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Lazy Sunday XI

Do you drive the speed limit?
I’m a motivated individual. I strive to beat all limits on a daily basis.

Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
I almost did one time, but after oral sex, he just let me off with a warning.

What’s the fastest you’ve ever gone?
In a car: 125 mph. On a bike: 8 mph. In bed: 2.3 spo (seconds per orgasm).

Do you listen to music in your car?
I usually watch movies.

Would you rather be the driver or the passenger?
Driver, passenger, top, bottom, rider, ridee – I like to be the one in charge.

Do your passengers like to be backseat drivers?
The real question is whether or not they like it in their backseat.

Whats the longest distance you’ve ever driven in one day?
Well, I made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

Where was the first place you drove when you got your license?
I got my driving license and hunting license at the same time, so I drove into a deer.

Did you have any restrictions on where you can drive?
It’s not as much a restriction as it is a suggestion, but underwater.

What kind of car do you drive?
It has four wheels and goes fast. That’s the extent of my knowledge of cars.

What was your first car?
It had four wheels and didn’t go quite so fast.

How many cars have you owned?
Owned: 3. Pwned: 4,389

Are you nervous about driving over bridges/tunnels?
Are you a superstitious retard?

Do you have a lot of junk in your car?
Asking about my junk is very personal and I’ll kindly ask you not to do so again.

Is your car clean?
If not, my valet’s fired and being sent back to Guatemala.

Do you sing while driving?
Showtunes, mainly.

Ever driven around without going anywhere?
Only when in the middle of something by Gilbert and Sullivan.

Ever followed someone while driving just to see where they were going?
It’s how I’ve gotten 49 restraining orders from different girls’ parents.

Do you use cruise control?
Only if I want to crawl in the backseat and go to sleep while driving.

Do you blast your music?
Only when I’m playing Eminem, Avril Lavigne, or The Fat Boys.

Ever run a red light?
I don’t run anywhere. I’m a lazy, lazy fucker.

Ever been chased by the cops?
No, but I like to chase them sometimes just for fun.

Ever had an accident?
You mean like wet the bed? I plead the fifth.

Ever have a flat tire?
Replace “flat” with “morning” and “tire” with “wood”, and your answer is yes.

Ever had something else happen to your car?
Well, one time these gangsters attached a bomb to the bottom of it, so I had to jump my car up at top speed off a high ramp, aim it at a giant crane, flip the car upside-down, and scrape the bomb off on the crane right as it exploded, then turn the car back right side up to land normally on the road. I did get a small ding on the car doing that.

Does your car have a sunroof?
Give me a chainsaw and ten minutes and it will.

Is your car a stick?
No. It’s a car. Sheesh.

Does your car get good gas mileage?
Only if I think about it in kilometers per day.

Ever run out of gas?
I usually just swing by a Taco Bell if I think that’s going to happen.

Ever run over an animal with your car?
No. I have, however, cooked an animal with my car.

What year is your car?
A full-bodied 2002 with a hint of fruit.

Most passengers you’ve ever had in your car?
12. Two in the front, three in the back, and seven astronauts in the ashtray.

Ever get your car stuck somewhere?
Once, in my butt. Boy, was that an embarrassing trip to the ER!

Ever get a parking ticket?
Only when I park in handicapped spots. I’ll even limp, drag my foot, and drool, but they’ll still give me a ticket. Discriminating fuckers.

Ever race your car?
Only in Tokyo in a drifting competition.

Ever lock your keys in your car?
Only that time I got the car stuck in my ass. I had to call AAA after 911.

Ever drive drunk?
I try to only fly drunk.

Do you like driving?
Driving fast down the interstate in the middle of the night with my headlights off and the windows open, blaring music, is one of my favorite things to do in the whole world. Especially when naked with a car full of underaged girls who are hanging out the window screaming.

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20 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XI”

  1. Amy

    I am the very model of a modern Major-General
    I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral
    I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
    From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical

  2. Tug

    I could totally see you singing showtunes McGuyver! And what really sucks (or does it), is I could change the oil, belts, tires…does that make you squee? Or just want to set me up with your Guatamalean…


  3. RockDog

    “Whats the longest distance you’ve ever driven in one day?
    Well, I made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.”

    That alone makes you kick ass in my book! Excellent quoting ability! Lets shoot for 11 parsecs next time.

    Rock ON!

  4. The Absurdist

    So, I am assuming you are the fruit in your car?

    Also, are you sure your valet is Guatemalen? I figure he/she would be Puerto Rican. Or Cuban.

    Morning wood, huh? I guess you are one of the lucky few men that haven’t gotten to that point in life where Mr. Peepee ain’t working all that well anymore… Good for you. Do you have a brother?

  5. Avitable

    Amy, you’re the very model of a modern dork.

    Tug, you knowing something about cars doesn’t make me squee. That’s like knowing how to fix my dishwasher. Which just broke.

    RockDog, that’s not even an obscure quote.

    AnnieB, coincidentally, Elmo is what I call my penis.

    Absurdist, I’m only 30. How fucking old do you think I am? Oh, and I fixed your gravatar.

    DB, well, I must have a pretty mouth.

    HG5, one.

    Mr. Fabulous, I bet you know all of the old Challenger jokes.

    Britt, is that what it’s called? I kept calling it a Comree.

    Amanda, it involved patience, care, and a lot of Valvoline.

    Poppy, how many 12-year olds do you know who drive?

    Brandi, ok.

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