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Last night, I decided to call my little blonde (on the inside) alter-ego. I knew that, since it was after 8 PM, there was a chance that she had fallen asleep on the couch by then. Half of the time when I call that late, I get her husband, Jared, instead. We’ll usually talk for a few minutes, he’ll tell me that she’s passed out naked and drunk in the tub again, and I’ll hang up and go masturbate to donkey porn.

I walked into my office and picked up my phone. I had to pee, so I dialed quickly and walked into the bathroom with my headset on.

Right as that stream started to flow, sounding a little like Niagara Falls, I heard a male voice pick up the phone.


“Hey,” I said, almost shouting over the multi-decibel urine. “How’s it going?”

“Good,” he said. “I just woke up, actually.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Nah, man. It’s okay.”

“Is she asleep, too?” All the while I pee more than I have ever peed in my entire life. Where the fuck did all of this come from? I know he can hear it, too – you’d have to be deaf not to.

“Nah. She’s around here somewhere.”

“Awesome. So, how’s work going?”

“Pretty good. How about you?”

“Well, you know. Your wife’s been hot and awesome, like usual.” Finally, my pee stopped. I could hear again!

“What did you say? Who is this?”

“Isn’t this Jared?”

“Who the fuck is Jared? And what did you say about my wife?”



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30 Replies to “Pissunderstanding”

  1. Amy

    So now some poor probably abused woman is getting the shit kicked out of her when all she was doing was cleaning the toilets while he slept on the couch all because you can’t dial correctly when you have to pee.


  2. Avitable

    Amanda, I just wonder what he did when I hung up!

    Dave, luckily, it was my office number. Calling it back just goes to an automated system, and he’d have no idea what extension I’m at.

    Lynda, he couldn’t call back, which is probably good.

    Amy, I was also dialing upside down. Oops.

    GD, I should do that more often.

    Tracy, maybe I’ll just start recording all of my calls.

    Britt, clearly I like him more than you do.

    RW, I was chewing gum, too.

    Countess B, he was so groggy I don’t know if he’ll even remember.

    Robin, I can fit both of them in there.

    Trish, there are no bladder issues. I just like to hold it until the last possible minute.

  3. Wayne

    Last night around 11pm I got two naked photos texted to me by someone I don’t know, I’m sure by complete and embarassing accident. This is the second time it’s happened. Someone out there thinks THEY have one of MY email addresses, so his FRIENDS are sending me stuff. Once it was a guy sending horrible camera photos of his, um, member, but last night at least it was a woman. Not too bad lookin’ either.

    So now I have naked photos of some woman out there, and I have her cell phone number (it came from Verizon Wireless PIX-FLIX service). The number is in the 703 area code.

    An ethical dilemma has arisen – do I politely inform her that she has the wrong email address? Do I pose as the dude and ask for more? Do I publically post the pictures and her phone number? Do I ignore it and do nothing?

    Decisions, decisions… 🙂

    (and for those of you actually wondering, I’d only either do the first or the last. Sickos!)

  4. Avitable

    Poppy, at least the best accidental wrong number conversation while peeing ever.

    Nina, maybe not with some women, but men make a much louder noise.

    Hello, of course!

    TMP, so if you’re in mid-sentence with a man and you have to pee, you just hang up on him?

    Britt, sigh. I guess…

    Wayne, I think letting her know is what I would do if I was in that situation.

    NYCWD, only after I make my first million off of Postcard Hell.

    Brandi, yeah, but with a penis instead of a puppet.

    Bossy, we can’t have that!

    Beth, that was pretty awesome, too, you’re right!

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