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Finding Avitable

Some of you occasionally get strange keywords that result in a visit to your blog. I doubt that anyone gets visits from keywords as strange as me. Here are the latest 10 keywords people used to find me through search engines:

1. Fuck small lady: Do you think this is someone who wants to know more about how to have sex with someone who’s a midget? Or do they have a fetish for size-challenged porn? Clearly, whatever they’re interested in has to be classy, since they were searching for a lady.

2. Doggie: I do wish this was an innocuous search by an animal lover, but I think it’s a dirty, dirty search by an animal LOVER.

3. Funniest mad libs ever: Mad Libs are so in right now. I’m like the trendiest motherfucker around.

4. Fuck fuck fuck xxxxx 12 years girls in world: This guy doesn’t want to just fuck 12 year old girls, he wants to fuck fuck fuck them. And he’s so excited about it he doesn’t even know how many of them in the world he wants to fuck fuck fuck. And dude? Seriously? A girl has to be at LEAST 16/17 before you can do Google searches without being creepy. Or so I tell myself.

5. My real love to my wife.: Is this person looking for a way to express his true love to his wife? May I suggest pooping on her chest while she sleeps? It’s a great display of intimacy and trust.

6. Penes: This person either was overeager in their search for pens, or wants lots of dicks. But everybody knows the plural for penis is penii, not penes!

7. Fag throat fuck: This one speaks for itself. Someone had a sore throat and heard that the best way to cure it is with a steady application of gay semen. All the old wives know that remedy.

8. Monkeyfucking: Must be from my new phrase of “cockslapping monkeyfucker”. I know it’s not because they’re looking for my Avitable celebrity sex video. That’s under “gorillafucking”.

9. Dressed up for dog sex: Yet another person looking for the proper etiquette in bestial relations. Should you wear all white, and would short sleeves be appropriate? Are culottes acceptable? Should you wear a tie?

10. Do redheads go grey?: This person thinks that redheads are eternally red. Which, of course, they are. That’s because they’re all witches.


On the novel front, I’m still writing steadily. I’m not keeping up with 1667 words a day, but I’ve got plenty to say, so I think it won’t be a problem to write 2500 words one or two days and catch up completely. In the sidebar, I’ve added a little button with my word count for that day. And here is another excerpt (a smaller one this time):

Don’t you love how in disaster movies or action films, there is always one person whose name should just be Captain Exposition because he or she can always figure out the source or the cause or the cure or the solution to the problem? Something can happen, and they’ll immediately know not only what happened, but also what the implications are, how quickly others will be affected, and what the next step should be? Yeah, well, that doesn’t exist in real life.

I knew that the neighbor’s house had seemingly exploded. And since the crater appeared to be in their kitchen, I could imagine that something happened in the kitchen to cause the explosion. And while the simplest solution was that for some reason the gas on his stove was filling the house and something kicked on that sparked it, my mind raced. Maybe he was a terrorist making a nuclear weapon in his kitchen and when he disappeared, the material degraded until it exploded, but the plutonium was still there somewhere, slowly poisoning me with radiation. Or, maybe he was a mad scientist, and his kitchen was actually his laboratory. He had almost perfected a miniature black hole in an artificial environment, and right as he was about to go get his Nobel Prize, he vanished with everyone else, the black hole slowly closed in on itself, and the resulting implosion caused a blowback that destroyed the entire experiment. Or maybe he was a crazed Vietnam Vet and munitions expert who kept ordnance at his home, and one of his grenades or land mines accidentally fell over, causing a chain reaction that blew the whole thing to bits. See – who knows?

Rather than sit there and debate the possibilities with myself, I chose to make the assumption that he was a terrorist and there was radioactive material everywhere. Plus, with no power, I had no internet connection and couldn’t get back to the more pressing task of trying to determine who else was alive in the world. I packed up the car, grabbed my laptop, peed, and started driving. And where am I going?

Where every sane person would go if the world was ending and he needed an internet connection: Disney World.

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33 Replies to “Finding Avitable”

  1. Nina

    My my recent random hitter was “how do I know if my pumpkin is a pie pumpkin” – and I hope you keep posting your excellent novel excerpts. I may send my character to Nascar Fantasy Park.

  2. Avitable

    Amy, I wrote it while listening to Gwen Stefani.

    Girl Dislocated, yeah, that’s an interesting one.

    Mr. Fabulous, I’m sure yours will be much funnier.

    ADW, it’s NaNooNaNoo.

    Poppy, nope. I said witch! Heh.

    Britt, you’re not a lady.

    RW, I am also relieved, in more ways than one.

    J, it’s definitely him. I’ll never get caught.

    TMP, it might be, yeah.

    Mike, good point!

    Nina, there’s a Nascar Fantasy Park?

    Melanie, I might make it all available, once it’s done and edited.

    Brandi, I hate that ride!

  3. Heather

    Hey, Avitable!
    I’ve been lurking, thought I would post, FINALLY! My favorite sitemeter moment for my site was finding out someone in Canada had Googled, “Where’s my cat’s clitoris?” and found me. People are so fucking weird.

  4. Nina

    Avitable – no, but there is a Nascar Fantasy Park in my novel. It is the setting for my sword fight and the murder of the pigeon. I think Joel Skimpole will get laid there. (Maybe). (I think).

  5. Avitable

    Britt, please stop biting my left buttcheek.

    Robin, well, it was like a mirror of myself.

    Heather, thanks for the comment. And yes, people are fucking weird. Clearly, if you need to know where the cat’s clitoris is, you get down on your hands and knees and you look!

    Tracy, I thought it was Queen Witch to you.

    Sarcastica, cheating how? For my post?

    Lynda, we know how to do kick-ass SEO.

    Amanda, I’m getting away from throat fucking for a while. Trying to class the place up.

    Metalmom, that almost sounds true.

    EPC, you must not be a true witch.

    Nina, I thought maybe there actually was a Nascar Fantasy Park. Wouldn’t surprise me.

    Wayne, well, I use the ShortStats plugin first, but then I also use Google Analytics for everything else.

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