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Lazy Sunday XIII

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Looking into someone’s butthole when they bend over in the shower.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry?

I totally asked for a Double Cheeseburger with no pickles and the bitch gave me extra pickles so I went back with a gun and made them all eat an entire jar of pickles each until they were puking pickle juice nonstop the end.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

This is a trick question. You can’t fly from Hawaii to Chicago non-stop.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (B) What do you do with your remaining days? (C) Would you be afraid?

A) I tell everyone that I only have one month to live regularly, so they wouldn’t believe me.
B) Learn to do ballet.
C) Of ballet? Nope. I’m secure in my manliness.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.

I’ll take chocolate and peanut butter instead.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Jesus – another trick question. First of all, I’d never walk to work. Secondly, everyone knows dogs can walk on water. And finally, I work as a canal maintenance worker, so I would already be working by rescuing the dog!

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?

So, which is it? Am I unfaithful to my spouse or my significant other and do I have to tell him or her?

8. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s closet.

9. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?

You’re one of those people who thinks that two quarters in exchange for a dollar is a good idea because you get two items and I get one, don’t you? Retard.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

I don’t know. Am I the type of person who likes people who make fun of them, secretly watch them get dressed through hidden camera, and encourage them to drink and be silly on camera?

11. Does love = sex?

Only if you carry the one.

12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let him go because of work shortage, and he is the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?

Do I work at the Mother Theresa training camp or something?

13. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?

I never tell anyone how I feel honestly. I tell them how they should think I feel so that they’ll provide me with whatever I need from them in return.

14. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

Telling someone you don’t love their butthole when they bend over in the shower.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?

My crippling meth addiction.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I said it to my Wendy’s new breakfast food this morning.

17. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?

I would have gotten the blueberry muffin instead of the cinnamon roll this morning.

18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?

I wouldn’t call anyone. I’d put on some music and start stripping.

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

I don’t know. When was the last time they brushed their teeth? Or changed their clothes? Would I have hand sanitizer? Would I inherit the millions he had hidden away before he became homeless if I did it?

21. Are you old fashioned?

Well, I am kind of a caveman, and that’s about as old fashioned as you can get.

22. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or to have never loved before?

Butthole free true love.

23. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?

Duh. You wish for infinite wishes. Everyone knows that.

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24 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XIII”

  1. Dave2

    Actually, United Airlines offers daily non-stops to Honolulu (and back) on Flights #1 and #2… they’re like famous routes out of their Chicago hub or something.

    So it looks as though you still owe us an answer for that one…

  2. Mr. Fabulous

    Why all the pickle hate? Haven’t the pickles suffered enough? It won’t kill you to eat a vegetable once in a while!

    I would appreciate it if, when reading that last sentence in your head, that you do so in the voice of an old Jewish man.

    Thanks.

  3. Avitable

    Oswegan, no, it’s a butthole anti-fixation.

    Amanda, they just started doing it three days ago. It’s awesome!

    Dave, damn you.

    BPR, what typo?

    Mistress, successful mathematics are the key to an excellent relationship.

    Mr. Fabulous, oy.

  4. AnnieB

    Great post!

    Correct time is 7:54 am. You’re still on DS! I wondered why you were up so early on a Sunday. 🙂

    The only word (I can find) that someone might think is a typo is maintenance, which of course it’s not, but since it’s derived from maintain it’s a common misconception. Or I could be full of shit.

  5. Miss Britt

    “I don’t now. Am I the type of person who likes people who make fun of them, secretly watch them get dressed through hidden camera, and encourage them to drink and be silly on camera?”

    God, I hope so.

  6. Erika

    Hi, just wanted to say hi because you hate lurkers and I am an EVIL EVIL lurker most of the time so… sorry about that, and I like your blog, and stuff… see, this is why I never post comments, I sound like a tool. THANKS A LOT! bye.

  7. Mike

    I thought the typo was “puking pickle juice nonstop the end.”. Shouldn’t it be “puking pickle juice nonstop in the end.” or “puking pickle juice nonstop. The end.”

    Meh.

  8. Avitable

    Denise, moi? I scare you, of all people? And here I thought you were unflappable.

    AnnieB, the typo was “now” instead of “know”.

    Nina, you also have to subtract four.

    Britt, I see what you did there.

    Boy Blunder, it’s the truth.

    DB, so you won’t come to my party, but you’ll sneak outside my window?

    Poppy, Britt was wrong.

    Tracy, they just started on November 1st in select locations.

    BPR, yeah, I finally saw that after she pasted it in there.

    TMP, there’s never any truth in them. I’m a big ol’ liar.

    Amy, a 6? That’s it?

    Robin, when it flows, it flows.

    Erika, thanks for delurking, even if it was just for this one comment.

    CP, I thought you already did that!

    Mike, no, that was a stream of consciousness that was intentionally left like that.

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