Captain Rantypants Featured Image

‘Tis too fucking early

Woke up. Went to breakfast. Asked the screaming baby at the table next to us to shut the fuck up. Urge to kill increased. Returned angry looks to parents. Came home.

Watched TV. Put together karaoke machine for Halloween party. Sang “Like a Virgin”. Danced a little.

Answered work phone. Talked to client. Explained our product 14 times. Called client retard subtly. Urge to kill increased more. Wrote aggressive email to client in simple English.

Took shower. Accidentally used dog’s shampoo. Urge to kill increased more. Used correct shampoo. Smelled like BBW 3-in-1 Cinnamon Bun. Urge to kill faded.

Stepped outside. Started sweating immediately. Urge to kill increased. Drove to Home Depot. Got stuck behind old woman who straddled the lanes. Urge to kill increased more. Parked in spot where trucks overlapped parking lines. Dinged truck door. Urge to kill increased more.

Stepped into Home Depot. Assaulted with cacophony of Christmas melodies, Christmas trees, decorations, and huge Christmas section. Urge to kill increased more. Heard retard woman singing along with Christmas melodies. Urge to kill overwhelmed. Killed everyone. Blew up the world. The End.

Share the love:
RSS
Follow by Email
Google+
Google+
http://www.avitable.com/2007/10/22/tis-too-fucking-early/
YouTube
Pinterest
LinkedIn
Instagram
snapchat
whatsapp

40 Replies to “‘Tis too fucking early”

  1. The Absurdist

    Hey, at least you showered. My days are always like this too.

    I have to take copious amounts of Xanax so that I don’t kill random people. I figure society is better served by my being in society and bringing to their attention just how stupid they are.

    Of course, I could go to jail and amend Mein Kampf (spelling?)

  2. Amber

    Soooo…

    Guess I’ll be looking forward to hearing all about your killing spree on the 6:00 news tonight.

    Sorry, I won’t be bragging to anyone that, “hey! I totally read that guy’s blog every time he updates!”

    People may start to think I’M the psycho here. And I don’t even wash my hair with doggie shampoo, sweat, or tell babies to shut the fuck up.

    Although I do have a funny story about kids in public places. Are you ready?

    My best friend is a dispatcher and she related the story to me. Apparently, one of the cops she works with was in Wal-Mart with his kids when one of them starting throwing a huge temper tantrum. This was unacceptable, so he spanked his ass right there in the store. A lady came up to him, got in his face, and started accusing him of “abusing” his child. He got pissed and screamed back in her face, “YEAH! AND THAT’S WHY YOUR FUCKIN’ KID IS GOING TO END UP IN PRISON! BECAUSE YOU DON’T SPANK YOUR FUCKIN’KID!”

    Lady shut up and walked away.

    End of story.

    I thought it was hilarious. Hope you do, too. It might save a few lives next time, if you start your day off laughing.

  3. Avitable

    Heather, my new karaoke machine actually has a camera in it that can record. Maybe next time. And I don’t know why they would put those out, except if they just wanted to drive me into a murderous rage.

    Amanda, only if I smell like it. Just smelling it doesn’t do it.

    Girl Dislocated, that’s true. Better earlier than later, I think.

    Tracy, I just wish I had some spoons for gouging.

    BPR, ok.

    Absurdist, this is why I don’t leave the house.

    Robin, well, that is a small pleasure.

    Dutchy, is it ever too early for fist fucking?

    Trish, you’re trying to kill me, right? Now, here is a good reason for you guys to come to the party. You can dress up like a tree!

    AnnieB, no, I woke up sunnily.

    Amber, I always start off my day laughing. Manically.

    Wayne, hippocracy? Is that like a government made out of hippopotami?

  4. Avitable

    ADW, it might make you get all misty in your panties, though.

    Gunwitch, only in one corner, and with reduced volume. I promise.

    Britt, no, she wasn’t nearly as creepy as that guy.

    Wayne, nice recovery.

    TMP, will do.

    Sarcastica, I’ve sent you pictures.

    NYCWD, I know. At least wait until after Halloween.

    Poppy, you’re dirty either way.

    RW, bastard.

    Tug, just one of those days.

  5. Amy

    Pffft. Sounds like a typical Monday to me. Quit being such a wiener.

    Although, seriously, the Christmas shit needs to be out this early, that way it gives the stupid bitch across the street from me time to buy up all the inflatable Christmas yard decorations and look like an even BIGGER retard than she does right now with a scarecrow and wimpy ass cobwebs on her front door.

  6. Y2K Survivor

    If Halloween is the second largest marketing holiday, with more decorations and event specific items sold on Halloween than any other Holiday except Christmas… It seems making the two largest event compete for customers is bad business.

    I never understood it, and yet I am all excited thinking of an evil Grinch in a Santa Suit covered in a grim reaper costume and escorted by Elvira knows (breaking into full song) if I’ve been sleeping, they know if I’m awake. They know if I’ve been good or bad so be Good for fucking fuck’s sake! Ohhhhhhhhh you better watch out! You better not…

  7. hellohahanarf

    you think you were having a bad day? add cramps to your mix and then welcome to my world.

    so if you were dancing to like a virgin does that somehow help britt win her argument that it was a better song that like a prayer? me thinks so…

  8. Dragon

    Awww, poor Avi. Have I been away from you too long? You know what was missing in your day that would make it all better? Chocolate and lots of it. It’s kept me from committing genocide on more than one occasion.

  9. Brandi

    And somehow you’ve managed to escape the scene of the crime without being identified at all. To go home and post for us. Actually I think it’s more like this. You have telekinetic posting abilities. Friggin’ Sweet!

  10. Avitable

    Amy, I see a “Christmas Vacation” showdown occurring soon between you two.

    Y2K, exactly – they’re taking away business from their own customers. It’s cannibalizing.

    Hello, oh, she definitely won that argument no matter what.

    Dragon, finally, you’re back! Now the urge to kill has disappeared.

    Brandi, I have a computer in my brain!

    Poppy, I’d rather be Britney.

    Metalmom, but what about my cramps?

  11. EPC

    hahahah I came across your blog by clicking and wandering around the web and just had to say that this post made my day! LOL I so was on an urge to kill mood all day! Well done! :thumbsup:

  12. Avitable

    Poppy, leave Britney alone!

    Sybil, oh, I only want to kill other people, not myself.

    EPC, thanks for the visit and comment!

    Angel, seriously, it is wayyyy too early.

    Mr. Fabulous, I knew that would make you happy.

    DCA, that’s why I use my car.

Leave a Reply