I know!

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Thursday, October 18, 2007 @ 11:03 pm

     

  36.  

    Thanks for making me Laugh today

    Comments by Vera

    comment by Vera Friday, October 19, 2007 @ 1:39 pm

     

  37.  

    Your airport doesn't have shuttle services?

    Comments by Lynda

    comment by Lynda Friday, October 19, 2007 @ 2:06 pm

     

  38.  

    You need to see that commercial for.. damn I don't remember what it's actually called (great advertising), but it's the "gotta go gotta go gotta go right now", drug.

    Comments by Sybil Law

    comment by Sybil Law Friday, October 19, 2007 @ 2:18 pm

     

  39.  

    Vera, not only did you laugh, but you Laughed? Awesome!

    Lynda, yes. Why would someone take a shuttle service if their loving spouse can pick them up at the curb? Besides, she takes a cab to the airport usually.

    Sybil Law, this doesn't usually happen to me - except when I write about it, apparently.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Friday, October 19, 2007 @ 3:51 pm

     

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