First, fuck Brighthouse and their new DVRs. Mine has decided to randomly fail to record specific shows for no reason. Stupid cockslapping monkeyfucking shitweasel Brighthouse.
Secondly, I was forced to watch The Office last night without being able to fast forward through the commercials. That was horrible. I did, however, get to see two interesting commercials:
1. Veramyst. This product apparently cures seasonal allergies year-round. During the middle of the commercial, an interesting disclaimer popped up on the bottom of the screen. Ready for this? "The way that Veramyst actually works is not completely understood." (It's also on their website!)
And this is approved by the FDA? Did their application have a little asterisk that said, "One of our guys accidentally mixed Drano with lemon juice and four D batteries while reading an ancient Latin text, and his allergies disappeared. We're not sure how it works exactly, and we think it might be a little bit of magic, along with a corrosive agent, but nobody knows for sure. We've asked some of the leading minds in magical potions, but none of them could leave their D&D game long enough to give us an answer. We'd sure love to have FDA approval, though, and we're hoping that these suitcases of cash will help you overlook the fact that we don't know how our product works."
2. Yoplait. Apparently, the new ad geniuses have decided that their new marketing approach is going to be talking about the "live and active cultures" inside of Yoplait. And the commercial has a bunch of little germ-looking things jumping out of the yogurt and dancing around. What the holy fuck? I know innately that yogurt is essentially bacteria, but who can honestly think that reminding us of the fact with DANCING FUCKING GERM PEOPLE is going to make me more likely to buy it? Not only was I horrified and repulsed, but I can honestly say that I don't think I can eat yogurt ever again.
Finally, about six months ago, I bought the entire series of the TV show Highlander on DVD. I just now got around to watching it. It's just as awesome as I remember. Sex, sword fights, and electricity. What more could someone ask for?
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ew watching TV while its live? That's nuts.
Also, I want to stay at the Beets Motel
Comments by Amanda
Oh I dunno, Veramyst sounds a lot like ice skating. It can't actually be done, but there it is anyway.
Comments by RW
Other than sex, sword fights, and electricity?
Monkeys.
Comments by Dave2
I make a habit of only taking pills that are blue or striped.
nothing else is welcome
Comments by bluepaintred
Since you're done with the Highlander DVDs, you may now mail it to me. My boyfriend would love it. Thank you.
Comments by Sheila
Wow that's a coincedience. I was getting on here to ask if you recorded the office and 30 rock so I could watch it, because my class ran a fucking hour and a half late that i missed both.
Comments by Jared
Okay, so, any opportunity that I can take to show that there actually IS a brain inside my head (as opposed to a wind tunnel that connects to each ear) I'm TOTALLY going to take. And since it's medical-related, well, can we say opportunity? Haha.
Uhm, I'll spare you the long spiel but basically the "live and active cultures" in yogurt are thought to have many health benefits. Some of which include helping to produce more lactase (the enzyme that breaks down lactose which is in dairy products and causes lots of burping and farting if you're intolerant) and explosive diarrhea. There's many others, but it's thought that the GOOD bacteria helps support healthy digestion and a healthy colon. Which is important because if you have "colon" issues, you get to have a camera stuck up your ass and really, how much fun is that? I KNOW you prefer the gerbils and all... but the camera is NOTHING like the rodent, tehe.
With that being said.
EWW! EWW! EWW! OH MY GOD! Who is the fucking genius that decided to promote THAT aspect of yogurt? I mean, it's one of those "unspoken" things that everybody knows but nobody TALKS about... like the reason you're sitting on a plastic donut at work. You know? Or when you're alone in an elevator and you fart, then someone steps on at the next floor and there's still that SMELL lingering. You know that they know... but really, who is going to say it? (I, for one, would deny it if they did).
But the point is: That is one of the GROSSEST commercials I've ever seen in my life. I think it's a tie with the yellow toe-nail commercial where the ugly yellow men lift up the toe nail like it's the hood of a car and climb in to spread the infection. Nasty little bastard.
If they are going to "work" the angle they are... then seriously, the little dancing "live cultures" need to have signs on their foreheads that say, "if you don't eat us, you're going to get EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!"
Really, it's the only motivation tool they have left to get consumers to by their yogurt now that the commercial "genius" put that shit up their for us to watch.
Okay, I'm done now. That is all.
Comments by Amber
I'm all about the swords.
There can be only one.
Comments by NYCWD
About yogurt! YEAH! But I've had this problem for years. I couldn't actually see the live and active cultures warning on the container AND eat it. I do believe that it was used an actual warning before some yahoo remembered we like pooping...You know, in general. And what is pooping? Getting rid of things we do not want in our bodies, like waste, lard from the mexican food place, and yes, live and active cultures.
Comments by Brandi
Sex, sword fights, and electricity. What more could someone ask for?
Yoplait.
Some live and active cultures would have perked that show up.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I knew I liked you. I knew you were funny and smart. But a Highlander fan? I now have a huge lesbian crush on you. Just sayin' ...
Did you see the latest crappy Highlander movie? It was better than the others by far ... but still pretty crappy. Why can't they make a decent Highlander movie??
Comments by Capricorn Cringe
I liked Highlander-but not the movies.
Why can't they LEAVE HIGHLANDER ALONE!!!
Comments by metalmom
Oh, I love yogurt. Bacteria.... not so much. The 1st time I saw the commercials promoting their live and active cultures I threw up a little. It takes a lot to gross me out, but the thought of ingesting bacteria or a guy jerking off a dolphin will do it.
Comments by ADW
See, you should be thanking Brighthouse for forcing you to watch commercials. Look at the hysterical post you ended up with!
Comments by Jeff
Actually, Jeff's right.
This is the first really funny post you've WRITTEN in quite a while.
Bravo!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
To be fair, the way that the brain works is not completely understood, but we're still allowed to use those...
Comments by Poppy
i love the office. when dwight was asked how he was and replied something along the lines of "better than you ever were or ever will be" i fell off my couch. awesome.
strange when i watched 30 rock all i could think of was the pic you posted of tiny all bent over with her butt in the air. hope you are happy, ruining me and all.
i always have to watch tv live. i'm a slave to that box.
Comments by hellohahanarf
Aspirin is still largely unexplained.
Comments by m
What more could someone ask for?
Uh, Adrian Paul... naked in their bedroom.
OMG - did I just type that out loud?!?!?!
Comments by Amy
I DVR'ed the Office and I'm totally psyched to watch it tonight. I agree that commercials have hit an all time low. Dancing bacteria - really????? That's just GROSS!!!!!! I don't eat yogurt now and I definitely won't go out and buy any yoplait.
Comments by Carmen
"Not only was I horrified and repulsed, but I can honestly say that I don't think I can eat yogurt ever again."
be honest - you weren't going to eat yogurt anymore anyway. :) it's so.....HEALTHY! blurgh!
Comments by Webmiztris
Suddenly, I am very glad I rarely watch TV anymore.
Comments by Lynda
Amanda, I like the Embassy Beets better.
RW, ice skating can't be done?
Dave, ooh - they should have called it Highlander and the Bear.
BPR, even rectally?
Sheila, I'm not done - I just started going through them finally. I have 9 box sets to go through!
Jared, I did record Office, so you can watch it here. 30 Rock is up for free on NBC, too.
Amber, oh, I understand the healthiness of it. I just choose not to think about it if I'm going to eat yogurt!
NYCWD, say it like a Scotsman - thar kun be yonlee won!
Brandi, nice use of the poop smiley.
Mr. Fabulous, that show was perky enough.
Capricorn Cringe, I haven't seen the movie yet, but I bought it as well.
Metalmom, Sean Connery's awesome, though.
ADW, how about a guy blowing a dolphin? That turns you on, does it?
Jeff, that's true.
Britt, I just haven't been around funny people recently, that's all.
Poppy, but we didn't license it by the FDA!
Hello, you have to watch it live? That's horrible.
M, but not in a magical disclaimer way.
Amy, I think he should be in more films - he's pretty badass.
Carmen, it was a great episode.
Webmiztris, well, maybe chocolate yogurt with more chocolate.
Lynda, it's not the TV. TV's great. It's just the commercials.
Comments by Avitable
Pfft, whatever. You are just around the funniest person in the whole wide world and therefore too intimidated to try anything on your own.
Clearly.
Comments by Miss Britt
I've been in such pain this whole week I am damn near willing to give Veramyst a try!
The Office rocks. So does your post! Those new socks and your wife getting home have you back in the swing of things!
Comments by Sybil Law
First off, we're seeing commercials about bacteria being good in DIRECT conspiratorial response to the MRSA Staph bacteria outbreak. It will subconsciously make everyone feel a little less scared ("eh, bacteria isn't so bad...")
Secondly, you
shouldshould follow George Carlin's advice about food. He won't eat anything with "y" and a "g" in it.Comments by Wayne
Britt, did you mean angriest bitch? Because then, yes, you're right.
Sybil Law, yeah, things are getting easier and funnier now.
Wayne, but what about gravy? I like gravy!
Comments by Avitable
I'm not angry.
I'm bitter.
There's a difference.
Comments by Miss Britt
OMG Adrian Paul Fuck YEAH
Comments by Turnbaby
I wish porn had commercials with live active cultures...you know, so I can pretend the money shot was the yogurt I should be eating for the health benefits.
CP
xxx
Comments by CP
Dear
God.
I sound like Fab now.
Comments by CP
Britt, nah, you're just angry. And mean. And violent.
Turnbaby, he is pretty awesome.
CP, wow. You just took it in an interesting direction.
Comments by Avitable