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Lazy Sunday XIV

1. Do you like cheese?
I love it so much I want to take cheese out behind the middle school and get it pregnant!

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Only in days that end in “Y”.

3. Do you own a gun?
Just the pistol in my pants.

4. Your favorite song?
I Touch Myself

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Only when I go in for an abortion.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I enjoy sliding them in and out of my mouth in slow motion accompanied by ’70s music.

7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?
I Touch Myself

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
I just inject Diet Coke directly into my eyeball.

9. Can you do push ups?
I can do push up.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
It’s just a hole in the ground out back. What’s there to clean?

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
The gold chain that goes from my penis piercing to my tongue piercing.

12. Favorite Hobby?
Filling out surveys.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
No. I have the attention span of a …. ooh, shiny!

15. What is one trait you hate about yourself?
That third eye freaks people out.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment…
I’m hungry, my balls itch, and ooh, shiny!

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
1. Seinfeld – The Complete Series.
2. X-Files – the Complete Collection.
3. A small Thai boy named Phuong.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, and Diet Coke with Lemon

20. Current worry right now?
Did I make sure that hooker was dead before burying her in the backyard?

21. Current hate?
Not-dead hookers.

22. Favorite place to be?
The bathroom with a good book.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
Naked and running from the cops, just like every year.

24. Where would you like to go?
Absolutely nowhere.

26. Do you own slippers?
Only ones with bunnies on them.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
At first glance, it looks like a dark patterned T-shirt. Then you’d realize that it’s just my gorilla chest.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I prefer ejaculating on them.

29. Can you whistle?
I don’t know. I’m tune-deaf.

30. Three favorite colors?
Sigh, ugh, and fuckyou.

31. Would you be a pirate?
A butt pirate?

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I Touch Myself

33. Favorite girl’s name?

34. Favorite boy’s name?

35. What’s in your pocket right now?
A condom, three quarters, and a ticket for soliciting a prostitute.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Stealing candy from a small child.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
The rubber ones.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I had a really bad hangnail the other day.

39. Do you love where you live?
And I eat what I kill.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?

41. Who is your loudest friend?
My air horn.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
The broken air horn.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Everybody does. Right?

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
I wish on drunk driving stars.

45. What is your favorite book?
Books are for geeks and sissies.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Liquid Nougat.

47. Favorite Sports Team?
Yeah, like I give a shit about living vicariously through a bunch of idiot felons while they play for some team that I support through some random loyalty to their current location.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I Touch Myself

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Touching myself.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Touching myself.

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23 Replies to “Lazy Sunday XIV”

  1. Dee

    My new manager’s name is Thor. I didn’t realise anybody called their child that for real.

    Are you going to be posting your whole writings for nanowrimo? Just wondering if I’m ever going to find out what happened to all the people :dunce:

  2. Y2K Survivor

    I see what this post is all about. You are trying to lure me into a long semi psychotic rant on the reanimation of dead, mutated, killer blow-job hooker zombies returning from their back yard graves and stalking you for vengeance. Well I aint gunna fall for it buddy! I see through your half ass veiled ruse and you will get no mention of mutated killer blow-job hooker zombies from me!

  3. Avitable

    Clown, meat is the new bread.

    BPR, no I think it gets enough of that.

    Metalmom, well, this one is special, because it’s sung by an all-girls choir.

    Dee, I might – not sure yet.

    DB, I walk around to people’s houses at Christmas and sing it as one of the carols.

    Kylah, I think he’s still pretty funny on 30 Rock. In person, though, I don’t know.

    Sybil, they’re getting harder to do every time, too.

    Hilly, I’m hoping to start a worldwide epidemic.

    Poppy, I think I’ve actually made it holier.

    Y2K, I like this idea of blow-job hooker zombies. Tell me more.

    Britt, if only I was kidding.

    Michael, as long as you didn’t blame me for actually touching yourself, that’s okay.

    Amy, yes, and of course they were all lies.

    Boy Blunder, you’re obsessed with touching me?

    Girl, Dislocated, we only have plastic coat hangers in our house.

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