It's not always about being funny.

Tomorrow will be better.

12:00 AM: Break my computer
12:01 AM – 3:29 AM: Fuck with the computer until I’m sure it’s good and broken. Laugh maniacally and cry at the same time.
3:30 AM – 7:00 AM: Sleep fitfully and dream of being anally raped by a cackling pentium processor.
7:01 AM – 10:00 AM: Order new parts to be overnighted to me and set up a new computer to work in the meantime. Try to work between bursting into tears randomly.
10:01 AM – 11:00 AM: Go to the barber and relax for an hour while getting a shave and a haircut.
11:01 AM – 11:15 AM: Pick up lunch at Burger King. The sandwich was soggy, the fries were cold, and they forgot my straw. Tears commence again.
11:16 AM – 1:00 PM: Try to remember all of my user names and passwords so that I could work and look at porn. Curse the world for laptops, with tiny screens and no desktop real estate for all of the windows I need open. Bawl openly.
1:00 PM: Britt gets a sale. The day seems to get a bit better.
1:01 PM – 2:00 PM: A herd of water buffalo smash through the house, destroying my lightsaber collection. Day gets worse.
2:01 PM – 2:45 PM: We go and get ice cream. An Oreo Blaster from Coldstone Creamery freezes the horrible day a bit.
2:46 PM – 4:00 PM: Try to recoup the day. Lose three fingers to the garbage disposal while trying to recover a piece of Oreo.
4:01 PM – 5:30 PM: Take a nap. Dream of a motherboard made of Oreo kicking me in the head while laughing.
5:31 PM: Wake up from my nap when Britt jumps on my crotch.
5:32 PM – 7:00 PM: Curl up in the corner and eat cold pizza while sobbing. Ninjas kidnap my dog and take my ear as partial payment.
7:00 PM – 12:00 AM: Drink a bottle of Southern Comfort and streak the Homecoming Dance at the local high school. Get four phone numbers from senior girls and one from a senior guy. End up with the guy somehow.


On another note, why don’t any of you send me cookies or some type of delicious food? I thought I had some loving readers, but I guess not*. My address is 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL, 32701.

Not that I expect them. I’m just disappointed that I haven’t gotten flooded with baked goodies. Especially with the holidays coming up!

I like chocolate.


*Back a while ago, I got some awesome stuff from Mr. Fabulous and Poppy, but it’s been a long time.

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52 Replies to “Tomorrow will be better.”

  1. Girl, Dislocated

    Would you really trust food from the internet? I don’t think the computer will turn out to be a good source of chocolate, especially considering your luck with computers lately. You might end up with :shit: instead.

    But, since you insist on testing your luck, how do you feel about the combination of chocolate and raspberry or chocolate and cherry? (The projectile vomiting smiley is not a response option)

  2. Girl, Dislocated

    Would you really trust food from the internet? I don’t think the computer will turn out to be a good source of chocolate, especially considering your luck with computers lately. You might end up with :shit: instead.

    But, since you insist on testing your luck, how do you feel about the combination of chocolate and raspberry or chocolate and cherry? (The projectile vomiting smiley is not a response option)

  3. Gwen

    Yep, I’m pretty sure I loves you. Any man who can admit to crying and breaking things is awesome in my books.
    Also, anyone who photoshops themselves eating ice cream with Hitler tops my list of awesomeness.

  4. RW

    You know, the truth is I was believing everything in your synopsis until the Southern Comfort part. That’s when I knew you were making it up.

    What does that say about you relative to the rest of the stuff. Hmmm.

    But yes my internet friends send me cookies. Some even send me excellent wines for my birthday but if I told everybody about it I would ruin the guy’s perceived reputation for being some kind of cyber lowlife boy wonder. Avi.

  5. Avitable

    Dave, their baked goods are pretty tasty, when they have them. They run out of everything constantly.

    Sevesteen, yeah, I know. But that would mean moving my 30-inch widescreen monitor out to the living room where I’m set up for now.

    Girl, Dislocated, I’m more of a chocolate and cherry fan. There were these bing cherry chocolate chip cookies I had once that were awesome. And I trust my readers. They don’t want to make me cry anymore.

    Brandi, see? It’s true!

    Gwen, I love chicks named Gwen.

    HG5, awwwww.

    Mike, HAHAHAHAHA! Very nice.

    Mr. Fabulous, they’d be all sticky and probably taste like pineapple juice.

    RW, well, I was telling the truth 90% of the time. And whoever would send you wine for your birthday must be some crazy sycophantic reader of yours!

  6. Avitable

    Britt, you want ham and gourmet popcorn? Together? Are you pregnant?

    Poppy, I’m prohibited by the federal government from using the postal system.

    Turnbaby, ewwww, Macs. And I’m not allergic to any foods.

    Nina, ummm, true? You love frosting? As for me, I love frosting. It’s the best part of a birthday cake.

  7. Avitable

    Turnbaby, ooh, you fucker!

    Britt, I think ham popcorn should be our next business venture.

    Bossy, I just get so sad, and then so angry!

    Y not I, I’ll have to ask my employees to help.

    Trish, they’re sympathy pains, clearly.

  8. Avitable

    Britt, it takes two people, though.

    Turnbaby, πŸ˜›

    Sevesteen, you haven’t seen my desk, have you? There’s no room!

    Amanda, I looooooove birthday cake. It’s my favorite food.

    TMP, I almost got the cake batter ice cream, too.

    Liquid, p’zone!

    Sarcastica, no nuts? So you are becoming a lesbian!

    DB, his bunnies are pushovers.

    Trish, why do you hate me?

    Amy, it’s all true, too.

  9. Sybil Law

    You need some Graeter’s ice cream, and a Honey Baked ham for Britt.
    Too bad sending both would cost me an assload of money. I really love reading your words, but my kids’ birthday comes first.
    Um, what kind of ice cream do you like?
    God I am a sucker.

  10. Nina

    The thing to do is wait two weeks and THEN send cupcakes. That way Avi and Mrs. Avi will be gorged but also OUT of baked goods sent my strangers. (Also I have to figure out how to send cupcakes through the mail. That could take a few weeks. Frosting is messy).

  11. Nina

    The thing to do is wait two weeks and THEN send cupcakes. That way Avi and Mrs. Avi will be gorged but also OUT of baked goods sent by strangers. (Also I have to figure out how to send cupcakes through the mail. That could take a few weeks. Frosting is messy).

  12. Kylah

    Cold Stone Creamery is the perfect pick me up for a bad day. I still have half a cake batter flavored birthday cake in my freezer which you are welcome to. Although, I don’t know how I’d send it to you. Oh, and my birthday was in August so it might not be good anymore.

  13. Avitable

    RW, I have always suffered from cookie envy.

    Britt, well, if you use your pinkies.

    Lynda, fuck, I know!

    Amanda, not at all.

    Y2K, the cheese might have fried something.

    Peggy, oh, I would never.

    Sybil, I like all ice cream.

    Nina, cupcakes would be hard to mail, you’re right. And what makes you think my wife would get any?

    Kylah, it’s the thought that counts.

    Turnbaby, you and your fucking Mac! My computer is almost fixed, so there. And Joe can probably suggest why my Gravatar doesn’t work for everyone.

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