12:00 AM: Break my computer
12:01 AM - 3:29 AM: Fuck with the computer until I'm sure it's good and broken. Laugh maniacally and cry at the same time.
3:30 AM - 7:00 AM: Sleep fitfully and dream of being anally raped by a cackling pentium processor.
7:01 AM - 10:00 AM: Order new parts to be overnighted to me and set up a new computer to work in the meantime. Try to work between bursting into tears randomly.
10:01 AM - 11:00 AM: Go to the barber and relax for an hour while getting a shave and a haircut.
11:01 AM - 11:15 AM: Pick up lunch at Burger King. The sandwich was soggy, the fries were cold, and they forgot my straw. Tears commence again.
11:16 AM - 1:00 PM: Try to remember all of my user names and passwords so that I could work and look at porn. Curse the world for laptops, with tiny screens and no desktop real estate for all of the windows I need open. Bawl openly.
1:00 PM: Britt gets a sale. The day seems to get a bit better.
1:01 PM - 2:00 PM: A herd of water buffalo smash through the house, destroying my lightsaber collection. Day gets worse.
2:01 PM - 2:45 PM: We go and get ice cream. An Oreo Blaster from Coldstone Creamery freezes the horrible day a bit.
2:46 PM - 4:00 PM: Try to recoup the day. Lose three fingers to the garbage disposal while trying to recover a piece of Oreo.
4:01 PM - 5:30 PM: Take a nap. Dream of a motherboard made of Oreo kicking me in the head while laughing.
5:31 PM: Wake up from my nap when Britt jumps on my crotch.
5:32 PM - 7:00 PM: Curl up in the corner and eat cold pizza while sobbing. Ninjas kidnap my dog and take my ear as partial payment.
7:00 PM - 12:00 AM: Drink a bottle of Southern Comfort and streak the Homecoming Dance at the local high school. Get four phone numbers from senior girls and one from a senior guy. End up with the guy somehow.
On another note, why don't any of you send me cookies or some type of delicious food? I thought I had some loving readers, but I guess not*. My address is 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL, 32701.
Not that I expect them. I'm just disappointed that I haven't gotten flooded with baked goodies. Especially with the holidays coming up!
I like chocolate.
*Back a while ago, I got some awesome stuff from Mr. Fabulous and Poppy, but it's been a long time.
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Dude! Panera Bread is just around the corner from your house! No tears there, and FANTASTIC baked goods!
Comments by Dave2
11:16 AM: You are aware of course that you can hook a full sized monitor and keyboard to a laptop, right?
Comments by sevesteen
Would you really trust food from the internet? I don't think the computer will turn out to be a good source of chocolate, especially considering your luck with computers lately. You might end up with
instead.
But, since you insist on testing your luck, how do you feel about the combination of chocolate and raspberry or chocolate and cherry? (The projectile vomiting smiley is not a response option)
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
Would you really trust food from the internet? I don't think the computer will turn out to be a good source of chocolate, especially considering your luck with computers lately. You might end up with
instead.
But, since you insist on testing your luck, how do you feel about the combination of chocolate and raspberry or chocolate and cherry? (The projectile vomiting smiley is not a response option)
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
Aww you do need cookies.
Comments by Brandi
Yep, I'm pretty sure I loves you. Any man who can admit to crying and breaking things is awesome in my books.
Also, anyone who photoshops themselves eating ice cream with Hitler tops my list of awesomeness.
Comments by Gwen
Cookies will be on the way by the end of the week.
J.
Comments by HoosierGirl5
"I like chocolate"
Note to self: Send chocolate to Avi.
"End up with the guy somehow"
Note to self: Avi is not allergic to nuts.
Comments by Mike
I'll send cookies but you might not like them...
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
You know, the truth is I was believing everything in your synopsis until the Southern Comfort part. That's when I knew you were making it up.
What does that say about you relative to the rest of the stuff. Hmmm.
But yes my internet friends send me cookies. Some even send me excellent wines for my birthday but if I told everybody about it I would ruin the guy's perceived reputation for being some kind of cyber lowlife boy wonder. Avi.
Comments by RW
Dave, their baked goods are pretty tasty, when they have them. They run out of everything constantly.
Sevesteen, yeah, I know. But that would mean moving my 30-inch widescreen monitor out to the living room where I'm set up for now.
Girl, Dislocated, I'm more of a chocolate and cherry fan. There were these bing cherry chocolate chip cookies I had once that were awesome. And I trust my readers. They don't want to make me cry anymore.
Brandi, see? It's true!
Gwen, I love chicks named Gwen.
HG5, awwwww.
Mike, HAHAHAHAHA! Very nice.
Mr. Fabulous, they'd be all sticky and probably taste like pineapple juice.
RW, well, I was telling the truth 90% of the time. And whoever would send you wine for your birthday must be some crazy sycophantic reader of yours!
Comments by Avitable
(could you also request more of that awesome gourmet popcorn? and Ham.)
Comments by Miss Britt
Wow, you're very emotional lately.
Why don't you send me something?
Comments by Poppy
Awwwww–I am typing this on my new MacBook Pro–it's delicious.
Are you allergic to anything?
Comments by Turnbaby
What turnbaby said... Also, "I love frosting."... True or False?
Comments by Nina
Britt, you want ham and gourmet popcorn? Together? Are you pregnant?
Poppy, I'm prohibited by the federal government from using the postal system.
Turnbaby, ewwww, Macs. And I'm not allergic to any foods.
Nina, ummm, true? You love frosting? As for me, I love frosting. It's the best part of a birthday cake.
Comments by Avitable
If I was, would you get it for me?
Comments by Miss Britt
Britt, ham popcorn? Sure. But only if I can have some.
Comments by Avitable
LOL
My ewwwy store bought Mac is working though isn't it?
Comments by Turnbaby
ha ha ha @ turnbaby
No, dipshit.
Ham. AND gourmet fancy covered popcorn.
Don't make me be mean to you when you're having a bad day. Please.
Comments by Miss Britt
Aww - poor Avitable. Doesn't PMS suck?
Comments by BOSSY
Hope you're ambidextrous. Otherwise, having only two fingers could really restrict your ativities
PS - I'll send you some cookies as soon as I toss them.
Comments by y not i
Obviously you are PMSing Avi.
It is a known fact that women working together will all begin to have their periods at the same time.
Is there anything you would like to tell us?
Comments by Trish
Turnbaby, ooh, you fucker!
Britt, I think ham popcorn should be our next business venture.
Bossy, I just get so sad, and then so angry!
Y not I, I'll have to ask my employees to help.
Trish, they're sympathy pains, clearly.
Comments by Avitable
I'll have to ask my employees to help.
Thank you GOD that you have another woman that works for you.
Comments by Miss Britt
Hehehe
Comments by Turnbaby
...or you could move the laptop to the monitor. If you've got a 30 inch monitor and you're still complaining, I don't want to hear it anymore...
Comments by sevesteen
ham popcorn doesn't sound awful... hmm. That's probably not a good sign.
Do you want leftover birthday cake? I have a ton.
Comments by Amanda
Awe, your day sounds pretty bad. Mine wasn't that great either... I had Coldstone to help it. (but I had cake batter...) Nothing fixes a bad day like cake batter ice cream–or oreo ice cream in your case!!!
Comments by themuttprincess
panera goodies would be so good
Comments by liquid
I am allergic to nuts. No nut chocolate for me!!!!
Comments by Sarcastica
So just the waterbuffalo's and the ninja's thru the house? So Fab and his killer bunnies were busy elsewhere?
Comments by DutchBitch
I have a lovely fruit cake I can send you.
Comments by Trish
Sleep fitfully and dream of being anally raped by a cackling pentium processor.
Bwahahahahahaha. I think this is your best line... EVER.
Comments by Amy
Britt, it takes two people, though.
Turnbaby,
Sevesteen, you haven't seen my desk, have you? There's no room!
Amanda, I looooooove birthday cake. It's my favorite food.
TMP, I almost got the cake batter ice cream, too.
Liquid, p'zone!
Sarcastica, no nuts? So you are becoming a lesbian!
DB, his bunnies are pushovers.
Trish, why do you hate me?
Amy, it's all true, too.
Comments by Avitable
Wow. Cookie envy. This is a whole new psychological window.
Comments by RW
@RW - no, no, familiar window: "someone has something I don't have! WAH!"
@Avitable - you wish
Comments by Miss Britt
Sounds like a pretty emotional day. I guess this week is your week to have PMS.
Comments by Lynda
ah I just tried to make you cookies but they're burned. How picky are you?
Comments by Amanda
Dude.... you don't suppose Eternal Flame ruined your computer do you?
Comments by Y2K Survivor
I'm anxious to see how many baked goods you get by next week.
If you know what's good for you, you will not eat Fab's homemade goodess.
Comments by Peggy
You need some Graeter's ice cream, and a Honey Baked ham for Britt.
Too bad sending both would cost me an assload of money. I really love reading your words, but my kids' birthday comes first.
Um, what kind of ice cream do you like?
God I am a sucker.
Comments by Sybil Law
The thing to do is wait two weeks and THEN send cupcakes. That way Avi and Mrs. Avi will be gorged but also OUT of baked goods sent my strangers. (Also I have to figure out how to send cupcakes through the mail. That could take a few weeks. Frosting is messy).
Comments by Nina
The thing to do is wait two weeks and THEN send cupcakes. That way Avi and Mrs. Avi will be gorged but also OUT of baked goods sent by strangers. (Also I have to figure out how to send cupcakes through the mail. That could take a few weeks. Frosting is messy).
Comments by Nina
Cold Stone Creamery is the perfect pick me up for a bad day. I still have half a cake batter flavored birthday cake in my freezer which you are welcome to. Although, I don't know how I'd send it to you. Oh, and my birthday was in August so it might not be good anymore.
Comments by Kylah
Just wanted to drop you a comforting note—i am an excellent cook and I wuld never end you anything yucky.
Oh, and –my eewwwwyy store bought 15" MacBook Pro–she's purring along as I type this.
Comments by Turnbaby
I do however suck as a typist LOL
So
I am an excellent cook and I would never send you anything yucky.
Although somehow "end you" just seems to go with yucky ;-)
Comments by Turnbaby
And I just have to say–yours is the ONLY site Gravatar does not work on for me–
Comments by Turnbaby
RW, I have always suffered from cookie envy.
Britt, well, if you use your pinkies.
Lynda, fuck, I know!
Amanda, not at all.
Y2K, the cheese might have fried something.
Peggy, oh, I would never.
Sybil, I like all ice cream.
Nina, cupcakes would be hard to mail, you're right. And what makes you think my wife would get any?
Kylah, it's the thought that counts.
Turnbaby, you and your fucking Mac! My computer is almost fixed, so there. And Joe can probably suggest why my Gravatar doesn't work for everyone.
Comments by Avitable
Note to Avi:
Quit dicking around with your 'puters and pay someone else to dick around with them. You don't have the time.
Comments by The Absurdist
Is it just me or are you PMSing?
Comments by Swizzle
Chelle, for other employees' computers, I'll hire someone else. For me, I feel compelled to do it myself.
Swizzle, it's not just you.
Comments by Avitable