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On Tuesday night, I went to pick my wife up at the airport after her month-long business trip. As usual, I got there about 10-15 minutes early, and circled around, unable to stop because apparently I might be carrying a car bomb that would blow up the baggage claim area. I guess a car bomb that blows up the parking garage is a better alternative.

As I circled, I saw the same people sitting on benches, waiting to be picked up. And I wondered, who’s supposed to be picking them up? Do they have a rude or idiot spouse or significant other who can’t bother to get there on time? Or are they counting on a friend who is letting them down yet again? Some of those waiting actually had luggage with them, which meant that they had landed at least 30-45 minutes prior. Where were their rides? Who was that inconsiderate?

If I had a van or a large truck, I would have pulled over and offered each of them a ride. Those who didn’t shriek or shy away from the idea of getting a ride from someone who looks like a homeless man’s pet monkey would have been able to get home without needing the help of the thoughtless fucker on whom they were counting. My wife might not have liked it, but if we had a van or truck, we would have been traversing Central Florida that night, taking people home where they so clearly wanted to be.

But I don’t have a van or a large truck, and I also needed to get home so I could pee, so, instead, I just pulled up to each person, offered them a ride, and then drove away with squealing tires when they got up to take advantage of my altruism. It’s just my way of killing people with kindness. Or killing kindness with kindness. Meh – either way works for me.

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39 Replies to “Airport”

  1. Amber

    Oh. My. God.

    At first, I was all, “awwww! He really DOES have a sweet, sensitive, kind side to him!”

    And then… I finished reading the entry.

    Thanks a lot for making me laugh. Because the side that is going, “THAT WAS SO RUDE! HOW COULD YOU BE LAUGHING?!” is the side that is also telling me that I’m probably going to hell for thinking that was funny.

    Even though I’m clearly horrified, too.

  2. Wayne

    Alternative #1: The people sitting there were the idiots, because they didn’t call for their ride until they landed

    #2: The people sitting there are professional people-watchers and they get the most variety at the airport.

    #3: Al Queda has released a “you need to pee now” serum and they started in Florida, and most of the people who were supposed to pick people up have already succumbed to it’s ill effects, but you being an overgrown pet monkey, the toxin had to work extra special hard to get through.

  3. Avitable

    Amanda, I know. Hopefully I brought just a little bit of sunshine.

    BPR, why did you change your name? And usually, I just uncoil my penis and hang it out the window.

    Dave, they threw nasty smelly things at me!

    Amber, clearly, you’re horrified. But mainly you’re amused.

    HG5, she came home, and 32 seconds later, I was ready to blog again!

    Mr. Fabulous, phew!

    NYCWD, shrieking like a monkey shrieking?

    Wayne, wouldn’t their rides have known when they were landing? I think #3 is right on the money, though.

  4. NYCWD

    It was more like shrieking because “the truck is throttling toward me” shrieking.

    How else did they expect me to get around all the fucking flower power cabs other than to use the sidewalk?????


  5. y not i

    I sense a trend. Every time you talk about driving in the car, you mention how badly you need to pee. You need to carry a large cup around with you or get a catheter or something.

  6. Britt's mom

    Ha – what he doesn’t doesn’t tell you is that Mrs. A. was sitting on a bench on a curb with her luggage outside ANOTHER terminal because Avi here was at the wrong one.

    It’s the old “Ooh, I was at the wrong terminal those signs are sooooo confusing” ruse.

  7. Avitable

    NYCWD, just like a driveway is for parking and a parkway is for driving, isn’t a sidewalk also for driving?

    ADW, well, when you drop to your knees that quickly, I’m not surprised.

    RW, we’re apparently letting the terrorists win.

    Y not I, good thinking.

    RW, that’s horrifying!

    BPR, I noticed that and was wondering about that.

    Poppy, that explains a lot. That’s so rude!

    Hello, I broke down and did my own laundry.

    Britt, that’s an excellent point. Maybe some of them just want to come home to my house to hang out.

    Turnbaby, it was all the circling that did it.

    Mom, I’d never go to the wrong one. I’d never leave Amy hanging there.

  8. Avitable

    Britt, dogfucker.

    Tug, just the new socks. The manties hadn’t arrived yet.

    Bossy, ooh, I like your enthusiasm!

    Robin, then I guess you’ll be sitting there forever. I’m the only one you can trust to be on time!

  9. Crazy Lady in Vegas

    “I also needed to get home so I could pee”

    I’m noticing a trend here – apparently you always have to pee when you are out driving. Didn’t your mom ever tell you to go before you leave the house? Or do you just have a bladder the size of a walnut?

  10. Avitable

    Vera, not only did you laugh, but you Laughed? Awesome!

    Lynda, yes. Why would someone take a shuttle service if their loving spouse can pick them up at the curb? Besides, she takes a cab to the airport usually.

    Sybil Law, this doesn’t usually happen to me – except when I write about it, apparently.

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