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It’s a draw

I tried to come up with some lovely Avitable artwork for today’s post, but couldn’t think of anything. So all you get is another excerpt:

On the plus side, I learned that my car handles driving in grass and off road relatively well. I had to spent the majority of the trip driving around the median, off the side of the road, weaving through sculptures of twisted metal. On the negative side, I learned that my tires are not capable of driving over shards of metal without popping.

My ability to change a tire is about on my par with my ability to perform open heart surgery. I mean, I’ll give it a try, but things will definitely get messy, and nobody’s going to be happy. Rather than fucking with the whole concept (I cackled as I ripped up my AAA card and threw it into the wind), I decided to find a new mode of transportation. All I needed was a car that had minimal damage and had just drifted off the side of the road. Not more than ten feet from my old car I found my new car. I don’t know what year or anything else about it other than the fact that it was bright yellow and the back of the car said Lamborghini. Even a neophyte such as myself knew that would be a fun car to drive.

I moved all of my belongings to the tiny trunk and non-existent back seat of my new car (“I’m going to name you ‘Gina,” I murmured to the yellow monstrosity) and sat down in the driver’s seat. I carefully adjusted my mirrors, tilted the steering wheel the way I liked it, put in my CD with the old Tim Burton Batman soundtrack (I mean, seriously, if you’re going to drive a car like a Lamborghini, you probably need some type of motivating music to help you feel like you’re an superhero. Or at least that you have a huge throbbing penis.), put on my seatbelt, revved the motor, shifted into first gear, popped the clutch, put it back in neutral, tried to get the hang of the clutch, put it back into first gear, felt the clutch catch this time, roared forward and immediately drove the car directly into the closest tree. Fuck.

Happy hump day!

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24 Replies to “It’s a draw”

  1. Miss Britt

    I refuse to read these excerpts because I am certain I will be required to either edit it later or buy multiple copies if it ever goes to print.

    And plus I have PMS and would probably end up saying something mean.

    So, think of my not reading it as a sign of affection. :heartbeat:

  2. Poppy

    This is not a criticism, because I do it all the time, but I don’t remember you doing it, and I noticed it last time but didn’t say anything, but now I need to: When did you become so parenthetical in your writing?

  3. Miss Britt

    Were there a bunch of freaking parentheses in this again??


    See, this is why I didn’t read it.

    (and I LOVE parentheses – but I use them all the time. Is this NanoWrimo thingie and excuse for you to be more like me? Awwwww….)

  4. hellohahanarf

    we want artwork! we want artwork!

    maybe you could draw the look on mrs. avi’s face the morning after your party when she surveyed the dammage. or britt dancing to prince. or britt’s mom making thanksgiving dinner. or that fucker tom cruise not celebrating christmas. or your idea of what heaven will look like. or your balls.

    i vote for your balls.

  5. Erika

    I like it. And I also like all of hellohahanarf’s ideas. But I would like to see the look on Mrs. Avi’s face the day after your party, and also your balls. Thank you.

    Also your smilies are FANTASTIC. I never use them because really, who can choose? :poke: This one feels like today, though.

  6. Sybil Law

    Your story should definitely be published. I would SO buy a copy.
    Please let the dude take a whiz behind a tree, or, hell- – anywhere if he’s the only one around – before finding another car!
    Hurry with the rest! I want to read more! These excerpts leave me wanting more!
    Oh and some artwork, too, please. I second – or third – the balls. :thumbsup:

  7. Avitable

    Nina, I wish I could have insomnia!

    Metalmom, every 500 words I try to put in a penis or vagina reference.

    Britt, awww, so sweet!

    Robin, I could see that being a problem with me, too.

    TMP, I’ll deliver signed copies in exchange for signed pictures of boobs.

    ADW, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

    RW, good idea.

    Poppy, my writing for a first-person story is different than my writing for a blog.

    Mom, you and she are identical in so many ways, aren’t you?

    RW, so clever, even with the PMS!

    Amy, oh, I can. Just not every day.

    Bossy, and ‘gina.

    Trish, he’d just golf all day.

    Hello, my drawing’s aren’t that detailed. And just add me on Yahoo IM.

    Erika, my smilies are definitely fun. So are my testicles.

    Girl, Dislocated, 300 words? Where did that number come from?

    Sybil, how did I know you’d support the ball brigade?

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